Hey guys, c'mon, will' ya?? There have only been of late only about 16 zillion posts on being detached yet lovingly supportive. Learn what it is instead of keeping this myth going and come onboard!
Also, I should point out what transpired last night and this morning (in light of the weekly summary I added to my thread this morning.
Starting a couple of days ago, my wife began to experience some serious shoulder pains. It became so bad that she called me from the car yesterday and said she was driving straight to the doctors with no appointment and was just going to wait until someone saw her. It turned out that he said it is most likely a strain or minor disc problem and would go away in a few days, but the pain was becoming very excruciating, so he gave some presciption pain relief.
I simply tried to be as attentive as possible without overbearing. I didn't constantly call her up at work to see how she felt just to show her I cared. But when she called me to ask me something, I made sure to ask her if she needed anything, or if there was anything I can do. When she asked me to go to drugstore on my lunch break to find some sort of heat pad or something, I didn't make a big production out of it, just called her from the store to make sure what I was getting was the right thing.
We had to meet later in the afternoon for a joint appointment with our daughter (psych), and I went into the restroom in the waiting room with her to help her put on of those Thermacare pads since she was having trouble moving her arm without pain. When we came out, she laughed at the girls in reception and the other patients int he waiting room, and said "don't get any funny ideas about what we were doing in there together!" I didn't try to jump in on it like we were some sort of funny uber-couple or anything, I just smiled and sat back down.
That night she woke up a few times in the middle of the night, crying. At one point she said that she didn't think there was anything that could be more excruciating than child birth, so it must have been pretty bad. I got up with her and made the trips downstairs to get her the drugs and Tylenol and even helped pull her sweats up and down when she had to pee. But again, I didn't make a big production out it, just tried to be helpful.
Again, I helped with a few things before I had to leave for work, and told her to call me if she needed anything. She thanked me a few times before I left, and for a moment in the bathroom as she was getting ready to go into the shower, I felt an urge to "linger" or hesitate at the door, hoping she might say "I love you" or give me a kiss, but I just looked at her, said "your welcome", "call me if you need anything" and "bye", and left.
I hope that I handled it the right way. And to be honest, it would have felt good to get that "I love you" or affectionate kiss, but I just feel pretty damn good about doing the right thing and caring and I'll leave it at that for now.
Crow Jane, Crow Jane, come 'on, I wanna know,
how you love some man, but don't love me no mo'
I wasn't beating up on you, I was giving you a strong nudge considering that you posted seeing detachment and being loving as a "catch-22", is all. If you find the workable path, it won't be a catch-22 sitch.
PaRob good to hear from you again. From reading your post the advice you are recieving is sound and you are on the right track. I think many of us has either heard
"PLEASE know that I love you so very much and I am so VERY sorry about everything, more than I can express. I want my life back. Please know I am trying to move on with all I got. I hope you can be patient and wait for me. This is where I want to be. Please know this. YOU are my life I KNOW THAT. I NEED to work out my emotions and I WILL. I LOVE YOU"
My W said this several times but the key word i missed was "PATIENCE". It is so easy to push and jump forward. Stay on course and build yourself up so when you do get back together you can be confident in the person you have become!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
In some strange way, its good to be back again?!? Actually it is a comfort to know that we are experiencing similar sitchs and that us LBS' have a support forum. I'm going to take some time this evening a make sure I've caught up on everyone's sitch and take some of the nuggets of wisdom contained therein.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Well, so far today is a down day. If I were to read my emotional fuel gauge, its probably at a 3. In many respects, it has been a trying week. W worked a lot of overtime, which basically meant that we saw each other for a total of a half hour each day. Essentially, I got a taste of what life would be like if we were separated. All in all, emotionally, I was more ambivalent than anything. Had a crying jag on Wednesday night, but then recovered nicely. Am I emotionally detached? Not even half way there. I still play off of her moods. As the week wears on, she gets more tired and less loving. A normal response for sure, but I find myself going right down the hill with her. I don't try to cheer her up, but it puts me into a serious funk.
On a more positive note, I do see some progress in detaching. At times, i have some many questions, dobuts, etc. that used to gnaw at me incessantly until I let them out usually in a battle with W. I've found that this isn't the case as much anymore. Is this detachment or just giving up? As an example, last night. W usually sends a bunch of tms from work basically just saying what she's up to, the ILY's, etc. Its a good way to for us to connect when we don't see each other during the day. In any event, last night I get one at the usual time (around 11). I respond and typically she responds within a certain time thereafter. I know, it sounds silly when I write it down. Last night she didn't. Didn't hear from her at all until well after 3, but its the process I went through before that that surprised me. Before, i would have been out of mind with questions, etc. whether she got sent home early and decided to ditch the night with OM (it's happened before), whether she just doesn't care to respond. Everything used to run through my mind and it would literally keep me up half the night. Last night, those feelings started to arise and I was able to quelch them. I told myself that I do not KNOW anything, and furthermore, even if she is doing something, what the heck was I going to do about it? Turns out, I fell asleep pretty quickly after that.
There really isn't any more to the story (it turns out that she was rather busy and had tried to send a message, but it didn't send and she did touch base with me after I had falled asleep). But I guess what surprises me the most are my reactions. I still have them, no doubt, but they are less....intense?
Again, is it emotional detachment or just resignation. I have my doubts about the former.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quote: Again, is it emotional detachment or just resignation. I have my doubts about the former.
Rob,
I think it is a little of both. My thoughts of late center around the idea of "is it DBing that is working or is it just time?" that I read on someone's thread somewhere. That is similar to your question. I think time is allowing you to heal yourself, AND the effort you are putting into detachment is helping too. Detachment for me was kinda like a switch being thrown. I found that as soon as I got the idea about it that made total sense to me (thanks NYS) it was like being blind one day and seeing the next. I will never forget what it is like to be blind, and when I close my eyes, sometimes I fear they will never open again, but most of the time I am just happy to be able to see. It really is like that for me. I don't know if that's normal. For you, you just need to realize that you are where Tim was a few months ago. Your W has said all the right things but you NEED to continue to grow and change yourself so that the old patterns don't return. If she is doing something behind your back now, you cannot dwell on that. Heal yourself. Insulate yourself by trying to find that switch in you that turns on your personal vision of your life, lets you see what YOU want, even if it's what you want in this marriage. I cry all the time still. I don't know when that will stop but I find myself crying over my own feelings of loss and loneliness rather than something my W just said or did. It was not always that way. I used to do both. Truly, I have the same questions you have all the time. You've read that in my thread. I don't know if this switch is something that once turned on, won't simply turn off again. I am afraid of that minute by minute but I am doing my best. You are facing tests. I am going to face tests. Our W's are going to try to find that switch and destroy it. That we can be sure of, whether it's out of love or hate, on purpose, or on accident. They will test our ability to be ourselves in the face of a combined history and emotional bond that is daunting in it's power. You just have to know that and be ready to face it. You can do it. You are getting stronger, so am I. Work for the goal. Be a better man, and with any luck at all, your W will be a better woman at the same, exact time.
Interesting observation related to the spouse trying to destroy that switch. I find that whenever I do become detached to a degree, she will say or do something to pull me back within in her comfort zone. Its like a cat and mouse game at times. Its strange, its like they are afraid of losing us in this process, but yet they continue to be drawn away from us at the same time.
My W has said a lot of things to me over the past couple of weeks that really have brought me back, at least to some degree, within the comfort zone. But, I have learned to look for actions, not words. I really have to move on and find a better Rob.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
It's an interesting observation I made about myself and suspect many other have done the same thing: How much we feel dependent on our WAS once discovered and how detached we were before. If fact, it was probably that detachment (but detachment without being "lovingly supportive") that got us into this predicament in the first place.
Come on guys, how many of you relished those Sunday afternoons when our wives would be out all day and the longer, the better, so we could watch Petyton Manning or Shaun Alexander in peace, or play Doom 3 in the study, or whack off to internet porn in the basement, or whatever self-gratifying waste of time we choose for ourselves. For the longest time, the most anxious I ever got was concerned over the longer she was gone, the more worried I got about how big the stack of credit card reciepts would be when she returned.
But the moment we see it slipping away, it's kind of hard to make it to even halftime without fretting about where she is, when she'll be home. It's kind of hard to enjoy any kind of moment to ourselves (which we DO deserve as long as it's not excessive and to the point of being neglectful) any more.
The knowledge alone can make the same "aloneness" that we once cherished unbearable.
"She hasn't called me yet...."
Now all of a sudden the game doesn't seem so important, and we want to do things with her, something she probably wanted for many years.
Crow Jane, Crow Jane, come 'on, I wanna know,
how you love some man, but don't love me no mo'
In reading your post, I felt that you handled your Ws illness with love and attentivenes...nothing whatsover wrong with it.
Something I read last night in Mars and Venus...that I'll share because it really shed some great light on the diffence between men and women.
Men want to fix women's emotions and women want to fix men's behaviours.
Interesting eh? Explains why men sometimes feel helpless when women cry...wanting to fix things when probably all we need is a big ole hug, smooch some validation and if we need more then we will let you know.
As for the difference between detachment and resignation over the TM from wife...perhaps a bit of both...you were resigned to the fact that it was out of control regarding what she may/may not be doing and therefore you detached. The key would be to detach in the first place so that the thought process wouldn't start...but hey it was definitely a baby step.
Okay...so Im not seeing your needs/wants here and your story...is it in a past thread? Come on...cause right now this is about you and focusing on you, right?
But the moment we see it slipping away, it's kind of hard to make it to even halftime without fretting about where she is, when she'll be home. It's kind of hard to enjoy any kind of moment to ourselves (which we DO deserve as long as it's not excessive and to the point of being neglectful) any more.
Very true and insightful. And to be honest I don't know if it's the same as who came first the chicken or the egg. I wonder many times who drifts away first. Is it the husband, preoccupied by work trying to provide a better life for his family, escaping from his life by being glued to the tv, hanging out and drinking with the boys or the wife who gets so caught up in taking care of the family, the home, perhaps even working outside the home, that she has nothing left to give at the end of the day.
Here is a copy of one of my favorite songs...Don Henley, what the lyricist!!
New York Minute
Harry got up Dressed all in black Went down to the station And he never came back They found his clothing Scattered somewhere down the track And he won’t be down on wall street In the morning
He had a home The love of a girl But men get lost sometimes As years unfold One day he crossed some line And he was too much in this world But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore
In a new york minute Everything can change In a new york minute Things can get pretty strange In a new york minute Everything can change In a new york minute
Lying here in the darkness I hear the sirens wail Somebody going to emergency Somebody’s going to jail If you find somebody to love in this world You better hand on tooth and nail The wolf is always at the door
In a new york minute Everything can change In a new york minute Things can get a little strange In a new york minute Everything can change In a new york minute
And in these days When darkness falls early And people rush home To the ones they love You better take a fool’s advice And tak care of your own One day they’re here; Next day they’re gone
I pulled my coat around my shoulders And took a walk down through the park The leaves were falling around me The groaning city in the gathering dark On some solitary rock A desperate lover left his mark, ’baby, I’ve changed. please come back.’
What the head makes cloudy The heart makes very clear The days were so much brighter In the time when she was here But I know there’s somebody somewhere Make these dark clouds disappear Until that day, I have to believe I believe, I believe
In a new york minute Everything can change In a new york minute You can get out of the rain In a new york minute Everything can change In a new york minute
