I do try and keep involved in other stuff. For instance, tomorrow, I was going to see Beatlejuice (a group that sings Beatles tunes with Brad Delp singing from the group Boston. Unfortunately, this is the second time that these people I am supposed to go with have had to back out. Legit reasons; but it sure does put a damper on the positive attitude I am tryingto maintain.) I do however, have a luau that my friends and I are going to that one of our friends has every year. I have to defend my air hockey title from last year. They have around robin tournament at the party.
I do try and improve myself; but my X and I still do stuff together, which can be good and bad. The good is, as Just_Me says, that she obviously enjoys doing things with me still. The bad part is that I keep some hope alive that she and I will eventually find a way to work things out. Don't get me wrong, I still go out and do stuff with friends. It is the down time where I am not around anyone that sucks. I was so used to coming home and someone being there, her the kids, etc. I like alot of people hate that I come home to noone.
Who knows, maybe she is just using me for companionship; but she does do more stuff with me than before. It's just that she still keeps me at arms length. I nthe meantime, I keep looking for fun stuff to do and when the occassional opportunity comes up to go on a date, I do.
My biggest thing is to try and maintain my regimen for staying in shape. I feel good, look good; but I am looking for that one last blast to get me where I want to be. It used to be easier for me to stay in shape. I guess I feel that I should be attractive to my X and other women; but I want to get over that one hump to feel like I am back to where I used to be.
Well, just had lunch with my X and S6. I had mentioned it to her the other day and she made it like she wasn't sure whether anything else was going on. So, I left it up to her to call and she did. We met and she has to work tonight, so she wasn't going to have a glass of wine; but in the end did!!! lol
Another weird thing that happened, was that when she called to confirm we were meeting for lunch, she said you'll never guess who I just saw face to face in the mall. I said the OM??? She said no, his wife. Neithr said a word and my X said if she wants to be like that fine. I warned her what her husband was like. I then thought, hey, you got involved with hime, why shouldn't she be angry. I mean does she think that just because the woman did not believe her that, at the time, it was okay to get involved??? Well, I told her let's drop that discussion and meet for lunch.
Like I said we had a good time and just talked about the kids and stuff. I told her that I hoped her work tonight goes better than Wednesday. (I was sincere that I hope it goes well; but there was also a part of me trying to make her feel good and maybe show her that things are different) She said I hope so too, as far as work.
Well, that's it for her and I today. In a couple of hours my stepson and I go workout and then it's figure out what to do tonight, by myself :-( lol
Then tomorrow, 2 of our sons are involved in basketball, so we will both be there and I am bringing the coffee. She also has pictures of my stepson, that we are splitting the cost on and then I can use her discount card when I get a picture of myself and the 4 kids. (Wish she was in it too; but that's not the way it is right now)
Big week next week. Once her schedule is out, we will figure out our swimming schedule and then as I previously said she and I have to drive an hour with our youngest for a doctors appointment. Should be an interesting week.
Just, if you're reading this, I am trying to be easy going and am doing my own things; but I still enjoy that she and I get together. I only hope that it will bear fruit in the end. IF not, I will be bummed; but I guess I can look myself in the mirror and know I tried everything!!!
Just wondering when it gets to the point where you might need to lay it on the line? What I mean is that while she and I go to the gym and swim together, plan to play racquetball, grab lunch, maybe and occasional quick dinner, etc. I am lost as to why she would do this unless she really wants to be with me or that she is using me? I know that the point is to have her feel comfortable around me and see me for who I am and hope that in the end she likes that and tries to work on things; but she is not that type of personality. I know that right now is not the time to ask, as I believe she is still sorting her self out; but doesn't there come a point in time where the guessing needs to stop? In otherwords, I know I wouldn't be doing stuff with her if I didn't care for her and want to be with her and work things out. I know it is a chance I have to take; but I hope I am not doing stuff with her just because she has no other options right now.
Yes, I do go out on a date if the opportunity arises, which is not often enough and also hang with friends and try and keep busy; but I hate this wondering game I have going on. But like I said, I know it is too soon to ask her right now.
How much of these things that you do together does she initiate? Does she go along with things you suggest or is she the one suggesting you do things together? If you are the one always suggesting and she is the one that goes along with it, I think you should let her ask. When you are swimming together, does she ask, "are we swimming tomorrow?"
I know a guy that has been waiting in the "just friends" wings for years now waiting for this girl to take notice. What he didn't seem to realize is that she never had any romantic interest in him, but he just kept holding on (I know this because she told me). He was a great guy, always helping her out and being really supportive of her, but it wasn't happening. I don't want you to find out that you are one of those guys that is being used for companionship only. For all you know, she thinks all you want is friendship too.
This advice might not go over that great, but my thinking is that you need to ask and take the guess work out of it. When you do that is up to you, but you deserve to have a feel for where you stand.
Frank you also won't like this advice I think because you are worried she'll move on if you aren't hovering around (which incidentally was this other guys problem). I think you should back away for a couple weeks and see how it goes. She needs a little Frank-free time to work through this stuff...that means no swimming, no racquetball, no favors, no lunch, no making calls to her. Just get the kids, meet your step-son, but don't do much about her. If she wonders why you are being standoffish then I guess you'll know that she missed your company.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Okay, yes, I tend to have intiated things; but here is the deal. As far as swimming, last week, we weren't sure what her schedule was this week. So, on Saturday she told me that Tuesday and Thursday were still good to swim this week. Also, she still wants to play racquetball; but for the next 2 weeks, we are busy with bringing our son to some appointments, so that is on hold right now.
Two other examples are that, on Thursday, I asked her if she would like to meet for lunch on Friday. SHe told me she wasn't sure if her sister might just drop by or not. At forst seemed like she was looking for an excuse. Then I let it go and she called me and said "I have some time to grab lunch before I go to work". THen I was out Friday night and she was working. I had dropped off my stepson to the house and her parents. WHile there, my other 2 sons asked me to play whiffleball with them. SO, I did for a bit. My daughter was not feeling well and inside. On Saturday, the 2 youngest boys had games and I knew what time they were; because she told me. Well, like I said it was 11:45pm on Friday and I get this text message telling me when their games are and that my daughter wasn't feeling well, so she wasn't sure what my daughter would be doing. THen she ends the message with okay? Not sure why she needed to text me; but she did. I already knew all this and she knew that too???
SO, I guess what I am trying to say is that, yes, I had originally intiated alot of this stuff; but I have also given her an out in that I said if you don't want to do the swimming, then let me know. She still does it. Sure, she could be waiting for something better to come along; but I am not sitting still either. I go out on dates, went to a luau on Saturday night, etc.
You say that she may just want to be friends and thinks I do too. I don't see that. I can't see where she doesn't know that I want more than friendship. And alot of people I talk to tell me, as I would, that they wouldn't do things with that other person unless they wanted to. MAybe she is different; but I didn't think so.
I don't call her at all. She and I just meet up and if while we are meeting, we talk and plan something then we do that.
So, yes, you are right in the initiation part; but she doesn't have to go etither. Right now, I am willingto do this stuff to be around her sometimes and see how we interact and whether I want to continue and to let her see that I am not what she remembers.
She has freedom and on Friday had the choice to meet up with her sisters and such; but chose to meet me. WHere all this leads, is unclear; but for now I don't want to back off. Maybe in a little more time I will; but for now I want the interaction. She does have free time without me there.
One last thing. I am not goingto ask right now where she stands on things; because I am not so sure she knows. I think she is still getting it together and also would have to deal with her family if she ever wants to work on it. So, right now, I don't think she is there yet.
Sounds like you've thought things through. Since she has had the opportunity to bow out of any or all of the get-togethers, I would agree that she wants to see you. As you know, I played this little game of see you a bunch with my XW and it led to months of frustration that nothing was moving forward. Perhaps, like my XW, yours wants to be around you, but is looking for excuses why she wouldn't want to try again. I don't know what the best suggestion is. Perhaps riding this patiently out for awhile is the best choice and if you see no progress maybe you should start doing things to protect yourself and move along with your life. I don't think you'll be happy if you look back on 2006 and find you spent a whole year in which nothing changed between the two of you.
Agree, don't confront her yet, but when you've reached your wits end and can't continue on with this anymore, perhaps you should give notice that you just need to know where you stand.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I just want to let you know how much I appreciate your comments. It keeps me grounded. I may end up wrong and you may be right; but like you said I have to ride it out for now. For instance, we were talking tonight when I dropped my stepson off and I told him have an awesome time as I gave him a big hug. I actually think I saw her smile???
Anyway, we talkedand it sounds like she would like to go out somewhere in the next few weeks if she can ask for time off and get a sitter. Hey, it could all fall apartand that would be a bummer; but I think you have helped me get to that point you had tried to explain to me and I didn't get before.
I think I am at the point where if it doesn't work, then I will be lonely; but it will be okay. I am getting a life. I know that she may push back again; but I need to take advantage of these opportunities now; because once the kids are out of school she and I will not be able to get together for swimming, etc. as easily. It's kind of crunch time to see where we stand without actually asking.
I will be okay if it doesn't work; but maybe just maybe she is slowly thinking??? Today, I asked her how work was and she said it was okay; but that on Saturday night she came close to walking out. (Wish I had that ability!!! lol) Maybe her working will wake her up to what stress I felt. And maybe she is noticing the changes in me. If she doesn't want me back then, then it's her loss. Like I said, I really appreciate your input and Iam not ignoring it or putting no stock in it. I am just keeping it on the backburner for now. Believe me, I could tell her off for doing some of the things she has done and yes, I am angry; but I care enough for her that I will not let those things derail me from making sure.
Hmm, Went to read to my youngest sons class and the teacher and I were talking later and she knows that I care for my X. She made a statement that threw me and am trying not to let get to me!!! She actually said that she noticed recently, over the last few months, that my ex's body language towards me was so much better. Not sure, what if anything that will mean for her and I; but it was nice to see someone else notice something. In addition, she also went so far as to say, "I wouldn't be surprised if she and you worked it out"
Man, nice to hear, hard to handle; because if it doesn't work, then it would be a big letdown.
On the same front for me, she is willing, or at least she says she is, to as for a weekend night off so that she and I can go out to do something and she would even ask her parents to watch the kids in order to do so, which swould be a big step for her, considering the way her dad acts funky to me.
Like I said, love hearing that; but in the end, I know it is about her and I wanting to do this; but hey it is a positive thing. Keeps me upbeat. And yes, I still keep living life, even though I would much rather it work.
Well, we'll see. Just have to make sure to take it slow and keep on the course Iam on for now; because it seems like whatever it is I am doing right now is to some extent working???? I don't know what is different; but something is.
Ok Just_Me and others. Here's a twist. I was dropping off the kids tonight and my ex had watched Pride and Prejudice while we were gone. She tells me that it is one of those girlie movies and that there are some movies that she just has to watch alone. One suc one was Brokeback Mountain; but she actually went to the movie with her sister and she stated that she was surprised that she and her sister cried. Then she makes the following statement: "I just find alot that I can relate my life to in the movie"...Now what the hell does that mean??? Before anyone goes off on the gay theme, I have asked many times beforethe movie even came out if she was a lesbian or bi. She always said no. Also, she had the affair with the OM. So, is the relation that she wanted OM; but could never have him. Just like in the movie or am I reading too much into this??? This has me really confused, as I never want to be second fiddle with her.
She still says she wants to go out to do something in a couple of weeks whn she can ask for time off and get her arents to watch the kids; but I wonder why, based on her comment above???
She and I are driving over an hour for a doctors appointment for our youngest son. I am not sure if I should just keep silent and see what she talks about; but I am not good at not talking. Well, by the time I see a reply to this, it will already have occurred; but I would like peoples viewpoints if they have them.
I find all of this so confusing. I mean is there something that she is keeping inthat will prevent us from ever fixing it. OR if we did fix it, would it be real? In otherwords, what if I am second choice and she settles or if she is gay and won't say so and settles. I don't want to find out later; but I am not ready to ask such a tough question at this stage when I have invested time into getting this far.
I think you are reading too much into this. Is she still with OM? If she isn't, what happened to end it? I don't she is referring to the movie because she is gay. I think it is probably referring to OM if anything. These walk-aways are whack jobs. Who cares what she is referring to? Their thinking isn't worth a minute of your time to fret over. They live in fantasy land and can be so selfish. If there is a chance she is thinking she is gay because of the movie, it is just another example of her living in fantasy land. You know, I really hate Hollywood sometimes. I haven't seen Brokeback mountain so I can't really comment on that show. I do remember when Alley McBeal kissed a women on her show. I remember thinking, "what is up with this world. Hollywood glamorizes this stuff, you are going to have some young girl watch this and think this sort of stuff is cool." Hollywood drives me crazy.
