Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy The Other Side of the Mountain

Yes, it's a wonder we are all not insane. Come to think of it, I am. But the WAS's do those things. Heck, we all do. From one moment to the next I bet you are strong and ready to live without him and then a dripping puddle of goo and then somewhere in between. And just like him, just because at one moment you have one feeling doesn't mean you will never have another.

You have grown much Hope. H sees it and it makes him think. You have a very strong and smart set of pals here (Lisa and the gang) to keep you straight. He won't know what hit him - bring it on.

I truly love you guys. You make me feel so much better. Really.

Sassy, good idea; I'll let him lead the conversation. I'll have different things prepared to say, depending on where the talk goes. I'm really not intending to have some big R. talk; I just felt it might be important to him if he heard me say, "I hear you!" because he mostly thinks I don't.

Vinces, to answer your question, H. never really brought up a divorce; he suggested a legal separation but did not push the issue. We are going to split up our finances for now. Over a week ago, I met with H. in person and he suggested all this, he seemed very final and negative about us, etc. Said some crazy stuff:
-What he's looking for in a R. right now doesn't require a lot of trust.
-Gave me the impression he has not been faithful to o.w.
-Doesn't want to live with anyone, share things with anyone
and so on. Later that night, he called me very late. During that phone conversation he was all over the map, one minute restating that he wasn't coming back, the next telling me he just needed some time. It's like he couldn't stick to one thought process or something.
Al, thanks so much for the compliment. Sometimes I still feel so lousy that I can't see how I've grown; I'm so glad it shows here. I'm trying so hard to hold it together and figure out my life from here. It's unfolding a little at a time.

Quote:

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The downside is that it's another step away from any reconciliation. Now we're splitting up finances...this will probably lead to more split ups, I'm sure. It feels more and more like we're headed for divorce.

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Hang in there Hopie... For every step forward, there are four or five lateral steps, and sometimes a shuffle back.

Just keep your HOPE. K?

HUGGGGGSSSSS.

TTS

I put the two together and got a beautiful pink sapphire heart shaped necklace that I'd been eyeing for the longest time (it was also on sale!). I have it on as a reminder---I must love myself enough to get through this!


Hope ~ that is just beautiful! And on sale too, it was meant to be yours.

Sometimes I still feel so lousy that I can't see how I've grown; I'm so glad it shows here. I'm trying so hard to hold it together and figure out my life from here. It's unfolding a little at a time.


Hope, if you ever doubt your growth through this, go back and read your first posts. I did this myself and was amazed.


Hang in there

Hey hope-
Just checking in with you this morning...hope all is well. I'm sorry to hear that your H wants to have the financial talk...been there. But, to be honest, things with my H got better after it...if that makes any sense. Just be prepared with what YOU want. And i agree with Sassy...don't let him pressure you into making any decisions...please? Don't make the same mistake i did. As for telling him that you hear him...definitely get a sense of his mood. You might want to say something like, "i did a lot of thinking and i want you to know that i do hear what you're saying and i understand that you are not coming back." I would try to make it as short and simple as possible. Anything more may lead to a R discussion that you don't really want to have. And it will probably just pressure him. We may not think that what we are saying is pressure, but they are on a whole different planet with this.

I do agree with everyone...you do sound stronger every day. I think we get to a point where we realize that we need to be strong in order to survive. Take care today...hope you have a good day.

Hi,

H. called me last night; it was a very brief call, mostly to give me updates on our shared account again. He asked how I was; I made some light conversation. I asked him how he was doing, and he gave me a reluctant, “All right.” I said, “How are things going?” His reply, “Tolerable.” Wow. He sounds so thrilled with life, doesn’t he? He was working and someone needed him, so that was the end of our call. He closed with, “Take care.” which replaced “I love you” a long time ago.
I am hoping that once we split the account, he might call me with a better reason other than to just give me updates. I would like to know he’s calling to really see how I’m doing, rather than have it be all business every time.
There is something I really don’t get. If he’s so sure he was unhappy here, why when we talk does he show me how miserable he still is? Why not at least try to put on a happy act? Isn’t he just proving he’s made a mistake?

I would like to know he's calling to really see how I'm doing, rather than have it be all business every time.

Perhaps that's what he's partly doing while under the guise of calling on business matters. Are you expecting him to word it a certain way, as in "So tell me, how's life? What are you up to nowadays?" He did ask how you were... that's an opening "bid" right there.

There is something I really don't get. If he's so sure he was unhappy here, why when we talk does he show me how miserable he still is? Why not at least try to put on a happy act? Isn't he just proving he's made a mistake?

Maybe. That's his journey for now, and if that's what he's experiencing, more power to him, do nothing to deter that journey for him. And if he's not putting on a "happy act" when talking to you, so much the better.

Here's a great suggestion for you, if I must say so. Now you go ahead and fashion for yourself a more active, interesting life. Go out and do stuff, get involved in new projects, follow your passions. Foremost, you do this for you and to live your life and fill it with wonderful things. When in contact with hubby, drop just a few crumbs of what you're up to. Maybe this coming weekend, if I get to meet up with all of you guys coming into NYC, I'll tell you about the "curious monkey and the shiny camp" theory, if you haven't heard about it yet, or if I don't bore you with it.

What I'm saying is, if he feels his life isn't going anywhere he expected, and you show some small glimpses of you living your life wonderfully without him (not too many details), he may start comparing his lot with "what could've been" with your life, (and by omitting lots of details and remaining vague) letting his imagination paint vivid pictures for him of what he's losing out on, and be drawn to where his lot in life seems better.

I’ve been doing better recently than in past months. I’m enjoying myself more at work, cooking healthy (and yummy) meals for myself, talking with and seeing more friends, etc. The best thing I’ve been doing is thinking ahead, about what I will do if this doesn’t work out. I am slowly accepting that it may not. If I am staying here for a while, then I plan to take a course this summer, just to get back into things. If I move, then once I get settled I will look into it near where I’m moving to. Either way, it’s something I do plan to work on. Hopefully by the summertime, my mind will be back to normal; no way could I have concentrated on studies any earlier than that.
Someone described this as feeling “frozen” and I would say that is precisely how I have felt for months. It was the strangest thing; never experienced anything like this before. I’m better, but I still have moments like this. Is it from shock, I wonder?
I also read on someone else’s thread that we need to release the outcome of all this. I know I need to work on that extensively. Sometimes I will miss my H. so very much it literally hurts; then other times I feel that I just want to move on and see what else is out there.