Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hit the wall now what......New thread

Thanx Frank. I always appreciate your input!
I do have an issue in front of me with my W. She is now openly seeing the OM in front of me. Last nite she was angry at me, so instead of coming home ande letting me work out, she asked to stay out with her "friends". Well since she was already out I said OK. It was really not a big deal to me. The agreement was I would go out tonite. I was thinking of watching the hockey game with somme friends of ours. His wife was going out so I said I would come over. This morning I was a little down, and my W asked if I was stilling planning to go out. I said I was not sure but would like to do something. Now she just called in a panic because she wants to go out and see a couple of friends. These friends she wants to see are very good friends with the OM, so you know it is a double date. She called and left a message that since I was not sure of going out she would really like to.
My normal reaction would be to say OK. I feel I should say no, and I still am going out regardless if I go over to our friends house. As soon as I say that there will be a war and she will think I am controlling. To tell you the truth I am not thrilled about going out tonite! Any advice?

Well if you have any advice I still could use some!
I phoned and left a message:
"I said I would still like to go out tonite, and I know she does to. So can we work sommething out that we both can accomplish what we want tonite. I aslo said I need to go out and try take my mind off things, and try to stop thinking about the events of the week."
I guess we will wait and see her reaction. We already tried the babysitter option, and the 2 we use are both busy! So one of us have to give in! I know she wants to go out with the OM tonite! Evil me says screw it! The compassionate me says she can do what she wants, and I will spend another evening alone with the kids!

R U kidding? read your post?...I feel like I'm living multiple lives between TMU, you and the others on here...i read everything...I have not responded on your post due to me not representing the popular opinion DBering style.

I feel like the agreement that was made is she went out last night and you get tonight...end of story...sorry if that is not DBer and accomidating...but life a B!tch in the big city...so how many nights a week does she get to escape reality where you take care of everything? They are her kids too are they not?

I personally believe that you ahve been more than accomidating to her...but like I said prob not a popular opinion on the BB but I think you have to put your food down since an agreement was made...how about suggesting that "her friends" come over to watch a movie and make margaritas...watch her sweat and dance then

Quote:

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Vinces:
I feel like the agreement that was made is she went out last night and you get tonight...end of story

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I agree with Vinces. stop rolling over for her.

Tim...Tim...Tim...you had plans...I guess I need to go and dust off my doormat and bring it over. I don't want to sound harsh, but step back and look at it another way...Let's say your best friend is going through this sitch. His W has left him for another man, hell the woman has bigger balls than most men and actually has him pick her up at the house...your best friend really needs a night out with the guys...your single, your a great guy, you don't put up with BS, and you just don't get where your best friend's head is at...you want to go get a beer with him, watch a game. He's calling you and saying Dude, can't go, wife's got a date with Stud Muffin again...sorry dude, gotta stay home and watch the kids.

Your response to your best drinking buddy would be??????

Well I did stick to my guns, but it was easy! Not becasue I am so strong now but my W found a babysitter (that we used before) before I got home from work! She really wanted to go out! I was very friendly and understanding and said good that we are both able to do what we want tonite.
After that she brought up the R between us and that she was sorry, and felt sick to her stomach about everything going. I apolgized yet again for my outburt(s) and told her that I still am commited to work things out, but life will move forward. I could tell she was hurting and depressed.
Long story short she got ready to go out. After I told her dhe looked gourges (she did and I was weak) she told me in her stressed voice that she was just going out this couple and that was it. She left and gave me a partial kiss on the lips and looked like a whipped puppy walking out.
Anyways I am putting the 2yr old to bed and then going to watch the hockey game when the babysitter arrives.
I survived. I hope everyone else does tonite!

I have not responded on your post due to me not representing the popular opinion DBering style... like I said prob not a popular opinion on the BB but I think you have to put your food down since an agreement was made

I agree Tim, this is not the time to eat

Something to chew on: This notion of what is the "popular opinion DBering style" sometimes is a notion borne out of misunderstanding, IMO: when people think to DB is to be a doormat. Maybe it's because some of DBing has us put some of our wants and needs temporarily on the back burner, or maybe it's because trying to keep the door open has us hanging too close to the door, or maybe it's because the DB and DR aren't complete treatises directly addressing every situation we may encounter along our journey, or because "DBing" goes against some of our base instincts and so therefore "feels" wrong and "untrue to ourselves" (but that doesn't mean our instincts are the best thing to act on, and the thought that doing so is akin to being 'untrue to ourselves' is merely the way we paint it - we may be biasing it through pride or resentment or whatever), yet...

"DBing" is all about finding "solutions that work" by utilizing common psychological behaviors. That's like the prime directive.

I don't think you seeking a win-win solution (""I said I would still like to go out tonite, and I know she does to. So can we work sommething out that we both can accomplish what we want tonite") is anything less than "DBing" (though I think saying to her "I also said I need to go out and try take my mind off things, and try to stop thinking about the events of the week" falls some under venting).

So the question becomes, how do you get to that win-win? Every sitch is different and so you have to take your particular sitch in view to figure that out. For example, let's say that one of your behaviors that contributed to the breakdown in the relationship was that you had a habit of going out with the boys a bit way too much. Well, then if you insist now on your night out, it could be looked upon by the WAS as more of the same (that doesn't imply that the answer would be to agree to babysit, though it could be an answer).

In your case, you both had agreed to have alternate nights out. Now it was to be your night, but she had something come up she wanted to partake in, and she checked to see if you had established plans already, and when you indicated you weren't sure, she asked for the night. Well, that's understandable, isn't it? You, seeing her new plans as being with the OM, are understandably not too keen on the idea, and so you don't wish to afford her that opportunity, whereas, as you wrote, normally (I guess that means with OM out of the equation) you would say "yes". You feel between a rock and a hard place of sorts, because on one hand the idea of her taking the night to see the OM ticks you off, and the other, you fear being seen as "more of the same", that is, "controlling" if you don't grant her that opportunity. That's basically the situation, correct?

Some things to consider: She's going to see the OM sometimes anyway, whether it's that night or not, giving her an obstacle on one occasion isn't going to do much except "win" one battle for you (but maybe lose the war). Certainly you don't want to have this opportunity turn into an opportunity for her to see you as being "controlling" instead. It was agreed that it would be your night out. You can't get a babysitter (you were going to take the children to your friend's house to watch the game?) so one of you has to be the responsible parent and figure out how the kids will be minded.

So I'd say, if you wish to go out, then go out, that's what you both agreed to. Whether or not you have firm plans yet, that's not the issue, the agreement before you is that it's your night to do with as you please. The agreement wasn't 'it's your night only IF you figure out how to spend it'.

Either that, or give her the responsibility of coming up with a win-win situation if you're hitting a brick wall doing so, after all, she's the other parent. That's a valid negotiation technique I've espoused before; when Partner A and Partner B are parked across the great divide from each other, determine the desired outcomes of each camp, Partner A offers reasonable solutions but they are not accepted by partner B (that may not be exactly the case here but we can still apply the principle of this technique, I think). So then Partner A asks partner B to step into their shoes and have partner B come up with a win-win. If partner B offers up a win-lose, Partner A calls Partner B on it by asking Partner B to explain how that solution is a "win" for Partner A, effectively having Partner B walk in Partner A's shoes in coming up with an answer that's ultimately suitable to both partners. Whew.

Compromises in relationships are not about "win-lose", because the "losing" party will resent it. Compromises should have "win-win" as their desired outcomes so that both partners are comfortable and happy with the results.

And it's not just about attaining a win-win. It's also how you go about obtaining it, you know. As complex as the above Partner A/Partner B legalese sounds, it's not that difficult to implement calmly, and it sure trumps arguing/controlling/spite and the damage such can create.

Hi Tim, wow alot has happened to you over the weekend. I believe you portray two different people to your W and that is probably why you haven't made alot of impact on her b/c you keep resorting back to your old ways, which would make her think you are not going to change.

Start looking out for you and whatever will be will be with you and your W as you cannot force her to give up OM that is something she needs to decide in her own time and in her own way otherwise if things go bad with them its going to be all your fault (whether it is or not) in her eyes that is what she will see.

So i agree with the others take it easy step back leave her alone and just look after you and the kids.....Kim

I wish I could describe how I feel this morning. Numb, depressed, angry, frustrated, confused, and in a way relieved. You know we had a blow out on Sat nite again. Sunday was friendly, but strained. I slept in Sunday, and she was at school and studying for most of the day. We watched "Grey's Anatomy" together and she could not even touch me on the couch. (I hate that show) Just before I went to bed I couldn't resist checking her cell phone and she has called the OM at least 3 to 4 times a day. Finally when we went to bed she said again that we need to get the spare room downstairs put together. She told me that things have to change and that she has explained everything to me.
Well I calmly said I am still confused, and if she is able to can we sit and calmly talk about the sitch. So we did. My W said she is tired of being a ping pong ball, and does not want to bounce back and forth between me and the OM. She still loves the OM, and can't get over her feelings. She is tired of me always being there for her and picking up her pieces. Even though she knows I am only trying to help her and be there for her, she feels I am still controlling her. She wants to be independent, and do things for herself. The reason we recouncilled was that she was vulnerable, and saw how well the kids were doing with us back together, but she could not stop thinking about the other man. She has not choosen the OM, but he is doing so much better and is TRYING to overcome his issues with drinking and gambling! 85% of the time the OM is amazing, but 15% was bad...WTF!
She said all she can give me right now is her friendship, and is not sure what she can give me in the future, and that we have no realationship as long as she has these feelings for the OM. She fell out of love with me before we seperated in March, but found that she still loved and cared for me again, but is not sure of her feelings and if the changes in me are permanent. She wants her space, and will move downstairs (because the kids always ask for me and not her), and does not want any more pressure!
So that is what she aaid to me rather calmly and when i started to ask questions as to what has happened and the things she had said the other day about getting back together, she just did not want to talk, got frustrated, told me to stop analyzing her, and stop pressuring her. So whenever I ask for explanations I come across as controlling, manipulative, and pressurring her!
She wants her space. She is still the ping pong ball because she can't end it with me, but stil will continue on with the OM. She gets her cake and eats it to. She stays in the house with me, acts around the kids like nothing is wrong, goes to school and studies whenever she needs to, has me take care of the kids, goes out with the OM on dates openly in front of me, has me pay all the bills, acts around our friends and family like nothing is wrong.............So that is her definition of independence and space! Has a husband that loves her unconditionally, and takes care of everything for her, and a boyfriend that she can cry on his shoulder and have great sex with!
I want this dynamic to change.
First and foremost I have to think of myself and the kids, and what I need and what I am capable of doing for myself!
This is the first time through all this that I AM the one considering a divorce, and seeing a lawyer. I fought the lawyers, and diviorce since the start but now I feel that maybe my only viable option! I told her to get out if she will continue on with the OM, and I believe that is why she has said that she has not choosen the OM (yet). she told me that she knows she is hurting me, but when I told her to get out that hurt her, and reminded her of the man I was before we seperated! Going to a lawyer is also huge in that I do not want my kids around the OM. I am considering a restraining order. The open converstaions about his drinking, and black out episodes, along with his gambling and drug use give me way too many reasons not to have this man around my kids.
My other option is still GAL, remain calm, be friendly to my W, and have some patience. try to DB and DR. Give her the space she wants, and treat her like a roommate. The big problem with that is the dynamic does not stop (at least right away) We did talk about how to deal with "new" living arrangement but she did not want to last nite. I am not sure if I am emmotionally strong enough to watch her go out with the OM openly in frot of me. How is this being independent. She has no idea of her financial responsibilities, and what it truly is like to do things on her own!
I know go on with your life, and let her live hers, but how under the same roof? I can't pretend for ever that we are a happy family so people won't judge her, and me. She does not want people to know because she will not be supported in her decision.
Right now all I want is a break from this hell! I am going to sit on this for a week, (or at least that is my goal for right now) Try to get my head screwed on again. I have to go to Las Vegas next week for almost the entire week, so I really have to try and detatch before I go. It will also give her the chance to feel what it is like without me at least a few days!
I really feel confused right now, but like I said a little relieved in that I feel the need to move on without her. See how long this lasts!