Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Unique Situation...no...Part 2

Well, I got locked out. What a time for it too.

MAJOR UPDATE:

Last night my W got VERY drunk and said a lot of things that scared me and make me think it's time to have a conversation.
She said, for the first time, that she no longer wanted to be responsible for the boys (I don't think she would ever do anything to harm our boys, so please don't misread me on that). She kept saying she couldn't do this anymore. She kept asking me to take her somewhere. She kept saying she needed to "go". She also said she didn't know if she wanted to live and that she was very depressed.
She asked me if I would be upset if she left, and I don't think she was talking about for the night.
I finally held her and talked her down by gentle reassuring and validation. She eventually fell asleep.
I know she was drunk, but if I look back at our history, some of the same things she told me in the bomb drop conversation, she had already said on the rare occasions when she'd get that drunk, I just blew them off.
I asked her to have lunch with me today. I don't know if she will. If she does, or even if it has to wait until tonight, I think I need to talk to her.
I need to tell her to go to him if that's what she wants. I don't want her around the boys if she is feeling like they are part of her problem. I want to "let go" for real and truly give her the space she seems to need.
Last night was probably one of the scariest nights of my life, and I do not want to repeat it under any circumstances.
I would love to get her to counseling but I know, like always, she will downplay last night and say it doesn't mean anything. Bullsh!t.
I am not angry, nor particularly fearful of her leaving. If she does, then so be it. I can't hold on anymore.
I still want to tell her what I realized about our R and my part in spoiling it, but this may not be the time nor place.
Please, help me. I don't feel emotional right now. I think I am making rational decisions, but something in the back of my mind is saying to just let it be. I just don't know if it's safe to do that right now.
Do I talk to her or not? Let these things slide as more of the same from her?

Thank you,
TMU

If you are new to my thread, here's the gist:

M: 35
W: 36
S3 & S5

We have been together for 10 years, married for 8. On December 30th, my wife dropped the double bomb of "I love you but not in love with you" and "By the way, I've been seeing someone else for about 2 months."

We are still living together, she's acting (usually) as if nothing's going on. The affair continues. She says she doesn't know what she wants but that we're not getting divorced or separated. I have told her I will not wait forever and that I am considering options. I DB daily and have my good days and bad.
If you want the details, click the link to Part 1 of my sitch.

TMU

TMU
Sorry you've had such a rough ride lately. My only advice is that if something is telling you to let it be, then follow your instincts. See what today brings. You don't have to tell her to go to him just yet as you don't seem totally convinced yourself. I do think you need to set some boundries....like OM is not allowed to come to your home and pick up W. Why didn't she drive herself to the dinner??? It seems him picking her up pretty much gave him the power as to when the evening would be over. Also gave your very confused W the "green light" to get drunk and run away from her decisions and choices.

Hang in there

Spitfire

Uh, spitfire, you're getting me and Tim confused. Tim's W is the one who had the OM pick her up. Mine only got drunk last night but was home all night.
That said, some of what you said applies. I am going to see what happens today but I am getting more determined than ever to say something.
If you wanna re-read my post and make any more comments, I would LOVE to hear them.

Thank you,
TMU

Its strange TMU, I've heard similar things from my W during this thing. Typically, she questions whether she was ever happy during her life and how she just wants to "go" (I would embellish here, but this is about your sitch, not mine).
I guess I attribute a lot of this to the whole situation in front of them. They are depressed because, on one hand they see a "life" that seems to promise more, but on the other hand, they don't want to lose the life they've built. Its very hard for them as well. I can see that in my W because she's very torn at times.

That being said, what to do in your situation. You may want to touch upon it with her, just to let her know that some of the things she said concerned you deeply. You're right, she will likely downplay them as drunk psycho-babble, and to some degree, it probably was. But in any event, let her know that you understand what pain this is causing her and also reassure her that you want whats best for her. I wouldn't flat out encourage her to be with OM, becuase quite truthfully, but encourage her to do what will make her happy. Its hard to understand, but its not so much which to choose which makes her unhappy, its the fact that she has to choose that is (if that makes any sense).

Good luck TMU and keep us posted.

Please, I would love to hear comments on my first post of this new thread.

Well, she just called. Like I said, I asked her to meet me for lunch...

H: Hey, I think I am going to skip [lunch]. I am just going to go home, finish cleaning the house and sleep.
M: Ok.
H: I am just not feeling well today, well, really that's every day so...
M: Is there any way that can change?
H: No (sounding agitated). No.
M: Ok.
H: My dad is going to call to ask us to come and see them (they live about 4 hours away). What excuse are we going to make for not going?
M: I don't know, whatever you want.
H: (More agitated) I am asking YOU in case they call you or something.
M: Well, I do have something I need to do this weekend work related.
H: Ok, then do that and I will tell them that's why we can't come.
M: Ok.
H: Well, like I said, I am going to sleep for like 10 hours.
M: Ok, it's just....
H: (agitated) Yea, I KNOW...

I guess I got my answer, or at least I do if I care what she thinks. She is obviously not interested in talking about last night even though it's clearly on her mind. That last "I know" was referring to her "knowing" I want to talk about it.
I am ok with DBing and not bringing it up, which would be a 180 for me, but I am still concerned for her. I guess I listen to her, hear her and honor her wishes?

TMU

Thanks Rob. If my new post gives you more insight, please post more.
In response to what you said, I am just scared. I know fear is one of those debilitating emotions that we need to avoid when DBing but it is the strongest thing in me right now.
Usually my fear is of losing her, but now it's fear for her in general. I am afraid that her depression is progressing beyond the point where she can manage it on her own and as previously mentioned, thats the only way she ever sees fit to handle such things.
I feel like I am sitting totally still, afraid that any movement will set off the bomb that my wife has become. I know that is conflict avoidance. I also know that conflict is probably not what is needed here.
I am going to try my best to NOT do what I always do and grill her about last night. I need to let her know that I am concerned for HER, not so much US and that I just want her to feel better.
Like Tim, for different reasons, I just feel like this is a turning point where my emotional reaction is so different from the past two weeks.
Maybe that's a sign that I need to pull back and NOT react because I am on unfamiliar territory.
Any words of encouragement or discouragement are welcome. Oh, and feel free to elaborate on your sitch here anytime Rob, if it will help me understand my own better, or even if not, please do.

TMU

First off, heed the adage "Don't believe what they say" when they talk WAS speak. She may be telling you how she feels right now toward her responsibilities, but feelings can change.

I need to let her know that I am concerned for HER

Try being more validative, that will show her your concern and also change her reactions. I'll give you examples (It took me a while to figure out who was "H" and who was "M"!):

Instead of this:

H: I am just not feeling well today, well, really that's every day so...
M: Is there any way that can change?
H: No (sounding agitated). No.

Try:

H: I am just not feeling well today, well, really that's every day so...
M: Oh... I'm sorry to hear you don't feel well.

She probably can't get agitated at that response, right?

Instead of this:

H: Well, like I said, I am going to sleep for like 10 hours.
M: Ok, it's just....
H: (agitated) Yea, I KNOW...

Try:

H: Well, like I said, I am going to sleep for like 10 hours.
M: Ok, you rest up. Hope you feel better.

Thanks NYS. I really appreciate the specific help there. In all honesty, when I post these transcripts, I probably don't do so very accurately. I know that I did add in somewhere that I hopes she feels better but dunno where.
In any event, I really like the twist on what I said to make it more validating. I really need to see that kind of stuff because it comes hard to me. What I think is validating is often just trying not to sound upset. Not the same thing.

TMU

I understand the fear you speak of. My wife has said on several occassions that, while she could never do it, her step-sister "got it right". Her step-sister took her own life several years ago. My wife didn't come from a very loving home and there is a history of depression in the family. She has never said that she doesn't want responsibility for the girls. That sums up my sitch.

I think your instinct on this is dead right. You need to pull back and give her room to sort this out. Any emotional reaction on your part will likely push her further down. Avoid the conflict. Let her know you are concerned about her HAPPINESS. Focus on that rather than being concerned for her in general. I ran into this problem with my W, when she used to express these thoughts, I used to tell her that I cared for her deeply and would hate for anything to happen to her, etc. Her response usually was along the lines of "I wish no one cared for me, I just want to be a nobody like I used to be." As hurtful as this was to hear, because I don't believe I ever made her feel like a nobody, I knew that she wasn't looking for empathy or concern about her and, likely, that concern for her was causing her even further pain. Right now, she feels trapped in the situation and you're emotional concern is probably pushing her further into that trap. I guess if there is a positive to this, you should at least take comfort in the fact that she has probably only expressed these feelings to you and not likely to OM.

I really hope any of this makes sense TMU becuase I can sense your pain and indecisiveness.