Out of curiosity. Why do you try to placate her? How does this help?
My H has a tendance to use absolutes when he's talking too "always & never"....I HATE that, because as you said....it's not "always or never" that you do something. I stopped my H in his tracks one time when he did this to me by simply saying. I don't appreciate you using an absolute like "always & never" when you say these things....because while I may "often do (or not do) something....it's not "always or never", so saying that is unfair to me....and untrue." But I have stopped him from doing that to me.
Another thing I might do...is sit there and listen to her say what she has to say, then say "ok honey, I've listened to you I understand there are some needs of yours not being met and I will try to do better. Since you've brought the subject up though....here are some needs of mine that I'd like to talk to you about too, they are just as important as yours."
As for defending yourself, diffuse the situation if she tries to accuse you of finger-pointing, or blaming her. If this is truly not what you are doing, then ask her how she thinks you are trying to place blame on her.
Lastly...why in the heck are you avoiding her to placate her? Why are you trying to placate her? You two aren't going to get through this by doing that. By avoiding her and "placating" her...you are telling her her behavior is ok, because you'll let her get away with it.....and you just begin your vicious cycle over again at step one.
Stand up to her. It sounds to me like this is really lacking in your interactions with her. It appears to me that she knows she can behave this way....and you will back down. What do you think?
Out of curiosity. Why do you try to placate her? How does this help?
when we were going to counseling over a year ago, the counseler told me that my wife may be bipolar. I think that is a bit extreme. I think she just has extreme mood swings when her period is coming on (which is about now). In another week, she will be a different person and we will probably be able to talk about it more.
I am a conflict avoider and a "pleaser" - as such, when she is in a better mood 10 days from now I will not bring up and rehash this incident. Also, I spend a good deal of my time making sure she is "happy" - whether that means running to the kitchen to make her a snack or cleaning up a mess in the house. When she gets in one of these "moods" she sees everything in a negative light and I am worthless. I can still remember 10 days ago when she told me I was "the perfect husband and she couldn't imagine being with anyone else..."
There is no sense debating or trying to reason with her. She has a "she's always right" mentality at times like these and it is pointless.
She had an important day today. I'm sure when I get home today it will have gone bad and it will be because *I* got her in a bad mood this morning by rolling my eyes...
well, I've been thinking about this a lot today and I guess the point I'm at now is a question...
If one person has a need/want (emotional connection) then who is responsible for making sure that need/want gets met. In my situation, if my wife felt that I was not spending enough time with her, all she has to do is say "hey, let's have lunch" or "what are you doing Saturday?" - should it be MY responsibility to fullfill her need when I don't even know she is lacking? If people don't want to go out of their way to hang around you because you're complaining - shouldn't you try NOT complaining all the time?
I've read a dozen posts on here about the high sex drive person doing everything in their power to make it easier on their low desire mate to meet their needs. We know that we aren't going to make much headway if we are constantly telling them what a failure they are in the sex department...
yet, that is exactly what my wife is going. Instead of coming up to me and giving me a hug and saying "I've really missed you...let's go do something together..." she says "your dropping the ball again and I'm really disappointed in you... how many times have I told you that I...blah,blah,blah...
Then why don't you say "Wife, I cannot listen to any more of your berating me tonight. In light of the fact that you have decided that you will not try to meet my needs, I am done having this conversation with you. I love you but until there is some equity in this marriage, I will not be participating in any conversations that center around my failures."
Then go do something fun for yourself.
You voluntarily have given all your power to this woman and then you sit back and wonder why you are so unhappy. Take some of it back and stop placating her. It's not workin anyway.
Geekspeak, I think Honeypot made the point in the last email so I just want to say Ditto. Stop playing the victim. If you want something, you need to be crystal clear to your W about it. In fact, I think when she is in one of those "happy" moods, that's when you should really be blunt and honest about how you are feeling and the needs that you have. She will hear you better then and hopefully not become defensive or outright ignore you. If she does, confront her on That and go from there. Stop side-stepping the issues.
I'm echoing Honeypot and LFL here. You are coddling her, and she's learning she can get away with this behavior and not address YOUR needs....because you aren't standing up for yourself. You are going to have to be stronger.
I have read your comments and will consider. I will see how tonight goes. I just really don't feel like going above and beyond right now. I just feel like being left alone till she gets done with her phase.
I can understand where you are coming from on that. FWIW, I'm not suggesting you go home tonight and stand up to her about this...right this very minute. I am though suggesting that you do find some time to sit her down and talk to her...firmly. Or at the very least the next time she starts letting you know how you aren't meeting her needs....that you stand up to her then.
Hm. Methinks this is sounding like another "BOUNDARY" discussion. You know what I should do is create a web page on Boundary Basics... and each time this comes up, I just refer to the web page, rather than retyping and repeating...
Does anyone remember what thread our latest boundary discussion was in?
Geek, I don't understand why stating what you are willing--and not willing--to tolerate is going above and beyond. It should be the rock bottom basic foundation of your communication with her. Kwim?
Why do you consider being non-negotiable on your own needs to be going above and beyond?
In order to break out of the cycle you will HAVE to face this conflict head on. I know you don't want to, but you will continue to keep stuffing your resentment if you do. And in the meantime nothing will change.
