Vince i have to agree with NY on this one! I am the worst trying to take every little positive and make it bigger than it really is! You read my post I am a true over anaylzer! It is hard to stop, and this is where we both hit the ground hard when are expectations are not met!
Under promise then over deliver
Those are positives you received today, and that is great! Take it for what it is, and be happy for the moment and go forward. It is now done and it is step forward to your goal!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Tim, I am a big time overanaylzer...but I was wondering if you see these things as postitive from an outsider view or if I am just looking at things through rose colored glases...just trying to keep my head in check.
It really is a little easier to look at it objectively without emmotion (not that I don't feel for you because i TRULY do) The drive part and coming home is nothing.
The VM that she was considerate and wanted to chat is positive, but just take it for what it is!
The VM change with her last name could be that people are phoning her cell phobe and leaving a message as a wrong #! It is nothing!
If I were in your shoes I would be doing the same thing so hopefully we can continue keeping ourselves "level" as Frank said!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I appreciate your honesty...I need that to keep level...just a little anxiety about MC tomorrow at 6:30...Have no idea what will come out of it...I think it will go really well or real poor and I just don't know which it will be.
Go in with an open mind. You just made me realize something I did that hurt my progress. The first few C sessions we went to together, I approached it that I was just glad to be there, and I was there to listen to my W and support her. The first few went awesome, and then the next 2 sessions I saw it as an opportunity to get at my W and say what about Tim. The C supported me and she also supported my W but she felt ganged up on. Go there and listen to your W and what the C has to say and don't turn it in to a poor "Tim/Vince" session like I did! Now that it is a positive that you and your W are going together! I miss that!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I post so others can learn from my sitch...W had om stay over last night so suffice to say, my above posts were waay off track...it is an amazing feeling...hope.
well I guess I will go to MC tonight and continue with plan "A"...I just need to move on and can't take the pain and mixed messages...here I go down the roller coaster...meds are cool though...felling down but not too bad all things considered.
telling W tonight that I can't take any more of the pain the A is causing me while continueing MC...
as NYS says. it (MC) is likely to have no effect while she is continueing A...she is just not ready for the MC...or it is all a charade and she will never be ready.
Vince (and I can't help but thinking of Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers when I talk to you..lol),
I am having a hard time with this. I am starting to realize that being in the same house with my W DOES have an advantage when trying to detach. In your sitch, you are left to rampant speculation, and you're alone to do it most of the time. Those two things said, I now feel unqualified to give advice to you because I don't know how I would, or will, handle things if my W leaves the house but WTH, when has that ever stopped me before... So, here goes. I am really big on this detachment thing because I am now seeing it as a real life changing process. I now feel it is important to live a healthy life. To go through life with emotional attachments to anyone other than your kids or parents (and I may exclude them) sets us up for unhappiness. It is also important to take the term detachment as NYS put it, as simply NOT coupling your emotions/reactions/actions to someone else's. Nothing more, nothing less. Just don't uncontrollably react to someone else's emotions/actions/words. In your sitch, you are still hanging on every word she says. You are still obsessing over every every thing she does, trying to figure out what it may mean or not. It is natural. I do it, Tim does it, Frank does it, we all do it. I feel funny right now because for the past day and a half (NO TIME AT ALL) I have felt detached and at the same time, more loving towards my wife than ever. I feel that way because I have had to finally admit to myself that I am going to have to make me happy since nobody else is right now, and that is REALLY scary since I have not had to really ever do that before. I don't really know how. What I do know now is that my W is making me sad/angry/hurt but it's only because I personalize her actions and hang on every word she says. I still love my W more that she'll ever know, as I'm sure you do. I fear that by feeling this way, detached, that I will not be able to let her know that. Well, know what, actions speak louder than words and if we can be lovingly detached, we can be there for our W's in a way we probably never were before. We can tend to their emotional needs (or someone we meet later in life) because we are not pulled down by them. I hope this applies to you and it was not just a way for me to spout this stuff again. It really seems to be the missing link in most of us. It is what our WAS did to us really, detached, except they did it out of fear and mistrust instead of love and determination to improve themselves. Please, try to help YOU. Are you seeing a C on your own? If not, I strongly recommend it because in light of your W not really being a full participant in the MC process, you will need to just move forward with Vince's work and hope at some point she can re-join you.
as NYS put it, as simply NOT coupling your emotions/reactions/actions to someone else's. Nothing more, nothing less.
I don't recall putting it quite that way, T.
I have felt detached and at the same time, more loving towards my wife than ever... if we can be lovingly detached, we can be there for our W's in a way we probably never were before. We can tend to their emotional needs (or someone we meet later in life) because we are not pulled down by them.
Yes! It puts you in a place of your own, a center, from which you can be a rock, from which you can draw your own happiness. The freedom that it enables you to experience is tremendous, and the effect of that freedom in how you now relate to another person, in effect, giving them that freedom to be themselves, is frickin' phenomenal. Truly, less is more. Wonderful things happen when you let the bird fly that otherwise would not have when your hands are so tightly gripped around it.
Will have to copy/paste next time or cite it as a paraphrase...my bad. I thought it was the spirit of your words anyway... I will be more precise in the future. These are touchy subjects and I see the problem of misquoting or misunderstanding these things.
