Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Unique Situation...hardley...sad...part 3

I have another question for you. I have asked this in some form or another as part of longer posts, but I want some opinions, or some commiseration.
Right now, in my R there is really not much positive going on. Let me explain.
Financially, like many people, we are tapped after Christmas. The bills are just barely getting paid (BTW, that is on us, poor planning), there is no expendable income, etc. Also, the kids are at the ages (well, really when aren't they) when they both are a handfull and their behavior is causing some stress, especially our S3.
What I am getting at is that I worry about how attractive our life, never-mind me, would be to someone. Take for example an alien who may be thinking of landing her spaceship and exploring the environment for inhabitability.
She has her home world, full of beauty and wonder, with care and love abound. She is not sure if her world will be destroyed by that asteroid hurtling through space toward it, but as she explores this new world, she's not sure at all that living with the possibility of destruction by asteroid is worse than living under this new world's conditions.
Forgive the terrible, corny analogy, but I wonder what, if any, effect our overall home-life situation plays in all this.
Is this a factor for any of you? Are your financial situations, kids, and the like ok other than your WAS doing what they're doing or are there other factors that could be contributing to them feeling dissatisfied?

GH

I have to tell you GH, that pretty much sums up my sitch right now. Financially, we are really bad...the kids are always a handful, no matter what. I mean they are older, but its always something to do you know.

The fact is, you both chose this life. Both my W and I contributed to the financial sitch, we both had the girls. I mean when I went alien, none of the mattered...it wasn't about that at all.

Thanks Rob. I suppose you are the one to answer that because of your dual citizenship on planet reality and planet fake bliss. lol.
So, you are saying that it wasn't even about the negatives of your home-life, it was more about the positives of the OW? You're saying that those things did not factor because you just didn't think about them when you were in the "fog"?
I see my W acting tired all the time. She doesn't spend as much time with the boys and when she does, she seems strained. I have been perceiving that as a combined reaction to the stress/A and the difficulty of our life right now. You are saying that it may be ALL attributed the the A and not necessarily a factor in her decision to stay or go?
I don't think there is much I can do, but it kills me when I am doing my best DB thing and things are going great, then a stack of bills arrives, or the kids decide to have one of their "days" and the negatives of our life out-shadow anything I could do. Yes, yes, yes, I am making the changes for my own good, but as usual, I am honest in expressing the hope that they will have some positive effect on my M.

GH

Honestly GH, for me, the fog had swept in and I just wasn't seeing those things. I mean it really was about the A, sure the way things were going at home did weigh on my mind to some degree, it wasn't like it wasn't there. But, the fact is I did come back to it, for better or for worse you know.

GH,

I can't believe it doesn't have a huge impact on our aliens. Hell I wish I could run away and escape reality too. Money is one of the biggest causes of stress in a M. I've always had to be the grownup in our M and when I got depressed and my H needed me I guess he just couldn't handle it.

Sometimes I feel like he's just desperately trying to find someone, anyone to replace me and run away.

Here's another cheesy analogy for you. It's like our spouses are the Grinch. They still have good/love in them. It's just been so long that the love is buried deep within. But that doesn't mean it isn't still there.

So a long answer to your question. Yes, I think the stresses at home are a MAJOR reason our spouses run away.


SuperStressed

So a long answer to your question. Yes, I think the stresses at home are a MAJOR reason our spouses run away.

So, to extrapolate, they would then be a preventing factor in their return?
If so, then my fears are justified that no matter what I do for me, and what changes I may make that would impact her positively, the negative aspects of our life in general may keep her at bay.
Like I said, it just adds to the pain I feel when things that are relatively out of my control overshadow things that otherwise would be noticed. I try so hard to improve the financial situation, and it is getting better but it may be too late. Also, I try to get the kids under control but as is the case with most kids and people for that matter, they have a mind of their own and seem to act up at the worst possible times. Kids will be kids I guess.

GH

I don't necessarily agree with that. Our lives weren't completely stressed before this incident arose. And also, there are plenty of M's out there where things are peachy and the next thing you know, wham! There's a WAS.

Not to start a hijack but if things were peachy there would probably be no WAS. Even though I was shocked when my H wanted to leave I was under no illusions that things were great or even good.

Maybe for some people here they thought they were happy but they had no idea their WAS was in so much turmoil. That to me is still not peachy.

Anyway, I suppose you have an interesting perspective in this as you have been on both sides of the crazy fence.

SuperStressed

All,

Today, like a lot of Thursdays, my anxiety is beginning to build. For no real reason, I am just feeling anxious, shaky, cold, etc. Would meds help this? I have never even considered it before but I think I may be in need. What are your opinions?

GH

I wish I had some. Thursdays are my worst days anymore...always seems like something bad happens in my sitch on a Thursday. Today, I caught W on the phone with OM.....remember the guy she was supposed to give up? Yeah, turns out they've had seem serious chat time in the past week.
I need a spine. I was so livid, I was ready to just quit. But then what does that leave me? I asked, does she want this M? Yes. Does she love me? Yes. So WTF?
Sorry GH, no hijack intended...

Meds for the anxiety would probably help to some degree...I've actually thought of it myself.