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Hope, no doubt you feel overwhelmed right now and as if your world as you knew it is further turned upside down. If you need a professional to talk to, the Pederson-Krag Center in Huntington has therapists/pyschiatrists available on a very reasonable sliding scale income-based cost. Call 920-8000.

I called him this afternoon.
At first he was trying to be nice to me and he actually wished me a happy Valentine’s day. It was such an odd thing to say to me. I told him we needed to get together to talk.

We got into a terrible fight. I was pretty much screaming at him. The story he is saying now is that he has been seeing her for 4 straight years. She was married, and got pregnant early on into the affair. Because she was sleeping with them both, she doesn’t really know who’s child it is. He said, “I never said I believed her.” So he really doesn’t know. He said she is the only one he has been cheating on me with. He was being so awful, saying he hated me, that all he wanted was for me to go, that he hadn’t been in love with me for a long time.
I yelled at him, told him that I didn’t deserve any of this, that I had been nothing but a loving, supportive wife to him and all he’d done is disrespect me, put my health in jeopardy, and use me. He got mad and said, “You haven’t changed a bit.” and hung up on me. But I kept calling him back, and I told him how disgusting he was, etc. He admitted all he’d done was lie for years to me. But here is the thing, he said that it’s over between them and he already has another girlfriend. I said, you must be happy; now you’ve lost your wife and your affair. He said he was, now he could be alone. I said that all he was doing was complicating things by getting more and more people involved. I asked him why he hadn’t told me years ago that he didn’t want to be with me anymore, etc. and he said that he didn’t feel “it” was something worth leaving his marriage over. I told him he has done nothing but destroy people’s lives. How can he even look at himself in the mirror? He said, “I can’t.” I asked him if he was proud of his behavior; he yelled at me and said of course he isn’t.
Again, I was yelling and defending myself. I told him it wasn’t even about him coming back; that I could not be with him ever again after the things he’s done. It was a pretty bad fight. He was yelling at me to get a lawyer, but before we hung up he said, “I don’t really want to go through expensive lawyers, they will cost too much.” He said this because I offered to go to a mediator with him. Before we hung up I told him we have to get together to talk in person, and he said it would have to be sometime next week. At one point he was yelling and saying he knew he had destroyed so many lives and that he needed to pick up the pieces and move on. We are going to sell the house this spring, and I am going to leave. He does not want to have anything to do with me now.
So it is truly over. I just want to go home and cry.

Hope-
I don't even know what to say, except that i feel your pain. I know there is nothing that can be said that would comfort you right now. What your H did is an awful thing, but it clearly indicates that he has deep-rooted issues that have nothing to do with you.

Please see a lawyer. I know you have consulted one in the past, but given this new information, I think you should know exactly what you are entitled to, and if this new development affects anything at all. Yes, having 2 lawyers battle it out will be more expensive. But, if that is what has to happen in order for you to protect yourself, then that is what has to happen. You need to start putting yourself first and stop worrying about him. He did this...he now needs to deal with the consequences of his behavior.

The things he said to you were probably out of anger and shame...don't listen to them. If he hated you, he would have been a lot worse to you. Not that that is any consolation.

You have been everything a wife should be...believe that. You did not deserve this. Stand up for yourself. Hold your ground.

I'm here if you need me.

Imdi,
Thank you for the support. I plan to call another lawyer for a consult. this week.
I can’t tell you how stupid I feel. Four years. How did I not notice this? It became very obvious last summer but for the years prior to that I had absolutely no idea. I feel like a fool and I told him he had humiliated me.
He really has no love for me at all. I asked him who he thought he was, treating people like this? Not just me, but now o.w. too. Now he’s cheating on her, and she found out, and broke it off with him. And he’s moved onto the next o.w. He just doesn’t seem to care. I even said to him, ‘At the rate you are going, you are not going to have a good life.’ He even agreed with me! What is the matter with a person that acts like this?

Ugh! Here's a hug, Hope. Funny, I never realized before that "hug" and "ugh" used the same letters.

You have every right to be angry at H, yet anger at yourself comes by way of you thinking you were a fool and feeling humiliated. You weren't a fool, it's more that H was adept at hiding his actions and having you believe otherwise. He is the one that acted truly foolish all that time and he is the one that should be feeling humiliated.

Instead he's twisting in the wind of his own making.

I yelled at him, told him that I didn't deserve any of this, that I had been nothing but a loving, supportive wife to him and all he'd done is disrespect me, put my health in jeopardy, and use me. He got mad and said, "You haven't changed a bit." and hung up on me.

Nice, how he tries to turn the blame around. He just can't face himself and hear the truth and cope with it. He VERY MUCH DID put your life in jeopardy all that time, and IMPREGNATING or even possibly impregnating another woman while married, are such irresponsible acts that his attempt to use the pointing out of those facts, and your understandable reaction to these revelations, as an excuse to justify himself now ("You haven't changed a bit") just shows you how warped his reasoning process has to be.

In fact, everything he says is warped.

This is an ugly chapter in your life, I'm sorry. It's not of your making; you didn't choose this. It's all about him. Small comfort right now, I know. But it's true.

I'll be around tonight, if you need to talk, you know where you can get my number.

Hope-

Oh honey, I feel for you and what you are going through. Is there anyway you can go home early from work today?

I agree with everything NY and Imd99 said; this is not about you. And trust me- you know that I know how humiliated and decieved you feel right now. But NY is right- H is just very adept at lying. And we just want to believe the best about our spouses. That's not a character flaw in my book. Unfortunatley, our spouses take advantage and use our belief's in the common goodness of people to aid their deceit...

I won't pertend to know what to say, or how to begin recovering from this huge bomb. But I am glad you said some of the things you said to your H. Your H deserved them in my opinion... actutally deserved much worse. And in some ways, I know it's quite freeing to say them. I hope you can take a small comfort in that.

Do consult a lawyer ASAP. Don't waste time. Protect yourself at this point.

And keep venting here. You got people across the country thinking about you right now.

I wanted to say thank you so much to all of my friends here who let me lean on them today. Love you all.

For about an hour, H. kept trying to call me after work. He left several vm's saying we need to talk (gee, I think we already did) and that "it isn't as bad as you think"; he wants to tell me the truth and there are things that I don't know. Great. So he is supposedly calling me back in a little while to discuss this further. What a nice Valentine's day this has turned into.

I honestly don't know what to believe from him anymore. I will admit there are parts of his story thus far that do not make any sense. How could he not know one way or the other? He has to know; maybe this is what he wants to talk about.

The one other piece that I have a very hard time with is him saying that he was having this ongoing affair for 4 years. Now I've done a lot of thinking back today, as you can imagine, and I have to tell you, I cannot understand how I never noticed anything amiss until last summer. I mean, during that time that I know he was seeing her, it was very obvious that he wasn't home a lot, was spending a lot more money, and little signs that I can attribute now to the affair. But before that, there were no signs that were leading me to suspect a single thing.

I really don't think there is anything more I can do for this marriage. H. has destroyed so much of what I thought was our life. I hate to give up, but at this point, I don't see any other way, and he has shown me no signs of wanting to come back and really work on things.

I hope others here won't be discouraged over my situation. Truthfully, I see a lot of hope in many of your marriages, so please hang in there, ok? You can do it.
love, |
Hope

Hope,

It ain't over 'til it's over. If you want it to be over, it you feel that's what you need, then I think you have every right to call it quits. But this hurt is so raw and new you need time to digest everything. Don't make any decisions while you are emotional. You've waited so long to see what is going on in your H's mind, why not give it just a little longer?

That said, you should still go and see a lawyer. You do need to protect yourself. Take care. Hugs.


SuperStressed

Hope, I know how you feel. My W told me earlier this month that she thought she was pregnant with OM's child. It has now turned out that she isn't pregnant, but I know the emotions you are going through. It's awful.

I think the best thing for you right now is to completely quit talking to him. Go absolutely 100% dark. It will have a great benefit to your emotional state. You need time and space to recover from this news, whether their is any chance for your marriage or not. I would advise you not to see him, stop taking his calls, stop focusing on him, and truly GAL now.

I did speak to H. last night. He called me several times saying that he was sorry for getting into an argument with me; he said a lot of things in anger that were not true; he does not hate me, he hates himself. He said that we need to talk in person this weekend when he isn’t working, and he wants to tell me exactly what has been going on because there is a lot to talk about. The one thing he said was, “I want you to know that I have not been cheating on you with her for four years. I don’t want you to think that.”
I don’t know what the truth is at this point about the child. We are way beyond “going dark” and such. It’s time for he and I to really talk about things. He did say that what he had to tell me was not going to change things between us. He is not coming back, and never intended to all this time. He said that I had dragged this out long enough; I corrected him and told him I did not know the truth, and had thought he was just going through a difficult time, and he had indicated on several occasions that he was still thinking about coming back. He realized that was true, that I had a distorted view of the situation because that’s what he’d chosen to tell me.
I don’t want a divorce and he knows it but I know after 6 mo. of this that he doesn’t want this marriage. There is no convincing him, and asking him for time isn’t going to change his mind. I still love him but he does not return this feeling for me, and he just wants to move on with his life. I think at this point, it’s just best if I let him go because living this way, waiting for him when he isn’t going to come home, is no way to live.
I know I could drag things out longer if and when he files (and he is going to), but after all this I think it’s better for me to maintain some self respect and just agree to divorce. I know what I am entitled to and will present H. with these things when we talk in person. If he is not agreeable, then I will tell him we cannot mediate and I will get an attorney. He either has to agree I will force him to have to. That’s basically it.
I have to tell you all that I never thought that it would come to this for us. I believed that we would make it.