This is a rough time, especially for a tough cowgal like yourself. It's OK to have a bad PMA day, to want to not initiate and to want to stay out of his way. You can only push yourself so much b/f you need a break to regain the strength to go at it again. You've demonstrated incredible resolve and determination, respect and compassion. In an odd way, so has your H. You and I both know that there were a LOT of things said in anger, painful things, and I think rehashing is not good. It's left a scar, but let it heal. He was hurting when he said that....if he really felt that way, don't you think he would have left.
I know that you're sick of this. At times, I want to clod your H over the head myself. BUT, in his own way, he's trying, really. I look back at the days that my H came home each night and came to bed, came home at all, and I think of how painful it must have been to do that small thing. Same with your H.
I know it's hard to constantly push your own pain, needs and anger down to always understand and be patient of his. It's unfair. It's OK to feel that way, to vent, to journal here, to cry, to want to lock the door and melt down. It's healthy. At some point you're gonna get sick of crying and want to get up and move on and see the sun again. You've been pushing yourself, dragging yourself through every hump and hard day. It's OK to have a bad one.
I know that finding solace in baby steps for SO LONG is annoying...esp. when you've gotten there b/f and gone back. BUT, they are baby steps. Lots of them. Ooodles of them. Gather them and feel some peace with that.
Stop trying to find trends with time of OWB. May be trends, may not be trends. May be that he feels the same way, but she's not in the picture...you don't know and he's human, not predictable. Also, is there anything you can do? No....just let it be. Focus on you, your life. It will come to you in time...believe in that. It won't stay like this forever.
Take solace in this: your H could be faking being happy with you...complacent. Settling, putting up with it. You could do the same. You could have lived like that until a day came when you both realized that it was dead, and not coming home was easier and had nothing special. Instead, I see that you and your H have a great deal of integrity and value for your life and M. You were unhappy, you voiced it, you made changes, you are going through the motions of sorting it out, you're not hiding it from the other...basically, you're not settling for anything else. Sleeping on the couch to say that things are NOT OK now is better than sleeping with you and pretending like nothing is happening b/c you stopped caring to say anything long ago. It's sincere, brutal, but sincere. For that, I'm happy for you. I know that you are too.
This will end. Things will get back in some ways, and some ways, they'll get better. It's been a long time for the 2 of you to walk out now. There is obviously something for both of you that pulls you back. You mention that H has a resolve of steel and can't fake things...so don't you think that if living with you was truly unbearable, he would have left, no matter what? I think so.
You know what - you ASSumed your h's refusal to watch the show with you was a rejection rather than maybe he just really wanted to go to sleep. I think the fact that he came back later with TWO gifts, the coffee and the laptop, is a pretty good sign that you misinterpreted the first interaction?
Sorry about the down things, but there are ups too. Coffee was nice, and he stayed. If you don't want his sloppy seconds, take them and sell them. Stuubborn, yes you are. He knows where the bedroom is, and who knows whats going on in his head when he's roaming the halls. Did you say that your bedroom is upstairs? if he is downstairs, he has to have some reason to wander up. I am telling you that it would be a huge step for him to walk into that room while you are asleep. A safe place would be much easier. Don't focus on the negatives, focus on the positives, and wrap some duct tape around your hand and that plastic spoon. Your a stubborn gal, try to be more stubborn about the goal ratheer than the path to get there.
Hey, send ME that laptop! I'll fix it up. He he! I just got your message a little bit ago, I never even heard the phone ring. Sorry I missed you. I did not go to the ER, I slept a while and woke up with just my neck still hurting and occasionally I'd turn wrong and that point in my head would throb a little. No idea but I'm feeling better now and glad I didn't go in, that would have been a bad bill to have. I'll keep an eye on it.
So yeah, I agree....it is almost like he is trying to "bring you gifts" without seeming like he is. Take advantage of that. Profusely thank him. Then return the favor. It is gonna take some time to build that intimacy again and it sounds like neither of you really know where to start and neither really wants to be the first one to take the awkward first step. It will happen though, keep being patient.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
I have lots to say, and nothing to say. Mostly confused. About me, H, M, R, history, future. What do I know? nothing. For how long? most of the marriage. What I thought I knew, obviously I didn't. We never had what I thought we had. I can still dream my romantic version of it, but it is only my dream, no one shares it with me.
My weekend got better as it rolled along, H's didn't. Little things, I don't think he enjoyed himself so much, but that's just my opinion. He ended up by short turning the horse trailer into a fuel pump, more damage to the trailer. Not a big deal, but he gets pretty irate at himself for stuff like that. Just like when he did with my truck last fall, dinged up the headlight and grill (which is not fixed as he said he would take care of). And last spring when he totalled my last truck and $7000 damage to the trailer, and then a speeding ticket a couple weeks later. He really is a good driver, but has had a streak of bad things happen. And it's showing up on insurance rates. Anyway, he told me about his newest damage, to the trailer, and he sure is upset about it. Me too, but what can be done after the fact? He can't go back and change what was already done, so we fix it, and move on. Just like what we should be doing to our marriage. Fix it, and move on.
Meetings again today, join me later for more rambling thoughts.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
banging up the trailer has to have had an effect on his mental attitude. It's an excuse for his behavior, but you almost have to make them for him. The romantic version of the past, hold on to it. Just b/c your H has suppressed that, doesn't mean that it wasn't there.
Hugs to you, WCW. Sorry that questions and thoughts are swirling you today. I know you'll feel better soon. Don't look to far ahead, just to the next step.
I agree with others....you're assuming that H has forgotten the romantic version of the past. But has he? Is that what's keeping him going. Sometimes, when it's REALLY hard, the memories of good times are the only thing that keeps you there. You hate to bag all of that so quickly.
I think this may be a little backlash from the great week last week--from being on a high for several days. get that back....think of little positives now, good times from past and get the PMA back. It'll rub off on him and get things jump-started again. Remember, it took him a LOT to reach out to you last week...he needs to see you receptive...not always with a smile pasted on your face, but receptive in many other ways.
I also think the trailer incident shows that he is insecure and uncomfortable when facing an issue that points to your disappointment in his financial abilities....like perceiving that you might think the trailer incident was "just another string of irresponsible moves from H" I know that you've withdrawn from asking anything about his projects for the both of you, finances, etc, but can you change this too (he may perceive this as annoyed apathy), to actions that show detached support?
When he told me about the trailer, I made sure he heard me say that he was such a good driver, and that it is very uncharacteristic of him to do something like that. I only saw it in the dark last night, it's worse in the daylight. Ouch. Even so, we can't change what was happening before it happened. We can't change that it did happen. We can only fix it, and move on.
Trigger today – more useless memories. I took off work this morning and went to a training session to qualify to be a Respite Care provider for families that need a break from taking care of kids or adults living with them that cannot be left alone. I’ve volunteered with this organization in the past, but in the capacity of offering a place of Respite and host a “Day at the Ranch”, organize people and horses and a petting zoo and activities for the day. The family can drop off their members with disabilities or handicaps, and we give horse rides, hay rides, have a lunch. Rumor got out that it was so much fun that most times the whole family stayed, instead of just dropping off the person that needs care. Today I had training so I could be called to go to other homes, provide respite care, and also get paid for it. During the training, another person gave an example of how to evacuate people in an emergency, and referred to a small town about 10 miles north of here that was obliterated by a tornado in June, 2004. That triggered a memory of that night, and I drifted off to that night. It was only about 6 weeks after I had found out what had been going on for 9 months already. H and I were at the same meeting, but had gone in separate trucks because he was running late. The meeting was about 20 miles south of home, and adjourned early because of tornado warnings. On the way home I called our friends that lived in that tornado town to check on them. They were ok, but the whole town was out of electricity and their basement was filling with water. I called my nephew, who has a portable generator, and then called H who was following me, to tell him what was up. H said he heard about it, but hadn’t talked to anyone. Baloney, OWB had just moved to her apartment in that town, and when I called him the first time he didn’t answer. I know, yes, I KNOW, he was on the phone with her. Checking in her, as a friend, is nice, it's the right thing to do in an emergency. The next thing he said is that as an official weather spotter he was going straight to the town and see how to help. I said NO, WE are going to pick up this generator from my nephew, and take it to our friends, they need help. We are going together, you are not going without me. He wiggled hard to get out of going together, I would not accept a no. I saw no sense in me going into a dangerous situation alone, and him too, and I even asked if he called OWB to check on her. We did both get in one truck and leave for the tornado ripped city, and on the way there came across a farmer with cattle skewed all over the roads and fields, amongst the remnants of his barn. We helped gather up some cattle and get them back home, and continued to the town, and managed to get thru the barriers to our friends and help them. Got the generator going, water pumping out of the basement, refrigerator plugged in, and it was about 24 hours before their electricity came back on. Now the wee hours of the morning, and we went back home. We even went to the same bed together to sleep. By the time I finished this memory and drifted back to class, I had to figure out what I missed so I could still pass the test. When do these memories end? When do the triggers quit firing? Ever?
PMA really isn't that bad, it just sounds like it. More rambling to follow……
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
BUT, in his own way, he's trying, really. I look back at the days that my H came home each night and came to bed, came home at all, and I think of how painful it must have been to do that small thing. Same with your H. 