I have been married for 2.5 years. 3 weeks ago, my wife told me that she was not happy nad wanted a divorce. She started naming all kinds of little reasons about why she was leaving, but they were all small things that could be fixed. I took her to see a counselor the day after she told me all of this. The counselor told us to take a few days apart and gain some perspective on the situation. We did, and returned to the counselor the next week. At that point, my wife told me that she was positive that she wanted the divorce and wanted it quickly. I gave her a million and one good reasons why we should reconcile, but she would not hear it. My wife is from Colombia South America, and her parents had been up visiting us for the past 3 months. They had no idea why she was doing this, and told me to be patient. They told me that she was probably just going through a tough time with her new job.
My wife was very cold and distant towards me and her own family. Her story changed almost daily on why she wanted to leave. I wasn't buying it. I knew there had to be something more than what she was saying.
We have cell phones, but they were provided to us through the company my family owns. Therefore, my family has legal access to the records. They were suspicious, and took a peek. I found a number that was called very frequently for at least the past month. I hired a P.I. to get the info for the owner. It came back to a man in the next town over from where we live. That town is also where my wife works.
With the name and information on the guy, I asked friends at work if they knew anyone who worked where he did (she had also called the guy's work number, so it wasn't hard to figure out where he worked). I found someone who did, and found out even more info on the guy.
My wife and I went to the counselor the next day, after we dropped her parents off at the airport, and I confronted her about the guy. She finally admitted to having an emotional affair with the guy over the past 2 months. On the ride home, she admitted that the affair had been going on for the past 8 or 9 months, and they had finally kissed 2 weeks ago.
I asked her to break it off with him and try to work things out with me. She replied that she didn't want to hurt the one she loved, and she didn't love me anymore, so she was leaving me, not him.
I went ahead and called him at that point, and told him that I was aware of the affair, and knew that she loved him. I said that I was not judging him, but what he did was wrong. Then I told him that I wished them luck together. He is ex-military, and he told me that that was a very manly thing to say. What a moron. My wife then got on the phome and told him that she loved him, right in front of me, and said she would see him later.
She was unrepentant, mean, cold and a real B.
She is leaving anyway, so I had no choice but to let her go. I am very sad because I love my wife very much...at leas I love the person she used to be. If she has such a low opinion of me to do that kind of thing, I think I'm better off without her. I'm filing for divorce tomorrow.
I'm still pretty sad though. I honestly believe that she married me for the immigration status, and since we've been married for over 2 years, she's assured of that status now.
What? No one's going to answer? I used to thread under the name Sarge a few years back. This is my second wife. C'mon guys...give me some solace...some advice.
dear friend, i am so sorry for what you are going through. one thing is for sure about these WASs women, when they find someone else, they dont think, and just leave everything. it is like they have this robot mentality. i think they crash eventually, but it will take time. on the up side, since it is your 2nd M, youve been through this already. it is devastating, and the LBS needs balls of steel to move on. my advice, dont waste time, move on, i know its hard, there is also space for reconciliation, but focus on your life. erase her from your mind. easier said than done. i send you a fraternal spiritual hug.
Well, since you've posted here before, I guess you must know the DB principles. Have you been applying them? It seems strange that you say you want her back, yet also say that you are filing for D tomorrow. My only advice is not to rush into anything that you're not sure you want.
Nicola
PS I don't usually post here, but will try to remember to check back
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I am filing for divorce...not because I want it, but because she wants it. This is so confusing to me. This situation is so different to me. This is killing me, and I just want her back. However, if she doesn't want to come back. I must respect her decision.
I am filing for divorce...not because I want it, but because she wants it. This is so confusing to me. This situation is so different to me. This is killing me, and I just want her back. However, if she doesn't want to come back. I must respect her decision.
Well, to follow up on what nicola said, if you are following DB princepals, then you know that what she says and does do not mean anything in terms of what you do and say. If she wants to file, then let her. If you do it, then you are letting her off easy. I said roughly the same thing to my W today (sorry all, forgot that little one...). I told her it was up to HER to move out or file after she suggested I had decisions to make. These problems took two to make, but they also take two to solve, whether that be reconciliation or divorce. If she has the resolve to file, then let her, otherwise, you do nothing to help her end her insanity. Chances are that she is pusing YOU to do it, overtly or subtely, because she is unsure. Fact is you cannot KNOW for certain what she's thinking but all things considered, you most certainly DO NOT have to honor her wishes.
OK, FWIW, if you don't want it, don't file. Let her file. I didn't want my D, and so I made sure my XH was the one to file...I didn't fight it, but I told him "I don't agree, this is not the right choice, so if you want this, you need to be the one to do it."
I guess I'm a firm believer in giving things time to play out. And if, in the meantime, you can limit the negative contacts you have and appear attractive in her eyes, that is even better.
I read the books four years ago. I remember the princilpes vaguely. I know to focus on making myself attractive, however, I am trying to figure out if I really want "sloppy seconds" to someone I have already married. If We reconcile, won't she just run away again if she is dissatisfied?
It's all in how you look at things. I am having the same exact feelings about my W right now. Fact is that both our W's had sex with other people before us. What bothers us is the whole possession thing. I know you maybe didn't meant sloppy seconds quite that literally but either way, if she comes back to you, you will not be the second, he was. Sure, could she just run again? Yes. There is no easy way around that. Could you also see your part in this and work towards being better for you first, but also better in you M, and to your W? Look, we all have these feelings like "why the hell should I be doing all this work when she's the one cheating on me, ready to walk away from me." It's the natural reaction. Problem is that like temporary insanity in a criminal trial, our W's can claim that now. They are not right. They may never BE right again, or maybe they will. If we don't work on us, to be the best we can be EITHER way, we'll not be there if and when they decide to accept their part in all this. I can't promise you anything, but I can tell you it has helped me a lot (not that is shows right now) and I would suggest reading the books again ASAP. We are all trying to help here but we are no experts. It may be helpful to read what a true expert is saying.
