Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy WAW having affair- i'm getting off roller coaster

I feel official...locked out of old thread...still don't know how to link old thread though.

I just had gfathers wake last night. much of the eve fielding qustions as to where W was...that hurt. then to find out (shouldn't be shocked) that W was at OM house but she left car outside instead of hiding it in garage...why...because she knew I was out of town...this along with all her alien actions make me sick.

I look around to all my loving family and I think they are all too good of people to let W be a part of it...and i'm not being hurt or angry...it is just that as arrogant as it sounds, I think i'm too good for her.

well I guess I am on the tail end of this roller coaster...can't say it was a fun ride, but one I will learn and grow from.

she has hurt me too much and too deep. I couldn't sleep last night/this am and I felt the same way I felt when I first found out about A. W does not want me. this is obvious...actions speak louder than words...she has OM stay the night of first great MC session...I am burying my gfather and she stays over at OM house. she can have him and he can have her.

I am not going to allow her to hurt me anymore...I have to get to monday MC session to have closure. when I ask her to stop seing OM dbering style (those of u that follow my sitch know how I plan to do it). she will say that she is not prepared to do it and I will say that I am sorry but I can't allow you to hurt me anymore.

now I would hope that she says that she is not prepared to stop seing OM. she stays with him 5 nights a week and I can't imagine her just saying ok...I'm sure she is in love...just don't know why she is keeping me around.

As I feel nostalgic and can't sleep I re-read my old thread...what highs and lows I have been through. I look back at how I was on such a low when I discovered...then on such a high when we had our first MC session...(can't stop crying right now)...then such a low when I found out OM stayed the night of MC...and I don't want anymore highs because I know it will be followed by lows and why do I want to set myself up for that kind of pain and torture. I want...I need to be off this roller coaster.

Vince,

I don't know exactly what to say right now. It is one of those times where me being so new in my sitch makes me a little uncomfortable giving advice, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
I don't think I have suffered nearly as long as you have and I may not make it to where you are but the advice I hear people give when others say what you're saying goes something like; make sure you are making a decision you can live with, and that NOT making the decision is something you can't live with. Does that make sense.
It seems like there has to be a time in everyone's sitch where the end really has come, where they just can't take anymore. Problem is that I thought I was there several times in my short time here, and so has Tim, Frank, Rob and many others but then we get through the day/night/hour, whatever and find some strength that we didn't realize was there.
It sounds like you are numb and just plain tired of the pain and constant suffering you have endured. I can empathize with you and I really know where you're at.
If you need to make her make a decision, then I wish you the best of luck and will pray that she does the right thing. If you decide that you can stick it out longer, then I/we will be here ready to support that. Either way, you have support here.
I wish for you moments of clarity where you can see your true path long enough to make the decisions that will ultimately keep you on it, whether it be with your W or without.

TMU

TMU,
thank you for ur thoughts...you lnow the way I am looking at it...whatever decision that is made by me will be the right one...because it was my decision...not anyone else's...now my decision will be predicated on her actions on monday, but it will be my decision.

thank you for your thoughts...I would not have been able to keep it together with lost show either...need to stay away from that rerun.

I guess I am on the tail end of this roller coaster... ...I need to be off this roller coaster.

The tail end of this rollercoaster of ours has neither highs nor lows. It's fairly leveled out. You're not there yet. The way off is to detach, you haven't done that yet. Instead, you continue to personalize her actions. You set up yourself for the lows by having unrealistic expectations, and now, you're setting yourself again by putting a deadline of Monday on your sitch. You're going to force the issue, not get what you really want to have happen, and although you may claim peace now with any way it goes down, Tuesday morning you're going to be in despair.

I am not going to allow her to hurt me anymore...I have to get to monday MC session to have closure.

You permit your sitch to hurt you, the alleged "closure" will hurt you too. It's an artificial timetable you're creating, there is no basis in fact to think Monday is the appropriate time to resolve this. Instead, what you're acting on is your own impatience, frustration, pain. You're being like a fisherman who may set a time for which he must catch the fish or else... it doesn't work that way.

You must disconnect those thoughts where you personalize that bring you pain ("she has OM stay the night of first great MC session...I am burying my gfather and she stays over at OM house") and step back to look at all this impartially. I'm impartial to your sitch and don't experience the pain you do, so when I look upon your sitch, what I see is that she's not ready to return right now. Doesn't mean it can't happen in the future. I see you as not having gone the length DBing, so it suggests to me that more time and the right efforts are called for, not ultimatums that will further push her out.

Going back to your conundrum of the other day, the matter of having the same C for your IC, I thought of another option for you. To drop it, and find a different C for yourself. Two reasons to consider that: 1. It appears if you proceed and she knows about it, she'll back off counseling herself or still attend but not be forthcoming to her C (we don't really know if that's what she'll do, however, so it may behoove you to just tell her that's what you wish to do and see what happens, you can always cancel your IC and find another C), and 2. you want to preserve the joint counseling sessions, as that still affords you the opportunity to have your issues examined at those sessions, as well as hers.

Bottom line is you're on the wrong track, you're going to end up with regrets.

Vinces,

I can certainly empathize with your pain and your sitch. Like TMU, I feel that I'm to new to this whole ordeal to offer up any real advice, but what NYS had to say really resonated with me to some degree. It appears that you haven't detached emotionally at this point, but basing your decision on expectations and artificial timetables. I think all in all, you don't want to take this course of action lightly. If you are truly prepared to do it, then that is one thing, but if Monday comes and you issue an ultimatum, you must be prepared to accept the consequences on Tuesday.

My thoughts are with you and I sincerely hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

I look around to all my loving family and I think they are all too good of people to let W be a part of it...
You know, sometimes I’ll be reading a thread and someone will make a comment like this that literally stuns me, because I then realize I feel exactly the same way.
Vinces, I am very sorry about your gf’s passing. Please accept my condolences on this. I hope you are doing ok.
I hope you will wait a couple days to get a little clearer before you really end things with your wife. You just dealt with a death in the family and your emotions are all over the place. Let things settle and see how you feel in a week. What do you think?

Vinces,

I agree with Hope. Your emotions are overwrought right now. Give yourself a little time to settle down

Spitfire

Damn it's so easy to get caught up in all this validation and empathizing stuff and forget to just say what you mean.
DON'T DO IT VINCE. I agree with the rest of them. Give it a little more time.

TMU

Vince,
You and I are at the same point. Get a chance read my sitch but basically I told my W to either choose the OM, ruin her life and get out, OR stay with me and work it out! I blew up and let my emmotions take over in front of the kids! Not good! It felt good at the time, and truly I feel better right now that I got some stuff off my chest. Yet I feel very bad, and angry at myself that I did not control myself better. I regret doing it, and want to smooth things out, but it maybe too late! I really have limmited my options, and I hate that!
I have hit the wall in my sitch, and I have been seperated since April, and tried to recouncil since Nov. Does that make my reaction justifiable...to me yes...is it right...time will only tell, but I do regret it! Take the time and think things through. You are right you are the only one who knows what needs to be done and when.
I remember when in my first post that Frank told me to push her to be with the OM to find out what it would be like! I said never, and now guess what I did!!!!!
Really take time to think things out for yourself, and seperate your thoughts from your W actions! I wish I would have listned to my own advice, but instead I reacted to my W actions! It is easy to give advice tougher to put your own adice into action!

I got home from funeral today and have calmed a bit from my emotional week. I am very gratefull for all of your feedback to suspend my decision on W. I am also proud that despite my emotions I have not called or contacted W in any way...This was tough with all the emotions going through my head.

Although, I did not get a call from W to see how I was through funeral...I did getna call from her out of town uncle...which tells me a couple of things 1)that she must have called to tell him what had happened, maybe to ask advise on whether or not she should go...and 2) I know he must have asked permission from W for him to call me...it was a very nice call...but of course no call from her Control freak Dad or cronic depressed Mom.

Well I checked with MC and she said that W needed to move appt off of Mon to Wed night...so that will give me a couple of more days to think my decision through.

I know there are people on this BB that have been doing this waaay longer than me and I feel so weak for thinking about ending it, but I just want to move on...not saying D for sure but I really think that until she knows what it truely like to not have me there to fall back on she will just keep this up...and honestly if she still doesnt come back, thats ok too...it means that she is truely in love or at least loves OM more than me...and that is ok...enjoy your life. But if she does want to work at it or even consider it...I would work harder than any body out there...I would give her whatever space she needed...but the lies and deceit, I'm over it...I know this is where NYS chimes in and says you're not detaching and if you did it wouldn't bother you that she is with OM...well it hurts and I guess I'm not detached and I guess I won't be until she is out of my life.

Wow just re-read above...eeks...sounds kinda bitter huh? I just started on Zoloft today (sounds like a lot of BB Disc today on AD's)...maybe it will kick in and chill me out.