Quote: When do these memories end? When do the triggers quit firing? Ever?
I have to believe they get better when issues are dealt with. Not that you can push addressing issues before their time comes. But, I find myself taken away by just as many of those memories now as when I was sure H was gone. Only now they don't drown me in dark pain, but they still hurt. And there's anger where there wasn't before.
VERY good question...one that we all struggle with.
While I don't know the answer, it certainly helps me to realize that no R is perfect (romantic or otherwise). There will be no one in our lives that we become close to that does not hurt us, or does not have the capacity--painful memories with most all close Rs (parents, etc) Sooooo....here's what I do...
With H and my M....each time I get into a spiral thinking of how I was wronged and hurt (which, of course, only leads to other similar thoughts, leading you to believe that there was NOTHING good...and goodness, how in the world did I marry him in the first place??? ). My tactic: I try to steer my mind to something painful I did/said to him that made him feel the way that I did (hurt, insecure, etc). It helps me to realize that I am not without faults, that we BOTH hurt each other. While this doesn't necessarily make it RIGHT or even better, it at least forces you to remember that you have no choice but to forgive, because it's what you're asking for yourself, isn't it?
Silly, but helps me remember that we're both human...we have such a great capacity to bring each other the most intense pain and the most joy...why not shoot for the latter?
VERY good question...one that we all struggle with.
While I don't know the answer, it certainly helps me to realize that no R is perfect (romantic or otherwise). There will be no one in our lives that we become close to that does not hurt us, or does not have the capacity--painful memories with most all close Rs (parents, etc) Sooooo....here's what I do...
With H and my M....each time I get into a spiral thinking of how I was wronged and hurt (which, of course, only leads to other similar thoughts, leading you to believe that there was NOTHING good...and goodness, how in the world did I marry him in the first place??? ). My tactic: I try to steer my mind to something painful I did/said to him that made him feel the way that I did (hurt, insecure, etc). It helps me to realize that I am not without faults, that we BOTH hurt each other. While this doesn't necessarily make it RIGHT or even better, it at least forces you to remember that you have no choice but to forgive, because it's what you're asking for yourself, isn't it?
Silly, but helps me remember that we're both human...we have such a great capacity to bring each other the most intense pain and the most joy...why not shoot for the latter?
VERY good question...one that we all struggle with.
While I don't know the answer, it certainly helps me to realize that no R is perfect (romantic or otherwise). There will be no one in our lives that we become close to that does not hurt us, or does not have the capacity--painful memories with most all close Rs (parents, etc) Sooooo....here's what I do...
With H and my M....each time I get into a spiral thinking of how I was wronged and hurt (which, of course, only leads to other similar thoughts, leading you to believe that there was NOTHING good...and goodness, how in the world did I marry him in the first place??? ). My tactic: I try to steer my mind to something painful I did/said to him that made him feel the way that I did (hurt, insecure, etc). It helps me to realize that I am not without faults, that we BOTH hurt each other. While this doesn't necessarily make it RIGHT or even better, it at least forces you to remember that you have no choice but to forgive, because it's what you're asking for yourself, isn't it?
Silly, but helps me remember that we're both human...we have such a great capacity to bring each other the most intense pain and the most joy...why not shoot for the latter?
Things improve and then he steps back a little. I'm sure that has you a little disappointed but think of it like a ratchet. Do what you can to take the positives and click over that tooth so that you don't slide back to where you were.
One thing that I noticed when it seemed like you were a bit disappointed by his pulling away a bit: whether you come out and say it or not, I think you harbor a lot of resentment about how you have been "wronged". The 2nd-hand laptop, the truck that was never fixed, some of the things that weren't done around the farm. You may be perfectly justified in feeling that way but, at least at this point, you can't express that frustration to your H or I think he will use that anger to justify pulling away further. Someone else touched on something else I'd like to point out: yes, the laptop is 2nd hand but don't think of it that way. He still might not be putting you *first* in his thoughts but he at was at least thinking about you. After whatever is going/has gone on with OWB and his MLC, that's a change that I think is fairly important. Please try to see it as a possible baby-step.
Now that things have slipped back a little bit, please consider taking some time to think about what you had been doing differently that might have either caused his blip of attraction or might have reinforced it if you weren't the cause of it. The whole "Figure out what works and what doesn't" thing.
Whew...Akiwi just gave WCW a dose of what she gives ME all the time! Had to giggle a little at that....funny how you can see it so much more clearly from the outside...
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Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Kiwi, no doubt about it, I know I harbor resentment. I know I feel I have been wronged, I know that I want H to acknowledge and tell me he is sorry. You know how that feels. I also know it will most likely never happen.
So let's imagine, in a world of puff and fluff, that H starts coming back, I mean really coming back. H hugs me, then maybe a kiss, then he comes in our bed, and wants to be intimate, and he stays and wakes up with me in the morning. We hug goodbye, and he says he can't wait until we are both back home tonight. This goes on, a day, a week, a month. I win. I get him back. THEN WHAT? What will I do with him? I love the man, I love the life we created, but I am really doubting ME to be able to truly forgive the past. And he probably knows that about me, he knows me, he reads me, he's smart. And THAT is probably the biggest reason he won't try. And I can't, or don't know how, to change that, to change me, that somehow he can be comfortable enough to let me at least try to forgive. And can you believe this? here I am again wondering if HE will let ME try? is this warped?
Having said that, something else is changing. H is talking more, just general conversation stuff, nothing detailed or about him, but general. He even made a phone call in front of me to ask someone to come and help last night with some things, something I had offered to help with but he was going to do it himself. I debated, when they got started, if I should just join in and help too. I finished what I was doing, and before I left the barn/arena from riding a van pulled up to the barn, it was a friend that needed water because their well pump quit and it wouldn't get fixed until today. They left, I went to look up what was going with H's project. I poked in for a minute, talked a bit, left, and then a little later went back, and when I walked in H asked if I was helping, and I did. The three of us spent the next couple of hours working and discussing ideas about this project, like a future. Seemed almost normal.
After we got in the house, H asked who was in the van that drove thru the yard. Funny, he wondered who came to see me?
Sunday morning, we had a family get together and big breakfast at my folks place. It was great! I had let H know, sent him a copy of all the emails back and forth. I was getting ready to go, and he finally came in from outside. I asked if he was planning to come to breakfast, he walked down the hallway, looked at me, and said, 'yes, I was hoping to.' It was a little weird, like he half expected me to say he couldn't. I don't know, it was just different. We went, had a great time, laughed with, laughed at, got laughed at, it was good. Totally irrelevant to anything here but funny story, at least in my world. My sis is a dairy farmer, non-married, works her butt hard but has no knowledge of technology, even worse than me. No computer, no email, not a clue about any of it. We tease her a lot. Sunday, she walked in to moms with a suitcasey sort of thing, turns out it was an old manual typewriter she had borrowed from my mom. Joke of the day, it was sis's Amish laptop, and that's how she got her moomail. It was really funny yesterday, H's humor.
Tonight H came home from skiing, the most pleasant return from skiing this season. H sent me a link to a blogspot thing he made of pics from yesterdays breakfast. Good pics from his cell phone camera, and his captions are good. I was holding one of my great nieces on my lap, and she had a pacifier in her mouth looking direct into his camera with such a look on her face. The caption is "go ahead, I dare you to pull this thing out". It's great.
Enough rambling for tonight.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Last night, H stopped home for a few minutes before he left for skiing. He had a bunch of stuff he had to drop off at an accountant for one the volunteer organizations on his way to skiing, things it looked like he had worked on quite a bit during the day. He had an armload with more to go, so I carried some stuff for him to his truck. When I came out a second time, I was going to walk around the opposite side of his truck, but noticed him standing by the door. I thought, hhmm, maybe he is waiting for me to come over by him? so I did, to test the water, see if he was waiting for something? when he saw me coming, he jumped in, said see ya, closed the door, and waved as he drove out.
It is nice to have the silent tension gone, for now at least. I suppose I am looking for too much, to be able to talk and touch my husband all in the same week. I am having a very hard time with patience again, continuing the wait and see method. Now I have email from a girl that wants to spend the summer 'working' by us. How do I answer that? Sure, if we're still here, make your plans accordingly.
Off to another meeting, good thing too. A break from this line of thinking.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: Kiwi, no doubt about it, I know I harbor resentment. I know I feel I have been wronged, I know that I want H to acknowledge and tell me he is sorry. You know how that feels. I also know it will most likely never happen.
Oh, WCW, boy do I know how it feels! Confirmed PA and, according to the neighbors I've run into who think I really want to know this stuff, I think my STBX may be pregnant by OM...or at least trying. And they are living in my house while I'm in a crappy apartment. And she is doing her best to clean me out. You wanna talk about being wronged?!?!
I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds...given my situation, I totally understand being angry. I've thought more than once that if I ever met OM in a dark alley I would put a stop to all of this "right quick" if you know what I mean. And you know that I'm a fighter so I could do it too. I *struggle mightily* with anger. You know that I decked him and I've been so angry that I literally couldn't see straight...it really happens...not an exaggeration.
It sounds to me like when he backed off you got a little frustrated and maybe wanted to lash out at him...for him to hurt like you have been. Is that about right? If so, I *totally* understand that too. I think that that is probably pretty normal if not at all constructive when it comes to the DBing.
I can only tell you that my healthiest moments are when I'm able to let go of that anger and the feelings of being wronged and just let it be water under the bridge. Sometimes I feel like I've forgiven STBXW, even in the midst of her trying to take everything I have, and sometimes I swing back to seeing red. The important part is to recognize that that will happen and to have the skills to deal with it when it does. In my case, it is how I am trying to heal and move on. In your case, I think that you need to let go of that victimhood, even though you may be justified in feeling a victim, in order to make the next jump in your ability to DB. It sounds like he is very sensitive to what is going on in your head and might be scared to recommit because he doesn't want to be beat up emotionally. For the both of you, I think it would be great if you could let that anger go.
DonH and some of the others on this board have mentioned getting in touch with God. I'm not much for faith but I've been spending time learning to meditate and trying to really internalize some of the buddhist teachings about living in the joy of the moment. Recognizing that the external situations only make us unhappy if we let them. Whether the vehicle is Christian faith or buddhist philosophy or whatever, the destination is the same: being calm, being in control, and having perspective.
Quote:
So let's imagine, in a world of puff and fluff, that H starts coming back, I mean really coming back. H hugs me, then maybe a kiss, then he comes in our bed, and wants to be intimate, and he stays and wakes up with me in the morning. We hug goodbye, and he says he can't wait until we are both back home tonight. This goes on, a day, a week, a month. I win. I get him back. THEN WHAT? What will I do with him? I love the man, I love the life we created, but I am really doubting ME to be able to truly forgive the past. And he probably knows that about me, he knows me, he reads me, he's smart. And THAT is probably the biggest reason he won't try. And I can't, or don't know how, to change that, to change me, that somehow he can be comfortable enough to let me at least try to forgive. And can you believe this? here I am again wondering if HE will let ME try? is this warped?
Take control for yourself. Let go of the anger for yourself. Don't let him determine your course. Whether your H recommits or not, you will be much healthier for it. And, if you are successful at letting it go, the probability that your R will improve is much better. That's detachment and GAL. It is a win-win.
Quote:
Having said that, something else is changing. H is talking more, just general conversation stuff, nothing detailed or about him, but general. He even made a phone call in front of me to ask someone to come and help last night with some things, something I had offered to help with but he was going to do it himself. I debated, when they got started, if I should just join in and help too. I finished what I was doing, and before I left the barn/arena from riding a van pulled up to the barn, it was a friend that needed water because their well pump quit and it wouldn't get fixed until today. They left, I went to look up what was going with H's project. I poked in for a minute, talked a bit, left, and then a little later went back, and when I walked in H asked if I was helping, and I did. The three of us spent the next couple of hours working and discussing ideas about this project, like a future. Seemed almost normal.
After we got in the house, H asked who was in the van that drove thru the yard. Funny, he wondered who came to see me?
Sunday morning, we had a family get together and big breakfast at my folks place. It was great! I had let H know, sent him a copy of all the emails back and forth. I was getting ready to go, and he finally came in from outside. I asked if he was planning to come to breakfast, he walked down the hallway, looked at me, and said, 'yes, I was hoping to.' It was a little weird, like he half expected me to say he couldn't. I don't know, it was just different. We went, had a great time, laughed with, laughed at, got laughed at, it was good. Totally irrelevant to anything here but funny story, at least in my world. My sis is a dairy farmer, non-married, works her butt hard but has no knowledge of technology, even worse than me. No computer, no email, not a clue about any of it. We tease her a lot. Sunday, she walked in to moms with a suitcasey sort of thing, turns out it was an old manual typewriter she had borrowed from my mom. Joke of the day, it was sis's Amish laptop, and that's how she got her moomail. It was really funny yesterday, H's humor.
Tonight H came home from skiing, the most pleasant return from skiing this season. H sent me a link to a blogspot thing he made of pics from yesterdays breakfast. Good pics from his cell phone camera, and his captions are good. I was holding one of my great nieces on my lap, and she had a pacifier in her mouth looking direct into his camera with such a look on her face. The caption is "go ahead, I dare you to pull this thing out". It's great.
Somewhere on one my old threads someone mentioned that the things that we remember the most (the nights out, the vacations, etc.) end up being only about 5% of a marriage. We focus on the wrong things. The other 95% of the marriage (tending to the house, tending to the farm, folding clothes together, talking at dinner) are where the *real* bonds are made. Are you mourning the absence of the 5% and missing the opportunity to create good feelings during the 95%? Maybe not. It sounds like you guys have had some good interactions lately. But perhaps keep that 5/95 thing in mind?
I think there are some real improvements in your situation lately. I think that if you focus on making that 95% good you will be getting the 5% soon enough.
Hope that this doesn't come off as presumptious or anything like that. I'm just offering my perspective based on the post mortem of my marriage.
). My tactic: I try to steer my mind to something painful I did/said to him that made him feel the way that I did (hurt, insecure, etc). It helps me to realize that I am not without faults, that we BOTH hurt each other. While this doesn't necessarily make it RIGHT or even better, it at least forces you to remember that you have no choice but to forgive, because it's what you're asking for yourself, isn't it?
It was really funny yesterday, H's humor. 