Thanks for the slap on Rob's thread. You're right. The business card thing was not good DB. I really didn't think too much about that until you pointed it out.
Almost bed time. I will update with anything important. I am out of town for my niece's birthday party tomorrow. It should be interesting.
Oh, and after all that good vibration, W was in the garage for a LONG time and then I heard her car door shut...she keeps her cell in there now... But it rolls off...at least for tonight....
Back from b-day party #2. W, kids and I went to my nieces' birthday party today. It went well. I did my best "as if" job ever just being laid back and everything went great. W and I laughed and really, it was a normal (well, what USED to qualify as normal) day. Of course, in our world, nothing is ever really that easy. Here's my problem. I have figured out that this daily limbo, "normal-ness" is driving me crazy. Really, communication between my W and I has never been better. My anger is all but gone. I am hardly ever frustrated any more. I really let things, especially the small ones, slide. So here we are, a month out from the most traumatic conversation of my life and things seem great. One small problem. They're not. I am so confused because even in our hey-day I don't think my W and I ever got along this well. So of course in my mind, I think things are turning the corner but still there is no physical contact what-so-ever. The OM is still in full swing (really, I SWEAR I was not snooping, my W is just careless) because I found a earring she must have bought him for V-day (I don't wear an earring). Funny, but that didn't bother me. Like I said, I am doing all the DB stuff but it seems like all it has done is make my W extremely happy, getting to have me at my best (which is like a best friend I guess) and him doing whatever he does for her. I found myself at times during the ride home today thinking that in this scenario, I will just have to end things sooner or later because I am going mad living life without affection from a woman who, other than the fact that she won't touch me, seems like my W of 8 years. I suppose all this is normal?
how about this: try to imagine that although things are going great, it's still a) hard to believe for your W that it's for real and for good, it's only been a month after all, not to mention that you guys seem to quite frequently take fight breaks with snooping and interrogating
b) she is able to feel that although you're not angry outside and get along pleasantly, are still mad and desperate inside and feel that you're entitled to demand her affections and she that drops everything and be what you want her to be.
Now, honestly, do you see a slightest bit of a problem here?
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
a) hard to believe for your W that it's for real and for good, it's only been a month after all, not to mention that you guys seem to quite frequently take fight breaks with snooping and interrogating
I don't quite know what this means. The first part makes sense and I realize the time frame here is short. The second part about frequent fight breaks. I think there have been 4 R talks/fights/interrogating incidents since she dropped the bombs over a month ago. One a week seems fairly infrequent to me. Maybe I am wrong. In any event, your point is well taken if not all the way understood.
b) she is able to feel that although you're not angry outside and get along pleasantly, are still mad and desperate inside and feel that you're entitled to demand her affections and she that drops everything and be what you want her to be.
Ok, I agree with this too. Sure thing. Gee, she's still seeing someone else while playing happy home with me. Can't imagine why there would be some underlying tension. I don't expect or demand she drop anything except her boyfriend. If that is controlling and too much to expect then oh well. At some point she will have to do this if we have any hope to reconcile. That all said, the difference between me now and 3 months ago, 5 years ago, etc is night and day. For most of our R I could NEVER let something go, and I mean for 5 minutes, not 5 days. I could never stop talking about something until it was "finished". BIG mistake. I do not do that now. Of course, see a). It's only been a few weeks so...
I get what you are saying. The changes are too new to really expect her to do a "180" of her own, and maybe they are somewhat transparent to the extent that I have not been able to fully commit to some of them. Is that about right?
I get what you are saying. The changes are too new to really expect her to do a "180" of her own, and maybe they are somewhat transparent to the extent that I have not been able to fully commit to some of them. Is that about right?
The changes that anyone makes in their lives, must be real, they must be for themselves and no one else, otherwise they will not be true and more than likely the changes will not be permanent. It is possible that history will repeat history.
Most WAS look at the LBS and say WTF, it took THIS to happen before you WOKE up and smelled the coffee...what about all the pain, lonliness, heartbreak I've endured through the years of our M!! Why NOW? Why did it take this to make you realize that there was something wrong, something missing? What assurance do I have that this is permanent (we all know there are no guarantees in life, right, but STILL).
Yes, the changes perhaps could be TOO new, TOO quick for her to grasp or believe. It's about consistency also. Not having backslides into previous behaviour issues. Remember, the WAS is not trusting of the LBS. They may want to, but something holds them back because they've been there, done that, experienced that.
A month, a few weeks, not very long in the scheme of things. Especially when you take into consideration that it took years for the M to get to where it is today...it takes a great deal of time to recover.
At least this is how it was for me as a WAW. Your mileage may vary (YMMV).
Seems like the message is the same from both of you. It just sucks so much, as it says somewhere early on in the DB book, to be the one doing all the work and I'm NOT THE ONE HAVING AN AFFAIR. So I have to do all the right things to ATTRACT HER BACK!!@$@#! I KNOW I did a lot to spoil this thing but so did she. I guess I am just at the anger stage of grief right now. I see my W seemingly SO happy, and I actually trust it now that I saw what her faking it all these years. I can't help that sinking feeling that I actually have become that roommate she claims she's had for over a year. Look, you might do better to ignore me right now. This is really just the latest thing my brain is coming up with to self-sabatoge. I will NOT give in to it.
All in all, this has been my BEST DB weekend. My W just called after a night "not" watching the Super Bowl with the OM. If you recall, that was one of my biggest fears, and it came true. Know what? I had a GREAT time with my boys. I let the S5 stay up for the whole game (bedtime is usually 8:00) and it was a memory we will cherish. When she was leaving we barely noticed. We were having a dance contest. Things are getting better but like I have been saying the past couple days, better sometimes feels worse in this sitch. Thank you for the words in the face of my negativity. I am reading a couple books right now (Reinventing Yourself & Little Book of Letting Go) that should help me get a handle on my issues. I will update tomorrow.
I will have to comment here on the posts going on in Frank's thread. That is some deeply profound stuff. I hope someday I can stop wallowing on the surface of things and explore those levels of living life.
In reading the first of my two current books, Reinventing Yourself, the author presented the concept of being aware of one's life journey. In relation to what I just said about Kaly, Frank and others' posts, I think that is what separates the few from the many here, and everywhere in life. I admit that I have only recently become aware that there even was a journey, let alone that my active participation in it was important. I have been cruising through life, content with my family, career, spirituality, possessions, etc., never once taking stock and actively making a difference in what I was doing or where I was going. My W picked up on this long ago. Even though she has not been in the workplace since we were married, and was a "professional student" for much of the early part of our R, she understands what it means to be ambitious. Her family exudes ambition and energy for life. Sadly, I did not. Actually, she does not either, but I think it is her inherent understanding of what it means to be "alive" that she gets from her father especially, that at the same time challenges her and depresses her. I feel for her because I am finally getting to the point where I see the "light" and yet I am still in a victim's mentality of feeling I cannot reach it. With all that is going on that is negative in my life right now, I keep getting stuck (see: last several posts) in the seemingly overwhelming emotions and power that I GIVE THEM. There are times, actually many last night, when I would cry. I would know I didn't need to but something inside me just decided I should cry. It was totally unlike the crying I did the other day when I felt somewhat detached from my W and the sitch. This was self pity. It was deep, sobbing crying that came on in the face of things looking "ok" for once. Do my tears now come from fear? Am I afraid of what it means that my W and I get along better now than we have in years? Am I afraid of failure? I keep having this feeling in my gut that is really the worst feeling I have ever had and I don't even know what it is. IS IT FEAR? This journey to personal strength and happiness is something so new to me, and so full of hidden pitfalls that it's all I can do to stay focused on it. It would be so easy for me to just give in to this feeling in my stomach, or the feelings of loss, failure, anger, resentment, hopelessness and self pity. It is SO much harder to stand by the most powerful feeling I still have. Love. I see love in my boys. I see love in my W. I love so much and I want that love to be what carries me to wherever I need to get to next in my journey. I don't want anything to derail me. I want to embrace my love and truly let it be unconditional. As Kaly said (or my interpretation of it anyway), I feel strongly that in developing my self worth and making the conscious decision to love in the face of nothing in return, I need to begin to evaluate how much I am willing to endure for the sake of my M. Right now, I feel so tired. I am tired, but I still feel that my love is strong and more importantly, I am becoming stronger. What I am realizing is that by starting on my journey of self-discovery at the same time as trying to resurrect my marriage, I will most likely end up strong enough to do what I need to do, just at the time when I need to do it.
My W talked a lot of being trapped when she broke my heart a month ago. I know the feeling. I now also know what it feels like to be free from that. My time with my boys last night was SO fun and made me feel SO good. When she left to go to the OM, I barely even noticed. We took time out to give her hugs goodbye and that was that. I didn't stalk her while she was getting ready. I didn't initiate a hug. I didn't follow her out to her car to "get something out of the garage." I didn't stand upstairs, or in the front room to watch her car fade into the distance. Instead, I held my love for her in my heart and danced with my boys, played with them in the yard, made a great dinner of hotdogs on toothpicks, chips and coke, watched the Super Bowl, and really until the house was quiet, didn't give my W a second thought. I didn't light the candle... Oh, and through all that, she called 3 times just to make sure things were ok...funny how that works...
Last night, shortly after she came to bed, I was awakened by her sliding her hand into mine. I have NO idea if she was awake or asleep. I put my other hand over hers and held it tightly. About 5 minutes later, she abruptly rolled over, went back to her side of the bed and that was that. Have NO clue...
Sounds like you had a great Super Bowl and did very well in controlling your emmotions, and did some great DB! Who knows what the hand thing meant but like you told me take it for what it is! If she called 3 times while she was gone and then held your hand you could read alot into that. Sounds like you are getting back to being personally grounded, and doing what you need for yourself, and she is taking notice again! Like you said funny how they react. As you know from my recent post on my sitch I am experiencing the similar circumstance. You pointed out that we can over react and expect too much..We have to take the moment for what it is and then move on. Dwelling on it and over analyzing a reaction from our W kills us emmotionally.
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
