Quote: Yes! It puts you in a place of your own, a center, from which you can be a rock, from which you can draw your own happiness. The freedom that it enables you to experience is tremendous, and the effect of that freedom in how you now relate to another person, in effect, giving them that freedom to be themselves, is frickin' phenomenal. Truly, less is more. Wonderful things happen when you let the bird fly that otherwise would not have when your hands are so tightly gripped around it.
NOW THAT is quotable. That, more than your expansion on the definition of detachment on my thread, sums up how I see this ideal. It is liberating.
One of the things that has helped me detach is realizing tha what anyone does or doesn't do isn't a personal attack against me.
We all have emotional poison built up from our past experiences, buying into what people tell us we are, what we can do, etc. So we wind up with negative self images. The pain we feel in our hearts is the pain we inflict on the world.
I have come to realize that even though I thought I knew my H, how could I really know him? I saw him through my own eyes, based on my own ideals of who he should be, could be. I knew only *maybe* 10% of what was actually going on with him. He had so many ideas, so many issues that he wasn't even dealing with. So he has this emotional poison that is being inflicted on me, not because of who I am, but because of who he is. Realizing that has helped me to let go, just a little bit, of my pain. And realize that all of this horrible A has little to do with me and is just a symptom of the pain H has carried around for a long time.
sure, i could have done so many things on my end to work on the relationship but ultimately he had to open up his eyes to the truths of his own past and history and realize the trauma he is acting out.
H wanted to believe that he had no control over his feelings. And I get that. But at the same time, our feelings are honest, they allow us to follow the emotion to the lie that we tell ourselves to make us feel that way.
but how do u detach in one day like u say you have done...is it as simple as just a decision
I don't think one detaches all too much in one day, but to what degree one does, depends on the person, I guess. Certainly it's something that needs cultivating, like any other habit or behavior, and the acid tests will come, some easier than others. But like anything else, it's about practice, practice, practice.
And yes, like many things, it starts with a decision.
GratefulMama's post tells exactly what she had to change insofar as her viewpoint in order to be successful at her efforts to detach. BTW, GM, love that thought you posted elsewhere about how we do love others as ourselves...
No, it was not one day. It was realizing that I needed to do this for a LONG time and it was what was holding me back from being happy with myself, and even my family/wife. It has been one day since I made the decision and I am taking stock of the changes that may already be occurring. It's WAY too soon to tell what the hell is going on with me. I have NO idea if I can remain like this. Like I said in my thread (i think), I am going to be tested, this I know. I could be in denial (see my thread), I could just be at a point where things are calm and I am mistaking it for detachment. I don't know, but I am going to trust myself that I am doing what's best for me, and in my month here, years of casually thinking about these things, and the reading I've done lately, I have learned that getting rid of my control issues and detaching are the most important things I need to do to improve my life, and yes, save my marriage if it's possible. Like NYS said (paraphrasing here...lol) it begins with a decision and (my words now) commitment to yourself to follow it through to the best of your ability. Sorry for the rant today. I guess it comes in waves...
"I could just be at a point where things are calm and I am mistaking it for detachment"
I know what u mean...I thought I was detaching and then this moring I feel like I'm at square one again...I'm feeling myself counting the min before 6:30 MC appt...so much anxiety...not depressed...just looking for the latest update in my sitch...and not knowing where ill be tomorrow...D or light in the tunnel of darkness? I just don't know.
As you all suspected and I suspected W did not want to stop seeing OM...she said that it was not about him...whatever...she is so pathetic...she tried till the very end to say that he is not the reason we are here...and I kept saying I'm not saying I want to reconcile...I was just asking if he is so not a factor, then let's try for 4 weeks to see what happens with us without OM. She was so busted...she didn't know what to say...she rolled her eyes and said how I don't understand and all that stuff...whatever...I mean WHAT EVER!
SHe says that she is getting from OM what she is missing with me since we don't talk anymore...duh...going dark/giveing her sapce she requested...she is just trying to spin this back on me...she says that it is me being controling again. But I was not...MC backed me up...
The appt started out talking about money and how it is hard on her to change her lifstyle...duh!! She started trying to find out where some $ in some accts have gone...Duh! Duh!
I ended the session at 7:30 and it was to go to 8:30...I left telling W that I would be meeting with L on Fri am and that I would sign the papers and she would be served...I also told her that I would be seeking financial support also...she is sooo freaking right now...not only has her lifestyle changed, it's going to get a whole lot worse if she pays monthly nut also...As I told her you can run away from your marriage but you can't run away from your debts...Sorry.
I feel Ok about things believe it or not...It just might be the addreniline and the meds...but I saw where this was heading and it was how I thought all along...a charade. It feels like I have a path now to recovery...I can move on and start to re-build myself and impliment the wonderful things that I have learned through Db.
I know this is just the start of another roller coaster of D and I will have highs and lows...but I will be on the path of recovery, and confident in knowing that W was never willing to reconcile at least while OM was in the picture.
Vince man, you're one of my guys. I really hurt for you right now. I hope you are well and will follow your sitch if you move it. It really hurts to see on of us fall. I know it's not the end of the road, but it is a turning point and one we all hope to never face. I will be thinking of you. I know you've been through a ton of crap this week and I really hope there is a silver lining for you. You do deserve one.
Thanks you for your thoughts...But i have not fallen...just starting a new chapter in my life...one that will be filled with someone who loves me for who I am and hopefully who I can trust. You mentioned I deserve better, thanks...I think I do also.
As for going anywhere on this BB...I know this is the start of a new roller coaster and I believe that a lot of you could learn from what I am going to go through...good and bad so I will stay here...
I still think the reality has not sunk in to her yet...I really think the money thing is going to get to her first...When times get tough and the OM is not of financial means to cure W spending habits she is going to hate life...I really hate that sitch that will prob show its ugly head...I'll have a decision to make at that point...take the spoiled brat back only to have this happen again or move on and run as fast as I can. Who knows maybe I will escape having to make that decision.
