Lisa Lisa Lisa, I thank you for getting detailed. Sometimes it really helps to see that people care that much. Anyway, I don't have to wonder, my W TOLD me that she'd sacrificed too much already and she needed to get back to being "her" again. Of course that's not possible with me. I would go on to add, even though she didn't, that it's not possible with the kids in the picture either but it would bring her WAY too much guilt to come out and say that. She's had her moments where she was close to admitting that this whole marriage, kids, good wife thing was the most horrible thing she's ever experienced. I saw her doing this. I saw her subjugating her life for everything and everyone else and I let her convince me that SHE really wanted to do it when I knew better. She is a social creature and I saw her distance herself from her friends. That should have told me something, and it did, it told me that she was totally ok with just being with me, in our home and living together happily ever after. Damn, why was I so blind. One of our problems is that we always said "We'll do that sometime" or "Ok, when then kids are...we'll get back to doing that". Well, Mr. Right Now came along and made my W realize, in addition to the MLC issues I think she was already feeling, that she does not have to wait for anything or anybody to get back to "that". She can have "that" now. I still struggle daily with the idea that I am somehow LETTING her do this. I know I do not control her, but I DO control whether I am going to continue to be here or not. Even my C brought up the "enabling" issue but quickly let it go. She is confounded by this phenomenon of a W who can continue an A out in the open while staying married. She does not think I am weak by any means for doing what I am doing, she is just amazed at the strength of my W to withstand the immense pressure for all sides in this.
So, I am detaching and letting go, but I still go through a lot of the same emotions as the first day I posted. I don't think that will ever change. The "what if" game is one I may play till my dying day about this.
I have to say GH that you, as well as many others on here, have amazing courage and fortitude. Despite the sitch, you are really coming to find yourself and recognizing a lot about you and maybe what was missing in your R. One of the things I seriously struggle with is being an enabler. At this point, I guess I am fortunate in that my W hasn't been carrying on a relationship outside of her feelings and at work (at least as far as I can tell). There are no phone calls or dates, etc. So, in some ways I guess that's a good thing. On the other hand, I question whether I would have the fortitude to allow those things to happen. At this point, I have to be honest with myself and say, most likely, not. Of course, I can't say for sure, but the way I feel right now is that if it comes to that, I will seriously struggle with whether or not I am enabling. The other side of the coin is that I guess if I did enforce some "tough love" at that point, then I jeopardize my relationship with my girls in the process. Ain't life grand?
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
WOW...your C is confounded by your Ws A? This has me greatly concerned. Sorry...but I know there are many therapists out there babe, some good, some bad...some only looking out for their clients and not looking at the whole picture. I've seen some therapists steer some people here on DB in a direction that scares me and I see the end results and shake my head in disbelief.
You may consider actually calling a DB coach. They are solution based. I found that a Solution Based coach worked better in my sitch and I think many here will agree. Screw the past, so to speak...its the present, the future that we are working towards, right? Okay, so maybe someone was an alcoholic, someone was abused, blah blah, victim mentality going there...always the victim, not willing to move forwards and really look at themselves, they have this crutch that they can blame, the past. Well screw the past...I worked with Chuck from the DB coaching staff...we made a game plan, I was focused, I had goals. It gave me a purpose and I then slowly as I started moving forward with my goals, I realized that this really wasn't the R that I needed or wanted, but that's my life, my choice...however, having a game plan really does help here because my friend, your old M is dead and gone, you need to look towards the future for the possibilty of a new R with your W or perhaps, hard to even say the words, but with someone else as I have now done.
LOL...I too was the social creature before I met my exH, I started to return to me and then I met Dave, then slowly I found myself getting caught up in his world, but a great deal of that was because of his alcoholism...I am now returning back to the social creature I was...a great deal more wiser than I was years ago...learning about who I want to be, not who I am or who I was. Difference there...not willing to recreate history again...your W will also need to get to that place in her mind. She's running right now and om just happens to be there...nothing is saying that it can't be you there.
Okay, so you've been losing weight, you cut your damn hair off (you were hoping I was going to let this go didn't you???? NOPE!!) (Sorry, I was damaged goods from the moment I laid eyes on David Lee Roth back in 1977...
So what else have you been doing for you on a social basis? How are you escaping the insanity right now? Hobbies, etc?
Thanks again. As for my C, I know she questions some of the things I am doing and has admitted that this kind of sitch is new-ish to her. That said, she has NOT pushed for me to abandon anything. She and I have decided that it would be best if we work on MY issues and not so much on my marriage. For that, so far, she's been GREAT. Yea, there is some "inner child" stuff going on, but I have to say, I am getting a lot out of it. I had some reservations but I think it will be ok for now. I am willing to keep going so long as I keep feeling there is benefit for me and thus, my marriage. I have no interest in getting in touch with my inner child and losing touch with my W and M.
I told C first thing when I sat down in her office that divorce WAS NOT AN OPTION and I did not want to go down that road. I asked her what her views were on marriage versus the individual and she said she was pro-marriage (uses the Imago principals...very Freudian) and worked to help the individual grow towards a point where they could fully participate in and experience the marriage. Like many experts, C's and others, she just feels that a continuing affair makes it pretty hard to reconcile a marriage. I get that, I just am willing to give it time before I make any decisions.
So, your worries are my worries. Like so many others, I just opened the phone book and found a C. Actually I did it via some referral website but I did not comparison shop. I just needed someone who accepted my insurance and would see me ASAP before I lost my mind. She fit that bill and here I am.
For the next several sessions we have as a goal to work on my self esteem, control and communication issues. I believe it will do wonders for me.
As for hobbies, as I have said all along, I have always had a life outside the house, including work that many would consider a hobby. I have not stopped this so I think I am doing ok on that front.
Very wise words indeed. I myself struggle with trying to bring back the old R, when in fact, that R was flawed in the first place (either from my perspective or hers, obviously). The fact is, we DO have to move forward and either develop that new R with the spouse, or develop the new life without them. For many months, I moped about wanting my life back before this all came down, but you know, that isn't the life I want back because that's the life that she was unahppy with and, to some degree, so was I (that's another story for another day).
In any event, GH, you have made progress, but what have you done for you lately aside from the appearance changes?
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Oh, and somewhere, someone asked if the kids were going on the trip. No, they're not. That's the surprising thing. The kids aren't, but her sister and BIL are (who are going through a similar marriage crisis w/o affair though). Great, tour of Ireland with the dysfunctional couples!
For many months, I moped about wanting my life back before this all came down, but you know, that isn't the life I want back because that's the life that she was unahppy with and, to some degree, so was I (that's another story for another day).
Not wanting to hijack here...but Rob...this isn't JUST about meeting the WAS needs you know? We all have needs and wants. Putting our feelings, thoughts, needs and wants on the backburner is not very healthy either. It was when I started looking back I realized that Dave was right, I WASN'T happy...I thought I was because when I looked back all I could see was the good in the R...but in reality it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. In the end, I've moved on and am in a much happier place in my life than I have been in oh about 20yrs...
Going over to read your thread. GH, sorry for the temp hijeck but it's important that everyone know's that DB isn't about just catering to your WAS needs but realizing your own also. So to Rob, another story another day...nope...I better find something over on your thread giving me your thoughts...HUGS
I am just discovering myself. For me, I know who I am to the outside world for the most part, I just need to know who I am inside. I have NEVER known that. So, rather than take an art class, or go dancing, I am spending time discovering who I am. I do plenty of things that make me happy, whether with my kids or on my own. I jog, play pool, go to basketball games, take my kids hiking, do personal photography (as opposed to my work), read, veg and listen to my iPod (usually fiction books), play my PS2, etc.
Well, I just got off the phone with my W. She's all pissed off because I told her she had until 4 to sign up S5 for soccer and I called to tell her it cut off at 2:00. She's all pissed and saying over and over how now she won't have time to get everything done for S3's party tomorrow, how she would have gone over there already and now she's going to have to leave what she's doing, blah blah blah... I am fuming. I did not get confrontational. I probably apologized a few times when I should not have but the bottom line is this: she drops the kids off at school at 8:30am. She picks them up at 3:30pm. It's now 12:45pm and she claims to have all these things she needs to do starting now. WTF has she been doing all day, this most busy of days, that she was not able to get anything done so far? When was she PLANNING on going there. Not after she picks the kids up, no time then. So before? When? She was just starting to do shopping she says not she won't have time to do after (remember, they close at 2 so she'd have 1 1/2 hours to shop, the center is very close to the soccer place). Come on. I am detaching and all that happy $hit but give me a break. I have to hear about how I screwed up over the time they close, and take her venting because she has to cut short her day with the OM? OH, I know, I don't know that's where she is...hmmmmmmm... Then she gets all into me about whether I really want him to do soccer (something SHE's been pushing forever), and how the schedule is going to mess other things up, etc. How, I am going to have to take him to practice...blah blah blah... Test. I know, test. This is really a first for her though. I have not called her on her "never having time for xxxxx" which is new since this affair. Funny, she had nothing but time to get anything she needed to get done before. I want to call her on it. Ask her where she was all morning that she's so rushed now. Oh, she'll say at the gym (for 3 hours?) and getting lunch. Well, if that's your priority, then don't freakin yell at me about not having time! Ok. I have to breathe. Please tell me to stop.
