Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Unique Situation...hardley...sad...part 3

So, I was driving home, thinking about the question Lisa asked me about my anger. I was just making sure that what I wrote was true, that I really did not express my anger any other way. As I was thinking about this, all of a sudden I realized something.

Well at least I am good for something...got you thinking...funny how that works sometimes. I am glad it opened things up for you my friend.

You have seen a pattern. That is EXCELLENT...that was one of the first things I did was to step back and see the pattern.

They say that you select your mates based on unresolved issues from your childhood. So now stop and think, do you think that your issues would be with your mother or your father. Dig deep, because apparently it took me 42yrs to figure out it was my mother all these years. My father and I had an excellent relationship. But because he died shortly before my graduation I thought my issues were with him. They weren't...it was dear mom who currently lives with me. She's always been there for me, but not in loving motherly way. Never any words of love, encouragement, praise. I was always taught to be strong and independent. But to never feel or expect love. There's more but this is your thread.

So now stop and think about it. Look at your past Rs and see where you think they could be fitting in all this.

Another interesting thought to share...my exH had a wonderful GF that is now one of my dearest friends. She's been in therapy 3yrs over the SOB. At one point she told me something very interesting that her therapist shared with her. Women with low-self esteem issues, often will not make very healthy selections in mates. It gives them the opportunity to try and fix him, change him, turn him into someone...then they can stand back and relish in the glory saying See What I've done...I helped this man become something...he would never have done this without me by his side. She feels the increase in her self-esteem because of what she feels she has done for him. Or, and this one is more interesting...if she picks someone and he is let's say a real loser, an alcoholic, a bum, abuser (emotionally or physically) she can get her glory by claiming martyrship...you know the phrase, poor poor pitiful me? Look at my life...look at my H, see how he treats me and she receives sympathy from everyone in her life...forever the victim.

Now I've not read up on any of this parental influence stuff...if anyone has info or book suggestions, send them my way because I think that there is something there. I am a CA but it's not ever been because of a man in my life, it's been because of my R with my mother...and as my friend said, it's going to take a strong, patient and loving man to help me through this, as well as therapy...to help me stand up for myself.

So that's food for thought...I think you've hit something GH...now look back into your R with your parents, do you see anything there?

As Hope asked, what do you think the attraction is for these women? Do you think perhaps you have low self-esteem (I don't see it in you, but then again, no one ever sees it in me either). Do you not feel worthy of a normal (and what the hell is normal anyway?) R? You've obviously done something well, you've created several strong women through the years...what are your needs in an R? Have you ever thought about it? Has any ONE of them ever met them?

Okay, over and out, til I get to NY...you behave...I am thrilled to see you open this door. Damn you are lightyears ahead of me here...

Take care!!

Hope,

Sure. That's easy, they need me, and it gives me purpose. If you read through my threads, at some point I discovered in counseling that I have always lived my life for others. From childhood I have relied on my ability to please others to keep them in my life (or so I thought). As an only child to parents who were less than affectionate, I guess I felt alone at home so I desperately needed to be liked/loved. Funny thing is I have never succumbed to peer pressure of any kind so at least I picked my codependent friends well.
So, now in adulthood, I meet a woman who needs someone to care for her and it doesn't get any easier than that for feeling wanted/needed. All I had to do was be sensitive, something that I'm good at, and they would love me. I didn't really have to be a real person, just a person willing and able to take care of their intense needs at the time. It's kind of like instant deep relationship, just add the water of tears.
Of course someone healing you is powerful and a bond is sure to form.
I am really making this up as I go along but it seems about right.
For me, and maybe your H, hell, many men, a damsel in distress is impossible to resist. We get to be heroic, knights in shining armor, there for them at their darkest hour. It feels great! Too bad eventually we have to take the armor off, and they eventually don't need to be saved. That's when the problems start if there really isn't anything there but an old stale rescue holding the relationship up.
I hope that helps. In your case, I would think it may because it means there could be a time when she no longer needs his saving and starts to look deeper.
In my case, with my M, I know the decision to get married was NOT based on need but what we both thought of as true love. Of that I can be sure, of much else...who knows.

GH

Do you think perhaps you have low self-esteem (I don't see it in you, but then again, no one ever sees it in me either).

Oh, it's my biggest downfall. It's funny. Half the world, really, most of the world sees me as a talented, almost arrogant, outgoing, full-of-life kind of person that can command a room, and then there is the real me who is terrified of rejection, criticism, and failure.
Within personal relationships I have terrible self esteem issues.

As for the root being my mother or father, I don't really know. Neither of them were ever very loving in a traditional way. I don't think they did it on purpose, to raise me tough or anything, they're just not affectionate people. I stopped getting hugs very early on. I don't ever remember saying I love you, or hearing it growing up. I'm sure they said it, but when, I can't tell you.
I think that may be a large part of my problem. I think my W may not have felt how much I love her because I never really learned how to express that love in a physical way other than sex.
I love to cuddle, kiss, hug, just be close, but with my W I got so afraid she would reject me, or just think I wanted sex, that I stopped doing those things a lot of the time. I still wanted to but it was less of a risk not to. Does that make sense?
Anyway, my self analysis time is up. I guess this is therapeutic. That, and boring too...

hopper

I am shaking so much I can't type. I don't have much time, but I did something I keep advising all of you not to do. My W's phone was sitting on the counter and she was in the shower. She claims to never text message anyone, but since so many of you talk about you W/H and the OP texting, of course, I had to snoop. Worst mistake of my life. She didn't text him, but there were dozens of texts from him, pages of them. Everyone was "I love you sweetie" and "sleep well my love" "see you tomorrow xoxoxo" his work schedule, etc.
I am devastated. Why did I have to find this today. Why did I look. Now I have to face a house full of friends and family and try to act like I don't hate my wife. Right now I can't stop shaking. I knew this was probably the case but seeing it, in writing is something I don't know how to handle. Please, help me. I am going to try my best but I don't know if that's good enough.
Please, for all you who are thinking of snooping and have not yet, DON'T.
I can't take this. It's about time for a talk with my W...

GH

GH
It is OK! You are OK! You have been doing great!
Checking the phone and trying to find out what is going on is something we all have done. I even did it last nite myself!
All it shows is that they will live the life they want to lead and we can not control them anymore! It is so hard and very emmmotional!
Just remember everything you have said and how hard you have been working on yourself! You are becoming a better person for yourself and the kids, and for anyone else in your life who appreciates you for just being you!
Just look back at my actions and you can see ahat I did in similar circumstances! I did the wrong things and now you have the chance to prove your re-NEWED strength and go forward for GH and no one else!

Ok, I want to talk to her. I can't tell her I found anything. I can't just keep on pretending. I don't know what to do. Nothing's changed, right? Do nothing?
So many of you have been where I am now and I advise you constantly about these things. Please do the same for me now. I guess I am not doing such a great job being centered right now.

GH

Don't react! Don't say anything! Absorb the blow and don't let your emmotions control your reaction!
Read over your own post and see the advice you have been giving! It is strong and sound!
If you react now and say somethin to her you will be perceived as controlling, untrustworthy, pushy, and needy!
Not very attractive!
She is warming up to the GH that was always there, but is now startig to show to the reat of the world!
Don't do or say anything!
Anyone else out there lets help GH~!

You have to relax...detach...I know its easier said than done but you have to fight through it...can you get out of the house for a little bit and cool off. This thing will fade...you're doing such a great job so far to take a step back. Hang in there the emotion will fade just give it a few hours.

Tim,

I want to move forward for myself, but as these things get put in my face, I am thinking that, like Frank, Vince, and others, that my W is going forward without me so maybe it's time I do the same, for real.
Look, I am a much better person than I was a month ago but along with that comes a bit of self preservation that is making me want to confront her right now. I don't want to tell her I know anything, but I think it would happen. I just want to make her lie to me. I want to ask her if she loves him. What would that solve? Nothing I guess, but this hurts as much as the first bomb drop did, maybe worse. I can handle it better now but I am looking for a way to get through the day with this knowledge. She knows I'm in a mood. She doesn't know why. If I am to salvage this opportunity to shine in front of all these people (S3's bday party) then I have to find a way to pull it together!
Help!

GH

The tought thing is we do not know exactly what our W are thinking! We over analyze it, and speculate the worst!
Take a breather! Don't react! I have been there several times and whenever I have said or did anything with this new found info it has blown up in my face!

What is keeping me going is the dream of tomorrow! The dream that I have evolved into the strong independent person that I know I am, who is capable of love, and willing to share it with people! And on that day my W sees it in me and then I am strong enought to decide if I want to share it with her or not!
We can't get to the point by trying to control our W or let our emmotions cntrol our actions!
You are strong and listen to all of us don't do anything!