Well, today D was sick, so I stayed at the house and W said she wanted to come by. She immediately asked me what I had told her parents about her living situation. I told her that, yes, I told them that OM had moved in with her. She asked if I had told them that it was "temporary". I said yes -- I told them that she had said that.
I guess I should step back and explain that we lived with her parents last year and I still am. W has bipolar disorder and usually has serious delusions associated with her manic episodes. She went into a psych hospital for 4 days in November 2004, and we moved in with her parents for a while after that so that they could help me take care of her and our D (since W couldn't help take care of D). We decided to stay there while I tried to establish my own consulting business, but that didn't work out as well as we would have liked. Ironically, we were about to move into our own place when she chose the OM over me.
Anyway, my point was that, since I live with her parents right now and they are very involved in the situation, there is no way that she could expect me not to tell them she has moved in with OM. She is in denial about that fact, saying angrily "We have not moved in together -- this is only temporary." Of course, OM could have gotten a job and an apartment before he moved to Baton Rouge, but that fact escapes her.
She's also furious that I don't want D at her new love nest. She says that I'm using D as a weapon against her. I had also said that we should put visitation on a regular schedule, instead of her just calling when she gets a break in her (admittedly busy) work schedule, and she has decided that I want to keep D from her.
Anyway, since she was angry, I asked her to leave and I handed her my letter explaining that I would not be talking to her anymore (and also suggesting a visitation schedule and covering a few financial things). Apparently, that made her a lot madder, since she drove back after reading the letter and shouted through the door that she was going to distribute to my friends and business associates the things I confessed to in counseling (specifically the problems that I had confessed to with respect to pornography -- and have now conquered). Sigh. I told her to go ahead if she wanted to.
All this just confirmed to me that going dark was the right decision.
I called up an old college girlfriend yesterday, and it was fun to talk to her. She's not seeing anyone, but I don't think she wants to restart anything with me (which is good, because I'm only looking for a little companionship, nothing really romantic). I think I may go to the singles meeting tonight at my church.
Anyway, this post is all over the place, so I guess I should end it.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Well, this evening was the first of the visitation schedule I proposed, and W didn't show up or call her parents to say that she wouldn't be coming. Weird.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: I don't know how to set goals for things that I have no control over. I can make it a goal for my WAW to end the affair tomorrow, but that seems unlikely. So what goals can I formulate? The only ones that I can think of concern myself. I've set a goal of continuing to work on my issues in counseling so that I'm confident that I'm healed of them. I've made it a goal to change careers and get my teaching certification this summer so that I can take better care of my D.
You are absolutely correct. You can't set goals for something over which you have no control over so you can only set goals for things you have control and the one thing thst you have control over is YOU.
Reflect over where you believe that you could have done better in your 50% share of the R. You've mentioned you've overcome porn which is an achievement in itself. Are there other behaviors that you have identified that you need to remedy? Also, after a long term relationship, people tend to loose focus on what it is they want out of life so being S, is a good time to reflect over of how your were BEFORE you got M and how you have changed to accomodate the M.
Typical examples of goals that people have set and achieved during DBing have been losing weight, giving up smoking, taking up or rediscovering a hobby, getting fit...things that they traded in for taking up marital and parental responsibilities. It's like rediscovering who you really are.
Quote: Not this Friday, last Friday. Her wanting to sleep with me just before she went to Arkansas to help him move in with her.
It ain't any of my business but I hope you are taking precautions to avoid yourself contracting any diseases. Please be careful. It's not worth risking your life over a f#uck.
Quote: Anyway, since she was angry, I asked her to leave and I handed her my letter explaining that I would not be talking to her anymore (and also suggesting a visitation schedule and covering a few financial things).
Well done on this. I'm glad you are comfortable and secure enough to put your foot down when it's warranted. Too many LBS's are so emotionally distraught that they easily get confused as what to do in tense situations so it's refreshing to hear someone who is in control enough to tell it like it is and not be artifically nice just to "keep the peace".
Besides, it's universally accepted that women respect men who are confident and stand up for themselves so even though your actions made your WAW mad, you are not losing respect. If you accomodate her every whim, she will take you for granted and use you to her advantage.
Quote: Apparently, that made her a lot madder, since she drove back after reading the letter and shouted through the door that she was going to distribute to my friends and business associates the things I confessed to in counseling (specifically the problems that I had confessed to with respect to pornography -- and have now conquered). Sigh. I told her to go ahead if she wanted to.
Successfully standing up to WAW, giving the appearance of moving on, getting a life, enjoying your life, being happy, being a better parent, not contacting WAW, being strong and confident....WILL ALWAYS INFURIATE THE WAW.
If you read around the sitch's, you will find that the successful DBers have found this in nearly 100% of the cases. It seems the reason why they are infuriated is because the LBS didn't behave this way before WAW dropped any bombs. The WAW had given up, broken up the family and without her asking, the man is someone who she always wanted him to be.
Just don't buy that "too little too late" crapola. They will say it but it is rare that they ever mean it. Actually, when they say it, it is a good sign because they have noticed and acknowledge that you are a man that's changed to be more desirable and attractive.
Quote: My only regret is that I'm now going to go dark starting with her mad at me. I wish I had been able to cut things off while we were on better terms.
No, no, no, no, no. Don't worry about where you left things off. She needs to blow off some steam, it's a good thing. All it means is that you have got no chance of being laid THAT DAY.
For my 2cents, you did the right thing. Let her blow off some steam and she'll probably do it infront of OM and it will probably put a strain on their little fling. You don't have to feel bad about this at all
Quote: Well, this evening was the first of the visitation schedule I proposed, and W didn't show up or call her parents to say that she wouldn't be coming. Weird.
You need to be careful here. The last thing a WAW would want or accept is the will of the LBS imposed on her. What you did by putting together the schedule is logical and responsible. The problem you got is that you are dealing with a person who at the moment, is neither logical or responsible.
I agree with you. Your D4 should not be exposed to that environment. If your W is saying that the situation is temporary, then it is reasonable for your D4 not to be there because it will not be an arrangement that D4 will need to get used to thank God.
I really felt that I needed to go ahead and do the total separation, because WAW seemed to think that I was going to continue to be her best friend indefinitely. She actually asked me last week, "Do you think that you and I could still take D to Disneyworld together, for her sake, after our divorce?" What a question!
Not seeing or talking to me will definitely take a toll on her, because her parents and sister are so upset that they have also just about stopped talking to her. Her friends have told her that the decisions she is making are stupid. Finally, she's already broke and that situation is only going to get worse by "temporarily" supporting OM.
So, yes, if her relationship with OM can handle all that strain for more than a few weeks, I'll be stunned.
In any case, I have the luxury of not having to worry about her getting a D anytime soon (since by law she can't have one for two years unless I want it). I can take bigger risks than I would if I had to worry about her filing tomorrow.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
W tried to call me yesterday morning, and I didn't answer. She didn't leave a message. Instead she called her mother and went into a rant. Upset her mother so much that she left work at noon (this is a woman who works sick, never misses any work).
Anyway, I thought about what my lawyer had told me about being generous with visitation now so that I'll look good if there is a court fight later, so I decided to write W an email and offer an additional evening of visitation. I also reaffirmed that I want W to spend time with D (not trying to keep them apart or use D as a weapon).
I also reaffirmed what I had written the day before: that I didn't want to see her or speak with her, that I was tired of her games and deceptions (after telling MC that she was open to reconciliation while she had already planned to move OM in with her in less than a week, while telling me that OM would have his own place).
Finally, I told her that it was sad that she would threaten to send my private confessions to my friends and business associates, but that God would use it for good if she did. I told her that I'm not ashamed to talk about it, as my victory over porn is now a witness and a testimony, and that I want to help other guys with a problem.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
You are firm and in control. Everything you are doing is according to the right script. Honestly, I was going to suggest you see a lawyer to understand your rights just in case WAW goes all psycho-legal on you but you've got that base covered.
Thanks, Scooter. After two days of being dark, I'm feeling really good about myself. I've created a plan with specific goals, and I'm excited about areas of self-improvement and certain fun activities.
I've also realized that the last letter and email that I've sent her reflect a little anger over her latest deception. I'm know I'm not going to get her back by being angry, and I realize that if I want to appear attractive to W, I need to start valuing her and admiring her, as hard as that is.
I'm therefore going to force myself to write a list of the 20 things I like best about her (body parts don't count!), I'm going to pray for her in a much more in-depth manner (not just that she'll dump OM), I'm going to stop judging her (internally), and I'm actually going to write some love poetry for her (and keep it to myself for now).
I think those things will help me to continue to have a PMA and will prepare me to reconnect to her when I decide to resume contact.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: I'm therefore going to force myself to write a list of the 20 things I like best about her (body parts don't count!), I'm going to pray for her in a much more in-depth manner (not just that she'll dump OM), I'm going to stop judging her (internally), and I'm actually going to write some love poetry for her (and keep it to myself for now).
This is an excellent game plan as far as your WAW is concerned. The only suggestion I would make is along with the 20 positive things, you also consider the negative things just so you are balanced in perspective.
You will find all too often on this website, LBS's that are blinded by the rejection of their WAW's that they delude themselves into believing that their WAW's now possess a beauty of mythical proportions. It's like, they were OK before they left and when they do walk out, they are awarded the status incredible beauty. It is irrational, it is 'addict in withdrawal' behavior and it is delusional and unhealthy. I'm just saying this more as a forewarning. This is not a trap you want to get sucked into.
The poety is a good idea too provided that she don't see it for now. When you write it, try not to personalize it. Use the feelings that you have for your WAW but make it generic.
Thanks for the warning Scooter. What you are talking about is dependency, and that's not a danger for me right now. If it were, I don't think I would have voluntarily separated myself from all contact with her.
No, I'm thinking about the negative things too much at present (liar, betrayer, bad mother, etc.) Why would she want to come back to someone who thinks so poorly of her? The OM thinks she's an angel, and every woman wants to be adored. I'm going to have to force myself to think about her good qualities and think of her as a wonderful person who got ensnared by the devil in a horrible sin -- mentally separate this sinful behavior from who she is a person.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
