Yes. Very similar I suppose. More than that, we tend to comment a lot on each other's sitch. You're likely to see as many of my posts as his in his thread, and vice versa. Anyway, yes, they're similar and feel free to comment at will.
Hey TMU - I've read this thread but not part 1 yet. I'll have to read that at home. Forgive me if you have already answered these initial ?'s ....
Is your wife interested in getting individual counseling? She really sounds like she needs it.
Has she seen a doctor for the depression?
Does she drink often?
Let me think about your sitch for a while and I'll get back with you. It has a few similarities to mine when my head was all screwed up. At one point, after H & I separated the 1st time, he came home, figuring he could fight for the marriage better from the same house. But all that did was make me angrier although I did get rid of OM at that time because it was just too stressful and I was also seeing sides to him that I didn't like. H & I separated again after 15 months of a stand-off and it was THAT time, when I was all alone, that the change began in me, ending up with me here and DBing my head off with slow, but good, results so far.
Your actions at this point can make all the difference but I know it is hard for you to remain optimistic and upbeat in the face of all this attitude and disrespect from her.
Yes Amy, she drinks most every night, at least at home. Always has since I met her. Sometimes more than other nights, and there are extended times when she does not (when we are at her parents, my parents, etc). In the beginning of my posting here I was focusing on her drinking as a potential source of many of these issues. Since then, I dispensed with the alcoholic angle because my therapist claimed that my issues (I don't drink, and despite my words to the contrary, I don't tolerate people who do very well) needed to be dealt with before confronting her with hers, if she has one. The main thing I was questioning in the beginning of my first thread was the fact that she used to try and hide how much she drinks, a tell-tale sign but when I relived some of my adult life with my C, we realized that almost everyone in my life, from girlfriends to friends did the same because of my intolerance for it. Again, she may VERY well have a drinking problem but I am not going to judge that yet.
As for the doctor/therapist questions, she is an anti-hypochondriac if you will. She does not go to the doctor for anything. She hates them, and therapists are just this side of side-show psychics to her. Talking to her about these things just results in immediate shut down on her part. Add to that the fact that she thinks everything I do is to "get her back." I am trying to figure out how to let her know I want her to get help for her depression without it being about me. I want her to be happy, with or without me. Our kids deserve it as well.
TMU am heading home soon and I am not sure I will be on-line later. Sounds like you could use some help as I did, so I hope the others out there give TMU a hand when e gets back on-line!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I'm here, and Kim, I heard you too. I need to listen more when I post. Thank you for that. Like many here, I know the right things to do, it's just the doing part that sucks. I will journal in the morning. I has been a rough evening and too much to get into (or really just enough that I don't want to type that long) tonight. Thanks as always Tim and all!
Hi TMU, Finally got over to read up on your sitch. You know you do seem to have a fairly good grip on the sitch, well as good as any of us can at this stage.
We all make mistakes along the way but it is truly a process we must go through. As we try different things that people suggest here you will find what starts working for you. It is not until you see improvement or feel you are coping on your own better that the sitch truly grows.
My H and I have been seperated for nearly 12 months so it is no easy road. Yes we are trying to reconcile but still live apart and trust me that is a whole new rollercoaster of it's own, so it's not easy.
I find it interesting that you said your W has always been a drinker pretty much since you met. Why do you think you married her if this is something you can't condone as you knew she had this problem before hand. I may have misunderstood what you said there so I will wait for your answer before i say too much more.
You have been showing great patience and I can see you do want to make it work with your W but try and stop with all the questions and just function for you and the kids and put your W's needs after you and the kids. Maybe if she see's your not hanging on every word or every action and you are actually just worrying about yourself and the kids you may just see a slight change. Worth a shot.
Stay strong and i will check in with you soon...Kim
re: a comment you made earlier about having spoken with your C about wife's drinking....
I understand completely that you can only change the way YOU deal with this situation but what I don't understand is why on earth your C would tell you that your wife's drinking is not an issue right now. The woman drinks (almost) every night. As long as she's at the bottom of a bottle, your relationship is with her drink of choice, not her, the woman. You have no contact with your wife. You deal with her crisis, her attitude and her addiction. I'm having a hard time figuring why THAT would not be an issue. Can you elaborate so I can try to understand....
My wife's drinking may indeed be an issue but my C (only 2 sessions in so far) has been concentrating on easily discovered major issues I have, that I need to work on to be able to get through this thing for ME and my kids. I may have mis-posted. My C did not say my W's drinking was not a problem. She said it may very well be but that my behavior and attitude clouds my judgment on that. It really was just something that was put aside for the moment. I'm sure we'll revisit it very soon. Right now there are SO many issues making things difficult and this may be the major one, I don't know. We have the OM, our history, her needs not being met, my needs not being met, lack of communication, her MLC (maybe), my control issues... I can't really speak for my C in terms of her marginalizing this but once she heard a fair bit of my history with relationships and upbringing, she did, for now. If you read my sitch, somewhere in there you will see that I am really the only one who sees her drink to any extent. I can't say she hides it from other people because she does drink when she goes out, but she's home so much of the time that I would be the only one who sees much of it. Trust me, it is something that bothers me, and like you said, why would I marry someone who does something I can't really condone? Well, I guess I have never really used drinking or smoking, two things I don't do, as a filter for deciding who I dated. I can't answer why yet. It is something my C is wondering too.
Last night was rough. I had been feeling numb, both mentally and physically all day. I was weak and shaky. My W said she felt that way too and was worried. Of course I had nobody to complain to that really cared... So I get home and the W is on the couch, where she usually is in the afternoon these days, looking sick. She kept going outside to get air. She said she needed food. I made dinner for us but before we sat down to eat she started to feel faint. I asked her if she wanted to go to the walk-in clinic. Surprisingly she said yes immediatly. So, with food on the table, we all packed into the car...er...wait, before we packed in, my wife closed her door and asked if I could wait a minute, she needed to make a call...@#$%@#%# So she made her call, gee I wonder who to, and we left. We got the kids drive thru and went to the clinic. On the way my W ate the spaghetti I made and started to feel better. In talking to her I found out that she didn't eat all day. After letting the kids finish their food, she said she felt much better and we didn't need to go to the clinic. I can't help it right now. She's still my W and I know she is in a place where she doesn't give a damn, but I don't return that sentiment. I took care of her. I was kind and reassuring. In the past I would not have suggested going to the clinic, rather I would have tried to get her to rest and hope it passed. Anyway, on the way home, the OM freakin called, AND SHE ANSWERED it with me and the boys in the car. She asked him if she could call back later... So we get home, I eat, she lays on the couch, the kids play. After a bit she's up, feeling much better after eating and resting a bit. We're standing in the kitchen...
M: Are you ok? W: No. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. M: That's understandable with all the stress you're under. W: Something's gotta give here. M: Like what? W: I don't know but I can't be under this stress every day. M: I know, it's hard. It seems like you really have two choices. W: (starts to say something but stops) M: (I wait to see if she will continue but she doesn't) Are you thinking of moving out? W: (Quickly turns toward me looking surprised) NO. Why would I be thinking that? M: I don't know. I don't know what you want right now. W: (no response...pause) M: (moving closer to her) For what it's worth, I have been thinking a lot about things you have tried to tell me for a long time. I understand so much more now. I can't promise anything but I just want you to know that I realize a lot of the things that went wrong with us. W: (no response).
I walked away. It was not really that heavy of a conversation, at least in tone. She went back to the couch and asked if I could rub her back later (the first time she actually asked me to do that in a long time). We watched TV with the kids and then put them down. We watched a little more together and didn't really talk much other than comments on the show. I don't really know what any of this means. I am trying not to analyze it but if you have any opinions, please share. Also, the end of the night was bad for me. Do you watch LOST? If you do, then you know why. At the end of a emotional night, here we are, sitting together on the couch and at the end of LOST, one of the main characters (Mathew Fox) goes home to his wife to tell her that he kissed another woman and it made him realize that he was neglecting his W. He held her and told her he was going to make things better. She pulls away (and about this time, I was off the couch, back in the kitchen...I knew what was coming) and with tears in her eyes, tells him she's leaving him, and that she's been seeing someone else. That was too much. I know it's just a TV show, but after everything I've been through, I couldn't take it. I started up the stairs before it was over trying not to get emotional (failed).
