Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Unique situation....REAL part 4

GH

First off, let me just say that something like this never comes at a good time. Sucks that it had to happen...knowing you as I do (which is to say, only from what you've posted here), I'm sure you're going through every emotion known to man at this point. But, as bad as the sitch is, you must not let it affect you're goals and progress to this point. In fact, this may be the best time to show that you are supportive. This will be a difficult time for her. No doubt she will be feeling a LOT of guilt about that, which will only increase the level of guilt she feels in general. The most important thing for you is to be as supportive as you can right now.

I'm sure you recognize that its not the end of the world because this happened. Please, stay strong for her, yourself and your children. You can do this, I know it.

Grasshopper:
hang in there.
It might be a bad thing, but only if you don't transform it into a opportunity: for example, an opportunity to show your W what the new and improved Grasshopper does in difficult situations and how he compares with the OM.
You could really score major points.

All,

Well, a day spent at the county jail waiting for my W and actually, I did ok. I WAS strong. I validated. I did not judge her.
So far, so good. We just had one of the deepest conversations of our lives about all kinds of things, including our R, but in abstract terms.
It was really nice to have her open up to me like that.
We spent a lot of time today touching, which was really strange and nice. She wanted a lot of hugs from me and the irony was not lost on her.
I know the OM is still in the picture but after today, at least my W knows what I am capable of and that she can still count on me do love her like no other.
We'll see what the future brings. I would love to think we can build on this but I really don't know. I am going to finish the night out taking things as the come and tomorrow is another day. I am taking the day off again to wrap up Thank you all for your support. I would not have been the man I was today if it were not for what I learn daily from you.

GH

Grasshopper,

great
A MAJOR test passed.
And it's not about being able to please her, it's about truly being a changed person, and I mean changed for the better.
It also means that when you behave differently, you influence other people to behave differently too, which is what you want.

I can only wish that I were more like you and hope that I learned my lesson too.
Maybe when I will I reap some rewards too.
So now it's your turn to teach others

Last night at around midnight, my W was booked for DUI... I think this will impact us. It will severely damage our lives in ways I don't think we understand right now. None of this was ever supposed to happen.

Ouch. Sorry to hear that. Then again, glad to hear the cops are doing their job and making the roads safer, you know? They may have prevented some people from getting killed last night. And maybe this won't severely damage your lives but instead serve to be the silver lining in that this will be the lesson for her that stops her from ever DUI again, and maybe even stops her in her tracks to reflect on what she's doing with her life. Hope it works out.

my fear is that someday we will find ourselves holding the flame for a M that has been dead at our W's hands for months/years before we extinguish it.

Why are we fearful about things that haven't happened nor have to happen?

at least give up the OM and give it a try...

I think the key to understanding why we can't think this way is understanding the fundamental truth that our WAW do not want to work on the R and they do not want to give up their OM.

That's true. Further, LBSs would like their WASs to give up their OPs yesterday, if not sooner. This negates the understanding that whatever led the WAS to seek out an OP didn't happen overnight, and the reversal of events doesn't happen overnight either.

I think the best way for a WAS to give up an OP is for the WAS to experience the OP in all it's glory, and mayhap if the warts get pronounced, the LBS feeds positivity, the WAS may come to realize, of their own accord, that the OP means nothing.

Yes, BTW, please do post that link.

Thank you NYS. Long time no see. Here is that link...

Successful Men

Great to hear from you GH and to see that you faced this test with strength. I wish you all the luck and keep us posted!

GH you have come a long way an are an example to all of us!

Sorry all. I have not been able to post much in the past few days.
First, everything is as ok as it can be with a family member facing a court date for DUI.
In short, my W has hit rock bottom and she knows it. I don't know how that will affect us, but I have done my part in being supportive, validating and NOT trying to fix her through this. I feel really good about how I handled things. I wanted to yell and scream at her for doing this to our family but I did nothing of the sort. I did not bring up her drinking. Actually, for the first time ever, SHE did, saying she wanted to go to the doctor and possible get a sleep aid so she didn't have to drink at night to sleep. It's an excuse for sure but she clearly said she wants to change her drinking habit. Sure, it looks like she's trying to replace one addiction with another but it is a step to go to a professional and ask for help.
Also, we have been having deep conversations over the past few days since this. She seems (and I say SEEMS purpously because the reality is that she thinks she needs me right now and could be saying anything to further that) to understand what she's been doing and is remorseful about it. She's apologized several times for putting me through all this on top of what she's been putting me through the last month.
I won't lie. It has been really nice to have contact, both physically and emotionally with my W again. She was open to me hugging her, and even walked around in front of me nude (she has not done that in a LONG time). She seems really comfortable with me.
All that said, I am still guarded. It was me of course who most recently pointed out that us DBing LBS's crumble in the face of positivity. I am determined not to do that. I love this change in her but I think it could be just as easily motivated by trauma and desperation as true change of heart.
Who knows. I am living this day as a new day and we'll see what comes. Until the OM is gone, and she demonstrates that to me, then nothing is "Ok" but it IS better and that's all I can ask for right now.
I will post much more over the next day or two. Thank you for caring and I will try to catch up on your sitch's asap.

GH

GH, I'm so glad to hear that things are going relatively good. I like your positive attitude with regard to this sitch and I am quite sure she appreciates every moment of your support. While you recognize that it may not be a turning point, I think it is a huge babystep forward. Keep up the positive attitude and good work, there are many obstacles still ahead, but considering how you handled this one, I am certain you should have no problems dealing with the others. I am really pulling for you!