Just feeling very sad tonight...i don't know why, nothing happened. Maybe i am starting to realize that there really is no hope for me and my H...i don't know. What i do know is that i am incredibly sad and lonely and just miss my H so much. And i wish, with all my heart, that everything i have learned over the past few months, i had learned years ago...b/c maybe i wouldn't be here now. I wish i had the chance to show my H how good things could be...but, i don't think i ever will. And that is sad...
Reading so many posts here, i have realized how many similarities there are. Yes, there are plenty of differences. But, it seems like so many stories here have a lot of the same underlying issues. Which makes me wonder...are these things unique to us? Or is it just our S's that are unable to deal with the issues? I don't know if i am making sense. Its hard for me to explain. But, i find myself saying a lot "wow, that sounds like me/my H/our sitch." And it makes me think...are these just things that every couple faces. And if so, then what makes them think that it will be any different with their OP's? I don't know. If just seems to me, that a lot of these situations have more to do with how the WAS's deal with the issues, as opposed to the issues being unique to a particular sitch. Does that make sense? Probably not, b/c i feel like i am just rambling or babbling or whatever.
What i am feeling tonight besides sad is angry...i'm angry that my H has walked away from me and us. I feel let down or something...like my feet have just been knocked out from under me. I am not denying my part in the breakdown of our M...but, come on, no R is perfect...everybody has issues. What happened to "til death do us part?" I just don't understand how someone can just walkaway, to somebody else, especially, when they vowed to be faithful and to love forever. I guess, in my case, forever got a lot shorter.
are these things unique to us? Or is it just our S's that are unable to deal with the issues? I don't know if i am making sense. Its hard for me to explain. But, i find myself saying a lot "wow, that sounds like me/my H/our sitch." And it makes me think...are these just things that every couple faces. And if so, then what makes them think that it will be any different with their OP's?
Imdi, You're making total sense. I often do the same thing, read posts and relate so well to what's being said. I think a lot of R's face similar challenges. Obviously, there are many spouses who aren't emotionally up to facing them. Then what do you have? A board like this full of LBS's who are trying to save marriages.
I can't see how things will be better with the o.p. Initially they seem to be, because as we all know from DB'ing 101 that the beginning of the R. is the addictive phase that runs on that "high" feeling. Let some reality into that after several months, and I think the high fades a little bit...and then a little bit more...and so on. At least I think so. I don't know if my H. still feels the high with o.w. He does not share any of that with me like he used to. (and for those of you joining us late, yes, my H. used to talk to me openly about his R. with o.w. and treated me like his close friend). Does your H. tell you how he feels about o.w., Imdi? Just wondering.
I am so sorry you are sad tonight. We both are. I wish there were something to ease the pain of this; I guess only more time will help us. But always remember I'm feeling the exact same way, so you're never alone, ok? Just want you to know that.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: What happened to "til death do us part?" I just don't understand how someone can just walkaway, to somebody else, especially, when they vowed to be faithful and to love forever. I guess, in my case, forever got a lot shorter.
I know. It's unreal. The ass just said he was doing what he thought he was SUPPOSED TO DO. You know, because you're SUPPOSED to marry someone you're not in love with. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Quote: And it makes me think...are these just things that every couple faces. And if so, then what makes them think that it will be any different with their OP's?
I think that people like our WASs are a different breed. In my case, the ass has never really had to work hard to get anything. He grew up, he was given things, he lived at home for a long time, then there was me... i took care of him. He doesn't know how to deal with things when they get tough or when he has to make an effort, so he just doesn't make an effort. It's like their ability to deal with things when they're not sunny and rosey is broken... I'm prattling... I just think that they spend a lot of time thinking about what they think the want and what they think the deserve and they don't realize that everyone has to work to get those things... they're not just handed over on a silver platter, or in a tight pair of jeans and a hippie shirt. sorry. just saying is all. every relationship requires work. our WASs just aren't willing to put it in.
OK. i'm talking nonsense... i'll try again tomorrow.
I so know how you feel--I'm so sorry you're passing through this awful phase--it really does hurt, and I think I can perfectly relate to your unbelief of how your spouse has tossed away all the promises and vows. I don't know how anyone can prepare themself for that kind of rejection, that kind of loss, or that kind of betrayal. My sincere empathay,
Quote: What happened to "til death do us part?" I just don't understand how someone can just walkaway, to somebody else, especially, when they vowed to be faithful and to love forever.
Ditto.
Have you ever seen the movie "The Story About Us"? This couple is on the verge of divorce, and at the end of the film, they decide to stay together. And the biggest reason given is because they have such a legacy together, and they can't bear the thought of leaving that all behind. And that's how I feel, completely. How these people can take such profound vows and then live as if keeping them means nothing, is beyond me. What a cruel thing to do to another person (and in our case, children, too). My W has acted like leaving our M is as morally neutral as leaving a job one doesn't like. What's scary is, I've known her for eight years and had no idea this would ever enter her mind as an option. It really shakes my confidence in my ability to know somoene.
my sitch:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showthreaded.php?Number=1062755
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showthreaded.php?Number=1065085
Morning hope- Glad i made sense last night...i wasn't sure that i did. The whole thing just does not make sense to me. Whatever.
My H doesn't talk to me about ow b/c he still denies there is an ow. I wish he would just tell me...i think it would make things easier, in some respects...then he could stop lying at least.
I'm sorry that you were sad last night too, but it does help to know that i'm not alone...thanks for your support.
Hey TTS- When i was reading what you wrote about your WAH, i thought, "gee that sounds a lot like me." I will admit, although i am not proud of it, that i never worked at my M, b/c i didn't realize that M took work. Yes, stupid, i know. But, i never had to work for anything in my life...unfortunately, i continued that trend. It took some time and soul-searching to realize it, but i did. And i've tried to explain it to my H...i just don't know if he doesn't care or doesn't believe me when i say that things will be better. I know that i made plenty of mistakes, but i've learned from them. Isn't that part of a marriage? I just wish it wasn't so easy for him to walk-away....i'm not a pair of damn shoes that he can return for god sakes!
Mike- I never saw that movie...perhaps i will rent it tonight...give me something to do on another exciting Friday night (note the sarcasm). But, thats how i feel...that my H and I have all of this history...how can he just throw it away. I do use that to my advantage when i am with him...bringing things up, that only make sense to him and I, so that he will remember the good things. I don't know if it works.
Thank you for your response. Sorry to find you here.
I was thinking this morning about how these WAS's think life will be better with their OP's and how that doesn't make sense to me. Then, i realized something. In my case, it could be true. My H was married when we met (yes, i was the ow...not proud of it...guess thats why its happening to me now)...he left her to be with me b/c it was better with me. So, why shouldn't he think the same thing of this new girl? He had a positive experience once before. History is just repeating itself. Now, it makes sense to me.
The one thing i havne't overwhelmingly felt was anger. Yeah, i would get mad, but it wouldn't last. But, i gotta tell ya, today, i am feeling pretty pissed off. I am angry at my H for doing this. Yes, i am half responsible. But, i am also not running away, into the arms of someone else. I'm angry that he can just throw it away...didn't our vows mean anything to him? God, i am just so mad. And i want to tell him too. I know i shouldn't, but i just want to ask him what the f@^& is wrong with him.
