Quote: But here I am serious again, I'm not sure what I would do right now if H came to initiate something. The moment might be okay, if I could shut off my thoughts.
Did you know that men feel more emotionally connected after ML? It's the funny little dichotomy about ML and men and women --
Women want to feel emotionally connected in order to ML
Men want to ML in order to feel emotionally connected
If I had a vote, I'd say go for it. Yeah, he may pull back a little afterwards, but each time he'll come back and come closer. It's the rubberband theory. Go look it up.
It works!
So yeah, while I'm having fun and being outrageous, I'm quite serious too. Sometimes couples are able to repair and rebuild their R by starting with the ML R first.
Besides, what do you have to lose? Not like you're getting any now!
P.S. Say, can we wait until tomorrow to talk on the phone? I forgot I've got homework due tonight Thanks!
Shed them? that would be embarassing in front of a whole crowd of people. Ick!
Quote: Men want to ML in order to feel emotionally connected
Which is the reason why he won't/doesn't want to. So I don't think it will come up between us. HA! a funny! Well, it's not really funny at all. He doesn't want an emotional connection to me. He's picked the pieces out of this 'marriage' that he wanted to keep, and the rest is tossed in a corner.
Tomorrow night is fine. Good Luck on your homework!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Two months ago, I tried that, for the last time. H begrudgingly obliged, but his words during the action cut me deep, I begin to cry right now still thinking of it. And the 2 years prior to that of mostly rejection, and again his words to hurt me. I really don't have it in me to try on the pain again, while he thinks he is doing me such a service. I miss what we had, what I thought was good, but H has squelched those thoughts as well, and quite bluntly, the manner he has 'delivered' his services with an attitude is just not worth my mental torture. ----------------------------------
Whew! What a day at work. Big party for work this weekend, and the guy who is supposed to be coordinating it was off on a business trip until today. We talked about lots of details before he left, I offered my assistance to do things while he was gone, but he had it handled. Yeah right! Until today when he got back and fell apart and good old WCW bailed him out. Ah well, I knew it was going to happen, I should have prepared myself better and cleared my calendar for him today. It was fun actually, the poor guy couldn’t hardly count money he was so frazzled.
I finally invited to H to come to the party with me. Not that I wasn’t planning on him coming all along, I just never issued a formal invite. I know he saw the signs and postings when he stopped in by my work. And today I found out one of the other ladies husbands already talked to my H about it, so I know he knows but he doesn’t know I know he knows. Now he does. I called and left him a message today, said I was trying to come up with some ingenious creative way to invite him and keep it a surprise, but I found out I was busted anyway so just accept this as a formal invitation to join me. Please reply. No response, and nothing yet tonight since he’s been home, which hasn't been long. But, I didn’t expect a response, especially on a Thursday, which is why it was so special to call and leave a message on OWB day. Or is that any other day of the week too. Cringe, let it go.
The company I work for was bought buy a larger company a year ago. Now the larger company just made another very large acquisition. I guess it’s all good, especially if my check keeps coming. We have already seen our own division go from laying off and working with less than a skeleton crew to now hiring to accomplish all the work in just 7 days a week! Benefits are all changing, it’s a nightmare trying to keep it straight for just myself, plus answer all the questions everyone else has. Yikes! The fiscal year is also changing, which means I did not get a raise at the beginning of the calendar year as normal, no mention of anything coming up. I asked my boss, and he said he was just trying to track down the information and would get back to me. Last year I was the only one from the management team to get a raise, and the talk was the other managers were even expecting a cut in pay, that’s how bad business was just a year ago. I think/know I received a raise 1)my boss is a great guy and knew that H was laid up and I really needed the money and 2) we had successfully completed a huge conversion in my department and I deserved more money. I hope he has a long term memory.
Last night H got home earlier than he has been, I was outside yet working with a couple of horses, and when I rode my own horse he stopped in the arena to watch and advise. Well, first he asked if it was okay to advise. I said sure!, but be kind. He gave me tips on what he saw as improvement areas, and also complimented on some things my horse is doing very well. Yeah! I also brought up about some other things, the young lady that wants to work here this summer, things about the future and stuff that needs to be decided. He got quiet, didn’t say much. The rest of the night he was quiet and withdrawn, and went to sleep early. I was up way too late working on things for the event this weekend.
This week I have been doing a lot of thinking, drifting, dreaming……I’ve been letting it happen rather than shutting it off. It’s helped me reconnect to my feelings, which I think I have discovered aren’t all that bad. I’ve worked so hard at shutting them off for so long, I don’t want to keep doing that. I want to live with feeling, and that will include pain. I’ve also been cranking up some old favorite tunes, croaking along, and even dancing around the house alone. (Anyone remember ScottiesHeart? She did that a lot! Wonder how she is…) H hates to dance, and while he used to occasionally suffer thru a slow dance with me, he won’t anymore. (Quote - Real men don’t dance.) I’ve been up and down all week, one hour to the next, and am maybe hopefully swinging up to stay in the air for a while again. On this swing, I believe I am closer to facing the fact that my H really isn’t going to love me again like a husband and wife should be. That we will never have a marriage made of love anymore, it is just business and roommates. That’s all he wants from me. He’s told me he doesn’t think he can ever feel for me again, and I just have not accepted it, until lately. I’ve been struggling and riding hard up hill. It makes me sad, and I have tears as I type this. But the truth and reality is that it has been 2 years since I first asked H what was wrong, and he told me he didn’t know if he was staying a week, a month, or a year. Since that time we’ve gone from bad to worse, back up to bad, and have had a few upstrokes but mostly lower lows. We are further apart physically, emotionally, business wise, financially, pretty much you name it there’s a Grand Canyon gap. What’s next? I don’t know. I don’t suppose I’m unsaddling yet, but I don’t how much more the pony can carry.
All this Valentines stuff in the stores, it makes me want to puke this year. I used to love it, love the day, the excitement, buying or making the exact right card. I don’t expect to get anything, and I am not sure yet about giving. It’s odd how the box of chocolate spelling I LUV U I gave H last year just made it to the top of a stack of his stuff. Where did it come from? I just noticed it, I thought it got thrown out right away, now it should be anyway.
Honest, my PMA feels good. I am just facing reality.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I saw alot of positives in there. you buried them in negatives. Even twisted positives into negatives. Come on Girl! Take your own advise.
Last night H got home earlier than he has been he stopped in the arena to watch and advise Well, first he asked if it was okay to advise also complimented on some things my horse is doing very well
I heard this on the radio this morning - If you’re waiting for a hug you might want to pack a lunch.
So cool! It was snowing this morning, the great big fluffy flakes. I went out and stood in it, and looked up, awesome. It feels like being in a snow globe all shook up. Totally awesome. And yup, just like a kid, I tried catching some flakes on my tongue. It was contagious, and before I knew it I had company, and more company. Fun.
You are correct, shocked. Some of those are positives. He was home a little earlier, which means he was home before 7pm, that makes it one night so far this year. This isn’t his busy time of year, he used to say he hated working late in the evenings, the bank account doesn’t look like he is drowning in revenue from late night appointments. Really, after over two years, is that a positive? Or a statement.
The horse advice, I appreciate his reputation and opinion and knowledge. Our horses are a business, not just a hobby. The better I do with my horse, the better it reflects on both of us and our reputation, the better our business, the better the income. Just as I helped, advised, critiqued him as he was developing our stallion into a World Champion. That stallion now has over a dozen World Champion titles in various events, in just two years, the toughest two years of our marriage. H did the riding, I did the behind the scene support. We are a great team, in the horse business. That’s never been disputed, that’s a part of our business marriage that H has left available to me. There were the times that he would seek me out when he came home, walk to wherever I was working with a horse, and I would stop and lean down for a kiss. THAT is what is missing from our real marriage.
Another tickle/wrestlefest in bed last night. Good? Positive? Probably. Does it mean we’ll grow old together? It would be nice.
I want to be positive, I want to be happy, and the people I work with keep asking what drugs I am on that I am happy and ‘giggly’. They even asked if H called and responded to my invitation which should prompt me to be happy. Nope, haven’t heard from him. But you know what? I did something for me, to make myself happy, and I played in a snow globe this morning.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW don't you just hate it when I justify away the positives that you point out? So, next time he seeks you out (like he used and just did again-just like the old days) lean over and give him a kiss on the cheek, doesn't have to be passionate, just a thank you.
Justify away! and look at yourself in the process. If you pointing out my positives helps you be positive about yourself, I am ecstatic! Go for it girl! And how are you?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks!