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Please do.

I do feel bad, like I am beating you over the head. I do remember the mental state I was in when my EA was first starting, and it is worthy of tears, lots of them. I have cried nearly every day for the past 7 months (not all of it about the EA though). I hate the thought that I am speaking this way, so strongly to you, when I am sure you must already be really down. I hope you know I am not doing this to make you feel worse.

Please post every day. Let us know that you have survived another day. And take it one day at a time. Resolve every morning, NOT TODAY ... I WILL NOT START ANYTHING TODAY. Don't worry about the next day. You'll make it, I promise. I'll help if you need it or want it.

I really hesitate to say this, because I don't want to give you any ideas, but I'm sure you are a smart lady and have already thought of this. DO NOT under any circumstances give in to the urge to obtain some way of contacting this person in the future. Don't think, well, this is some saftey net just for my current sanity. There will be a moment, sometime in the future, where you will be weak, something will happen, and you will just do it. You will regret it instantly, and maybe he won't respond, but if he does, you will be in it before you know it.

Man, I hope I'm not going way overboard here and beating you over the head unneccesarily. But what is going through my head here is, if you are posting thinking about an EA on a BB, you are thinking about it IRL ALL the time. These posts may be your last-ditch SOS for someone to help you. We'll help you. There are friends here.

Chrome

Those were some of the most awesome and powerful post I have ever seen. A person could almost feel the pain and truth of your words.

"Those were some of the most awesome and powerful post I have ever seen. A person could almost feel the pain and truth of your words."

Thanks Chrissy. Even though I am an emotional guy all around, I still get embarrased sometimes when I go overboard like that. Its nice to see someone understands what I am saying and not just cringing at my excessiveness.

I can assure you I felt pain writing every one of those words. And if you could have seen the ones I didn't write, the ones that used to cycle through my head every minute, but now just a few times a day ... believe it or not I'm actually holding back a bit. So I can have something in reserve.

Thanks again Chrissy, and I hope your night tonight is peaceful Fran. I have had so few of them since I gave in to those impulses 7 months ago. Its hard to sleep when even your dreams are plagued.

haphazard.

First I thank you for your comments in HD thread about how women feel about wanting men to step up, ignoring no's, placating etc.

Now I am going to briefly let you have it. As I told Cemar, your SO isnt here. unless HP and Gel get to you first tomorrow, when I have a chance to come back, be sure to have a blankie or teddy or pillow nearby when you read my next post. Im not going to commiserate with you on your current sitch. I am going to be bad cop. also be aware that there are others here lurking, in your same shoes who I will be talking to also. So I wont just be picking on you. I treat everyone the same, just like <bleep>

so briefly.

I am going to have to get H to read this thread.
Your welcome to do that but this is not DBing, If you can get him to join you that would be great, if not there are many things --you can do, to work on you, that I can see. ( When you see mine, please feel free to return the favor. ZB, NOP, LFL, HP, Karen....others? have.)
nor is it the proper mindset for you to come from, for success to your M, if it can be had. you are externalizing and looking at your H's 'errors', 'mistakes','failures'.
BZZZZZZ. wrong answer. Not honoring, not respecting. Not appreciating, not looking for the good. Not how you were behaving towards H in the beginning of your R, that caused it to succeed.

From what you posted you seem to be very close to a major decision. Its not the first time you have hinted at it in the past month? or so.

there are certain irrefutable laws. If you defy the law of gravity you will not levitate, you will, fall and get hurt. Maybe worse. You broke it -you deserve/earned it.

If you follow your instincts, and defy the law of adultery, E or P, you will deserve the pain, confusion, anguish, overwhelming anxiety attacks, and tremendous life upheaval, that comes with it.

Now I am going to suggest something and ask for something.

suggestion. if this feels like a crisis, I suggest you respond like it is one. take time off of work. personal day, sick day, holiday, this is more important then my job day even. remove yourself from proximity of the drug. however few remaining days it takes.

now that favor.
Tell me about how you and your H met. Details. How, where, when, why.

Chromo,

Just got back from night skiing, was showing friend constellations, which lead to messing with mythology and horoscopes. (her middle name is athena, oh brother, pretentious parents....) Then I asked her if she knew why the sky is dark when the sun goes down, if there are all those millions of stars out there..... tried to explain the difference between a static infinite universe that would cause infinite spatial luminescence, and a finite expanding universe that creates a dark sky, hence a beginning, beginnor...... she IS a math major.... was thinking Chromo has a cool F'ing job. so um anychance there are some budding physics majors going to belize? LOL j/k.

Wanted to say --Corrie promised you a demo of a proper fight. Check it out. Corrie vs BF slugfest. not personalizing, staying out of OP sh!t, acknowledgement of OP POV and owning mistakes made. There is also some de-escaltion techniques in there. Ill point them out later... unless you see them.

Corrie, A+ for both of us.
FWIW chromo, often you will find that you learn the most about your SO during arguments, strife, fighting, if you can stay detached. they let it all hang out and say what they really want/need even while they are being mean and attacking from misguided self preservation. Fights also drop tons of EC chemicals into the mix, (you dont fight with people who are irrelevant to you emotionally), though the resulting withdrawal from the actually extreme intimate encounter of a fight, is often handled incorrectly. presumption of indifference/loss/abandonment.

That Guy made excellent use of creating conflict and using the situation in his favor. Now THAT is exactly the Right way to Fight FOR your spouse, for those in a infidelity situation. It is a serious tightrope between negative pushing, and chasing.

gotta go attend to my well being. <BF muttering sleep, its stupid. somebody needs to do something about this waste of a third of my life. all this research for non caloric fat substitutes causing anal leakage when fat isnt even bad, and none on eliminating this big productivity waster called sleep. a guy just wants to have some mental stim. sheesh, stupid RL always interfering with my virtual life....need one of those desk jockey jobs ....why am I addicted to R dynamics....>

Haphazard,

Ok...just got through your posts, was pretty much off the board yesterday. You do realize that an EA, doesn't have to be 2-sided don't you? You are already having one if you are having feelings like this about this guy leaving......AVOID HIM!!!

You THINK you can hold off on doing anything until this guy leaves....you THINK?! AVOID HIM Fran, you are having an EA.....you are in the danger zone big time! You are investing too much time and emotion thinking about this man, the time you are investing thinking about this man and getting worked up about him leaving is time you aren't investing in your M.

So...I'm going to repeat this one last time....AVOID HIM!

I'm not saying these things to be harsh to you, but I'm being flat-out-blunt honest with you as to what I see. I know many people have the opinion that two people must be involved for any type of an A to happen, not true. EA's can be very one-sided. You can be the only person having these feelings and thoughts and still be having an EA. EA's are just as dangerous as PA's. IMPO the y can be more so since many people can have a PA and never become emotionally attached.

My father is having an EA. He would never see it that way, but I know it to be true. I hear him talk about this woman (who is my age) he lives and breaths this woman and her family. If she needs something he runs, leaving my mom at home. Now, this woman...hasn't a clue how my dad feels, or how he sees her...but he invests this time in her rather than in his own M and it's damaging. You may not be running off to this guy at work, but you are spending far too much time thinking about him....so it's at the very least an infatuation.

You say you think you can hold off on doing anything....don't just think it Fran do it, make the choice to do what's best for your M. Taking that step wouldn't be a minor detour at this point in your M, it would be driving it off a cliff.

Hang in there,
GEL

"Just got back from night skiing, was showing friend constellations, which lead to messing with mythology and horoscopes. (her middle name is athena, oh brother, pretentious parents....) Then I asked her if she knew why the sky is dark when the sun goes down, if there are all those millions of stars out there..... tried to explain the difference between a static infinite universe that would cause infinite spatial luminescence, and a finite expanding universe that creates a dark sky, hence a beginning, beginnor...... she IS a math major.... was thinking Chromo has a cool F'ing job. so um anychance there are some budding physics majors going to belize? LOL j/k."

Dang, sounds like you had a fun date with Olber being the 3rd wheel. Did she follow the logic and/or agree with it. I find most of my students can't quite catch what I am saying when I explain that. Most kids these days have a terrible time with spatial recognition.

Most of the Belize-ers are going to be Geology/Geography majors.

"Wanted to say --Corrie promised you a demo of a proper fight. Check it out. Corrie vs BF slugfest. not personalizing, staying out of OP sh!t, acknowledgement of OP POV and owning mistakes made. There is also some de-escaltion techniques in there. Ill point them out later... unless you see them."

I see some of what you are talking about, but pointing things out more explicitly would be welcome if you have the time.

"FWIW chromo, often you will find that you learn the most about your SO during arguments, strife, fighting, if you can stay detached. they let it all hang out and say what they really want/need even while they are being mean and attacking from misguided self preservation. Fights also drop tons of EC chemicals into the mix, (you dont fight with people who are irrelevant to you emotionally), though the resulting withdrawal from the actually extreme intimate encounter of a fight, is often handled incorrectly. presumption of indifference/loss/abandonment."

I hear what you are saying. But I will say that my W and I probably have never had a fight like you describe.

"That Guy made excellent use of creating conflict and using the situation in his favor. Now THAT is exactly the Right way to Fight FOR your spouse, for those in a infidelity situation. It is a serious tightrope between negative pushing, and chasing."

Tell me more, again if you have time. Of course, ThatGuy is looking at it from the other perspective if I am not mistaken.

Hey Fran.

How are you doing today? Please post and let us know when you get a chance.

Blackie,
This explains why I would pick fights with my H when it wasn't necessary--to get an emotional reaction from him. Actually, it's even more than that...if I poke him long and hard enough, he roars. Like a MAN. His strength and force knocks me on my arse. I back down right away. And I'm a strong woman. (with a very big mouth, lol)

It never occurred to me that I do this subconsciously to elicit this very reaction, but it's sure possible. It bugs me that he acts passive and I believe it bugs him too.

Interesting observation, bf!

Hey Chromo, Gel, BF

Thanks for checking up on me and thanks even for the 2X4s to the back of the head. (Ouch ) But I've given the bump a good rub and I'm better now.

Good day today no love chemical feelings.

Yes I am spending emotional energy on this guy instead of on my M. It’s OK I am not such a lost cause as the tone of some of your posts imply. Really I am not. As far as EA goes there isn’t one. No not even the one-sided one GEL describes. PA neither (of course) How would you react if Brad Pitt (or whoever floats your boat) worked at the desk across from you? Face it you would be all of a twitter and excitedly enjoy it but it would not constitute anything worse than window shopping. He is leaving which is disappointing to me because work will be a slightly more drab place to be once he had gone but I am NOT going to be mooning over his memory. For one thing you guys wouldn't let me - LOL

There is a line I remember from one of the soaps we get here – Coronation Street – in it a 50-something balding fat guy is ogling the new young blonde barmaid. His wife comes up and whacks him one. His response is “What?!? You’ll get the benefit” That’s kind of how I feel about what is going on here. The charge of positive energy I get from being around work-guy spills over into other areas of my life including my M. Example: I dress with more care and attention. H notices I look nice and compliments me. Meaning I get a positive stroke from H and feel better about the state of the M. I know you guys will weigh in here with “why don’t you dress nice for H.” Well of course I could but I kind of forgot. Point is the chemistry thing that work-guy sparked was what gave me back those good feelings about myself so I dress nicely. The energy in the M before this was zero.

Just to put everyone in the picture re my sitch. Married 15 years. Me 44 H 38 S6 D4. H walked away two and a half years ago OW involved. State of M up to that point very poor. Case of who would get out the door first. He did because he could, I didn’t because I was stuck at home with little kids. I read Michele’s book, came to these boards and DB’d like crazy to get him to come back. Up until S6 was born we had good M. Stress of new dynamic was more than we could deal with. Anyhow M good for a while after he came back backslid a little but carried on DBing and trying to turn things round. Then my mum died just over a year ago and I no longer had emotional energy to DB. The other problem is H is alcoholic. He has finally admitted he has drink problem so that is a positive. I am sure his ND condition is alcohol related.

So three positives:
1) I have a lot of positive energy in my life right now partly due to work-guy thing but also other stuff.
2) H is recognizing his own sitch – he knows he has drink problem and starting to want to address it.
3) H has more positive energy due to big change in his work sitch. He is coming home every day pleased with the way things went instead of miserable.

I know I was sounding emotional about it all in response to Chromo’s posts and I guess I felt that way some. But it has been cathartic to spill it all out here and to have you guys respond in such a supportive way. It’s amazing how strangers can have so much more of your true interests at heart than people who are closer. My sister is the only other person who has heard about this and she is getting a vicarious pleasure from it and in some ways encouraging me to throw caution to the winds because she has a lot of her own baggage and there is a part of her that would like my M to break up as hers did. You know – join the club.

You guys are great.

Fran

p.s. to Blackfoot

Quote:

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now that favor.
Tell me about how you and your H met. Details. How, where, when, why.

---

OK H and I met way back in 1988. I was 27 he was 21. It was at work of course. I was in a long-term relationship with BF from university but it was going bad. BF was having a major EA and I was lost. H stepped in and rescued me. Terrible foundation for a strong M. Bounce out of one strong relationship that is going bad into the comforting arms of another. Totally dumb thing to do but these things are hard to see at the time. H and I went off back-packing for a year. It was a bonding experience and we decided to get married when we got back. I won't bore you to death with anymore chapters now.

Any way guys I am off to bed now, it is past midnight here. Maybe I will wake up H and see if he wants to rip my Jammies off!

Fran