I don’t really know what to make of H’s behavior last night. I wasn’t feeling well so I took some medicine and went to bed very early. Shortly after 9pm, I heard my cell ringing. When that stopped, the house line rang. No message left. I went back to sleep. This goes on about every ½ hour until 11pm: cell rings, then house line. I’m not picking up because I’m trying to get some sleep. I heard my cell beep indicating a message had been left (twice), and a message was also left on the home machine. Of course, this was H. calling and I finally got up around 11pm to get some water, and I checked the messages. By the third one, you could hear the attitude in his voice because I wasn’t answering either phone. He was at work, and said he didn’t know if maybe he needed to come by and let our puppy out. [this is ridiculous; he works about 1 ½ hours from our house; furthermore, I’ve never been neglectful of puppy and he knows this.] While I was up, he called yet again and I finally answered. He said he’d been trying to reach me (obviously) and I told him I wasn’t feeling well and went to bed early. He said, “At 9pm?” I said yes, I have an earache. I was asleep. Well, once he figured out that I had been home all along he couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. Maybe he was embarrassed, I don’t know. He apologized about waking me up, and said he would call me tomorrow. I don’t feel encouraged about this; I’m just annoyed. If he doesn’t want me anymore, leave me alone so I can emotionally get over this.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hey Hope. Classic DB strategy in action. Clearly, he wanted to know where you were and panicked when you weren't sitting by the phone waiting for him. Notcie how much better it works when you are doing it because it's what you really feel like doing?
Quote: Hey Hope. Classic DB strategy in action. Clearly, he wanted to know where you were and panicked when you weren't sitting by the phone waiting for him. Notcie how much better it works when you are doing it because it's what you really feel like doing?
Yes, we've been this route your H before...he likes to keep her right under his thumb...that safety net must be within reach. Funny that you found it annoying...I did too when Dave would call all the time.
As we've been saying all along, he's not ready to let go.
Hope- Seems like both of our H's are uncomfortable with not being able to reach us when they want. Why is it so hard to believe that we go to bed early? And that we don't wait around for them to call? Seems like your H was very persistent. And what a "good" excuse...calling about the dog? Good lord...the things they come up with...cracks me up.
If he doesn’t want me anymore, leave me alone so I can emotionally get over this.
That's the thing...i don't think that he has 100% decided that he doesn't want you. Its the threat of losing you that makes him panic, i think. I mean really, 6 calls last night. Just goes to show you how they panic when they are out of their comfort zone....they are so predictable.
I don’t really know what to make of H’s behavior last night.
He's checking up on you Hope because you are detaching and going dark.
By the third one, you could hear the attitude in his voice because I wasn’t answering either phone.
He's not getting what he wants so he's getting pissed off. When he was contacting you a lot, wasn't that also in the evenings while he was at work? No OW around to hear or know of those conversations. Do you see how this works? You back off and he comes around?
I’m just annoyed. If he doesn’t want me anymore, leave me alone so I can emotionally get over this.
It's not up to him. It's up to you. You control this situation. Don't react to him. Don't pick up the phone. You can pull this off in your own sweet "Hope" way. You do not have to be a b@%&h. You can remain the person you are and stick to your beliefs and still send him a message.
You played into his game by answering the phone. Imagine what his reaction would have been had you not picked up at all. You are making progress with your detaching, Hope. You still have a ways to go. I know how hard this is and I'm not critcizing you. Just trying to point out what I see. If you had not picked up, I would not have put it past the man to have driven the 1 1/2 hours to your house after his work shift. If something like this happens again, remain mysterious. You are giving him too much info. He has no right to know what is going on in your life right now....he voluntarily checked out from that.
Turn your cell off at night. It will go directly to VM. If the house phone starts ringing, turn the volume down. You are torturing yourself listening to it ring as I don't think you are at the place to be entertained by it, yet.
I know this is all against the kind of person you are. Doing the opposite of what would be kind and considerate. Doing the opposite of what your H expects. I think they call that a 180 here in DBLand.
Hugs,
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
It is actually good that you are annoyed. That is you letting go. Yeah! but believe it or not, he does still want you. He wants his new life and he wants you to be there for him when he needs it. you need to stay the same for him, nothing changing, there when he expects it, or you upset the apple cart. In essense he is looking to have his cake and eat it too. Keep upsetting the apple cart, throw some oranges in there. He's got to figure out that you are not frozen in time and that he can't presume. Just for the sheer absurdity of this I thought I would share this off the wall observation, some guy in a truck just pulled up in front of my window, stopped picked his nose, and then drove on.
Quote: Why is it so hard to believe that we go to bed early? And that we don't wait around for them to call? Seems like your H was very persistent. And what a "good" excuse...calling about the dog? Good lord...the things they come up with...cracks me up.
I generally go to bed early, well that was before Mr. Tiramisu...now we have an understanding...if I go to sleep early, I do this ingenius thing called, turning off the volume on my cell phone...it really does work HF...you might try it some time.
It's a lame excuse but hey it works for him. So he will continue to use it...taking the dog for a freaking walk. He's not pissed or angry, however, as Chuck told me, he's simply having a temper tantrum because little HopeyFloaty is not there when HE needs her to be there. He feels a tug at that net and reacts accordingly because it's worked in the past...as it did last night, why because you answered the phone. Had you just unplugged it, you could have let him stew on it all night long...
Thanks everyone. Sassy, I actually did turn the volume down on the phone in my room, but I forgot the other phone, so that was what kept waking me up. I could hear it in the kitchen. I knew he wasn’t going to stop calling and waking me up until I answered and so I decided to pick up, just so he’d stop. Honestly, I did not really want to talk to him! Imdi, I know what you mean; he questions my going to bed early as if that’s unheard of. I think it’s his own conscious at work because he knows what he’s doing and suspects I might not wait around forever by myself, either. This puts doubts in his head, as it should. It really was a lame thing to say, that he was worried he needed to come let puppy outside. He knows puppy is well tended to in my care. Shocked, good way to say it: I’m not frozen in time. I’ll admit that I was, but I am better. Al, thanks for posting, too. I’m trying to DB, and I guess it’s working. Spitfire, yes, you are right, most of his calls are when he’s either driving (alone) or at work. Obviously he isn’t going to call me in front of o.w. Thanks for saying I’m making progress detaching; I’m trying. I don’t look forward to his calls anymore. They are never so pleasant and encouraging that I feel we are making progress. I know that he has no right to ask what I’m doing, but he doesn’t have this figured out yet. I often think, if I were to treat him the way he treats me, he would be very upset about it.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Shortly after 9pm, I heard my cell ringing... This goes on about every ½ hour until 11pm: cell rings, then house line.
I checked the messages. By the third one, you could hear the attitude in his voice because I wasn't answering either phone. He was at work, and said he didn't know if maybe he needed to come by and let our puppy out. [this is ridiculous; he works about 1 ½ hours from our house
Let's see, 1½ hours from 9PM would make it 10:30, by which time hopefully, puppy would've been walked if he needed it. By 11PM, 1½ hrs. would make it 12:30 by the time H could possibly walk him, making the timeframe from 9 to 12:30 that H is concerned that pup hasn't been walked, so concerned that he calls every half hour.
How come he didn't figure you weren't home at any point because you might be out walking the dog, duh?
Ha, ha. Anyway, don't you just love it when they make up bogus excuses to contact you?
When one partner changes the dynamics, the other partner either fights and struggles to keep what was the status quo, because that's where they were comfortable, or has to eventually resign themselves to accepting the new dynamics, in which case they change accordingly. The other thing that can happen is that the partner making the initial change (you) can get frightened and go back to the status quo. That partner may slip back to past patterns because the other partner (the WAS) shows anger or aggressiveness as a reaction. Let them do so if that's how they react. It's the storm before the calm.
once he figured out that I had been home all along he couldn't get off the phone fast enough. Maybe he was embarrassed, I don't know.
Perhaps. Behind that, he realized that the reason you weren't answering the phone wasn't what his imagination had stirred up. You know how your imagination might've gotten the best of you too, in those times when you wondered what he was doing with the OW, and your imagination paints vivid pictures of the two of them swirling martinis and eating gobs of caviar while basking in a penthouse apartment, laughing and making merry?... well, he's doing the same thing.
To add to Spitty's thought: Imagine if you didn't answer the phone all night long, and then when and if speaking to him the next day, you did NOT tell him that you were home asleep all night, but rather, remained very vague as to details and everytime he asked you'd change the topic. What would happen then? Similar in my sitch, look how my ex may be experiencing the sense of losing me, and it's partly causing her to think back and reflect and miss me and regret that things went wrong, and express affection for me, and causing her to mist up some.
I don't feel encouraged about this; I'm just annoyed. If he doesn't want me anymore, leave me alone so I can emotionally get over this.
True, there's not anything notable to be "encouraged" about, it's not like he's made any significant changes and improvements in working on his issues, he's still the same guy he was last week. Letting it annoy you though is unfortunate. Let it amuse you for a change, perhaps? He wants his comfort zone, his safety net, boo hoo. Like the Spitty said, 'you're in control now'.
How come he didn't figure you weren't home at any point because you might be out walking the dog, duh? I know. I mean, really. It’s laughable. And puppy has been home alone for longer stretches than that. That partner may slip back to past patterns because the other partner (the WAS) shows anger or aggressiveness as a reaction. Let them do so if that's how they react. It's the storm before the calm No slipping here, NY S. I promise you that. I feel differently now than I did. The storm before the calm…I like that. You know how your imagination might've gotten the best of you Yes, I do. Thing is, I think what I conjured up is a heck of a lot closer to the truth than what H. might have been thinking. look how my ex may be experiencing the sense of losing me, and it's partly causing her to think back and reflect and miss me and regret that things went wrong, and express affection for me, and causing her to mist up some NY S, if you don’t mind my asking, how do you feel about this now? I’ll try to be amused if this happens again. Last night I just felt so under the weather, I couldn’t find anything amusing about it. And I don’t know why he needs a safety net; he’s made it clear he’s “not coming back”. Know what I thought about doing? Calling o.w. (if I had her no.) and saying, “Tell your boyfriend to stop calling me.”
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
