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Hey, dear.

Thanks for sharing that. I realize you can never say never, but at this juncture I can’t imagine parting ways with H. and then allowing him back into my life.

Totally understandable, but here's the point: At that time, it's *your* decision. In other words, if you got involved in Ls and court and all that garbage, that doesn't mean that H isn't going to come back around. So don't let that worry you if you *must* go through mediation or courts or whatever.

However, if H does eventually come around, you certainly get the final say. And you don't have to figure out today or tomorrow or this week whether you'll take him back. You can wait to figure that out until the day he comes back.

Put one foot in front of the other, try to put your R with H in the back of your mind and let the cards fall as they may. Hang in there!

Well, here's my 2 cents...i don't really know much about this commitmentphobe crap, but i think that they see how things how they want to see things when they want to see them. Meaning, whatever is convenient for them. So, right now, he doesn't see his R with ow as being suffocating. But, maybe down the road, he will. Its all about perspective, and theirs is obviously skewed right now. Make sense? i don't know.

if you got involved in Ls and court and all that garbage, that doesn't mean that H isn't going to come back around. So don't let that worry you if you *must* go through mediation or courts or whatever.

I try to keep this in mind, P&DBing. I want to make it clear that if I ever decide to proceed with anything legally it will NOT be some kind of ploy to try to get H. running home because I've scared him by using some tactic.
If I proceed, it's because I'm done; it will be for my benefit, not for his. That much I know. I don't play games and H. knows this.

Hope ~ your thread is always the most thought provoking. Got my grey matter ticking away.

Mmm I think I need to check that "Men Who Cannot Love" book out. I am sure wah is one of those, I really don't think he even loves himself, and probably is the product of 2 parents who couldn't love. Well that is where that legacy stops ~ let's hope S14 doesn't inherit.

However, if H does eventually come around, you certainly get the final say. And you don't have to figure out today or tomorrow or this week whether you'll take him back. You can wait to figure that out until the day he comes back.


PD&B I love this. Hope do you feel powerful? It certainly made me feel empowered. Oh and you can always change your mind ~ nothing is set in stone.

It is true though, if it is meant to be it will be. Years ago, a friend of mine's parents split up after 30 years of marriage. He moved in with some young glamorous thing, and then 2 years later, they were back together again, stronger than ever.

I guess the main thing was they didn't care what other people thought as a lot of people were saying "How could she take him back?", but they rose above it.

Stay strong. And yes I love that word tranquility. Here's another one ~ Serendipity (I always wanted a daughter so I could call her that but realised it would be cruel ~ probably get labelled Dippy )

I've also wondered how my H would react if I decided to file for D and turned the tables on him. So often I suspect my MIL is the one pushing him to leave me (not that she made him cheat.) My MIL is on husband #3 and in all, besides mine, has wrecked 4 marriages.

I always thought my H and I would be the kind to D and then remarry. So many of you have mentioned that before the bomb you never fought. That was not the case for us. We fought like cats and dogs but we always used to make up. We just had a tumultuous relationship.

Unfortunately when I thought we'd be the type of couple to D and then remarry I didn't realize how much actually having a D would suck.

Sorry for the hijack.

SuperStressed

and I hope that your not done.

I keep watching. we are not far apart as it seems all along. We can make it.
no game playing.
You do have an advantage over me re: legal process, with no kids you don't have the pressure of needing child support which could casue you to file without it being over.
You know my stich, I hit a foodbank rather than file for support.
But don't say never. there may be a financial reason to file that you never thought of.
Honest I once said I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. Now I want my cheater back.

Hope,

Looks like we're trying to knock out your thread today!

I caught on to something that I think you're trying to get across in your replies to me and realized that I wanted to clarify something I posted earlier. By no means would I suggest that *you* pursue legal action against your H. Any of my posts have been written under the assumption that your H is going to take you into that fire.

If you file, then obviously we know you've gotten to a place where you're done. Plain and simple. And by the time you would reach that point, you're right: You prolly wouldn't want him back.

My thoughts revolve around your H pulling you into the legal arena -- maybe that's because that's how it's played out in my sitch and because it appears your H is a lot more anxious about "finalizing" things between the two of you than you are ... at least for the time being.

Now, with all that being said, I have to agree with kismet: If it's meant to be, it will be. Some people may not agree with that. And I don't believe that things just "happen" to people; certainly, it takes some work on our part.

I think a lot can happen in 24 hours, Hope. I've always said that. Just think of everything that can happen in a week, a month, a year. There's absolutely no way we can predict what's to come, so might as well not plan too awful much for the future. You can make plans for yourself, but not for your M, as you know.

Keep kind to yourself, okay? You're really doing a fabulous job, and you've got a lot of support.

kismet,

Glad to see you here. The book is very interesting and I have found things inside that pertain to my WAH. At first I didn't understand how a married man could fall into this category, but there is a chapter about married men. You should check it out.

No, I don't feel powerful right now. If you want to know the truth, I feel very much unloved and taken advantage of. I know H. has problems, but a real man, a strong man would not treat a woman this way. I still want to save my marriage though. I'm very willing to put everything I've got into that. How long I will feel this way is another story. I can't wait forever.
Thanks for your thoughts!

superstressed,
Hi there. Interesting how you think you and your H. would be the type to D. and remarry. I have to say I can't imagine doing that, but it seems we have heard a lot of stories about this here on the board. Maybe it's true: you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

shocked,
Hang in there, too. I think about you and the kids all the time. You have amazing strength and it always comes across in your posts. I admire what you are doing.
Not making any movements right now, just thinking about what may come, once we get past winter here. However, P&DB'ing is correct: a lot can happen in a short amount of time. We just never know. So, I have to try to lasso my thoughts and make sure I don't get ahead of myself here. I think what happens is that I want a resolution just so I can get OUT of this awful mess one way or the other and have some peace. I'm sure we all feel that way.