Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy When is it time to walk away?

Bowtech,
Thanks for your response. It's always great to get the male perspective. I don't know if males have less opportunity to share their feelings or if our society conditions them to *not* share. I know I firmly believe that my H's problems stem from his screwed up relationships with his family.(Who look like the perfect family to the outside world).

I work very hard to talk to my sons and pull them out of themselves so they will feel comfortable sharing their emotions. I have always felt very comfortable around men. I usually have no trouble talking with them. I know this is different from many of my GFs. My problems start when I make an emotional, romantic commitment to them.
Hope I've grown in that dept.

Sorry for the hijack, Mama.

Spitfire

No problem with the hijack.

I absolutely agree with everything all of you have said. Robyn [my H] had serious issues surrounding his parents divorce and saw alot of toxic things. Both remarried multiple times and wound up really screwing up his ability to understand commitment, relatinships, and happiness. He saw both of them seeking happiness externally.

And the part about men not having a support network is so true. I even teach that in my sociology classes. Men lose their only emotional outlet when their g/f or W leaves. Which often explains why they quickly rebound into another relationship, find OW before leaving the first one, or sink into a deep depression at the demise of a relationship or the death of a partner. Elderly men are more likely to die within a year or two of becoming a widow than women are [unless the men remarry of course]. Women actually report to have a second coming after their spouse dies. They start going on cruises with their girlfriends, I mean think of all of the purple hat wearing mamas out there, enjoying their single life and newfound freedom. Not to say, that they don't mourn the death of their husband, just that they have a stronger support network.

Now back to me

I have been thinking alot about my sitch today and I have realized much what I have realized before.

Robyn, even if he leaves Alyssa [OW] is not at a healthy enough place for me to be with.

This whole debacle has allowed me to see the parts of me that I allowed to slip away in the five years that I have been with Robyn. When I met him I was incredibly independent, I did exactly as I chose, gave compassion and kindness to the world without expecting anything in return. I loved for the sake of loving, would lie in the grass and feel the energy surround me from the earth and the sky. I used to constantly write, explore ideas, meet new people and share myself, my true self with almost everyone I met. I did not see my self as the hottest girl in the world, but that didn't matter. I knew that my soul's light shined through me, and people gravitated to me.

Somehow, in the time I was with Robyn, I no longer was able to write, I had to give up huge pieces of myself to accomodate him. [I know it seems insignificant to you all , but circumsizing Dylan almost destroyed me.] I had to teach, I had to stay in this awful wasteland, the land that I hated and was dying to leave. I had to do all of these things for the hope of a future reward. That I would get to fulfill my dreams once the kids were older, etc,etc. In the process of giving so much of myself away, I lost my confidence, I no longer felt attractive, my inner light became dim and often even I could not see it. I started needing Robyn to love me, just so that I had value, worth.

It is amazing to me looking back that I was so accomodating, that in the day to day interaction I didn't even realize that all of my hard work that had led me to a place of wholeness was slowly but surely slipping away.

I spoke the words of spirit, but only sometimes felt it.

Robyn is not the partner for me. He has so much pain and emotional poison in his heart. He seeks happiness from external pursuits. He needs others to make him happy, which is why he fell in love with me. He saw the way my light shined brightly and devoured it until there was nothing left for me to give. I became a shell of my former self. And then he moved on to the next source of distraction/happiness: poker, and drugs, and of course, there was always the music.

He hates himself, he truly believes that there is no hope for him to be happy because of the darkness in his soul. He thinks that he can only be happy from the outside.

I KNOW that happiness only comes from within. I know that I can share that happiness with others, but ultimately if I give it away, I only create an addict that will suck me dry. I know that all of the love in the world is within me right now. I know that if I need to experience love I can look around and LIFE is offering it to me in great abundance. The trees, the flowers, the birds, the moon, all of life is offereing to share love. And I must give it as well. Not because I owe it to anyone but because only through giving the love that is within me can I be happy.

I thought that because Robyn and I spoke so much about spirituality early on that he was truly interested in spiritual growth. And he was, as long as it didn't require any effort. I cannot tell you how my ideas went from being "amazing" to being "hokie" And little by little that part of me hid deep within.

So here I am realizing that Robyn and I are not at the same place as far as our spiritual development, and we may never be. And that is okay. I wish him well in his journey. Some people need to experience great trauma to wake up, and I hope his doesn't kill him. I know that this trauma has simply been the platform for me to reach new heights and to learn the mistakes that I will never allow myself to make again.

I know that I am okay. I am ready to file. With a peaceful heart. I have to let him go so that I may be free to discover the truths of my own soul. He didn't hold me back, but being with him turned me into a person that held myself back, wanting love and acceptance. Know what? Who I am is good enough and always has been. Not for Robyn, but for me. And THAT is what really matters.

I know that my strength has come back. And I wish him well, right now at least. I have been on a rollercoaster the 2 months, and when I don't let my ego get in the way, I keep coming back to these same truths.

And guys, if you want to know what books have helped me along the way, The Mastery of Love [not so mcuh about loving others but more about loving ourselves] and The Voice of Knowledge. The Four Agreements also rocks. They are all by Don Miguel Ruiz.

And just as a side note, I met someone a few years ago, just randomly that told me they were an angel. Who knows really what they really were but whatever the case, he gave me a pearl of wisdom that I have carried with me since that time.

I asked him which religion was the "true" one. He laughed and said they all shared truth. he said that he couls tell me the one commandment that made the world the way it is and is the only way of changing it. It was "love thy neighbor as thyself." He says the problem in our soiciety, in our world, is that we have so guilt and blame for ourselves that of course we send that same poison out into the world. We DO love our neighbors as ourselves, the issue is that we don't love ourselves. If we could only love ourselves the way that God loves us, then in turn we could realize that who are we to judge anyone. Give them love, let them sort themselves out. I know that I have sent tons of pain out into the world as a result of not feeling safe with myself, hating, blaming, myself.

Well not anymore. I am going to work on forgiving myself and all of thise around me.

Gratefulmama,

what a beautiful post. I can relate to so much of what you have written. I hope you write now as you obviously have a talent for it.

I too found with DBing that although my marriage is probably unsalvagable, I found the real me. The one that had been lost along the way. I also found that I love me, whereas I don't think I had for a long long time.

Thank you for your post. I wish you all the best in your new better life. Bring on Act II!

Ditto what Kismet said. That is a beautiful post and very meaningful to me.

I have been reading lately about earth angels, angels whose "job" it is to live this life as a human being ... apparently they are everywhere ....

This is such a tough road. Everytime I move forward feeling better about me, I am reminded of his relationship with OW. And it stings. I know that he is not at a place for me yet I still don't like the idea of him finding happiness with her. I hate knowing who she is, knowing her so well, I feel like it would be easier if I couldn't picture her face, her body, her apt, her baby. The images haunt me. I was there for the birth of her daughter who is now 5 m/o. We shared clothes, we went to concerts together. Part of the ugliness of all of this is knowing that a "friend" could do this to me. I just wish there relationship would hurry up and end already.

I talked to him today about getting the paperwork to file. Then I asked him if he could watch the boys that night because I imagined that it would be emotioanlly taxing. He said he couldn't do it friday because he was going out for his birthday. [I am sure with OW] And he can't do it Monday either [I know he watches 24 with her. And that stings too, we have been watching that together since I was pregnant with our first child] I hate that he won't be accomodating to me because of his relationship with her.

I know I haev to let go, and I know that in time it will hurt a tiny bit less. But my ego is bruised. She and I are so similar, it is downright scary. Aside from her lack of morality, of course. But politically, philosophically, even our life paths have been remarkably similar. it just is so weird that he left me to be with me, kwim?

I will let this go. I have to.

I know it is my ego that is hurt.

I actually am pretty thankful for this traumatic event in my life because it demanded that I look at myself and who I have become as a person.

It is hard because I do love him. And I want him to be happy. I can see that he is not right for me yet I don't want him to be with anyone else.

I guess this is all pretty fresh for me and in time I will move beyond that.

I am having a really hard time finding any forgiveness for the OW. For some reason it is easier to forgive HIM than it is to forgive my friend. I see her schening and plotting against me whereas for him, I see it as more of an accident.

H has the hope that he and I can create a true friendship after we sort through the emotional pain, yet I don't see me being able to do that if he is still with her. I cannot seem to forgive that even though I know that I MUST let go in order for me to be truly healthy.

This is such hard work, I know the pay off is worth it, but sometimes I sort of wish that my head was still in the sand and we were going about our complacent life of watching tv, taking care of the kids, and just hanging out. I know I lost myself in the ease of that life but sometimes I wish I had that ignorance back. I don't wish it for long but it is till a part of me.

Quote:

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This is such hard work, I know the pay off is worth it, but sometimes I sort of wish that my head was still in the sand and we were going about our complacent life of watching tv, taking care of the kids, and just hanging out. I know I lost myself in the ease of that life but sometimes I wish I had that ignorance back. I don't wish it for long but it is till a part of me.

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So true, so true. It was only a few weeks ago that my imperfect life was perfect. The daily routine, the mindlessness of it, was so nice, or so I thought.
No wonder life was so easy. I wasn't doing anything to live it. Now that I/We are, it not only feels hard, but so much more worthwhile.
Thanks for the sentiment. I really relate to that. Take care today.

TMU

Man. Just when you think you are moving toward acceptance and detachment, WHAM! Next thing I know I am right back in the crazy land of messed up emotions.

Our interactions are either good and caring, or he is lashing out at me finding fault in everything and nothing.

I get so upset because I am trying to treat him with understanding. I am not trying to punish him for his infidelity and deceit. I am trying to meet him halfway, so where does he get of being pissy to me?

HE is the one who screwed out life up. Yet he gets to be angry with me? THAT is what pulls me back into the righteous indignation of the affair. Most of the time I can see it as having very little to do with me but in those moments I am like "How dare you treat me this way? After all that you have done, you feel like you have the right to treat me this way? You should be thanking your lucky stars that I am not a venomous person trying to screw you in every way manageable."

This ride sucks. Roller coasters never used to nauseate me but they certainly do now.

I know exactly what you are talking about.

We need NY S to chime in here; he’s very good at explaining these things, but I’ll do my best.

What you’ve got on your hands is an angry WAH, right? That’s because he’s feeling guilty and ashamed at his actions. Being around you only reminds him of the louse he is behaving like right now. It isn’t your fault. He sees you and knows you’re his wife and he’s not capable of being a good husband to you. Thus, the guilt. Thus, the anger.

You are right, these WAH’s are darn lucky we don’t react like the majority of spouses in our position: clothes on the front lawn, locks changed, lawyers called. Do you know that during all of this, I’ve not broken/thrown away one single item of his?

Only you can decide if you have had enough. It’s been said we’ll know that time when it comes in a peaceful way. I’m not trying to say you should give up on DB’ing. I hope you can find a way to let what your husband says not affect you, because he’s really mad at himself for the way he is acting.
Hugs,
Hope