Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Unique Situation...no...Part 2

Totallymessedup, whoever you are, I'm not saying this because you've tossed me a few kudos or because you're appreciative of what I post (I've read some posts where it wasn't that way, anyhow ) but I wanted to say that you, judging from what you've written lately about yourself and your sitch, seem to have progressed a long way in a short time. It seems to me you're earnestly discerning wheat from chaff, so to speak, in finding the stuff that's would actually be helpful to you, and also, very importantly, that you're applying it. You're benefiting from it too. I'm very proud of you. Hmmm. Maybe it's time to change your username from "totallymessed up" to something like "HeadOnStraight".

Well, thank you, that means a lot to me.
I have thought about my name too.
Today just feels so right. Of course, in my sitch, the next bomb could drop anytime but for right now I am progressing into a place where I can be happier.
As for me tossing you kudos, you know I have vehemently disagreed with you and your delivery at times but all in all, you have been most helpful and I am eternally grateful for that.
I really hope this change in me is not a cruel mirage that evaporates as I get closer to it.
I will keep posting progress or regress and we'll see what the future holds. Too soon to tell.

TMU

Thanx TMU. Your postings are what keep me focused on my goal!

As for me tossing you kudos, you know I have vehemently disagreed with you and your delivery at times

Oh well, we all make mistakes, bwahahahahaha!!!

Seriously, though, nothing bad about disagreement, per se. In fact, that helps shed more light on the topic, by opening up a discussion about it. When we're surrounded by "yes men", we're just playing "Emperor's New Clothes" while remaining as unclothed as before.

Where I think there's a problem is when people disagree because they'd have issues to otherwise face if they owned up to it, which may be uncomfortable or unpleasant, so they mask it behind their premises, fighting over a topical issue instead.

As an example, in my sitch, my wife used to routinely place what she thought others would feel and think over what I felt. The fact is, that if I'm her partner in life, my feelings should be considered, right or wrong, over that of others outside the relationship. So the question becomes, why did she have that view? The answer turns out to be, she had a low self-esteem, and so the perceived assumed opinions of others were paramount to her. But that has a lot of destructive factors to it: it involves her assuming what others would think; it minimizes how her mate feels; it jumps to conclusions of what the consequences would be; and then, if any of those consequences are realized, the blame got shifted to me. IOW, now I'm being blamed for what others choose to do. As a result, it chips away at the bond between us.

Instead, the issue was really that she had a fear of how she unduly assumed she (or we, or I) would appear in her friend's eyes. I think if she had stepped up to the plate, though, and we could have a better discussion without these factors, a better resolution could come out of it instead of a worsened circumstance. But it's easier for someone to cling to something than it is to let go and do the hard work. Now, as a disclaimer, let me say that for the purposes of my illustration, I'm just talking about her part in this dynamic, I do understand there was my part too. But does this make sense?

You're welcome Tim, and yes, NYS, that makes perfect sense.
My W is the same way. What I thought about her never meant a damn thing. I could tell her she's beautiful a million times, a million different ways, and just didn't register, but if someone else said it, she was on cloud nine.
I hate that because I am honest with her. If she asks me to be, I tell her ways for her to improve (I was a fashion photographer so...) but 9.9 times out of 10 she is drop dead gorgeous without lifting a finger. I really think that and I am a long way from the fog of "in love".
Seems as though it may be changing a bit. Twice lately I have told her how great she looked and she got shy about it and seemed at least to notice I said it. Of course that was probably guilt, but once again, oh well.
I am just happy to make it through each hour with some sanity left, and you all help with that! After last weekend's near breakdown, I really want to make sure I have the intestinal fortitude to not ever be that low again. The only way that will happen is if I build myself a floor to slam into before I hit hell!

TMU

P.S. If any of you want to talk off-board for some reason, I post my email. Some of you have dropped me a line and I appreciate that. You have become important in my life and I would like to be able to stay in touch if you are amiable to it. If you are trying to remain semi-private, just create yourself a new email account (like I did) and make sure it's set to not display your full name in the email.

TMU-

Wish I had more insight to give, but NY and CKTC say it all way more eloquently than I can. Plus they have more experience at it too...

Just know you are not alone. I too struggled with detaching, though, now, for some reason... don't know if its been the reading, writing, or thinking I've been doing, but I truly feel I am detaching from H. I'm sure there will be days I get down, but I honestly am feeling a shift- a healthy shift, in me. I don't feel my happiness is tied to H anymore. I still love him, but I know my life will be okay and I will be happy- with myself- no matter what.

Hope you get there too...

PF

I could tell her she's beautiful a million times, a million different ways, and just didn't register, but if someone else said it, she was on cloud nine.
I hate that because I am honest with her. If she asks me to be, I tell her ways for her to improve (I was a fashion photographer so...)

That's so funny. I'd tell my wife how adorable she was, and how fine she looked, that she made my heart go pitter-pat, and she thought I was kidding!

She'd tell me I looked great whenever I dressed up some for going out or work, always told me I was gorgeous - and I had no problem believing her!! Ha, ha.

I'm a photographer too. Ya'd think these gals would take us more seriously when we tell them they look good... we're giving them a professional opinion.

Twice lately I have told her how great she looked and she got shy about it and seemed at least to notice I said it.

Some people just have a problem accepting compliments, they become embarrassed or feel they don't deserve it; they become self-deprecating. I used to be like that. Not any more!!! Pay me a compliment and it's a big smile and a big thank you from me. And why not?

I hate to agree with everyone but my W is exactly the same way! I would stop in my tracks how beautiful she was and I would tell her, and she would just down play it or say I am fat! I would wake up in the morning or after she works out and be in awe at how awesome she would look without a stitch of make-up and tell her so!
The tough thing now is not let the emmotional reaction get in the way of trying to detatch!

I have to tell you guys a secret: many, if not most women dress for other women. Think about the appeal of fashion mags., etc. It must hark back to those adolescent days when us girls were so viscious to each other. The women who don't are the one's that guys call "hot" and woman get catty about. Of course, we all like to get the spark of flirtation from others as well.