Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Am I totally insane????

Thanks, RB. I know you are right. I have basically let him come and go as he pleases and have set absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. I have SAID some boundaries here and there, but since I never actually enforce them I suppose they are null and void.
I know I need to detach and start worrying about my daughter and myself, not him. It makes it easier when our contact is limited, as it is now, but I hate that he is the one initiating it. He seems to control the situation at all times, but what I really want to do is find a way to turn the tables. I know eventually an opportunity will present itself and he will start contacting me. I just hope I am ready to be strong when that comes.
Thanks again for your advice, I will try very hard to follow it, as I know you are 100% right.

Yeah so to answer my own question from this previous post, no, not strong enough. H asked me a few days ago if I am dating anyone and since there is a guy I talk to (and am going out with tomorrow nite with a small group of friends), I told him the truth. Then ofcourse yesterday was our daughter's bday, he expressed to me yet again how he can't stand to be around me because he wants to have sex with me so badly and it drives him crazy. So although I have been doing MUCH better and was doing pretty well in detaching, I decided that I WANTED to ML to him, because I feel the same way he does and, well, I just wanted to. Here is the problem. Maybe out of guilt or who knows what else, he starts telling me he loves me, he wants our M to work out, he misses me, etc. He cannot just be casual about it. So once he starts talking I end up talking too, well actually he asked me questions. I told him that I have decided to love him unconditionally and would be there for him regardless of his choices in life, but that I can't take him back until he gets his head straight, last time D4 started getting used to him being here and then he up and left again after 10 days. I told him I love him but I need to protect both D4 and my own sanity, and that I am going out with that guy on Thursday regardless. I told him I am not looking for a relationship as he seems to think, but that I am just going out to have fun and will not stop that. I told him I am happy that I have regained my identity and will continue to move on, that he should work on getting his head straightened out and hopefully by the time he does we will both be on the same page. He didn't like hearing this, and kept just being overly affectionate, gazing in my eyes, touching my face while he kissed me, etc. It was hard to not go totally along with his affections and take him back open armed, but I think my fear of being hurt again helped, as I did hold back alot and maintained my position of moving on. I just knew that he would leave again if I took him back right away again, he is not ready, just freaking out about me seeing an OM. He said he is really scared of the idea of me moving on, the idea kills him.
I meant what I told him but then today he seemed SO distant already (which I didn't expect with my night out coming tomorrow!!) and I wigged out and called him on it. I asked him if his thoughts have changed since last night and he basically just told me that he is taking my advice and is going to work on getting his confusion sorted out, that I should do my thing in the meantime. I don't know why but I don't believe it. His mixed signals are so hard to deal with, there is so much more but I do not want to make this post TOO long. He sure did confuse me last night!!!
I don't know if I should have ML or not, but I was pretty glad that even though I did, I didn't tell him we could get back together right away,I just wish I didn't call him on his mood today, wish that I had just smiled and acted "as if" But I couldn't. I was so miserable when he stopped pursuing even though he knows I am going out tomorrow night. He even asked if I wanted D4 to sleep at his house again on Friday so I could go see a band play that I had mentioned wanting to see. WTF!?!? Now he is ok with it? Last night he was FREAKING out, even said so himself. I know I should detach more, and I do think I am getting better, but the hard part is holding my own when he changes things up a bit. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated, as always. Thanks for reading!!!

Hi Flutterbyme...
I read through your thread, and our sitch's are a lot alike. I think our H's are both feeling confused and guilty, and I know in my case, there's a lot of anger, not necessarily because of me, but he directs it at me. In your last post, you basically told your H the same thing that I wrote to mine last week. While I don't totally know what is working for me or not, I do know that if you are going to tell them you love them unconditionally, that is what you have to do, back it up, you know? It seems to take the pressure off the R, and it makes ME feel better, for a couple reasons, it's like acting "as if" you'll be fine regardless, you'll actually start believing it and then knowing it. And when my H sees detachment starting, he starts paying more attention to what i am doing, gets more flirty and sweet, which makes me feel like it is working.

Also, the no R talk makes a big difference, it backs up your detachment, and it keeps them off the defensive. I always wanted to talk R stuff so I could get a status check, but I was never hearing what I wanted to. It seems that when my H comes to me to talk, he's thought out his feelings and is less reactionary. Sure, they never want to talk as much as we do, that's what I use this BB for, and I keep a journal in my hotmail account.

The s@x thing is really hard. I have gone back and forth and am never really strong enough to say no, either. And, whenever we do have any kind of romantic or tender moments, my H pulls away the next day like yours. What is this? Guilt? Regret?I don't know, but I try to not think about it.

And, I wanted to comment on your MIL's death. My husband's dad died when he was 18 (he's 35 today), and that has been a major theme since he started counseling a few weeks ago. His C says that he never went through the stages of grieving, so he has never resolved himself with losing his dad,and becasue of his age at the time, it's had a huge effect on him, hence, the whole "taking care of the 18 year old." Who knows what kind of mental effect your MIL's death has had on your H, all of those emotions can be so confusing.

Anyway, this is all long-winded and scattered, and maybe even a hijack..really the only thing I know thatt I can share with you is that the more you take care of yourself the better you'll feel about yourself, and it is easier to project that towards your H. In turn, he is more responsive and interested. It really is like being someone they want to date, but with the advantage of history.

Hi all. I have been debating on whether I wanted to post this but have decided I really need some inspiration, if anyone can spare any. After the last post I made, I went out with that OM, and my H was texting me all night, he went by himself to a bar down the block from my house to watch his friend's band play and wait for me to come home cuz I told him I would call him. We met up and ML, I also flipped out on him a bit (had been drinking) and for the first time ever I showed him how hurt I am by OW. He was all over me, he loves me, she means nothing, just a way to ease the pain, they have no connection like "we" do, etc. He basically just told me we were getting back together and I lost all strength by that point and took him back. He left OW, told her he was back with me, and we spent every night together after that until this past Tuesday, so that was like 12 days. Now he is gone again. Back to OW. I texted him "Do you love her?" and he said "yes." "Do you love me?" "Yes but it is differant now, I am not the same person anymore." I am so torn up now. He had been SOOOO lovey and affectionate the whole time, we got along great and the sex was incredible, as always. He is obviously in a depression of some kind though. Last Saturday we went to his cousin's wedding, which he was supposed to bring OW to, and we had a great time, danced all night and he had the DJ play our wedding song, along with a song that I have always complained that the DJ played while I was in the bathroom at our wedding (I had really wanted to hear it, the Summer Nights duet from Grease, everyone sang it together but I missed it and always teased him about not waiting for me) so he had them play it and I thought that was so sweet. He was also singing "You're the one that I want" and "Let's Stay Together" to me. Told his whole family we are gonna renew our vows in Ireland next year. Two days later he started acting funny and calling OW again. When I called him on it, and I HAD to, I couldn't live with that sick feeling of knowing the tables had turned yet again and he was gonna leave - I have gotten so used to the cycle, it is scary. I told my close friends Tuesday during the day something was wrong and he left that night. Now last night, OW texts me. She would like to talk. I told her ok, 9PM. Then at 8PM when H called to say goodnite to D4, he basically asked me to lie to OW, because he told her he slept on the couch while we were together and he "really likes" her and doesn't want to "f*ck things up" I could hardly believe how cruel that request was. When I called him on all the things he said to me while we were together he basically made it seem like he was just trying to be a family and spend more time with D4. But that doesn't seem true to me, he is all about ML to me and wanting to go out at night with me. Last Friday we went to a club and danced all night. He was all over me. I don't get it. I told him he needs help and that I think he just keps going back and forth btw me and OW to try to find happiness but that he is hurting inside and needs to deal with that before he can ever be happy with either one of us. I told him he needs therapy or something. I know I shouldn't but I am just worried about him. His actions are not normal. How can he go from on eextreme to the next? And can anyone advise me on what my next move should be? I kinda have always felt like once I reject him and he finds himself without me when he wants me, that will be the only way he might face the problems in his head and heart and try to get help. But yet I can never seem to turn him away, I love him so much. Please, if anyone has any words of wisdom, I would so appreciate them. I feel like such a fool, yet I really believe that he FELT all of those things at the time that he said them. Why would someone purposely create this kind of pain and drama in their own life? He threw OW out the window, and then threw me out and pulled her back in. Very drastic moves. Very impulsive. Scary. OH and also, I agreed to not tell OW anything, I hate lying though and he knows that, so he suggested I just not say anything at all, just not talk to her and I told him ok. Honestly, it may sound silly, but I would rather NOT be the one to break them up. Their R is based on lies and cheating, and he has so many intense feelings about me left, that they are doomed anyway. I would rather they break up on their own than have him blame me. Because then she will become the idealized "one that got away" and I will become the b*tch that broke them up. I would rather him be stuck with that miserable OW (who he has already been totally disgusted with many times in only 4 months) and let him idealize ME, the wonderful wife who didn't rat him out or try control his life by wrecking his R with OW. Make any sense? Or am I am idiot? I hope not cuz it sure would have felt good to tell her EVERYTHING. I figure now that she will be SO insanely jealous and insecure when it comes to me that she will drive him NUTS. Good.
Thanks in advance for any advice you guys might have!!

Wow. I can't say I wouldn't tell the OW everything. That must have been hard to lie to her. Eventually you H will hang himself with her himself. I can understand that you want their R to die on it's own. Most do. It's like the OW don't believe the MAN will lie and cheat on them, too. The OW in my M, my H was sleeping with me while seeing her after he moved out. Now it appears he's done with her and just bar hoping, sleezing around. MLC, it's like some abducts your H and anything is possible.

I can't imagine your pain for those great days that seemed your R was better, then this. I would surround yourself with friends right now, pray alot and let your emotions out in private. I think you had something when you mentioned, this all came about when you went out with OM. But H thinks he stopped that, so now he can go back to OW and not worry. I wouldn't go with OM to get your H.

Are you seeing a C? If not, I would advise doing that asap. I feel for you and keep posting. Pour out your heartache.

I've been reading about detaching and think that would be good for you right now, to help you function.