What boundaries/consequences are you setting for your XH not meeting your needs? You are in a "power" position at this point. He wanted to come back....why? I believe you need to make a condition of his staying a boundary. That boundary being that he needs to do xyz. Give him specifics you need of him to meet your needs.
Right now as someone else mentioned....he is walking all over you. You are allowing him to stay, and allowing him to stay without meeting your needs. You have a backbone hon, use it. It's not easy when it comes to a one-on-one relationship I know. I don't know what type of an attorney you are, but sometimes it's much easier to get up in public and argue for someone else than it is to do it for yourself with someone you care for, but it's necessary.
He came home for a reason (or reasons), what were those?
I thought the mantra was that you can change only yourself, that is, try to work on your own issues, improve yourself and act in new ways towards your partner, on the theory that the other person will change in reaction to your changes. Or did you mean individual counseling for me?
Basically, the problem is that H is pretty content with the way things are, so long as I don't rock the boat by raising any of my "issues" about affection/sex. His attitude, put bluntly, is "if you're unhappy, leave." And if I left, I would really have to leave and cut off contact with H. During my single days, my close bond and frequent communication with H, was (understandably) one of the biggest problems in any other relationship I formed.
I am not one to believe that if you change yourself the M will change with it. Some people believe in that theory but I think it takes BOTH people to make changes in order for the M to be successful. Changes in yourself, GAL, and so forth are wonderful to work on YOU but not really the M. As far as ind. counseling for you, that is a personal choice only you can make. Your H does not want you to rock the boat but you are not having your needs met. So, you are in the driver's seat, not him. Set the boundary for yourself, like others have been discussing. "If he does not want to have a fulfilling sex life, I will not stay in the R/M." If he is absolutely unwilling to change, then you either give up on your want/need or you get out. I know it is easier said than done but that is the simplified choice. Don't beat your head against a wall for years to come.
While it is often true that just changing yourself doesn't necessarily mean the M changes...it's often also true that if you make changes within yourself the other person finds themselves making changes too...as a reaction, and then the M often gets better as result
As for the use of porn by victims of sexual abuse... porn creates no intimacy issues and it keeps the user of it from being vulnerable in any way. Typically for sex abuse survivors, the physical act of sex is not the problem, nor is their desire. All the emotions the act itself 'triggers' is what's the problem. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that your xH's problem is with an old defense mechanism that was at one point very useful and necessary for him... but is now getting in the way of him enjoying a true and intimate connection with you.
It is very difficult to overcome, and in many instances, the prognosis isn't very high... but it CAN be overcome, if he wants to face his demons.
And if this is a man that you love everything else about, and he CAN'T overcome this, then yes, I would discuss with him your idea about finding your sex elsewhere. For him to expect you to remain faithful and sex-starved IS something you really need to set a boundary on... especially now that you are not married.
Well, guys, I tried to be more assertive and to put into effect some of your suggestions. Not much luck. In fact, on the contrary.
Corri: I did read that article that you referred me to, and it really did give me some valuable insights into how H's reactions were at one point adaptive and useful and helped him to survive what was obviously a hellish situation.
So, I decided to try and express that I was not happy and my needs weren't being met. The conversation went something like this:
H: Well, I guess we're just different. You like affection and I don't like affection. You like having people touching you and I don't like people touching me. In fact, I'd be happy if no-one ever had any physical contact with me again.
L: I understand you feel that way, but is that how you really want to feel? Maybe you could change.
H: I don't want to change. I'm happy the way I am and if you don't like it, you can just get out.
L: Well, if you feel that way, why did you want to get back together with me?
H: It was just for our son. If it weren't for him, I'd wish I'd never met you.
L: Well, you know, I'm not going to stay forever in a relationship with no affection and no sex.
H: Fine. Go out and find some other man. I'm sure you won't have any trouble. I just don't want to hear about it. Now, please stop whining (at this point I was in tears) and leave me alone, because I need to read this article about the revisionist analysis of the signifier in post-modern structuralist art criticism.
Coincidently, I then got a call from an ex-boyfriend who suggested that we go out for "cocktails" next week. I'm not so sure about the "tails" aspect, but the "c*ck" part of the agenda sure sounds good to me.
I think you already knew and he has pretty much told you now that you are on a hiding to nothing. Kick him out (it was he who moved back with you wasn't it?). He is getting his needs met - i.e. someone to keep house, a way of seeing his son whenever he wants to, and no need to feel lonely because there are others in the house around him. You are not getting yours met. It is a bum deal and if I were you I would call his bluff (it is bluff of course).
My H is quite similar in many ways, he likes to be alone in a house full of people. Your xH is using you and in some ways you are using him too. I notice from your remarks about what it is you like about him they include the fact that he is good looking and highly intelligent. Well kudos to you for bagging a man like that! That is what you want the world to think isn't it?
My sister was married to a very good looking and highly successful business man for 15 years. They fought like cat and dog, they did not enjoy the same things and he never once made her O. Now they are D and she is with a middling looking guy on a middling income but they spend wild passionate nights together and the rest of the time they are splitting their sides with laughter. Your xH is a selfish bully and you are letting him get away with it because it looks good to the outside world.
BTW I can really relate to your need for intellectual company but you can find that elsewhere (join a bookclub or a debating society).
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Since you are married at this point, either don't do the "date" or kick your H to the curb.
If your H got back together with you strictly for you S's sake....there is nothing in it for you, IMPO....tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. Don't put up with this behavior. He just gave you a glimps into your future, is that the future you want?
IMPO, you can feel free to go out with this xbf you mentioned, but you need to be free of your H first. Then you can be free to find someone who does want you for the awesome woman you are!
GEL They are divorced, but yes, living together, so it may be a little awkward to start dating while he is still in the house. Not that it isn't awkward now.
Quote: GEL said: Since you are married at this point, either don't do the "date" or kick your H to the curb.
Well, actually, we're not married anymore. Although we were married for about 10 years, we got officially, legally divorced in early 2000 (and I have the papers to prove it). So, at the momement, we're just living together.
But your larger point is right, and I really want to believe (despite my apparently Mariana-trench level self-esteem) that I could do better than H.
The main thing standing in my way is the fact that during the time H and I were divorced and not living together, I dated a bunch of guys and, even though most of them involved only 3 to 5 dates, all of our relationships (like every relationship) had problems and definite incompatabilities. Different problems from the ones I have with H, but the whole experience made me think, well, maybe H isn't so bad and maybe I just need to accept the bad with the good. I know I'm kind of rambling, but part of me thinks that maybe I should try to improve my relationship with for H, who, despite my descriptions of him, does have many good points, rather than trade him in for some new guy who has different good points, but will also, inevitably, have a lot of bad characteristics that H just doesn't have.
