Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hit the wall now what......New thread

Tim,
I totally agree with NY. You need to find that inner core within yourself and take control of the only thing you have control over…and that is yourself my friend! After reading your stich I see so many similarities from my own R with my W. I’m sorry you have to be going through this, and yes it is a dark tunnel. However, there is a light, if only you can focus on it. The principals in the DB book are a life line to your own sanity. I am a perfect example on what not to do to save the R. I begged, cried, used the guilt trip against her, became passive, angry, and all the others distasteful attributes that drove her away…until I read the DB book. A 180 is a must! If what you are doing hasn’t work you need to change the dynamics of you actions. Here’s my point; I seriously had to take a personal inventory of myself, (sort of like an out of body observation), it literally made me ill. Once I put the shoe on the other foot and observed the stich from my W point of view it became quite obvious what I needed to do. Because the fact of the matter is, I wouldn’t want me either the way I was acting. Every time I opened my trap it reaffirmed her she was doing the right thing. My W offered to come back and work on OR several times, and I was ecstatic! She lasted only as long as anybody could because…I continued to badger her about the OM and OR. In her mind it was none stop. She eventually left again. I remember her telling me several times after I asked her why do you need the OM and why do you need to continue to talk to him. Her answer was simpler then I could accept. “He listens to me; he doesn’t bring up all the bad things” that I always wanted to talk about for my own personal satisfaction bla-bla-bla. Very similar to your stich, so it seems. She doesn’t want this “looser”, she realizes she made a mistake; she just doesn’t want to be reminded of it all the time. So start your 180’s and dig deep into that inner core and do the best you can to make it happen, for yourself. I know…easier said then done. But, just like NY said you’ve already made it through much worst. Give her something better to look at…and that’s you in a different light. You can do it!
Have faith!
d-

Thanx NY, Hope, and Dsny I really appreciate your posts!
NY you are right I laready know from her reactions what place she is in. She is on her own tangent and is dealing with it the "best" way she knows how!
Dsny your comments really hit home! Every time we got into a deep conversation when we supposedly were recounciling I would ask a ton of questions about the OM and the R. I thought it was part of the healing process, and my W liked being open an honest so there was no guessing games! I just lost focus and started to push for more and more info on what had happened. I actually started to make excuses for me from what she was telling me!
Anyways I just came back from my therapist! She was blown away on what was happening! She thought when she saw us together that if 1 couple that would make it, it was us! Anyways it was more of a chance for me to vent and hopefully give some insight into my W therapy session tomorrow. My therapist really wants us to work this out. She agreed that I should keep my mouth shut about our sessions right now and see where my W goes with her therapy. Therapist agreed with everyone and let my W make her own decisions and live her life however unreal it is!
Therapist brought up one interesting point in my sitch:
I have always been the rock, and the one trying to make sure my W is Ok, and able to pick the pieces up and make things work. I have always been that person THERE for my W regardless of how bad it is! In her relationship with the OM she is that person who is always there for him. Since he is an alcoholic and extremely dependent and needy, she plays my role in her relationship! In some way it gives her power and a sense of being needed! I thought about and said I have needs to but they are for love, affection, stability, support in tough times, and just wanting to share my life with someone I love! It is really strange how the mind works!
I am going to go home late and give the W a chance to spend sometime alone with the kids! I know as soon as i walk in the door the kids will be all over me, and my W will either go downstairs to study or maybe on another date!

Hi Tim, It has taken me a little while to respond as I had a mountain of posts to go through to bring myself up to date with your sitch.

I know it all sucks especially when you want something so badly and doesn't matter what you seem to do it makes no difference, but maybe that is part of the problem.

As I read through all your posts from the beginning it was pretty much the same thing over and over, alot of backwards and forwards but no real clear decision from your W and really why should she. At the moment she can see OM and knows 100% that you are waiting for her should it all go belly up.

You are understanding, forgiving, supportive but also needy and pushy for info and answers. I think all the advice you have been given from our fellow DBers have been right on the money and one of your comments to someone else was that you and him are alike but neither of you listen to your own advice.

I am only pointing this out as it is what stood out the most to me.

I believe she will ultimately do what she wants in the end and your best course of action is to look after you. Learn to put yourself and your kids first. Try and find a way of letting whatever she does just roll off your back as hard as that is.

If you read alot of others post you will see that when you act "as if" you are O.K. and moving on (even if your not) the WAS seems to respond more. Try not to ask questions, be pleasant but a little distant, be understanding (even if you don't feel it) and try and just get on with things and let her see what it is like when you are not her rock.

This is just my opinion and it may not work for you but in my own sitch I have found that the more carefree and self sufficient I seem to my H the more he seems to seek me out. It takes awhile but you know what in the end it becomes habit forming and you feel better equiped to handle it all either way. It takes alot of practise and a few set backs but in the end it is amazing how much better you feel when you don't let them or their actions bother you. (It is hard at first)

My own H ended it with OW a few times and said he was working it out with me only for me to find he was still seeing her behind my back. It is not easy for them to cut ties with OP but alot of them eventually do but only in their own time, you cannot hurry up the process (as much as we would like to).

I am by no means an expert and am far from having resolved everything with my H but we have come a long way and it is only through a lot of mistakes on my behalf in how I have handled things that I have got this far.

I wish you all the luck in the world and the strength to continue on this rollercoaster but you are getting good advice from everyone just try and act on it as hard as it is. Resist the urge to take your W's bait and resist asking about OM and your R. (Hard but necessary even for your own personal growth)

You do sound a lot more centred since your visit with your C so keep up the positive outlook and improvements.

I hope what I have said makes some sense to you and helps a little....Goodluck....Kim

Tim, Tim, Tim, it's SOOOOO nice to have you back from the brink. I was truly worried about you. Luckily you have some good people here giving you good advice. Heed it well.
I am a little short on time (I will update later...suffice to say I am worse than even earlier!) but I just wanted to give you a pat on the back and a few words of encouragement.

TMU

Thanx Kim,
I really do need to listen to my own advice! My kids are so important to me and they need a strong Dad! I am not going to act as if, I am jsut going to work going forward and be stronger. My W keeps repeating herself and I just support it! Last nite was the closes I came to packing her suitcase and leaving it at the door! I know that will not solve anything but I voiced myself stongly to her. I know she will be cold and distant when I come home and I just have to focus on the kids, and making myself stronger. Life will go on, and I have been through alot (and so has everyone who has supported me on-line) and I have made it this far. I invested alot of energy into our relationship and I still will but I am going to try and take some for myself! Sounds easy!
I have a question that I have been thinking about.
Her Dad is in China and doesn't know what is going on. Do I send him an e-mail? He really wants us to be together and treats me like a son!
Also my therapist mentioned my W needs someone she respects to tell her to "wake up" she mentioned our doctor. Do I initiate something? I just saw him and he knows the sitch and wants us to be back together?
Yes this is controlling and goes against DB 180, yet I want to look at all options before I make any more mistakes!
I forgot to add that our therapist thinks my wife is defintely depressed and needs help for that. Since she has been on Paxil for a few years she feels it may be time to change her meds. This is why the doctor got brought up! Eliminate the chance of a chemical in balance and see if that helps!

Tim, if I were you I would not get her father to interfere on your behalf. He may want you together and when you speak to him you can say that you want that too but ultimately it comes down to W. It is her decision and you do not want to push her. He should respect that and see that you truly do have her best interest at heart.

If her Dad decides to say something to her let him do it off his own back don't encourage it or discourage it, just keep neutral. Tell him you want to remain in touch and that as far as you are concern nothing changes with anyone else in the family.

I just think it is dangerous territory to get her Dad involved b/c W will see that a whole different way.

I know you are grasping at other option but you said it that is controlling and a bit manipulative. Let him do as he pleases but I urge you not to ask him to do it.

Let's see what the others say but that is my opinion...

Stay strong....Kim

Thanx Kim!
I still wonder about the doctor? If someones health is at risk do you do something about it? How do you classify depression, and this is just the opinion of my therapist and me.

Mmmmm maybe I missed something, how is her health at risk????

Well the emmotions got the best of me this morning and I BLEW UP!
Just before my wife was going to leave for school this morning, I asked what her day was like, and if she was picking up the kids. Yes she said. No problem, then I said I would like to workout after work and if she was OK with the kids for supper. She hesitated and then said:
"Well OK but I have plans and I need to study.....Actually I am going to a movie tonite"
Well after she said that my blood pressure went up, I was thinking to myself don't react....but I had to let it out.
Calmly I said you are going with the OM. She said it doesn't matter, and I may just go with some friends. I said this is childish and if you can't be honest don't even try to cover up. She admitted it was the OM she had plans with, and then she said its "just" a movie.
Well that is when I said in my head enough is enough!
"I told her this has to end and I can't put up with this anymore. If she wants to ruin our marriage and put me and the kids through hell that is her choice. If she loves this other guy so much go be with him!!!"
All she said was" What am I supposed to do! You have said go be with him before. I don't want to talk about this now!"
Well I was on a role so I continued and said "If you want to ruin your life with an alcoholic that is your choice. It is time for this situation to be resolved, and our lives need to go on! If you want to put the kids through this again, and you love him so much just do it! You have been able to have your cake and eat it to with me taking care of the kids 90% of the time, supporing you in school, and then you get to go out with your boyfriend! This is disrespectful to yourself, me, and the kids!"
Well it got worse because my 4yr old who is very sensitive started to cry because we were arguing, and then I felt horrible! My said stop a couple times but I just had to let it out!
Well I did everything wrong~! I pushed, I argued in front of my kids, and I basically told her to get out and see how life will be with this loser OM!
Strange enough I fell bad about my daughters reacion, but I don't feel that bad about giving it to my W! I have had enough! I am sure I will regret what I did, but I have been living throught this hell since April! I could not hold back my emmotions any longer and maybe she needed to see me like that! Wrong! I still want to work out my marriage, but I needed to stand up for myself! Short term it is satisfying in the long run we will see!

Wow! Tim, I understand the need to get it out. Yes, it wasn't good in front of kids. Sometimes these things have to happen. If you know it was wrong to do, though it felt good at the time, then at least you are still consious to the fact. No. may not have been the best thing at the time, but I know where you're coming from. Take a few steps back and check your goals. If you goals don't include her make those adjustments. you WILL make the right decision. Don't act out of anger...

Quote:

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I still want to work out my marriage, but I needed to stand up for myself!

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Have you had difficulties standing up for yourself in the past? I ask because I have been accused of this by my W. When a family member says something about W, my family, or mayself..etc...I really don't say anything. Passive aggressive doormat...Have you made any other progress in this aspect other than the recent powder keg?