Thanks, to you both. It's certainly enlightening to get other perspectives. I'm glad you pointed out that what he said should be taken positively, rather than negatively. I didn't see it that way. About both the kids and ML. I perceived them negatively.
And, I did "reward" him. After he was gone, yesterday, I sent him a 3 line email that basically said I was happy to see him spending time with the kids and that he was a good father. he didn't say anything about it, but that's OK. I didn't expect him to. It made me feel good to say it, because it's true. When he's good he's good. I sent the email because he had texted me {taking the kids} was hard for him to do too {because I had said it was hard for me} - I also thanked him for sharing this with me. Didn't dwell on it, just the simple thanks (with my intent that maybe it will get him to share more in the future).
As for how I ended up being the only "parent", well his work schedule is grueling. He wasn't here a whole lot...and when he was, lots of times the kids were already asleep when he got home and he would leave before they got up. Can't do something if you're not here to do it; or sleeping - so the onus fell on me. Think about a truck driver only being home on weekends; or a military man gone - that's how it was around here.
Then, when he WAS here, I guess i continued to do things because I felt that he worked hard and so he deserved a break. And home was his break. Or there were things that would need to be done that only he could do - fix the shingles, mow the lawn - yeah, sure I could have done them, I guess. Excuses? I don't know - yet that's the way it was.
One of SO's friends just left...well, maybe I should say ex-friend...or drifting away from SO's crap friend. Seems like SO is losing ALL the people he used to call friends. This guy told me he thought me & SO were together still. Didn't know until today that SO had moved out. He knew SO was seeing OW, but thought we were back together. Interesting.
We only touched briefly on the whole subject. I don't like giving out too much information that may very well come back to haunt me. I don't know - confusing as ever.
SO dropped off kids around 2:30. As it turns out, D3 is very sick with a bad cold. (I'm being punished for what I said about them getting sick!)...SO & I didn't talk too much - I was a little uncomfortable around him. Not sure how to act. I was getting dinner made so I only had to put it in the oven when it was time, and SO said he didn't like what I making. Then added - not that I can stay for dinner, just in case you were going to be nice & ask. I only answered with "you don't like ziti?" and got off the topic of him eating here.
He asked me if I planned on getting a job. I said yes that I was looking to find something that would accommodate our situation.
He took some clothes from the bedroom. Filled up a box and told me he wasn't going to take any more. ANd "If seeing the stuff he had on the dresser bothered me, then to put them in the closet".
Said he would be here tomorrow before D7 got home from school. Told me the only thing he told the kids about his place was this was his "hotel room closer to work". He left here after about 2 hours.
All in all, I remained nice, friendly, pleasant. I did catch him "looking" at me once or twice - that made me smile inwardly. I don't get those appreciative looks from him too often anymore.
He called to say good night to D7, then asked to speak with me. Told me he wanted to say "Goodnight to you". I don't know - I find it hard to believe him sometimes and don't know why.
Interesting day, so far. Got email this morning from SO with "I want you to know that I dont like this situation at all, and I dont want you thinking that I'm happier now, because its very hard for me. You'll never see it that way, I know, but I wanted to tell you that. When I get to my place and see toys, bottles, and all the fingerprints on My glass table, it really bothers me."
With everyone's past advice to take the "good" in these things, I'm doing just that. A crack in his armor, maybe? As far as sharing stuff like this with me, anyway. No, I'm not jumping any guns; still have no expectations, but it's a good sign that "CHANGE" is in the air. My response: "I know - this is hard for all of us. I'm sorry for that. You're right - I don't see it from you because you're always acting like it doesn't bother you. So, thanks for sharing that. " I ended with telling him to have a good show and we would see him later. He's been emailing me ever since, also with some inclusion about ML later. That's got me a little worried. I don't want him to get thinking that coming here = free sex. Don't know how to handle it. I joked around with him, but didn't say anything definite. I also told him that he didn't have to come visit to day if he didn't want to. That "I knew he had been with the girls a lot of the last few days and if he needed some time to himself, that it would be understandable." Haven't heard back yet.
I also took a peek at his work profile - don't know what prompted me to do that. He's changed it again. Almost very sad & pathetic. Changed the line that used to read "still trying to convince miss right I'm the one" to "ALone, in a dark unforgiving world" or something like that. Also had a quote that's been in there for awhile that had said "The biggest regrets In Life Are The Risks That You Didn't Take"
And now he's added to that: "And sometimes those risks you take are the biggest regrets in life"
Hmmmm....things not going so great out there on his own in the big, bad world? Is that bitchy of me to think?
Today was quiet. As it turned out, being nice, I told SO if he didn't want to come here today, I would understand. My exact words "I wanted to say if you don't want to come out here today - that's OK, too. You've seen the girls for the last couple of days, so I understand if you need some time to yourself. That would be OK, and I'll leave the final decision up to you." Never thought he'd take me up on the offer, but he did.
Then he called, making sure it was "OK" if he didn't come out; babbling on about how he needed to go buy new shoes; had other things to do; was tired. I emailed him about a joke we had going back & forth and added to the email: "And, for whatever reasons you DON'T come here, I don't want you to feel like you have to explain yourself about it. You don't. Share with me what you want; keep to yourself what you want. OK? And that doesn't mean I don't want to hear what you have to say. I do, I just don't want to pry into anything that I shouldn't. OK? OK. lol"
His reply when he got to his place, that "I always tell you whats going on, and never feel obligated".
Lesson learned for the day - do not suggest something unless you really mean it. Yet, if he didn't want to be here, its just as well that he wasn't. I do not want him here if he does not willingly choose to be here - not for the girls, and not for me. He is his own person, free to make up his own mind.
One week that SO has moved out. I'm very sad today. I couldn't sleep very well last night, woke up to D& in bed with me. She was getting sick (cold) last night and I gave some medicine which made her go to sleep early - 7:30. SO placed his usual 8 pm call and I had no choice but to answer it. (Not answering would only have resulted in him calling back.) I was a little short with him - I didn't want him to feel obligated to talk to me and I didn't modulate my voice very well. He picked up on it and texted me about it. Also emailed me this morning about it. I know I have to work on this - then, on the other hand, I sometimes just don't really give a damn what he thinks.
On top of that, I got an email from his dad & stepmother wanting to know how "I" was; if I'm moving back their way. I'm stuck in the position now of having to decide if I should tell them he moved out or what. I really don't want to be in this position. It seems as though everyone (his family, mine) are all on "my" side, this fuels SO's anger - towards them and towards me. Like I have anything to do with how they perceive HIS behavior. It's part of the reason I've been avoiding everyone.
I'm worried about things. I think with him out of the house - it's so much easier for me to give up. Once I give up - I fear there won't be any chance. I've been looking at the clothes he left here...looking around what used to be "our" bedroom. I want to put them away; I want to re-do the bedroom. I have the time to do it today. I know what it signifies to me - putting the stuff out of sight will help me realize he's not here anymore. Another door being closed. I wonder what it would signify to SO. I wonder why I care what it means to him. Anyone have any thoughts on this?
I know what it signifies to me - putting the stuff out of sight will help me realize he's not here anymore. Another door being closed. I wonder what it would signify to SO. I wonder why I care what it means to him. Anyone have any thoughts on this?
Yes. Do it. You are not moving away or changing the locks. You can wonder what it means to him, but still do it, just like he wonders what moving out did to you, but he still did it. If you want to change the bedroom around, then I think you should. If he wants to move back in, then he can have a say. Until then, it's YOUR bedroom. I would see that as part of GAL. Maybe I am wrong...others who are separated might do well to chime in...
I guess I was seeking some reassurance that it was the "right" thing to do in this confusing mess.
If I were being really truthful, I guess I would have to say that I had already made up my mind to put his stuff away. And, if even more truth be told - I wanted to do it last week - the day after he left. Maybe that's how I deal with things - push them away out of sight.
Just like pushing him to move out. I pushed because I couldn't deal with things anymore; the way they were. So now, I pushed him out and I don't have to deal with that hurt anymore. True, it's been replaced with a different kind of hurt, though now I see it as one that "I" am responsible for; one that I caused to myself. I can deal with the hurt I cause myself - own it, deal with it, accept it. It's when someone else hurts me that I have difficulties.
I just had a thought that maybe subconsciously I'm doing this just to see what he'll do or say about it. I have to wonder if I've gone crazy. Am I fishing for "answers" of some sort from him? Him moving out - well, it left me with one question I can't seem to get past - does he see this as a "separation" or as a "termination".
Damned horrorscope: "Deep in your heart, there's profound misgiving. Even deeper in your heart, there's a sense of absolute certainty about the same matter. You feel torn between an urge to alter everything and a strong yearning to continue exactly as you are. These contradictory impulses can't both be valid, can they? In a funny way, they can. It's right for you to do what you are doing. It's also right for you to be unsure about it. Without an awkward inner dilemma, there would be no sensitivity, no sanity and, ultimately, no success. Venus is about to change signs."
Don't have much too say. Tuesday, I cleaned up all so's clothes in the bedroom, put them out of sight. I think it affected more than I realized as I was in a bad mood the whole day; with periodic tears.
He called for D7 that night and she had already gone to bed so I spoke with him. Knowing he was only calling for her and not expecting me, I had an attitude when I picked up. He kept asking me what was wrong and I ended up blurting out "Can't you see I'm trying to distance myself from you". Later on we were texting about the call - I told him I feel like he pressures me into saying things and then I end up saying things I don't mean and it upsets me.
Then he called around 12:30 AM after he got out work - still not sure why (perhaps in response to my "distancing" comment?).
In the morning I woke to a text that said "Sorry" from around 2 AM. He also emailed me about the upcoming day, him visiting, and if D7 could go to work with him the next day.
Found out his "sorry" text was because he said he was "sorry for making me miserable". I told him I wasn't miserable, he wasn't making me miserable, that I was sad, tired, hurt - but not miserable because of him.
He was teasing me about what we were going to do when he got here. I told him if he expected "that" (ML) he should stop. That we both should stop expecting it from each other. He told me he misses "it". (Thinking to myself, is that the only part of me you miss? Or will the rest of me & my body follow?). But, I'll take that comment as a positive and hopefully he WILL come to realize all that he is missing.
In the end, he brought me lunch; we talked a bit. I told him I had to take a nap, he joined me. Some things I noticed - it was more passionate than it's been in a while. Without explicit details, he was kissing me a lot more (something that seemed to be missing); and he was doing things that he knows "I" like. I noticed those things right away. Maybe I have turned into the "OW". Don't know if that's good or bad.
He also said/did something that referred back to something I had said about 2 weeks ago - so, I've learned that they ARE listening - whether we realize it or not. So, even though he didn't say anything about the bedroom being cleared of his stuff - I KNOW he noticed - I'm going to see when/if he comments on it.
He asked if could take D7 with him for the night so she could go to work with him. Said there is snow coming, and he predicted school would be closed (he was right). I said OK, the only mistake I may have made was asking "if it was only going to be the two of them". He said yes, who else would be there? I just looked at him and said "You know." He went to say something and I cut him off and said "I'm trusting you with this." Then changed the subject. I also complimented him on his hair. He seemed surprised at my compliment.
All in all, it seemed like a good day. Right up until he left, he kept saying how good the sex was. I'm training myself to try and NOT keep analyzing things. There may be a time in the future when stopping this may be the thing to do. For now, with everything being so new, I'm just winging things until I become more sure of myself; more focused.
I can already see big changes between our interactions, that's a positive. Being away from each other seems to be making a difference. Of course, no way of knowing how it will turn out, but, I'm starting to see much more improvement in myself and how I react/interact with him.
I hate to say it, but with him not around, I'm so much more relaxed & less bitchy when he IS here. The constant "second guessing" him; wondering if he's lying, and all that - well, now it's none of my business - I've been training myself to think that. It's made a big difference on my frame of mind. This (him moving out) may not be the optimum way things could have been handled, although I hope it's the right thing for us.
Taking it one day at a time! Focusing on the positives. I have so many questions, still, but I know that I may not get the answers; asking the questions is not always the way to go. I'm trying to let all that go. I try not to think of OW - except in the case of now she's the one wondering where he is when he's not where he's "supposed" to be; we've had a bit of a role reversal and I hope to capitalize on that. These thoughts help me deal. The only problem I foresee is asking D7 if anyone was there with them - I don't know what to do about this.
After today, I won't see him until maybe Sunday, but probably not until Monday. He's got a big thing at work Friday & Saturday and he won't be able to get here.
All quiet here...SO has a work thing until Sunday.
Yesterday he brought lunch for us, we ate together, then he had to go pretty quickly.
I did find it interesting?; flattering?; actually - not sure how to take this. He commented yesterday, twice in person, about how great the day before was (re: ML). Once when we were eating, then again after he hugged me goodbye as he was getting ready to leave. The 2nd time, I said "Well it must have been if you keep saying so!" and gave him a smile. Later that afternoon, he then sent me a text that said "Saying it again -it was good." I have no idea how to take his repeated comments on this! That was a total of three comments about it! At least I know he's thinking about me! LOL Just not sure if THAT is the best thing about me he can come up with. ?? Gotta start somewhere, I guess. LOL
Today, I've got the living room tore apart...LOL. I'm on a roll - rearranging, cleaning, sorting through the kids old toys. I hate being idle - gives me too much time to let my thoughts wander. LOL I'm just curious as to how I'm going to move our TV - pretty big, VERY heavy - it usually takes both of us to move. It will be a challenge, but I'll figure it out. Hopefully, without hurting myself!
The things I do. Moving that TV by myself was the stupidest thing I have ever attempted to do. The thing is, there is NO WAY I should have been able to do what I did.
I slid it off the TV stand onto our chaise lounge. Positioned the TV stand where I wanted it to go, then got the chaise & TV over to the front of the stand by bracing myself up against the wall and pushing the chair with my feet. Never realizing, once I got the TV where I wanted it that I had to lift it about 6-8 inches up off the chaise onto the stand. I tried a couple of times, worked up a sweat, dropped it on myself, pinned myself under it on the chaise, bruised myself, started crying -fully anticipating a heart attack or stroke. I got it propped back on the chaise and walked away.
I put the two little girls at the kitchen table, in their chairs just in case something happened to me...at least they would be safely strapped in.
I took a break, crying the whole time, decided to try again.....All I can say is it had to be God doing the lifting, because I certainly couldn't do it by myself. Not being a regular church goer, I'm almost afraid to say this. But I don't see any other answer. I think it was His way of telling me He's here - helping me; giving me strength when I think I have none left. I'm going to be OK from here on out, no matter what. I felt so completely overwhelmed by this and had to share it. Maybe I should have something more profound to say, but I don't. Rather I am sincerely humbled and in awe of the whole thing.
