Well I think I've tried everything I could think of : Sent e cards every day; cleaned her car; rub her back; massage her scalp; made and brought hot lunch to work; bought books that go unread and magazine articles that go unutilized; when she decided to walk early morning I went with her .... about 5x ... then she quit; when I tried to get her started on exercise with me no way !! She has Diabetes is at least 60lbs overweight. I've frequently tried to get her motivated to exercise or diet, not even for me but to be around when we hopefully have grandkids. She even sent me an article regarding the damaging affects of Diabetes ... and said I'm really going to start now! It's been 2 months!!! While I was in the kitchen during Christmas someone rubbed my back spontaneously ..... of course it wasn't my wife, I can't remember the last time she had done that in 22 years!!! She comes home from work, barely speaks to me, eats, does HW w/ the kids then sits on the couch and passes out till I wake her for bed. This weekend for a solo long car ride I gave her a copy of a DB radio program. She didn't listen to it!!! It's not even the minimal amount of sex, it's the simple things like holding hands; a good night kiss; a back rub; playing with my hair; talking about the kids or about a home remodeling project. BTW I want to do some of this remodel work myself, I really know how to do this stuff, but she'd rather pay someone to do it !! I'm finally at the point where I'm "user transparent" and finally at GIGO (garbage in garbage out) ie I've been neglected and don't think I've got anything else to give!!! SO ANY IDEAS??
Hi, and welcome aboard. I noticed that many of the things you are doing to try to get a response out of your W are Acts of Service....are you sure that's your W's love language? If you are constantly doing these things for her, buying her things etc....and that's not her primary love language....then you aren't likely to get the response you want from her.
What I'm curious to know is....what types of conversations have the two of you had? What have you told her you need that you aren't receiving from her?
It does seem pretty apparant to me that her weight/diabetes has probably gotten to her emotionally...sounds like she might be depressed, in which case that can be a vicious cycle. Has she talked to her Dr?
I also wanted to point out something to you that you may not have thought of....all of this stuff you've been doing that in your perception is "motivation" might be, from her perspective.....pressure. I know you are simply trying to motivate her to do what's best for her health (mentally/physically)...but from her perspective...you good intentions might be coming across as "he doesn't like me the way I am, I'm not good enough."
Her language? Do you mean as in Venusian or Martian? I've stated my simple needs numerous times, both in writing and in person. I'm not CONSTANTLY doing these things. I'm a touchy-feely person. I like to make people feel good. She's sees the MD every 3 mo. but I know she hasn't brought up any of these depression issues that your referring to or libido issues. Actually I've been on an antidepressant!!! Being user transparent I've frequently pictured myself using a rifle on myself. No I don't constantly pressure her. It was her idea to start walking and then to stop. I got up when she did, 5am. As you read in my post she sent me an email re an article on Diabetes and it's affects. She sent me the email that said she needs to get started on exercise ASAP. AND YOU KNOW THAT I THINK SHE DOESN'T LIKE THE WAY I AM, I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! I don't get promotions, I don't have colleagues etc. I don't even get a good-bye kiss in the morning. I haven't presssured her about anything all these years, just infrequently for about 7 months. She's been this way for about 13 years. What's worse is that in the past few days she has made some small attempts to hold my hand or just cuddle in bed .... but I really , for the first time, feel an aversion to her touch !! I don't find the need to touch her either !! The words I love you feel hollow for me to utter. Is that the "pressure" release she needed that you're alluding to.... that I disconnect myself from having any feelings and make her user transparent to me! Anyway it's now 2:37 am maybe I'm finally done with being lost until 3 1/2 hrs from now, when it all starts over again.... something like that "Groundhog Day" movie!!! AAHHH why wake-up just to feel like this again for another day !! TTFN
Yes or I wouldn't be here! I'm going to need some edification on this "love language " thing. Thanks for responding Now 2:43a in my neck of the woods. Got to get the kids up and driven to school in a bit. TFFN MM85
I'll respond more here in a bit, but for clarification on the "love languages" we're speaking of....there is a book "The Five Love Languages", it's an easy read, it's not expensive and you can order it via amazon.com or just pick it up at a book store....it'll clarify what we are talking about. There are 5 major love languages....everyone has a primary one out of those five, chances are hers isn't what you've been speaking (or doing)...that's a really, really, REALLY common thing to have happen.
Ok...have a few more minutes to respond to your post here
When I ask you how you communicate your needs to her what I mean isn't necessarily the method (writing or verbal)...I mean more, do you sugar coat things? Do you, try not to hurt her feelings? Do you state things bluntly? Do you use euphamisms or analogies? I find that often we, the HD spouse, have a tendancy not to put things bluntly or clearly enough to the other person....sure, we say what we want but we tend to do it in such a way that it lacks the weight of real importance when our SO hears it. It's difficult for them to take us seriously if we are hesitant to really speak seriously about it....and sometimes that means we have to be really blunt, and sometimes say things that are hurtful to the other person (as long as those things are truthful).
I notice you say you are a touchy-feely person, this tells me that yor primary love language is probably PT (physical touch)....your W's probably isn't. For someone like you who is touchy feely you might be more likely to be more physical with your W out of desperation (trying to get her attention, you may not even realize you do this)....and that can unintentionally push her away because she will feel smothered....and/or feel like you are constantly rushing at her. I know you may not literally be "rushing" at her....but someone who feels smothered often feels like the other person is constantly coming at them...so their natural reaction is....to back up. Therefore if you keep coming at her...she will keep backing up, and you will continue to be horribly frustrated.
As to her visiting her MD every 3-mo, why don't you ask if you can go along sometime? That way, if she doesn't bring something up that's important...you can. If her Dr. doesn't have the full picture he/she can't help appropriately.
Now, your statement about being user transparent and picturing yourself using a rifle on yourself really concerns me Mr.Mom...that and the fact that you think she doesn't think YOU are good enough. Just out of curiosity, do you have self-esteem issues of your own (besides this current sitch in your M)? I notice you say you don't have colleagues and you don't get promotions. Would you say you are a strong personality, or more of a timid one? This could have a very large impact on your R with your W as well. I'm guessing (just guessing mind you) that you aren't a very confident person and that it's probably very difficult for you to stand up for yourself....would I be correct in that? If so, a lack of self-confidence or self-assuredness can be a big turnoff to women....good news though if this is you, you can fix this!
It does sound to me like you're going through what I and other's call an emotional flu, or as I'm fond of calling it...."dontgiveashititis". That's when you just kind of become numb to the other person, you're tired of trying, you really don't feel anything towards them one way or another...but you aren't attracted to them necessarily....and you don't crave their touch. For me and others on here this has been a temporary situation....BUT it's also been something I think many of us found necessary. We had to get to this place to finally get to where we needed to be in order for #1 our spouses to see they were losing us, and #2 to say what we needed to say without worrying about what the other person would say or do.
Ok...that's enough for now, what are your thoughts?
QUOTE ____________________________________________________________ For someone like you who is touchy feely you might be more likely to be more physical with your W out of desperation (trying to get her attention, you may not even realize you do this)....and that can unintentionally push her away because she will feel smothered....and/or feel like you are constantly rushing at her. ____________________________________________________________
I know that I am definitely guilty of this too. But how on earth do you get around it? When I am "sex starved", my natural impulse is to push for it more and of course that just pushes my SO further away. With that said, if I don't say anything then nothing will happen either - it seems my SO will just assume I am happy with the way things are.
The whole self esteem issue being discussed is interesting too. My self esteem is very much related to the SSM issues and validation with my SO, and as a result of the problems we are having my self esteem is a bit in the dumps.
Are you on an antidepressant for problems relating directly to the situation with your wife, or are there other reasons why you are feeling depressed as well?
It is a really difficult situation, I did this same thing myself. What I explained to my H...in exactly these terms is that HE was putting me in a catch-22, of course I explained this in our MC office....so she could make sure things weren't misunderstood. I explained to him that if I brought things up, or was "touchy-feely" he felt pressured...and he'd back away from me = I don't get what I need. But on the other hand....if I backed off, didn't bring things up, and conciously backed off of being so touchy feely then he also...didn't come to me = I didn't get what I need. I told him "I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't....at this point, with you....there is no way I am going to get what I need because YOU have made up your mind you WON'T do it for whatever reason." Now, this was in my sitch...what I told him was the absolute truth.
Throughout our MC sessions we did come to realize, and he did come to understand...he was withholding from me, intentionally or unintentionally....he had made up his mind he wasn't going to do what I wanted. So at that point, nothing I was going to do would have worked.
Scott & Mr.Mom....my best advice to you two if you are stuck in this situation is to flat-out state your case with your W. Tell her that she's putting you in an impossible situation where it's her way or no way....and that is not fair. It's not fair for her to have her needs met, but not to consider yours. Sometimes you really do have to spell things out and vividly point out the situation to someone to get them to see it.
Also, our self esteems do have a tendancy to take a nose-dive in these situations....that's only natural. What I'm trying to find out with Mr.Mom though is....has his self-esteem been an issue for a long time? Was it an issue prior to her or is this something fairly new?
See...it's not exactly fair, but women do view a lack of confidence in men as a turnoff. Men who have confidence, act confidently, act self-assured...are often much more attractive to females. They don't have to be the best looking guy in the room either, they can be very average...or even less than average looking, but the confidence comes through....and that acts like honey to a bee.
Someone who appears to be lacking in self confidence, or who might have low self esteem....often appears needy, and unfortunately...that can work in the opposite fashion. So, if you suffer from low self-esteem doing things for yourself often helps build it up. Do things you enjoy, do what's called GAL (Get A Life). Invite her to do things with you that you enjoy, but if she won't....do them anyway, without her. Start something new, start working out...but do some things for YOU that make you feel good. It truly does help.
