Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Unique Situation...no...Part 2

Wow! Are we living parallel life! One in sunny Florida, and the other in the "Great White North"
YOu know my sitch and her taking the call from the OM is real tough especially in front of you (trust me), and you handled yourself great!
This reminds me alot of when my wife and I started down the path of reconciliation. She was not hiding her pain and starting to open up to me more and more each day! I was there for her, and supported her, and kept quite about the R until she wanted to talk! It did work for me because she came around, and we started to recouncil! The only thing is you know what I am going through now, so learn frm my mistakes!
You are doing great TMU! YOu are staying in control, and showing her what a caring loving man you really are!
Talking about TV shows don't watch "Grey's Anatomy" either. Story line in there about 2 doctors falling in love,and then his wife (who is also a docotor) comes back, and they start to recouncil. They always show the battle between staying married or going for the excictement of a new love!

WTF! That's my wife's favorite show!!!!!!! So THATS where she gets it!!!! Between that and Desperate Housewives it's a wonder any of us have wives anymore!!!!

And, thanks for the credit for being strong. I don't know if thats what it is but I'll take it. I am trying. I am trying to make sure I look within before coming here and looking for answers. I think it was Kim that told someone (you maybe) that you and I give decent advice but never follow our own. That really hit home with me. There comes a time when the quest for knowledge must end and the time for action arrives. I am trying to act a little more than quest right now.
I am all ears for comments on last night though.

TMU

You are very wise "Jedi Master"! HA HA!
The statement of gaining knowledge and then taking action is so right! I am glad you are able to look within before you react, that shows how much you have grown.
I wish I could have done the same this morning in my sitch!

Oh God Tim, don't think I can always do that. Sometimes it just plain ole fear that keeps me from doing what I really want to do. I think that is actually bad for me. If I was truly DECIDING not to say or do certain things, then that's one thing. Sometimes it is that for sure, but it's the other times when other emotions stop me from expressing myself that I don't like.
Thanks again for the support.

TMU

Ok, time to lift and separate.
Our sitches are different. We try to support each other, but I would love to get the advice, no matter how similar we seem, back to being specifically about our sitches.

To curiosity & Amy,

In my situation, my wife has only been out at night with this guy, and I only suspect she has, 3 times in 3 months.
As for the "grow a set" comment. I have heard that before. If I wanted to exercise my balls, I could have easily done that when she told me, or the next day, or the day after that.
Trust me, it's all I can do to keep DBing and not just unload on her. I don't know what having balls means to you, but to me it means doing what's hard. It means intestinal fortitude and if you think DBing and all this stuff takes less balls than "being a man" and laying down the law, you're dead wrong. Sure, there is fear in doing that, but there is much more appeal than sitting by and "working on myself" while the affair fizzles and she comes to her senses.
I am not looking to be a martyr but I am willing to suffer a bit more for the big picture's sake. If at the end of this she ends up leaving, then fine, same outcome as if I have told her to go in the beginning. She says the stress is getting to her and she's about to have a nervous breakdown. I am not responsible for that. I have done my 180's, dropped my controlling attitude, stopped being angry all the time, been much more helpful in general, and in no uncertain terms told her that this is unacceptable.
For me it's real tough to set any meaningful boundaries when my W sees this guy only in the day when I am at work and the kids are in school. She has only ever taken a call from him once that I know of when I was in the room (it was just to tell him she'd call him back and it was in the car on the way to the walk-in clinic), and I suspect strongly she won't do that again. Really, if I didn't know about the affair, and much of the time I wish I didn't, I would be relatively unaffected other than the obvious change in our relationship (obvious now but..).
The only boundary I have really is to tell her not to see him anymore, and obviously, that is the whole point of DBing and such.

I have stopped journaling so much here for the most part because I used it more as a place to emote than really to pass on information and get advice. I guess I am looking more for a hug than anything else, and that's pathetic on a message board.
Man or woman, it doesn't, or shouldn't matter, DBing is about taking personal stock, not taking personally the things your WAS is doing, and looking toward a time when both of you are ready to work on your relationship. Correct?

TMU

Journaling

Last night was a good night. I went back to the gym for the first time since all this to start back into my weight training (I am running now for cardio). It was hard since that's where I think they met and still see each other. Actually it's a different location I go to closer to work, but the spirit is still there.
The workout felt really good. When I got home, we took the kids out to dinner. For some reason, I could not stop smiling. I know my W noticed. I also noticed that I don't make eye contact much with her. I don't think I really ever have because I did a lot during dinner and it was interesting. I don't really know what got into me, but I was feeling really confident.
We had a great time at dinner, and that is usually not the case since our kids are picky eaters and there is usually some kind of struggle.
It was really nice to feel that way again.
When we got home, more of the same. Wound the kids down, watched a little TV, read some books and put them down. We watched a little more TV, cleaned the house together and then I went to bed while she made the kid's lunch and finished up a few cleaning bits.
I started to lose that good feeling through the night but all-in-all it was a pretty good night.
Today brings who-knows-what.

TMU

TMU

Glad to hear that you had a confidence boosting night. Very positive indeed. Hopefully that will carry throughout the day for you.

In regard to your earlier posting, I agree with you that DBing is really about finding yourself and detaching emotionally from what the WAS is doing and looking forward to the day that both of you are ready to work on the relationship. Although, there must be some realization there that that may not occur for some time.

I thank you for your support throughout this whole ordeal. You, Tim and the others have been fantastic at talking me off the ledge at times and sharing your thoughts. I am truly grateful for all of that and even though I don't know you guys in person, I feel like I know you.

Hi TMU,

Actually I think that you and Tim have totally different situations. Tims has been going at this since early 2005 and already has gone through seperation and a false reconciliation whereas your situation is relatively fresh.

The length of time plays a role in that your wife is still confused and unsure of what the future holds and respects you enough to not contact or meet the OM blatently in front of you, whereas I get the impression that Tim's wife has absolutely no respect for him.

Given the freshness of your situation, I would definately try to provide your wife with a comfortable and safe environment and show her at every opportunity how much you care for her by providing support. Nevertheless, this does not mean that you cannot outline certain boundaries which you would consider as deal-breakers (meeting the OM in your home, exposing the kids to OM, etc.). There must be limits to the abuse you are willing to endure.

Although you must show your wife that you love her, I don't believe that you have to be a doormat to do so. Especially at the beginning you may feel that you being a doormat, but by setting boundaries during this difficult period and eventually enforcing them you will maintain some form of self-respect.

My comment on Tim's thread was not really aimed at you, because I think you are doing a good job so far and you are both at totally different stages.

As somebody once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Should you still be in the same situation a few months from now and you have not changed your strategy, you will get the "get some balls" comment from me.

Tim's situation is different in that she had already left and he allowed her to come back without setting any guidelines for her return. Now she continues to walk all over him and he is continuing to enable her!! That is insanity.

I wonder if any of us will ever get to that point. I mean I know I am stronger now than I ever have been in the past, but then again, my circumstances aren't nearly as severe as some of the others that I've seen on here (at least not at this point).

I believe, at least from reading your posts, that you are a stronger person as well. We all have good and bad days, but if you go back and read your first posts and look at them now, you can see a definite change in attitude.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.