When she came home last nite from her friends house after going there Saturday she was kind of cold / detached but still friendly. I think I came off as expectng her to see me and want a hug or something. She also seemed kind of angry about something. Later I did walk up to her and give her a hug, and she hugged back. That's it though. No initiation of anything by her the rest of the nite.
This morning she barely talked to me. She was pleasant but nothing like she was a couple days ago.
She made mention of thinking of ways to 'fill her own cup' while she was gone yesterday, and that she did just that but didn't want to elaborate on 'how'.
So while that's a good thing for her, I think it is also a way for her to also look at our 'relationship' and decide that it's still based too much on her being dependant and needy. That might explain her sudden change to 'distancing'. I know that when she left Saturday afternoon I was tired and a little in need of some affection and it probably came across that way. And when she got back I misssed her and wanted her to show me she missed me. Another error.
That, and of course the time she spends with this Girlfriend would never benefit ME since she would prefer that W find her 'true love' now that she almost 'found him'. She's in her late 30's, single, unattractive and has no experience with relationships. Not exactly a 'wise counsel' for her.
I guess this is a 'down' in the roller coaster ride. Kind of sucks because I was (foolishly) getting into the 'high'. Now it's time to be a rock and detached again.
This of course raises my anxiety levels and fears since as I was getting 'some' attention every day a 180 like this looks like a permanent move AWAY from me. Especially after her telling me it was 'ok for me to initiate things' with her on Thursday.
Yes, I am probably being neurotic. She probably got scared she was becoming dependent on me again and is going the opposite way to prove she can be 'her own woman'. I hope this isn't a trend.
Quote: Yes, I am probably being neurotic. She probably got scared she was becoming dependent on me again and is going the opposite way to prove she can be 'her own woman'. I hope this isn't a trend.
Can someone give me examples of others who got 'closer' only to suddenly get farther apart? How did it work out? I mean, it sure seemed like we were getting REALLY close.
I mean, women don't hug, cuddle with, or have sex with someone if they aren't feeling close to them. And the opther night when she gave me 'permission' to 'initiate' things with her. I haven't done that. Should I have? This is very puzzling.
Quote: I guess this is a 'down' in the roller coaster ride. Kind of sucks because I was (foolishly) getting into the 'high'. Now it's time to be a rock and detached again.
This of course raises my anxiety levels and fears since as I was getting 'some' attention every day a 180 like this looks like a permanent move AWAY from me. Especially after her telling me it was 'ok for me to initiate things' with her on Thursday.
Yes, I am probably being neurotic. She probably got scared she was becoming dependent on me again and is going the opposite way to prove she can be 'her own woman'. I hope this isn't a trend.
All very true statements. You need to continue to detach no matter what. Her emotions are going through wild swings right. She is unsure of herself ans what she wants, all signs on the MLC. How is her little business doing? Does she have some clients? Maybe you could show your support by finding some for her, that would be an ACTION showing how you care. You are correct in the fact that she is way to needy and needs this to build new self confidence. You are doing okay, keep it up. Ciao.
Can someone give me examples of others who got 'closer' only to suddenly get farther apart?
*raises hand Frank, pull up a chair. About a month ago, after extreme detachment on my part, H. began calling me in what can only be considered stalker-style. Sassy can attest to it; she was with me at brunch while this was going on one day. Anyway, this went on for about 4-5 days. One day he called me no less than 9 times. After work one night during this, he came over unexpectedly. He was acting SO different; very sweet, very upbeat (where did his depression go?) and affectionate, complimentary. I was not sure how to act; I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks and he was behaving like he was very interested in me again. Well, we ended up spending some "alone" time together, and shortly after that, he abruptly left our house. He called me later that night to apologize for this, telling me it was a mistake, that he shouldn't have come by. It was a horrible time for me. I felt very used.
I know this is not a happy story to tell or for you to read, but I think it was what you were looking for.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: I know this is not a happy story to tell or for you to read, but I think it was what you were looking for.
I'm sorry you felt used. The WAS's just don't think about our feelings at all.
I was looking through the past 3 weeks of posts and there is a pattern of 3 days or so of 'flirting' followed by 2-3 days of 'back off'. The last 'back off' was when her Mom came to visit a week ago, and the previous was just before I went away for my weekend and I was truly empty and needy.
The past few days I have noticed myself coming off the 'high' I was on from the weekend two weeks ago. She had spoken to me on thursday about feeling like she was unable to 'fill her cup' and how she was letting me do it. Since she said she had come up with a way to fill her cup herself this weekend I think it has been bothering her that she's getting support from me. She doesn't want that, she's afraid of it turning her into a needy woman again.
That makes the most sense to me.
However, I am needy and I have to stop that. The best way to do that is to back off and detach. I'll play it by ear tonite when I get home and see what's up but I expect her to be distant.
Quote: However, I am needy and I have to stop that. The best way to do that is to back off and detach. I'll play it by ear tonite when I get home and see what's up but I expect her to be distant.
And she didn't let me down. She was drinking a glass of wine when I got home, which means something is depressing her. She talked to me at dinner, but really only about her having lunch with her Dad today.
She said he of course asked how 'we' are doing since he doesn't understand HOW we can live together under the 'divorce' situation. And I think he told her to 'fix her marriage'.
I guess he belittled her giving him the book 'The Four Agreements', saying it was just more spirituality 'crap'. That kind of stuff really hurts her because it's insulting.
In general she said she told him a lot less about what she's thinking or doing because he "doesn't get it".
Tonite she seems like she's feeling sad, and wants to reach out to me, but won't. No hugs, no kisses, nothing. Barely a smile or two. Keeping her distance so she won't become 'dependent' on me I guess. Last week she almost couldn't keep her hands off me. Now she's far away.
D15 is not feeling well so in a rare expression of neediness she is sitting with W watching TV while W massages her feet. It's good that they spend the quality time, you don't get that very often with a teenager.
It's almost 10 pm so I probably won't get a chance to talk to her, or offer her some foot rubs or head rubs that she likes. This sucks. Once again I built up hopes and expectations. This is not a good thing to do.
I guess we got too close too fast. She seemed like she really wanted it, but then decided it was too much and she has to get divorced or she will become dependent on me. Something happened this past weekend with her friend, or she had too much time to think about her life and how she believes she is becoming 'needy' and has to have me around to 'fill her cup'. That scares her.
Matbe she'll change her mind in a few days. She's still smiling, so that means she hasn't 'checked out' completely.
Nah Frank, you are looking at it wrong. She is confused by all that is happening, but as long as FRANK continues to do what he has been doing, she will poke her head out again. She may go back "into the tunnel" a few more times before she comes out for good, it is all just part of the process. Has to be hard to realize you are in love wtih what was in front of you all along and I'm sure that part of her feels like she has to "save face" because she went and told everyone about OM and how yu guys are over, now she would have to explain to everyone how you managed to work it out. That isn't easy to do. Let her process it and continue what you were doing, she will come back. I'd bet on it .
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Quote: Nah Frank, you are looking at it wrong. She is confused by all that is happening, but as long as FRANK continues to do what he has been doing, she will poke her head out again. She may go back "into the tunnel" a few more times before she comes out for good, it is all just part of the process. Has to be hard to realize you are in love wtih what was in front of you all along and I'm sure that part of her feels like she has to "save face" because she went and told everyone about OM and how yu guys are over, now she would have to explain to everyone how you managed to work it out. That isn't easy to do. Let her process it and continue what you were doing, she will come back. I'd bet on it .
What are you willing to bet?
Ok Becca, I am willing to agree with you for the most part. I keep trying to think back to times when I 'went back' to an old girlfriend after a bad relationship, which is the closest thing I can compare this to.
I know the one thing that was very different was that I did NOT spend any time flirting or really any quality time. Mostly I whined to her about the lost relationship.
I KNEW I didn't want her back, I just wanted a shoulder to cry on.
The most difficult thing to reconcile in my mind is this: WHAT IF OM had not turned out to be a loser? I mean, she is willing to leave me comepletely for ANYONE she perceives as 'better'. Not a very hopeful situation to be in. She didn't just 'have an affair' she demanded a divorce, even though she hadn't even started a relationship withh OM yet, she was still pursuing him. That's pretty serious and it's difficult for me to think she would 'come back' after making a decision like that. But then the things she had been doing the past week or so have been totally unexpected.
Last nite I stayed in my own room while she watched TV alone. I just got the sense that was the right thing to do, stay out of her space.
She seemed in a similar place this morning, depressed and has the blahs. I jokingly told her I wasn't going to 'drag her out on a hike' to get her out of the blahs like I did last week, and she said that was a 'good thing' because she didn't want to go.
I offered her a hug and she thanked me but said no.
So, rather than stay around, I decided to leave for my office early. When I left I took a chance and said goodbye to her as she was sitting watching TV, and kissed her on the forehead. Seemed innocent enough and I maintained a positive and 'up' attitude.
I kind of wish I knew what happended over the weekend with her over protective, idiot friend. I am willing to bet W talked about how she feels dependent on me because of her business and other stuff and GF told her how awful, nasty, bad that would be since I am just going to always be the same, and never change... Clown.
But then, most guys who are my age (47) or her age (37) and are single, are either divorced or weird. As evidenced by OM's behavior.
Well, she smiled a few times today. That's a start. Hope she has a better day today.
