Fantastic news GH! I can of course only echo the others comments here, but enjoy yourself, take it at face value and do not make us strip the new title away from you and knock you back down to lowly TMU instead of sage GH
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I am going to try to stay the course as this trip approaches. Right now it is very tentative. We have no tickets or place to stay but I have requested the time off and cleared my shoot schedule so I CAN go. I have to admit that I have a little apprehension building already. It is a daunting thing to contemplate traveling that far, for that long, with someone you may not even be married to three weeks later. I know that is awful thinking. One thing that shook me a little was tonight she said she really didn't want to go to Ireland and it was only because her sister and BIL were going that we were too. She would rather go somewhere else this time, or maybe even alone (WTF!) later in the year... Alone me arse! Anyway, I will let that little slip slide and try to get back on the positive train.
Journaling:
Tonight has been ok. It is S3's birthday today but his party is on Saturday so we just opened a few presents and went out to dinner. My W was on edge all afternoon and evening. She still is now. She's not being rude or anything, just VERY distant, more so than in the past week or so. We have talked VERY little tonight and I am upstairs cleaning a bit before I turn in. Her mood, although I am detaching, has affected me. It is so different from the lighter place she seemed to be in the past few days. I did not let it show that it affected me though and powered through the evening with S5 & S3. One more thing that has gotten to me a bit lately is that she is wearing a ring on her right hand that I do not recognize. Her mother buys/gives her jewelry all the time and that's where she says it came from but it doesn't look like her style at all. I asked about it a few days ago but let it drop since then. Of course, I am thinking it came from somewhere else... Oh well, you can detach the heart but the damn brain keeps on a diggin, eh? Tomorrow is another day...
My first thought reading your post is the old distancer/pursuer...Have you read MakeUp Not BreakUp. It really covers the whole distancer/pursuer in relationships. Why they do this (stems back from childhood). It sounds like she got very close to you today, a little too close for her comfort level and then had to back off to protect herself. Generally we think of men as distancers but believe it or not, we women can do it too (cough, cough). I think you did well by just letting her be. That is the best way you can handle it, then just be forgiving when she comes back around.
Actually I think you detach with the brain and the heart follows. Detaching from your mind is what helps to keep the rollercoaster less of a wild ride. There is also an excellent book called Feeling Good by David Burns that actually walks you through gaining control of your emotions. When you feel yourself attaching again, go back and read the post that NYS gave you. Perhaps even print it out and keep it accessible. It does help. I used to have stickies by my computer to help keep me focused. Trust me it does get easier.
Don't read into anything about the jewelry...remember she's on a journey...what may have been her style yesterday, may not be her style now and it might not be tomorrow. Take her at her word until proven otherwise. Is it worth spiriling trying to figure out where it came from? I didn't think so. My taste in jewelry honestly has changed through the years. Used to love sapphires...well now they remind me of Dave and so it's time for something else...anyone wanna buy a sapphire necklace...or trade for something different? LOL...
Ok, girls get your whips, guys get ready to b@#$h slap me.
Something that's bothering me, and I know it shouldn't, is that my W, in the bomb speech said that I have always been a great friend. I know that's probably true, even from her perspective. She just said that she had problems with us as lovers because she just didn't feel that way anymore. SO, here comes captain DB, swooping in to be the best friend a WAW ever had. One problem, friendship was never the problem, it was romantic love. I am stuck thinking that all this DBing is really just proving to her that I can be the greatest friend a woman could ever have, even sticking by her while she does another man. WHAT A GREAT GUY! So, am I wrong to think that my DBing, detaching and all the rest could backfire on me? I AM doing things that probably make me more attractive. I have lost a ton of weight and have kept it off. My eating habits are much healthier. I work out more. I have grown back my goatee that I have for the first 6 years she knew me. My hair that used to be long (cut it about 4 years ago) is now short and I wear it in messy spikes (started that about 2 weeks ago). I am also never caught dressing like a slop. I didn't do it much before but now I am dressed well all the time, and most of the time much better than before. I am getting a LOT of compliments from women I work with. Some notice what I have done, the others just tell me I am looking good. It feels great, but the one woman I want to notice seems less interested than ever. Anyway, my change in appearance and attitude is indeed personal and for me, but it sure would help if my W would give me any sign that she notices. She is not flirty at all. Maybe it's the OM factor. Who knows. So there you have it. Please tell me why I am way off base with this and slap me back into the temple to pick up that burning hot pot with my forearms (for you youngsters, nevermind)...
I had the whip ready the minute I heard you cut off your hair!! Tisk, tisk tisk...but okay...you grew a goatee...we'll let you slide this time.
WAS say all kinds of stuff when they are in an A. Things to help them convince themselves that they making the right decision and to ease the guilt.
Unless she was a mailorder bride from the UK, trust me GH, there was physical attraction and romantic love. But probably life got in the way somewhere. When I say life, I mean the day to day stuff, work, family, responsibility. Believe it or not, sometimes life does get in the way of Ms. Imagine that...that's why it is so important to never forgoe the love of your spouse. Make them and your relationship a priority. You take the time out, dates, hobbies, private time, vacations, etc. To keep the flame alive.
If you let life get in the way, the romance can die.
Right now, yes the om is in the picture...so you may not be getting her full attention...but you don't know what she's thinking or feeling about you...even if she says she's not romantically interested. It sounds to me that despite chopping all your hair off, you are taking excellent care of yourself.
Tells us more about when you had romance in your life...what did you do for her and what did she do for you? Did you read the chapter about when things were good in the R? Spend some time with that chapter and make some notes about that. Were you spending more time together, did you share a hobby, did you go on dates? Think back to those times.
We used to go out all the time. We went to movies usually twice a week. We went to see bands on the weekends or just to a club to listen to some music. We would go to cultural events, plays, etc. We were always on the go. Even at home, we watched TV together and rented movies all the time. In the last 5 years, we have been out maybe 10 times, and most of those was to a movie and straight back with one of our parents baby-sitting. It is not hard AT ALL for me to see what has happened to our marriage but somewhere along the way it went from "It's ok, we'll find a baby-sitter" to "Well, we COULD get a baby-sitter but it cost so much we may as well stay home" to never really even mentioning it. Really, I noticed what had happened a long time ago, at least 2 years, and I have suggested that we go out more but she really convinced me that it was not something she really wanted to do anymore. Damn, was I stupid! So now she claims to have no interest, at least with me. I would love to go on a date with her but it takes two to date and right now my offers are not being accepted. I even have a free baby-sitter lined up and still no-go. I will wait it out. I guess it's possible she notices but with Mr. Universe on the side, Mr. Wonderful Friend Guy pales in comparison. Yea, yea, I know, I am not in competition but I know what I saw that time I caught a glimpse. If she likes that kind of thing (lots of muscles on a tall, handsome man) then she ain't coming back here for romance anytime soon. I may as well start my steroid use now...I guess I can hope for one of those putrid personalities...
Quote: . I am stuck thinking that all this DBing is really just proving to her that I can be the greatest friend a woman could ever have, even sticking by her while she does another man. WHAT A GREAT GUY!
Cricket I use to think the same way, and then one day I realized that I had to be the best person I could be. The person that I found again was the man who had a big heart and could be friends with just about anyone. I also realized that my W and I would always have the bond of the kids and it would be alot easier being good friends than enemies. Yeah I struggle with that today....that standing by being a good friend and person while my W goes out and does who knows what with OM! The thing I realized and you helped me Cricket (sorry Grasshopper) is that you have to detatch and be the person you want to be and let your W make the decisions she wants and live with the consequences!
PS Maybe I am in Florida instead of the "Great White North"
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Hmmm...wondering what happened here? I know from experience that sometimes we women just tend to go along with things instead of saying how we feel. Were these your suggestions to do things, her suggestions, mutual suggestions? For those of you who saw Desperate Housewives last Sunday night, you saw a perfect example of the GF who constantly gave in to BF and then poof decided she'd given up enough sacrificing...some of us never do that. We just stay quiet to keep peace.
Thinking back to my R with Dave, initially when we met, I took him everywhere on my trips, NYC, LA, and then slowly we only started to go away to visit his family in FL. I knew it was important for him to see his family and I loved them dearly...but looking back, I sacrificed a great deal of myself there. Putting my needs and wants way behind his. It should have been a 50/50. I haven't been HOME in over 5yrs now.
It's also quite possible that she felt (perhaps you too) extreme guilt for leaving the kids behind because looking at your time frame it seems that it was after the kids came into the picture. It's natural to want to put our children first and in many ways we should. However, if you think about it...by failing to keep the flame alive, the marriage strong, you are really creating a greater distance between the parents, and the end result can be As or a D...and now what happens to the children? Split homes. So what's better, to me it is to keep the marriage a priority...by doing this you are actually creating a great future foundation for your children.
But that's neither here nor there right now. I'm not all that convinced that she never felt romantic towards you. Its quite possible to bring those feelings back too. You've got a good head on your shoulders my friend. You will be having a date, a getaway to the UK. Will the children be going or is there anyone that can watch them for you?
And honey, looks aren't everything. Don't allow yourself to get caught up in the competition with om, he's not worth it. This is between you and her, he's just as they say on here, the bandaid to the underlying problem that you are currently having. From all that I have read here I don't see that you have the typical issues, it just seems that life got in the way.
