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Locked out...last post from Yoyo:

Think your WAS there is getting a little scared? I mean the D looming round the corner and you going out with a REAL guy.... MMmmmm He knows that if he doesn't somehow get his act together, it's really HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.... and you are gone forever from his life... and I think he is not ready to really let go.

As for going ahead with the D, what's the procedure? You don't want the sitch where he sees you retracting from the proceedings, and then he doesn't carry on to do the RIGHT thing...

Just my 2 cents..

Live the MOMENT


Yoyo: You don't want the sitch where he sees you retracting from the proceedings, and then he doesn't carry on to do the RIGHT thing...


I've also wondered about that. There would have to be a lot of changes from him in order for me to retract. And I don't think he will make those changes. Deep in my heart I wish he would because I still do love him and still am in love with him, but I can not go through this any longer.

Update:

H phones last night to ask if any tax papers have come to the house. H mentioned again that he would be bringing me some money on Friday. I told him that I took the Friday off and he could drop off at the house instead of my job. He asked what I was going to do on my day off. I told him this and that and my mom is having her retirement party at her job. H then tells me to tell my mom he said "Hi." This is something that is out of the blue. He has only told me once in the 15 months of our separation to tell my parents he said "Hi." H asks if he could stay a few days in the house until he gets his own place. I kind of hesitated and asked him if that's what he wants to do (I know stupid question). He said he did or he wouldn't have asked. H told me that I didn't have to allow him to stay. I rambled on that it would be okay becuase he would be able to help me out. (My head was yelling no don't let him but mouth did the opposite).

I just read a book about setting boundaries the night before. I just can't say no to H


Link to last thread:

kaydeekay moving on

KDK don't sweat it if you said yes you said yes. Just make sure you handle it well whilst he is there. Still do your own thing, he can look after himself and if he says anything about how you are acting or how you are never home, whatever just tell him that he need not worry as this is your new life and you are enjoying not having to answer to anyone else or something along those lines maybe a little nicer and keep him wondering if you are doing the right thing. Just my idea anyway catch you soon....Kim

Thanks KDU.

H is back in the home (returned on Tuesday). My feelings are really not there for him anymore. H dropped his things off Tuesday morning before I left for work. I had totally redone my bedroom (new bed and new furniture). I showed H and he was actually surprised by it. H starts kissing me and starts to initates sex. I told him that I didn't want to because I don't know who he's been with. H swore up and down he hadn't been with nobody. Anyway, ending up doing the deed. That night H washed his clothes and accidently washed his cell phone and ruined it. For some reason I decided to check his messages and there was a message from some other woman and she really wanted to reach him. I told H that I checked his messages on his cell phone and confronted H about the message (I figured what the hell, I have nothing to lose). H listen to the message and told me all about this person. H said she wasn't someone he dated or anything. He hung out with her a few times and met her 2 daughters. H said she began to creep him out because immediately she told him she loved him. H told her that she didn't even know him and that he was not ready to get into a relationship. H swore to God that nothing happened between the two of them. H said he avoids her calls and will not call her.

H then begins to tell me that the OW is no longer in the picture. He has not talked with her in a month. H told her that he didn't care what happens to her or who she sees. She can ruin somebody else's life. H said that he didn't like the person he was when he was with her but he didn't see that at the time. H told me that he cares a lot for me. I asked H why he was here (I know why because he needs temporary housing but I wanted to hear it from him) in the home and why did he have sex with me that morning. H kinda got tiffed and said "I never said we were back together." I replied, "I know, I'm the one that wants to go through with the divorce." H kinda got a hurt look on his face and said "I wanted to be with you this morning because I knew it would feel good, that's why" and he left the room.

H returned to the room and I told him that I still loved him and that I'm still a little in love with him but I needed to move on with my life and the only way is to divorce him. H didn't really say anything but sat there looking at the TV. I asked him if he understood what I meant. He said he did. I told him that I was tired of this back and forth and I couldn't do it anymore. H asked if I'm interested in anyone else right now. I told him that I wasn't (which is true) but I can not move pass the point that I'm at right now to meet someone unless I'm divorced. H said he knows that he has ruined things.

Earlier that day H told me he would give me $$$ from his tax return when it comes in. At first I agreed but after our convo I told him that I wouldn't accept it because he would need all the money he can get in order to get his own place. H was very adamant that I take the money.

H has slept with me these past 2 nights (I think it's probably of the new comfy bed I bought). This morning as he was getting dressed for work I asked him if he was tired of living out of his little bag of toiletries. He said he was and I replied "Well once you get your own place you will have your own bathroom, your own bedroom, your own living room. You will be free to do whatever you want." H didn't reply to this.

I've been voicing myself more and more about how he will need to get his own place, with no replies from him. I've also stopped doing little things for him. This morning he asked me for a few dollars and I told him that I didn't have any money (of course I did, just got paid yesterday). H just grunted because he knew I had money and that I wasn't going to give him any.

I find myself becoming more and more the person I was when I met him. I was much more independent and really didn't give a sh!t if he and I hooked up; this made him pursue me more.

Hello KDK - Just want to drop by and check how you are doing... Looks like you are doing fine and your H is also trying to get back into your good books. Seems to me like he is trying but not really knowing how, or is refraining from outright telling you that he wants to come back into your life. I think it has a lot to do with LOSING FACE. Think men have this massive ego thingy that it is MEGA difficult to apologise and admit that they have f#*ked up badly and want to be back in. It's their ego that prevents this from happening and it's up to us to give a little for them to SAVE some face (Advice from men friends/mentor).

I don't know, but looks like you guys really need to talk it out. Perhaps with a mediator/ counsellor present.

Just my 2 cents...

Live the MOMENT...

Hello Yoyo~ I agree a little with what you said: from outright telling you that he wants to come back into your life ; however, I'm treading really lightly now.

Last night he shown a few positive things:

a) Called to let me know he was going to be late from work
b) Called a little later to let me know he was still at work
c) Came home and wanted to just chit-chat with me (usually would avoid me)
d) Went to the store late at night for me
e) Initiates ML
f) Holds and cuddles me during the night
g) Has told me thank you's when I did something for him (in the past would only see it as doing my job for him)

So a few baby steps but I'm keeping it in my head that this could only be temporary. This time last year if he were to do some of the things listed I would have been doing backflips, but what one year of this back and forth can do to a person

Wow! That's quite a list of positives! I enjoy reading things like this; it gives me hope.

Did your H. move out and then move back? If so, how long was he gone? I am sorry I am not more updated on your situation.

But, good for you and your H.!!! You are doing great by keeping your expectations to a minimum. Best to protect your heart right now until you're sure.

I wish you much love and happiness.

Hi Hopefloats!

Did your H. move out and then move back? If so, how long was he gone?

Boy did he ever. I'll list it for you:

1) Left 10/22/04 - returned 11/29/04
2) Left 12/10/04 (at my request) - returned 1/31/05
3) Left 2/15/05 (dropped bomb about A) - returned 4/20/05
4) Left 5/7/05 (at my request) - returned 5/24/05
5) Left 7/6/05 H asked for D - H filed D papers 7/18/05
6) Returned 9/11/05 after H and OW had major blow up.

H has been, I rather should say his things, have been in my home since 9/11. He has been saying that we are not together and that he is only in the home to help me out. I think this is a way for him to have the security of a home/wife and yet he could live a life of a single man.

Sunday night after the superbowl game (Yeah Steelers!) things were good. H and I met up at a bar. H asked the number of my friend and I asked him why? (Well earlier that day I had texted H if he was going to move out by the end of the week because my friend needs a place to stay; which she doesn't but I wanted him out becuase H was only to be staying with me temporarily until he found his own place). H replied to my question "Why? Do think I'm going to hook up with her?" I gave him this go to hell look and asked him what was he talking about. Then he boasts (of course he is drunk too) that he has been other women since we separated. Of course I tore into him and told him what a lousy person he was, a terrible father, a terrible H, blah, blah, blah. And then, as H was sitting in a bar stool I shoved him and he fell backwards. I walked out and he starts following me and yelling at me. My sister and two other friends of hers (males) came out to see what was going on. My sister took me home and H was already there. H and I started arguing again and it go a little physical - not too bad. H leaves and we continue to argue on the phone. I ended up throwing all of his clothes out in the middle of the garage floor.

I had already taken Monday as a day off. H tries to call me several times but I wouldn't answer the phone. So today (Tuesday) H calls me at work and begins to tell me that he had replied to my text message on Sunday, which I didn't recieve. I asked him what it had said. H first off tells me that he is sorry for our little altercation. H feels that he has hit rock bottom. He said the days that he was sleeping me with felt good and it felt like it used to feel like between us. H felt like he had his family again. He wants to be the best H ever. H wants only me. I told H that he would have to prove a lot in order for me to trust him again. He said that he knows that.

So that's where I'm at today. I don't know if he can change into a better person or not. To me, it feels as though he is trying to manipulate me into letting him back into the home because he doesn't have a place to live.

KDK - It is hard to tell when they are serious and when they have an ulterior motive isn't it. Maybe see how things go between you without him moving back in. You did say you threw him out again didn't you.

If so I would say to H that you are prepared to see him but not have him move in and see how you both go spending time together, where you have to make arrangements to see each other. He can stay the night occasionally but just not move back in.

This way it gives you your space to work out how it is going. This is just my suggestion but I would imagine it is hard with them living there. Also that might help you to ascertain whether he is after you or a place to stay. If he is serious about making it up to you he will take those steps and see what happens.

Goodluck as I am no expert as I am still piecing my R with H and I don't know if it will work or not yet so I can't say too much.....Kim

Kim:

If he is serious about making it up to you he will take those steps and see what happens.
I agree. H has been calling me this past week. Telling me those few days he spent with me and slept with me made him want to work on our M. H tells me that he misses me. H also told me that he is tired of living the "new" life and wants to go back to the way we were. H stated: "Do you remember how I was when you first fell in love with me? Well that's what I'm now becoming." H said he has the feelings for me again, and yet he hasn't said I love you.

What H has been telling me are all of the things I wanted to hear from him in the past. And now that we've come to the point where I'm making the decision to work on our M or not I'm feeling kinda skeptical as to what H is telling me. Some of the things he has told me in the past and some of things he has told are new, i.e. I miss you, I like waking up to you in the morning. I'm taking my time making up my mind as to what I want becasue I want to make sure I make the right decision and H is rushing me (now I know how he felt).

H reminds me of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. I've heard I want to work on us/marriage so many times and I don't know if he is being 100% true this time.

KDK,

I appreciate you typing out the timeframe like you did. So now I can see, this obviously takes a lot of time. You've been at this for years, literally.
This only drives home the point all the more: patience. My H. has only been moved out 6 months, so it's most likely too soon to expect him to have worked through any issues and be in the mindset to come back. I admire you greatly for dealing with this for so long!
Your H. obviously wants a chance. I really hope you can work things out. I'll keep checking back!