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Hey hope-

I just caught up on everything, and you do seem to be in a better place today. I had a long talk with my mom and aunt yesterday, and i gotta tell you, i was pretty insightful. Wish i could remember some of it now, as it did pertain to the sitch that we find ourselves in.

I do want to comment on something from your old thread about the L issue. You and H could see a mediator together. The mediator we saw is a lawyer, so he knew about all of the legal stuff. He was a neutral party who DID bring up all issues that an individual lawyer would. He talked about alimony, pensions, social security, etc. I certainly didn't feel shortchanged by not having my own attorney. He also recommended that my H and I each have our own attorneys review the agreement that he wrote up. We didn't, but i felt that the mediator was fair. It was certainly cheaper and less antagonistic. So, keep this in mind as an option, when the time comes.

A lot of the things your H says to you sound like justifications. He is trying to justify his actions. And convince himself that what he is doing is the right thing. You do need to go dark. I know its hard, but it is the only way, i think, that you are going to maintain your sanity. As hard as it is for me not to talk to my H every day, and i do get upset when he doesn't call, i believe that this lessened contact allows me the opportunity to see things a bit more objectively, if not less emotionally. Does that make sense? Constant interaction with your H is only going to make you think and wonder what he means. You literally need to take a breath from all of this crap. And thats okay. I think when we talk to them too frequently, it stirs everything up inside of us and we can't think straight. So, give yourself the break. Someone said that you need to detach from the emotions of the sitch...that is exactly right. You have as much a say in how this plays out as your H does. Its time for you to take back control of your life. So, you start making the decisions. If you don't want to talk about something, then don't. If you aren't ready to take the next step, then don't. Allow yourself some time to digest everything. Prepare yourself for the potential "legal" meeting. Make sure you know what you want, then let him present his proposal. You need to make this about you now. Its been about your H for too long.

Okay, sorry if that came out harsh or strong. Had to get it out.

I hope you had a nice day and were able to get out shopping for the dress for your brothers wedding. It is cold here...i stayed in all day. Take care.

kismet,

Not this time, but there have been times it's been literal!

Found a dress; it's really nice. Black, sleeveless, deep V-neck, assymetrical hem, fitted. I think it's tasteful and classy for a bridesmaid. And it was half price, so I had to buy it. Wasn't going to do better than that.

I did hear from H. briefly this afternoon. Nothing he couldn't have left a message about. There is no joy in his voice when he speaks to me, and he says so little about himself, what he's doing, how he's been. Then I hear him speaking to some guy who's walked up to him, and he puts on a whole different demeanor...his voice changes, he sounds happier. When he comes back to me on the phone, he sounds miserable again. He did have the courtesy to ask me how things are going, what I've been up to. Not that I think he cares; he just asks to make conversation.

Someone I know explained it to me like this: it's depression. When he's talking to me, he lets the true him come out; he takes off the mask and shows how he really feels to me. Around others, the mask goes on, and he pretends all is great in his life, when it actually isn't. He feels comfortable enough with me to show himself to me. Everyone else gets the actor.

I don't know if this is true or not.

Imdi,

Glad you logged on today.

Thank you so much for the legal advice; I appreciate that very much. I will be keeping it in mind. So far, nothing has been discussed further in this area with H. and I. Fine by me.

He is trying to justify his actions. And convince himself that what he is doing is the right thing.
I do think the same thing. I remarked in someone else's thread, he keeps saying "I'm not coming back." I wonder who he's trying to convince, me or him?

i believe that this lessened contact allows me the opportunity to see things a bit more objectively, if not less emotionally. Does that make sense?
Certainly does. And I do understand that I will fair better with less contact. I've done SO well by not calling him, Imdi. I really do not call him anymore...let him come to me.

I think when we talk to them too frequently, it stirs everything up inside of us and we can't think straight
This was me last fall. We had much more interaction back then, saw each other a couple of times a week. I was quite a mess back then, even worse than I've been lately, if you can imagine that.

If he brings anything up again I will listen but I won't agree to anything; I'll just tell him I need time to think about it, because that's the truth anyway.

Thanks, Imdi. I hope you have a good evening. Off tomorrow?

Someone I know explained it to me like this: it's depression. When he's talking to me, he lets the true him come out; he takes off the mask and shows how he really feels to me. Around others, the mask goes on, and he pretends all is great in his life, when it actually isn't. He feels comfortable enough with me to show himself to me. Everyone else gets the actor

Hope, I actually recall having a conversation with my c. about this when wah was really depressed. She said that often they can function quite normally at work etc as just going through the motions, but we get to see the real them as apparently they are relaxed with us.

So yes, I think it is true.

I am thinking that ow probably doesn't get to see this side either. When wah was really bad, ie just sitting there, no talk, I couldn't fathom how any woman would walk away from a marriage to be with this shell of a man, but I guess we are the only ones who get to see the shell?

"Spanky" Lisa,I love it It cracks me up everytime.

Hope- that in itself should make you smile

"spanky"

Lisa_c

kismet,

I guess every case is different but I know with my H., he told me last month that o.w. said he is depressed. I know they have had their share of problems; perhaps he's become comfortable enough with her (after 9 mo. together) to show this side to her as well. He did remark to me this past week that she's been telling him to go home; I don't know why, but maybe she's seen some of his truer colors lately.

Ok, so here I am, trying to be productive, going about my evening. I'm cleaning out the drawers in my nightstand. All is going well, and then I see this: my Valentine's Day card that H. gave me last year.
I am keeping it, but it's going in my hope chest (yes, hopefloats has a hope chest, of course).

I've filled 3 journals since this crisis entered my life 5 mo. ago. I was never much of a journal writer but this has helped me get my feelings out; I do recommend it to anyone who's dealing with a situation like this. What I can't do is go back and re-read some of the entries--too painful. These are also going into the hope chest.

Sassy, I'm about to go try to make a chocolate martini. I've never tried to make one before.

Sassy,

Sad thing is, hope chest is already filled with things I've kept from my marriage. Even if things don't work out for H. & me, I wouldn't get rid of any of them. They remind me of the loving, good man he used to be, not this selfish, irrational person he's behaving like now.

Just wish I hadn't stumbled across the Valentine. He wrote inside, "I love you! Love always, H"
I wish.