Well I sent the letter...nothing like enpowering the WAW...as expected no response to the letter from last night...I even text her this morning "just making sure you got my e-mail last night...any way we can stop this train?" still no response...sooo I started the train...It will be filed on MOnday...I have been sick for two days. Not because I ended it, because I really didn't she did by saying that she didn't have the energy or the urge to work on our marriage...kinda made my decision for me...Oh and she did not want to stop seeing OM.
It is such a sad sitch...we were so happy and we had everything going for us...she is still running...
Question for the board...she told the MC after I left that she tried to establish contact with me but I was not receptive (going dark)...this might just have been her way of saving face...but do you all think that I continue to go dark during this time of D?
Question for the board...she told the MC after I left that she tried to establish contact with me but I was not receptive (going dark)...this might just have been her way of saving face...but do you all think that I continue to go dark during this time of D?
Ah the old bait/switch...she's going to put the blame on YOU so she doesn't have to accept any responsibility for the current state of the M and the potential D.
Things that make you go hmmmm...
Continue to go dark? I don't know honey...the letter wasn't going you being dark, but you had to do it to cleanse your heart, right? Because that's the only reason I can see having done it. She's not receptive right now...maybe later. What does your Therapist suggest?
Sassy, You're right the letter wasw totally self motivated and really was not expecting anything to come of it...I had just been dark for so long and felt like I had to get some stuff off my chest. Plus it is on paper...so I know she will save it and even if it means nothing now, someday it will.
My MC is weak...she is nice but she is one of those who wants to explore the past to death and then we have no time left for the present sitch. She is not one to give advice...she says what do you want to do?...really tired of that...at least you all give me some feedback...I should be sending you all $125 per hour.
So bringing back full circle...Do you think I should continue to go dark? I got so insecure today when I found out what W said about not being responsive to her communication attempts, I about through DB out the window and started a full blown Win her back romance assalt. But deep down I don't think that would work either...that is why I looking for feedback from people I respect and trust.
Update...no update...still no contact with W...weekends really such when you are by yourself...W has been at OM house all weekend...of course...now she can freely have open R with him because now she is getting D. I hope she is happy at least...I hope one of us is gaining happiness through all this.
Ok...I made it through another weekend...still no contact on either side. She must really want this D. Friends think she is really mad at me because I'm just not giving her cake and eat it too anymore...
I think they are right that she is really pissed but because I told her that I was going to be seeking financial support for all of our bills and that she could run away from the M but not debts. I don't think she likes that very much...I think she thought that she could just walk away, grab some of our savings (not much there) and start over with just "her" money and she could do whatever she wants and buy whatever she wants. Sorry...not how it works! I'm so suprised that she hasn't called and tried to negotiate out of paying...must mean she has a L and I'm in for a dogfight...fortunatly I have the truth and loyalty on my side and not lies and infidelity.
It seems I am just a few steps behind you in our journey! I was going to call the L today but I still have not had the will to do so! I still am not ready for that next step. I guess I will let it go for awhile and see what happens. If she wants to initiate it she can! Vince you are astrong man and wll get through this! I am watching your sitch closely because we are on the same path!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
One week ago was the last time I spoke to my W and that was at the final MC where I dropped the big D...She is really getting me back allright...she has still made no contact with me nor do I think it will be coming.
L called me yesterday and asked me for W address and I told her that I did not have it since she moved out...because I wanted to "give her privacy/freedom"...she said that she needed the address so she would be served (ouch! Seems so real now).
So I had needed a couple of other items to discuss so I called yesterday afternoon knowing I would get her VM. When I heard her voice saying her first and last name (my name) it crushed me all over again...It just hit me so odd to hear her say a name that will be no longer.
When I called I said that I had a couple of things to talk about 1) we had an offer on our investment prop and I need her to sign the contract 2) she has some work boxes that have been delivered to the house and 3) I need to get her apartment address and she could e-mail me or call which ever she wished. I said that I hope all is well and take care.
Still have not heard back from her...She is going to ruin this offer from this buyer on our property and really put us in a financial pinch having to continue paying another mortgage payment...she's in lala land with OM and isn't thinking consequesnces...but has she ever through this whole thing...I have decided to give it today and if she does not call me then I will call her tomorrow and explain how important it is that she call me about the contract.
Friends think she may be stalling because she knows why I want her address (to be served) and she is either stalling to make sure that this is what she wants or stalling to give her more time to get her own ducks in a row for a battle...I think the latter.
Update: W called me last night and I did not take the call due to me GAL having drinks with friends...she left no message...hmmm?
So I call her back today and we talk on the phone for about 30 min! She was asking about why I needed her address and I explained the lawyer needed it...she said oh. She then went on to ask about the finances...she was not happy paying for bills that I'm asking her to pay in the D...I said that I was sorry but I could not handle all the bills myself. I then asked her if she had gotten a lawyer and she said no. I said are you planning to...she said I don't know.
She then proceed to tell me that she felt it was unfair that I pushed her in a corner at last MC and that she felt like I gave her no options...hmmm (thanks MC who told me to ultimatum)...I validated her concerns and blamed it on the MC for telling me that MC felt that I had no other choice.
I told her that, I can stop or put D on hold with one phone call...all she has to do is say the word. she says that she just doesn't know if she can give 110% which is what it will take in order to revive our M and she again mentioned having to quit her job due to OM...It was almost like she was testing her boundries as to what she would be coming back to if she decided. I told her that I know that her job would be her choice and even if she quit that would not mean that she would never see OM again...I said that would have to be her choice as who she wanted to be with and if it was too uncomfortable for her, it wouls be her call. (hindsite...don't know if that is a good idea...that would be really tough on me but I think she got the picture that I was trying)
i went on to say that I could forgive and she would need to forgive me also for us to move past this...i said that I just read an article on renewing vows and how popular it is becomming...I told her that i would see us doing that if it worked out...She said..."Oh Yes we would definatly need to do that"! (Did someone just see a crack in the armour?) I know not to read that much into it but I think the detaching is working...everytime we don't speak for a period of time our conversations flow well.
I probabily talked too much R but when we got off the phone I said look if you feel like talking this weekend call or if you feel like getting a bite to eat, let me know and that was it...I don't think I'll hear from her this weekend (not planning on it anyway)...
Confused on the D though...I think I am going to hold off a couple of days on giving the L W's address (so she can't be served) just to see if anything happens with W.
I can feel her on the fence...I think she is scared of the work that it would take...she mentioned that the easy way would be to D and just start over and that is my concern...W is not the hardest worker and she is likley to take the easy way. I think she is also concerned about losing her independence by staying with me...she still doesn't understand how to have independence within a M.
My plan is to continue detaching and GAL? Any thoughts from my wise bb friends? Does anyone see any postitives? And I don't need to be told NO MORE ULTIMATUMS!
just re-reading my post and some thoughts were going through my head...
How would you like to go through life knowing that you decided to take the "easy way out" and always wonder how good it could have been. W actually said that...To me, that sounds like the decision is still possible and it is less about me being this terrible person and more about is it worth the work or not.
I would hate to go through life wondering if I gave up something great because I wanted to take the "easy way out".
and how about the "we would definatly need to renew our wedding vows" W said?
sounds like she has been thinking about it...
One way or the other, I will be fine and I will continue to detach and plan for the worst but hope for the best.
Well...still no call from W since Fri...was hoping she might wish to continue our talk but I didn't call...I did text her this morning to let her know that I really need her to sign our real estate contract so we don't lose our buyer...we'll see if she responds...she is at OM and probabily doesn't want to respond till she leaves.
I guess my hope that things were fizzling with OM/co-worker were false...
On a postive GAL note...read a good book a lot of you have read and recommended..."make up don't break up" very insightful...W is def a distancer as i guess most WAS are. I suggest it to everyone that has not read it yet. It really shows the "dance" that we are all involved in.
