Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hit the Wall....Am I on the otherside?

Hi Tim, glad you enjoyed Vegas, it was probably just what you needed.

As for your W that is all good and I agree with what Grasshopper said, just take it in your stride but don't get your hopes up.

Detaching always makes the WAS react and that is what your W is doing, at the moment whether it means much well that remains to be seen. I would keep taking things as they come, act as you have been, keep detaching but don't be cold just take each day as it comes. They do Yoyo alot so remember that.

You are sounding great at the moment so keep it up....

Thanx Kim
I do feel good. I feel I am in control of MYSELF. I have not felt that way in a long time.
I am not puttig alot into what my W did this morning. I am not doing what I did before and become so over joyed with hope that I self destruct when my sitch does not meet my expectations!
I did hear from one of my W friends that I talk to that supposedly my W and the OM had a falling out this weekend. It is just hear say because this friend heard it from one of my W school friends at the bar this weekend.
But it does help explain why my W was a little more friendly and warm, and reacted to me being a little cold towards her.
I should also explain when I say cold for me that is not being my normal upbeat, smiles, and talkative self. It is me still being friendly but a little more to myself. That is it. I hope people out there don't think going cold is becoming mean and unemmotional. I believe for me going a little cold is just being more reservered and reflective over the sitch instead of being reactive and emmotional!

Not much happened on my home front tonite!
After I thought there was some crack in my W's armour this morning it did not accumulate to anything more tonite!
After a good nite with the kids, my w asked m before bed who was sleeping dwonstairs!
I jokingly said flip a coin! Nothing much said for awhile then the queston came again. I told her that i thought we were going to talk tonite after the "moment" we shared this morning. I told her I am confused on how to react to her or act around her at times! I came home from Vegas home sick and wanting to kiss and hug her and say ILY, but felt I could not! And that hurts! She said she hurts to. I told her I want her to be able to sleep beside me, and I still want our marriage to work! she did not say muh except she hates sleeping downstairs and wants to e closer to the kids upstairs. In the end she grabbed her stuff and went downstairs to sleep. I did tell her as she went down that I miss her beside me and would like to work things out, and her response was she has made decisions that she has to deal with.
In the end pretty much what I expected. She did not want to talk and she had tears in her eyes as she went down. I did not chase and I made my position clear on our R. It is up to her to decide what she wants to do, and I will continue on with life!
At least the cat and dog still want to sleep with me!

Back on the rollercoaster ride!
More of my emmotional turmoil than anything. I woke up this morning sad, down, depressed and angry. I know what it is from I had my hopes up last nite. I did want us to take a step forward, and instead more of the same old!
I really do want my marriage back, and every morning I see my beautiful W and I can't touch her or say ILY, or do what a happy family should!
I am tired of pretending to the outside world that we are one big happy family. My W is living with me and the kids but has a boyfriend, and to people looking in everything looks just fine! What a lie!
I am hurting BIG TIME on the inside and just want to cry out. I see my kids enjoy every minute with their Mommy and Daddy, and think to myself this may end soon! I know my W sees it also, but she continues on this path that she has choosen. It seems to me such a selfish decision, and I wonder if I am such a bad person that she would not want to be with me!
I know the history we had caused the sitch we are in right now, but past is the past and the future can be so bright only with a little effort from both of us.
I tried to talk to her last nite and she did not say much. I told her that I still want our marriage and want to work things out. I am tired of living like this, and I feel we should talk it out again tonite! I know I want that so I can get everything out that I have bottled inside, but she probably does not want that!
The only people I talk to about this is through this BB! I have been seeing a C but I am not sure it is helping!
I just needed to vent and type a little this morning.
I know my W has made the decisions and has to live with the consequences, but I have to live with those consequences also!

So today is another day!
I have seen a difference in my W since I left to Vegas last week. I have detatched alot more than I ever have and have been firm on my position in regards to our R. I have not chased her, and I have been friendly and supportive to her.
We have had several good conversations, but nothing really in regards to our R. I have told her I feel we are getting closer but I am still confused on how to act around her. She says she understands and will talk soon. We have hugged a couple times, and she has told me she still loves me and misses me. There is still a wall up from her but she seems to be looking out from behind it again. I am sure the OM is still living large in the picture, and that is tough living in the same house with my W.
I believe my W is reacting differently to me because of 2 reasons.
The OM is not a quality person, and she is struggling with that.
The second reason is she has done alot to hurt me, and show no respect to me or my feelings. She has admitted that, and I am still here supporting her in her goals of completeing school. The program she is in is very demanding and requires her to work very hard, and I continue to sacrifice my personal time, and financial sacrifices to ensure she completes school. I have been the person she goes to when she is stressed about school, and whether she is doing the right thing. All I have done has been the close friend she needs to help her and support her.
This has definetly opened her eyes that I am still standing by her when really if I treated her the same way she would have kicked my butt to the curb!
It has been a tough few days because I do want to work things out with my W and we are starting to reconnect and communicate better. My position has never changed but dealing with the PING PONG ball effect of my W is tough. SHe still needs her time and space, and I can't push. If she wants me she knows where to find me! I am upstairs in the taking care of the kids, house, and sleeping in the comfy king size bed! She is welcome anytime when she is ready and she punts the OM out of the picture! While she is deciding I am slowly moving forward!

Oh Tim, you are definately back on the Rollercoaster just read your last 3 posts. The first two are back to needy, desperate and clingy and then you slightly contradict that in your last post.

You are up and down like a Yoyo yourself, I think you are just doing things for a reaction from your W, like detaching you saw that made her draw a bit closer but then when things didn't go your way, you became desperate and needy and told her all those things.

Tim you have to get comfortable with yourself first and learn not to need your W to make you happy, make yourself happy, once that happens she will see that you are independant and not needy and clingy and that may attract her back to you and if it doesn't well you will have learned to be O.K. with that by then.

I hope this makes sense to you b/c it is all stuff that myself and other's have tried to get you to realise before but you are frustrating to us when you can't stay focused for just a little bit and you don't seem to understand the DB principles at all. If we are frustrated b/c we want to help you then you must frustrate your W too. I point this out to show you that you must work on you first.

Please understand this is not having a dig at you or trying to be nasty to you it is said out of concern for you and your sitch but if you continue with this self destructive behaviour it will never get any better and I do wish you every success.

Hoping you took this criticism the right way....Kim

Absolutely Kim! I post on here to get comments from people, and I appreciate your honesty and input!
I realized my steps back this morning after I got to work.
You are right I do the DB and begin to detatch and it brings my W a little closer, and then she pushes my buttons and it is back to the rollercoaster ride!

I am not sure if my W does it on purpose, and I am not trying to use it as an excuse, but she does say things that just get me back on the rollercoaster. Saying I miss you, that we should talk, and how our conversations lately have been so open and warming to her.

That is my mistake is I buy into the words she is saying and forget to look at her actions. I try to read between the lines and WANT to think she is reaching out to me, and MAYBE asking me to pull her back!

I have to realize she will come back on her time not mine, and when I don't push and detatch I feel better and she comes closer!

Yes Tim all true BUT you dont detach for her to come closer that is just a byproduct, you detach for yourself and learn more about you. When you truly detach you will know what I mean and it doesn't mean you have given up either but you will become more at peace with the sitch no matter what it is...Aim for this it is a whole lot better than now....Kim

"It is not the goal but the way there that matters, and harder the way the more worthwhile the journey."
Wilfred Thisger

I thought this quote was appropriate for many of us!

You know Kim I felt so good before I left to Vegas and I was focused on myself and the kids! It felt good!
I am not sure if it was being home sick or my W reaching out to me when she was down while I was gone, but for a few days I let my emmotions take over again.
Today even before I read your post I started to come back to reality. I actually focused in on myself and had a great day at work. I came home and spent the evening with my poor little sick kids (both have sore throats), and just spent some time cleaning up and getting things organized for myself.
I know when I stop thinking emmotionally about my W and start thinking about myself I feel better and feel stronger.
I have flashes of being detatched but I guess it is process of growth that you have to build yourself up one day at a time. The only one that can do it for you is yourself!

Tim Im so sorry about your wife,sometimes I think a spouse has to hit bottom before, they can make their way back.But you have a good attitude I have known couples that have gotten back together and its when the unfaithfull spouse hits rock bottom.Its a wake up call.It does take time.