"She wants a good divorce??(is there such a thing)She still has this thought in her head that everything could still be the same. We can be a happily Divorced couple."
Oh this is my H's fantasy also. He thinks we can be very good lifelong friends. Maybe a whole lot of time could change my mind, but I doubt it. That's one thing that I can not imagine ever happening. Only in his dreamworld.
Let me ask a question, Mar... why is it that H's thinking of being friendly with you post divorce is a "dreamworld" but you thinking the opposite isn't?
Yes, I know... H has done a lot of damage, this wasn't your doing, it was him, and so on... yet, the choice to forgive is yours, the choice on whether to establish a friendship of sorts forward going is yours. Perhaps you wish not to right now, but that perception may change, as you've indicated in your post. It's then really about you and what you wish to do, and how you choose to go forward, and not really about his being in a "dreamworld" or "fantasy", you see. His view is as real to him as yours is to you. It's all up to you.
The roller coaster continues........ Talked to wife today,about doing aou taxes and a few things about the kids...i had told her yesterday about the just be happy thing..and when talking today i was just really upbeat and talking normal,just about the kids and our trip..she seems to be acting ok with it but i think she was kind of surprised at how i was acting,but didnt say anything..now if i can just keep it going. Sitting here tonight im feeling like calling and telling her to wake up again,but im going to control myself and not do it. Havent talked since that,although she has called for me twice at my moms and left me a voice mail on my cell.Talking about a phone message for me.A girl called the house asking to speak to me,and i think she may be jealous or mad. Need opinion here....Say my wife is having an affair...and appears to want a seperation/divorce..would she be jealous if she knew there were actually women interested in me?Should i play this card??Or should i diffuse it?..Do you think it would make her consider things? She wants to seem to ready to do this..yet everyday now she's checking her email if we dont talk to see if i have written her..she used to never check her email..its like she wants to make sure im still hanging on??
And also..is it not wise to ask my mife to read a chapter or two of Divorce Remedy..Its just after reading it..everything kind of came together and could see more clearly what marriage and love were about..if that sounds right..dunno cant find the words..It was just some great reading and if somehow she would i dunno....
is it not wise to ask my mife to read a chapter or two of Divorce Remedy..Its just after reading it..everything kind of came together and could see more clearly what marriage and love were about..if that sounds right..dunno cant find the words..It was just some great reading and if somehow she would i dunno....
Agreed it is excellent reading. But step back and think how you would react if someone asks you to do something that you really have no interest in doing.
Generally when someone is in an A they are not looking towards the LBS because they are having their needs met elsewhere. It's perceived by the WAS, or anyone else for that matter as controlling, trying to fix, push, etc.
Ditto Sassy. Deejay, you wouldn't be the first person that wants their WAS to read some literature, or leave books and articles conspicuously around the house for them to read, or email articles to them, yadda, yadda.
"A person convinced against their will
is of the same opinion still."
Besides, it's seen as you pushing your belief system unto theirs, which automatically raises their defenses, just as proselytizing does, because that's in essence what you're doing when you do that, and even if they were to read a paragraph or two, they will typically tell you it's interesting but doesn't apply to their oh so unique situation.
Secondly, then they get to read that you're doing 180s and whatnot because that's what the book instructs on, and may therefore look at your "changes" as purely manipulative and not real.
Bottom line is that this is "pursuing" type behavior, and that very often just pushes them further away, giving them another reason to.
The reason underlying why you wish to do so is because you think the book is good and makes sense, so you believe they'll get the same sense of things. But they're into a different book, so to speak. Understand their mind set, for there is where the "coming out of the fog" has to occur.
Ok,thanks for your continued help and support, A bit of advice needed....The lawyer called today and said the seperation papers were ready to sign...i obviously dont want to go through with it..and only got a lawyer because she said she would if i didnt. In your opinion how do you think she would react if i told her that i still did not believe divorce was the answer and if she wanted it she was going to have to do it herself.Ive been pulling back the last couple days,and trying to GAL,and be happy.She paid half of the $500 for this thing but it is my lawyer,and im going to put off telling her its ready as long as i can. Mind you i did ALOT of the begging,pleading thing the first 2 months or so,and she was totally fed up with that,and have only recently pulled back.I dont feel like if this is what i dont want,then i should have by no means got a lawyer for myself and proceeded to go through with it.But i did and this is where i am at..i am in the process odf chilling the rest of the family out as to do no more damage so she doesnt feel so alienated.WE were supposed to meet today to do our taxes together but i actually had plans this morning and forgot my W2's at home. Any advice on this would be appreciated.. Thanks Dee
My honest advice and if it was happening to me, I would call my attorney (you indicated she was going through your attorney) and let them know that WAS would have to hire their own attorney.
Most importantly, I would make sure that my assets were protected. Then I would have my attorney contact the WAS attorney and say all expenses are theirs. I would not contribute to it financially.
Thats my thoughts exactly..but figured it was just something else to piss her off... Im having a tough time tonight..cant get my mind off of things...didnt talk to her today..she called but i didnt answer...the kids called me tonight and i hung up and turned off phone immediately afterward talking to them. Its really taking alot of control right now not to call her and tell her how im feeling,but i know she has heard it all before. I just feel like its only been 3 months,i wanted to stop this before she got to deep in this mess.Im still in the cant believe this is happening to me phase i guess.Its just not right!
Very bad day...Bad thoughts all day.. DEcided to pull back for only 2 days now,havent spoken to wife at all today,i picked up the kids for the weekend.Weve been seperated for 3 months now.
Well,im just having bad thoughts now about how im going to get through this and if i want to.
I think ultimately i would probably want to reconcile..i have this whole time,but i have seen the word enabling around here abit lately,and i dont know if i can do that.Its like i think she will ultimately want to reconcile one day but how do i just ler her keep everything we have,keep the kids..knowing she is having an affair?How can i let her do this to me.I have even called my Lawyer today to see what chance i have a getting a better deal than the seperation agreement we have.I'm just really out of it today,and just dont think she should be able to get away with this.I have taken responsibility for our marriage problems,but know the only reason she now decided after 12 years to get seperated is because maybe she "thinks"shes in love..either that or just wants to mess around for a while.
How do i cope with this?Knowing it goes against everything i stand for.I mean its one thing to go out one night and have some drinks and make a mistake..but to let yourself get emotionally involved with someone and destroy our familyfor it is another.I want to be strong and be there when and if the time comes to pull my family back together,but dont know if that will come,and if i think or dont know the future why not just be an ass and put her out on the street.She would never leave without the kids..already tried that..made her leave..but she took the kids with her to a co-workers house and i couldnt stand that but 2 days,and let her take the house back over.Really confused and feel like she has her cake and is eating it up too.She knows how i feel by all the begging,pleading,etc. and probably feels like no matter what i will take her back whenever she gets ready..What i want is to get to the point where i dont want her back,but dont know if that is attainable,and considering i still love her more than ever,and want nothing more than my family to be whole again,i am clueless as to where to go from here.\
The seperation papers are ready to sign,and i feel like she thinks thats just her getting a green light to continue her affair.She has and never will admit the affair,this maybe to secure a way to come back to me one day..who knows?I dont know whether to go ahead and sign the papers(i dont want to)or tell her she needs to do it on her own if thats what she wants.The agreement favors me as far as not having to pay alimony,and the child support is fair...but she keeps the house(cant afford),and most importantly i've been reduced to an every other weekend Dad,and that is just not enough for me.3 D's 6,8,12...They are just really confused,and she doesnt care and just thinks everything is going to be peachy..and dont believe it is affecting them as bad as it is.
Ive already had some great advice from here and has helped alot,but feel like im on the verge of taking a big step backwards if i dont bite my tongue.It just isnt right.
My advice would be to hold off on signing anything.
It's only been 3 months? My H called me 3 times the day after he moved in with OW and asked if I had talked to my attorney yet. I held off, but eventually saw my attorney to find out my options. I got all of the paperwork together to get child support started and gave it to H. He never got any of the information back to me.
Upon advice from my attorney, because of circumstances in my life, health, etc., separation was recommended, not a divorce. When I told my H, he had a fit! He bitched and moaned and called me every name in the book. Then he threatened to get his own damn attorney and get things rolling. I told him to go ahead, but I wasn't feeling compelled to sign any type of papers at all...divorce or separation.
I felt empowered because I put the ball in his court, and instead of playing, he took his ball and went home. (Granted, he went home to the OW) He is back now, and things aren't peachy, but I am working on it, despite the OW.
Stand your ground and hold off until your emotions are under control a bit more.
Need opinion here....Say my wife is having an affair...and appears to want a seperation/divorce..would she be jealous if she knew there were actually women interested in me?Should i play this card??Or should i diffuse it?..Do you think it would make her consider things?