GGB, Well, another aspect of this whole thing is that I weaned the baby last week. So yes I'm free and clear to go to WWME (as soon as I find a babysitter, insert hysterical laughter here). So I know that I'm hormonal and sad and the dark cloud of my dad is hangin over me, for sure.
See, I did the loving reminder the first week. When the second week evolved into an encore of the first, then I got pissy and detached. To me, a setback is the first week...we start drifting because of life, etc, and one of us pulls us back together. When it begins to look like a pattern, then I get paranoid and hurt.
HP, Sorry to hear about all of the nutsyness at your place.
I'm with the chill out types. I've been in the rollcoaster here for the last couple of years, things look good for a bit then back down. Now we're kinda in an up cycle. She's been feeling tired for a long time, we're talking months, where she would take two and three hour naps on both Saturday and Sunday. This has been tough, as I don't know what her energy level will be at any time. She's been going to the Dr for checks, they've emliminated diabetes, thyroid and something which I can't remember. She went in for an overnight sleep study, to check for apnea earlier this month and she will get the results next month. This last weekend she made it through both days without a nap and had energy Sunday night to work on the kiddo's room and do some laundry. We had a busy weekend too, good friends took us to "Les Miserables" and we hung out with their family. They, by the way have 3 girls like you and unfortunately the children reinforced our decision to just have one child, you are a brave woman handling your brood day in and day out. We're wimps in that area. Sunday we had our ongoing couples group at our house for the afternoon. I was on house cleaning and food duty, while she did the religion thing in the am. It went well, but she was also not tired at the end of it. So I'm giving her major kudos for her work on this, we also had a quickie on Sunday too, so that's helping me.
So just hang on and ride out the path. Your hubby seems like he is the batton down the hatches and barrel on through type. Keep in mind what you are going through, father, sister moving, job change are ALL on the top of the list of life's biggest stressor and you have several of them at once.
So take a deep breath, hug the little ones, hug the spouse and check in with your cycber friends here and we'll help get you through.
Scott -Who is dealing with the unnatural weather here in Mn. We had RAIN, RAIN here in January when we should be having our wonderful 20 below weather. It's just not right.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
So the general consensus appears to be Chill out Honeypot!
Allrighty I can do that.
I'll be brutally honest here, since I can say this to you folks but would feel like a turkey saying it to H: Propping him up with his job difficulties has been one of the most difficult things I've had to do in my married life. He was absolutely destroyed when he got fired and it's been an uphill battle since then. He has leaned *heavily* on me and there were times when I just felt like I couldn't do it. Still, I'd reach deep down and find it in me cause he needed me.
Now he has a new job...he will be happy here, it's at a place that he's been trying to get on at for 10 years. And I'm still having to prop him up! He's nervous and insecure about it. Which normally I'd do in a heartbeat but, like I said, I just do not have it in me lately. I need some physical affection and for him to pull his head out of his....er, mind...and focus on something besides his job. I know all you fellas will chime in and tell me that this is like asking me to not focus on my lovely little girls (they are beautiful angels to me today because 2 of them are with their grandma, lol) and I can grasp that. I'm not asking him to shake it off or ignore it entirely, just to spread some of his focus around.
I'm worn out being his cheerleader.
However, this is not something I could ever share with him. It would hurt him tremendously and so this is venting and nothing more.
YOU are in need of some serious hen clucking. Lots and lots of it. Gather the girls its time to chatter.
Your H is emotionally wiped right now. His whole everything depends on his success with his job. Its something he has wanted for 10 YEARS.. OMG! Can you say performance anxiety?
So off he goes to his cave. He wants to follow thru on his words, in fact he will, when everything else gets back in order. That may not be your time frame. Tough bananas. Its good for you.
I'm worn out being his cheerleader. So stop... Um duh.
He doesnt need you to be his cheerleader.(though its nice) He doesnt need you to to prop him up. He just needs space. HE knows things are going to get better. Do you? Why not?
So if he is being unsure and insecure, do yourself a favor and let it drop your drive. Let go of the R, its not going anywhere.So you think that my two strikes and yer out position is unfair, eh I understand the position and tactic. In a marriage it is ridiculous. How long is this R? 10 years? 15? 20? Remember? those pesky vows? you think you havent had two strikes? HAHAHAH. HAHAHAH. Whatever.
Take care of you. When he gets his head out of his.... um mind, he will come hunting for you and reward you even more for sticking by him while he was 'gross' --and he knows that he is --in his own mind.
remember last time?
an unlovable person will not let you love them.
I told him that lately I do not feel like a woman around him. I feel like an IT.
I have an idea,
Tell him he is a dork he could be curing all that frustration and stress in your loving arms. then wiggle your ass at him.
Confidant funny provoking stimulating. not with expectation, but just because its funny and currently he is a dork.
The counselorize-- as Karen puts it-- sucks SOOOOO much sometimes. act like a woman and you will feel like one.
Oh, dont say your H isnt strong, That is a bunch of BS. and I am not gonna spell out the whys and hows either.
Hi Honeypot... The others have already chimed in with good advice, so instead I will offer a funny distraction ( remember I am no Hairdog...where is he anyway)?
My H and I have been trying to be more expressive in bed... he was trying to find a cute, sexy way to talk about my ummm...area down there...he's awkward saying p*ssy and the like, so I began calling it my honeypot! LOLOL.
Anyway...he LOVED this. He went as far as getting some honey and well...alright I'll stop there. He is even calling me from work with some honey-delicious thoughts. I secretly giggle because he obviously doesn't know about the original HP!
And, no, Hairdog...I don't have any lesbian fantasies about HP so stop thinking that.
I am sorry HP about your dad ( boy can I relate) and your sis moving and everything. The only thing that I can add to the JCO ( just chill out advice) is to think about coming up with a plan when the inevitable stresses do hit You know that with stress H will back off and you will need extra physical attention...it's a good idea to come up with a plan before the storm to weather the storm...maybe inact a schedule when there's a lapse of LM greater than 2 weeks. You know me and schedules...personally, I think it helped save my marriage.
Quote: He doesnt need you to be his cheerleader.(though its nice) He doesnt need you to to prop him up. He just needs space. HE knows things are going to get better. Do you? Why not?
Nope. You've got it backwards. *I* know things will get better; he doesn't. He is a chicken little, remember. He asks or hints for verbal affirmation and I always give it. I always prop him up...after all, I'm only speaking the truth--I do happen to think he's wonderful and talented and a hardworker, etc. But I don't have the emotional strength at this particular moment in my life to keep doing it--especially not when he's ignoring my needs. That's making me something of a whacko. (no further comments necessary from you, dear man)
Quote: Your H is emotionally wiped right now. His whole everything depends on his success with his job.
Well, I knew one of you menfolk would chime in with this perspective and I wholeheartedly appreciate it. This makes perfect sense. Normally I have more empathy for him but I'm flat out worn out and worried about other things....and yet, he just keeps at me with the bids for proppage.
Quote: he will come hunting for you and reward you even more for sticking by him while he was 'gross' --and he knows that he is --in his own mind.
Yes he thanks me almost daily for sticking by him during this time and never losing faith in him. Normally I suck those WOA up like a turbo charged hoover but lately even that doesn't matter. I'm just wiped out. *I* need some tlc from him. We're having a war of who is more pitiful, lol.
Quote: act like a woman and you will feel like one.
Good advice. You know where the source of this current crop of resentment is stemming from? Cause I've been propping him up for a while now and yet the FIRST time that I need a little proppage, he retreats. Oooh she's gross. She's not being cheerful and happy and alive and sexy. She's not dressing like herself...uh, I think I'll just offer to take care of the kids and leave her alone. Kwim? So...what...I'm supposed to take care of his wittle male ego but when the time comes that I'm feeling down and out, I'm supposed to continue to act like a woman? When do I get to relax and schlumpify and still be treated like a woman and not an it? Btw, he is the first to admit that he does not deal well when I'm not my usual cheery self.
So as you can see, there is still a good bit of resentment inside me. However! Today is a new day and I felt a TON better last night and greeted him with hugs and a smile when he got home from his first day at the new job. Oh and a steak dinner. Then I listened with rapt attention to all of his stories (which I really do find interesting, he is never a boring person). So we are back on track, I'm chilled.
Journey, you get the award for making Gloomypot absolutely crack up! Oh my, that is tooooooooo funny. I have to say that I've inspired probably thousands in my short life but usually it's of the "Don't try this at home" or "What NOT to do" variety. I'm so *thrilled* to finally be a positive inspiration and of such an intimate nature, to boot! LOLOL
Things sound like they're well in your house. Glad to hear it woman.
Thank you all for listening yesterday. I was ready to crack. I feel lots better today, now that H finally came home with a good attitude and was much less insecure and needy.
I keep seeing comments like I always prop him up... What do you see/view as propping him up?
Normally I have more empathy for him but I'm flat out worn out and worried about other things....and yet, he just keeps at me with the bids for proppage.
Have you adressed the fact that you need some emotional support from him right now. Not just the physical but emotional. You know recognition from him that you are going through his job change and your dad and your sister and weaning of baby pot and need some tlc.
uh, I think I'll just offer to take care of the kids and leave her alone.
Now see here is what I find interesting. I would die to have a H that would offer me space time and a chance to breath if dealing with all you are dealing with. I have a H that would offer me sex instead. Suffercate me with his neediness and insecurity if my need of a little space to deal with it all caused me to pull back a little. And build my wall of resentment towards him a little higher for not allowing me the space to deal with my own emotions for a short period of time. Wonder what the dynamic looks like from your H's side. As sometimes I wonder what it looks like from my H's side.
I'm feeling down and out, I'm supposed to continue to act like a woman?
HP I am sure your H has seen you at your worse. And he still loves you wants you and so forth. I think and I could be really off base here. That your lack of feeling womanly right now is not even tied into your H. And it is something your H will never be able to relate to. You just weaned your baby. Now I am going back 10 years but when I weaned Austin I had a sense of less worth. Breastfeeding is tied into our womanhood. That emotional bond caused by breastfeeding and all those emotions are right now out there swirling around and being unmet. And there is a huge sense of unexplaned loss. I do not plan to have any more kids but wont have a hysterectomy for this same reason it effects your womanhood atleast in your mind. Sounds stupid but ? Just my thoughts on this.
IHJ omg you are to funny! So glad things are going so well for you!
I'll give you a Fer Example. He got fired last year and it was devastating to him.
So he may say something like "What if I get fired again?" or "I still get wracked with anxiety when my boss calls me in to his office, even at a new job.."
To which I respond as any good wife would, by helping him through the insecurity..propping him up, so to speak. Pointing out that what happened had nothing to do with his job performance, it was a buyout, etc etc. He's just been beaten down and this is my way of helping him recover. He's not been like this at all throughout our married life--I don't want to give the impression that he's a weak guy. He'd be mortified if people found out how he's reacted to this. It is a temporary time in our lives where he needs emotional support. It happens in all marriages and I know that. As selfish as it sounds, I'm just ready to move on from it. Or, at least, I want the same level of support and validation from him. I can't continue to dish it out and get "space" in return.
In his defense, I know I am a hard case to crack. I tend to get quiet and withdrawn when upset and he doesn't know what to do.
Just out of curiosity, and for discussion-sake...what would happen if your H said something like ""I still get wracked with anxiety when my boss calls me in to his office, even at a new job..", and you just said something like...."eventually that feeling will pass." It acknowledges he said something, so you aren't ignoring it....but you aren't "propping" him up or being his "cheerleader" either.
So...what do you think would happen if you just acknowledged a statement like one of those but didn't smooth over those insecurities. Would you feel like you weren't being a good wife if you didn't smooth things over?
With my issue-wracked hubby...I find at times that validating how he would feel the way he feels works best. "I can certainly see why you would feel that way." With my H saying validating things like that often leads him to say something further....then I find my opportunity to validate again. I'm finding when I do this....he talks things out often without me having to give direction or, as you so aptly put it, sooth over his bruised ego when I'm already exhausted (for whatever reason).
Remember you are entitled to feel worn out every now and then, especially now...you are going through a helluva lot.
Whatever.
That is a bunch of BS. and I am not gonna spell out the whys and hows either. 