Don, I just wanted to say what an EXCELLENT post!!
So very true about happiness and finding it within ourselves. We tend to think that our happiness lies with others...if WAS comes back THEN I will be happy...not necessarily, that's only where the really hard work starts...it's not just as simple as unpacking boxes. You have to be happy with yourself...a true happiness, not a fake smile given for someone else's benefit. It's something as my friends say with me I GLOW...there is such a peace about me now that they say I freaking glow when they see me. I am happy. Happier than I probably have been in at least 20yrs...am I in an R, no, married, no...okay, so I am kinda/sorta seeing someone...but I'm okay...gonna make it despite all the hell I have been through...coming out like a ray of sunshine...that's where we all hope to be...and yes there are rough days, yesterday one of them...but you find the strength to move forward.
You just let go, drop the rope and control only what you have control over - yourself and your emotions. You don't take a ride on the rollercoaster anymore.
if WAS comes back THEN I will be happy...not necessarily, that's only where the really hard work starts
Oh we see that time and again, don't we? How can it be easy, you're talking about restoring an unhealthy relationship back to good health, but the relationship is only as healthy as the people living in it! Just getting back together does not problems solve.
So, it's a fallacy to think that because the WAS leaving is what had made you 'sad", that the WAS returning is what will therefore make you "happy". Nuh, uh. What's really happened when the WAS returns, is that the person that made you "sad" is now living in your house again!
[quoteSo, it's a fallacy to think that because the WAS leaving is what had made you 'sad", that the WAS returning is what will therefore make you "happy". Nuh, uh. What's really happened when the WAS returns, is that the person that made you "sad" is now living in your house again!
Thanx DonS, Sassy, and NY like usual. Your words really do help.
NY your quote echoed in my mind. I truly did experience the sadness when my W left, and then was on top of the world when she moved back in. The problem was I was on top of the world and she was not even half through her journey. I was soon becoming disappointment that she was not sharing in my true happiness, and I was living with the person that made me sad acting as if it was alright! This really made me realize that she needs to be as comfortable with our R and M as me, and until then I just have to put my efforts into myself.
Don said something that also made me think real hard. when i look in the mirror i am not happy with what I see. This truly has contributed to my sitch. In Oct before my W and I got back together I was starting to be happy with the person I saw in the mirror. I was taking control of my life and doing things for me and my kids. Obviously my W sensed it or saw it because she came back. It is time to go back and start the journey again. I want my marriage to work, and I will continue to post when my actions meet my words!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Quote: he problem was I was on top of the world and she was not even half through her journey.
This resonates with me. Last week W was in the downward Affair rollercoaster. Then OM 'fixed' things and she got into the upward mode. I was happy, then sad. But as spitfire pointed out to me today, the A will go through these gyrations and I need to expect it and stay level.
Quote: I was happy, then sad. But as spitfire pointed out to me today, the A will go through these gyrations and I need to expect it and stay level.
It is amazing what the emmotions of a person will do to them. My W a week ago today was saying how horrible the OM was and that she was putting him ahead of me and her children, and now it is all fun and games again! The trick is to stay level like you said Frank.
I said I was not going to post unless it was positive. Came home and was shaking like a leaf, but tried to not show it. We had a pleasant dinner with the kids, and we talked about work for me and her long day at school. She went down to study and that was it! Stay Strong! I even had a real test when I was doing laundry and found a note in my W pocket on the back of a receipt, and it was the OM who wroye out his schedule for this week for her! I just put it back and left the dirty pants in the laundry! Need to keep going! Keep my mouth shut! Tret her like a true friend, and tomorrow is another day!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Well I have to thank Grasshopper for his insight into detatchement because it is helping. So far everyday is getting a little easier to move on, and let my W find herself while I get stronger and do the same. There have been flashes that she is still connected, but I know not read into them. There have been times I have felt my emmotions build, but I have backed off. I truly am trying to be the person I want to be. I always have a smile on my face, and people say they love that about me. I am smiling more around my W, and I am happier with myself each day. Still the emmotional thoughts bounce around in my head, and sometimes take the smile away. The hardest is when my W asks me "How I am doing?" or "If I am OK?" I just want to scream "Are you Fu#$#$'n crazy" but I don't. Grasshopper said Smile and say Just great. I am working on it, and who knows by the end of today I will be able to do it!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Our W's have temporarily handed in their pass cards to our emotional well being. They have no right to know if we are ok. If they are concerned about it enough to ask, then they need to be concerned enough about it to act. I do NOT need saving by my W, thank you very much. I LOVE my W. I would love to share all of my feelings with her, and if I choose to, and she asks in a sincere way, I will. A casual "how's it going" is not that sincere way and does not deserve the kind of emotional reaction you put into your answers Tim. Pretty soon, you will recognize her questions for the simple fluff they are and your mind will not even process them. You don't get all worked up when a co-worker asks you "How's it hanging Tim?" You don't start feeling around, desperately trying to find out how it really is hanging and if it's not hanging just right, tell him why it's not. SO, let it be. If she wants to talk, seriously about your mental health, then let her ask seriously. If she just wants to know how thing are hanging, you tell her "The same as the last time YOU checked honey."
I like the how's it hanging analogy! I agree when she is truly ready to deal with us then I can open up to her. That is hard part! I know my wife and I usually can tell when she is sincere and when she is just being polite. Last nite I could tell she was down and sounded sincere, and the same thing this morning. I know it give it time and have patience and don't over react. No one hates a "Sour Puss" so I will be happy and say great! And when the day comes she truly wants to know we can discuss it calmly!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Hi Tim, glad to see you are coping a little better. Just make sure that this detaching is for you and not for a reaction from W. Although even if it starts out as another tactic by you, you will soon discover things are a whole lot easier that way for you at least.
As for working on the R, which hopefully will come later can I just say that I am piecing together my R at the moment and it is no easy ride. You have a whole lot of other feelings and emotions to come to terms with and it is hard hard work so don't wish for this before you are ready.
I found with my H, he split up with OW and came back to me and 2 weeks later was seeing OW again. They go back and change their mind over and over but the A then fizzles out, but remember in it's own time. (That is what has happened with me and now I have to believe it as my H and OW had a 3yr affair behind my back and after he left he dropped the A bomb about 2-3 months later and I had no idea) so I am hoping it is true that they are finished and not going back to just being an affair, see that is just another thing I have to overcome whilst piecing this back together.
I hope it all works out for you Tim and you are now handling it the best way and it makes it easier to cope with once you get used to living the detached lifestyle, you should even come to enjoy it. I just wanted to let you know that it is no easy road piecing the M back together even if you are both willing, it takes sheer hard work and alot of tongue biting.......Kim
Something relevant here is something I read in another post that really resonated with me. I think it was Frank's post (if I attributed to the wrong person, please accept my apologies), but I believe his counselor put it into perspective when she asked him if he ever had a former girlfriend who he later became just friends with. In his sitch, he had and his C asked how he interacted with her after everything, and it was very casual (of course). The way I see it GH hit right on as well. If a friend walks by and doesn't say "how's it hanging" we don't run to our corner and fret over every possible scenario for why they didn't. Its that type of interaction I guess we are seeking.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
