Here's my brief update for today, before i leave work to go to the doctor...
H called about a half hour ago...just chatted a bit. He told me he had a horrible night last night...couldn't sleep. I asked him why he didn't call me...he said he didn't want to upset me anymore than i already was. I told him that i appreciated that, but that if he was struggling with something, then i wanted to be there for him, so he wouldn't have to deal with it alone. I told him i appreciated him trying to protect me, but that i thought it was okay for us to be able to comfort each other. We talked about some other stuff. Then he proceeded to tell me how the first open house will be on February 26th (that was quick) and how he doesn't want the cats there and what are we going to do, etc. He quickly got off the phone. He called back a few minutes later to tell me that he had noticed that there was no date on our interspousal agreement and asked if i remembered when it was signed. I told him when we signed it and asked him if it mattered if there was a date on it...he said he didn't know. That was it, basically. I don't remember exactly what the agreement says (i haven't read it since November), but i think it says that at the time of the agreement we had been separated for a year. So, maybe he wants that documentation for when he files for D...if he does it in May, then there is proof that we have been separated for 18 months. Of course, i could just be reading more into it...i don't know.
How do you ever get over the pain and the sense of loss? I don't think i can do it. And why does he send me such mixed messages? Yes, i know he has to back up his words with actions, and sometimes his actions are just as confusing. Like, when we see each other, he will initiate a hug and a kiss hello, as well as a hug and a kiss goodbye. God, i hate this...i honestly don't think i will get through this.
I am NOT making light of this, but if I had to count the number of times people (me included of course) ended a post like this on page 2 of a 10 page thread... Point is honey, you WILL get through this. So far you have gotten through it and at times, even well. This is just a tough time and it requires you to BE tough, something some of us don't do all that well at times. I wish I could do something for you besides recite the same ole' mantras, but they apply so wth. Please try to find something positive right now and concentrate on it. Smile a little bit and maybe look at yourself naked. It makes us men happy to do that (um, to look at women...er...not ourselves...) so maybe it will work for you too...just trying to cheer you up... You're going to be fine, I really have faith in that.
You're kinda similar to Hopefloats in how you're dependent on H for your moods, it seems to me. I'm not knocking you by saying that, you two just seem to share commonalities that lots of LBSs go through. So I think a lot of the same advice applies.
You asking H why he didn't call you in the middle of the night - because you want to demonstrate to him how you're there for him - is pressure, sweetie. Drop the rope. You can be lovingly supportive without having to stand behind him showing him you're ready to catch him should he fall.
The pain and sense of loss can dissipate in time, and you can get over it, once you recognize that it's YOU who's giving it to yourself, and once you make the decision to stop giving yourself misery - and maintaining that decision. Life has loss as part of it, sadly. Some losses, we can get back. Start with getting yourself back first
Why he sends you mixed messages... probably because he can't fully commit to letting you go. Don't read much into that statement of mine if you're looking for morsels of hope. Just accept it for what it is.
And you will get through this, because you have to for self-survival or be crippled. Up to now, you've been getting through this, but in a rough way. Sooner or later, you may say to yourself, "There's gotta be a better way to get through this!" (that's why you're here, so we know you're looking for that better way), and that's when you may more conscientiously put this all to work for you.
Thanks GH- You are right...i can remember back in December, after i had a particularly emotional talk with H, that i had really screwed up. I felt emotionally raw and just really bad. But, then things picked up a bit with us and i felt a little better. I guess in my head i know that i will get through this...its my heart that's another matter. Its my own fault...i kept thinking that this wasn't going to really happen...i just set myself up. But, i do think that my H sent me mixed messages (what do you think? you're a guy) and even said that he wasn't 100% committed to the D. Maybe i just need to try to separate the house from the M. Its scary to think that that will no longer be my home...
Anyway, i appreciate your feedback...and i did laugh at your suggestion to look at myself naked...that might give me a good laugh.
Thanks NYS- I know that i am like hope in regards to my moods being dependent on my H and our interactions. Trust me, i try to stop it..guess i have to try harder.
I hear what you are saying about pressuring him with the offer to call me...its just that me not being there for him emotionally was such an issue in our M...i guess i was just trying to show him that this has changed. Yes, i know...show him with my actions and stop trying to convince him...and i do show him with my actions by being there for him when he does reach out to me.
I know i am causing my own pain, b/c i am attaching my own meanings to his actions. I remind myself of that all the time...
I do steal your advice to hope as well, b/c i do think it applies to my sitch also.
Please women, and maybe guys, don't kill me for this but I think it needs to be said. Men want sex. Men want sex from multiple people sometimes. If a man can get sex from a woman, he usually will if it won't screw up his life too much, and even if it will most of the time. Woman seem to be a bit different and there are deeper feelings associated with the sex. There is no universal of course but when I read your thread and a few others where the WAH still ML with their W, the first thing that jumps into my mind is "well, duh." Sorry if that's blunt. I know a couple times in my life I have GF that left me, or we broke up, and even though I had NO interest in getting back with them, I still slept with them one or two more times.
I cannot account for your H's initiating kissed and such. That seems to point to a mixed message because I think kissing and non-sexual intimacy is a crap-shoot in terms of what it means to each spouse.
So what I mean is that it is very possible for a man, maybe even your H, to ML/have sex and not feel it leads anywhere. You know that, but I thought it may be helpful to hear from a man who actually places a great deal of importance on the intimacy of ML yet still managed to have some meaningless sex with people who used to matter to me...
Having a very hard time tonight...i just don't know what to do, where to go from here. Believe me, i am trying to do some positive self-talk (i.e. i will get through this, etc.). But, i am not being very successful. I just feel very empty. I will admit that i am focusing too much on my house going up for sale. I guess it is making me feel like i will be homeless. Once it is gone, there will be no opportunity for my H and i to "run into each other." We will have no financial ties to each other anymore, no real reason to remain in contact. I guess i am just sensing that the end is near and i am frightened. I don't remember ever feeling so lonely in my whole life, and it is horrible. B/c i never thought i would ever feel this way.
I keep thinking about what i am supposed to do with pictures of us, things from our wedding, my engagement and wedding bands. I can't even look at those. God, this is horrible. Yes, i am feeling sorry for myself. And i am causing myself all of this pain. I just don't know how to stop thinking about it. It is all consuming. Yes, if i GAL, then it won't be. But, damnit, i don't have the energy or desire to GAL. I just wish this hollow, empty feeling would go away. This is so bad for me. I'm really struggling. And i just wish it could stop.
I am so sorry for how you feel. You know, I don't mean to make it worse by talking about it, but your house is "home base" for you and your husband, so I certainly understand why selling it is causing you so much pain. I know it's easy for everybody to say things about not tying it into the end of the marriage, but your feelings and emotions say otherwise, and that is OK. You go ahead and feel it, and you will get through it. Just know that things could still change; it isn't sold yet, ok? It isn't over till it's over, as they say. Don't worry about things like pictures and wedding albums, etc. Put all of that out of your mind right now. That is not a concern tonight. All you need now is a nice soothing hot drink and a warm blanket and a good movie or book. Keep it simple and don't pressure yourself.
Now, when you feel a little bit stronger, I want you to think about yourself eventually getting a very cute apartment of your very own, and imagine how fun it would be to decorate it, set it up, make it yours. Allow yourself to go room to room and have fun. I have done this, Imdi, and it helps me to visualize what it might be like if I have to sell our house and get an apt. It isn't so bad! In fact, I already know how I'd arrange my bedroom! lol! It's just a way to slowly face a possible reality without overwhelming myself. A little mental exercise for when you are ready; but not right now.
Sending you big hugs as always. It has to get better for us.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
