Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Building a Mystery...

nys says:
"I didn't give you that book recommendation to give you hope however, it was to help you understand the possible reality of your sitch."

it did help me understand what I may b going through. I hope that is not my sitch but we'll see.

If CP is part of H’s problem, then I can only assume that if he and I were to file and D., he might then view his R. with o.w. as more trapping than he sees it right now. I’m filling that role in his life currently. If our marriage ends, then his R. with her will be what may feel suffocating. I could be wrong, but it seems like that would be how the pattern would go.
Vinces, I don’t know what the chances are that my M. can be saved. I also don’t know if H. could stand to be alone; thus far, he hasn’t been at all. When he ended things with o.w. in Dec. for a short period of time, he semi-came back home (spent one night). He began talking about a R. with me again, but this lasted only a few days, then he went back to o.w. I actually wish he would spend some time “alone” (no o.w., and also not officially back with me) because I think this is what he really needs.

If CP is part of H's problem, then I can only assume that if he and I were to file and D., he might then view his R. with o.w. as more trapping than he sees it right now.

Yes, that's a possibility. It's also a possibility that the OW may be uncomfortable having him freed up and dumped in her lap. It's also possible that H may escape any suffocation with OW by having another OW. Or by calling you back up (but that would suck!) And so it goes.

I actually wish he would spend some time alone (no o.w., and also not officially back with me) because I think this is what he really needs.

Forget about what he needs, dearie. What do you need that has nothing to do with him?

Actually, NY S, there's a part in the book under Curtain Call, that talks about expecting him to make contact just as you're moving on with your life. I guess it has something to do with finally seeing you as NOT holding him down anymore, and he tries to start from the beginning (pursuit) again. I see this in H. already, as he's said he didn't want to cease all contact with me if we did D. (we have no children, though, so there isn't a big reason to stay in contact).
What do I need? Tranquility. Even the word is beautiful.
I need to give H. a few more months but to let it be known that I realize he isn't coming back. I am not going to push to do anything in the middle of winter, but I can tell you that come spring, I think I am going to be done with this, if he doesn't end it first (or do a 180 and want to come back). I'm just tired of feeling taken advantage of. I still love him very much but I do not like the way he is treating me at all.
I just have to be sure before I do anything because I really want no regrets down the road, and I know a lot of women who told me that they were in my position once, and they filed after months of waiting...and ended up regretting not waiting a little longer. I do not want to be added to their list.

Actually, NY S, there's a part in the book under Curtain Call, that talks about expecting him to make contact just as you're moving on with your life.

Thanks, I know, I recommended the book to you. Actually the sense of the Curtain call segment is more that they seek to restablish contact because without the R pressures there, they begin to miss the good stuff. The LB moving on is more about the CP now feeling they're forever going to lose you. You know what a powerful motivator THAT can be, right?

I guess it has something to do with finally seeing you as NOT holding him down anymore, and he tries to start from the beginning (pursuit) again.

That's kinda the sense of it, yes.

I see this in H. already, as he's said he didn't want to cease all contact with me if we did D. (we have no children, though, so there isn't a big reason to stay in contact).

Guess we're in a similar sitch there, huh?

What do I need? Tranquility. Even the word is beautiful.

OK, so how will you acheive that for yourself?

I need to give H. a few more months but to let it be known that I realize he isn't coming back.

Huh? Why have a need to make anything like that "known" to H at all? I don't get it.

but I can tell you that come spring, I think I am going to be done with this, if he doesn't end it first (or do a 180 and want to come back).

Well... determined dates don't rule feelings or circumstances, so come Spring time you may find you've amended plans, or wish to. Too many ifs...

I'm just tired of feeling taken advantage of.

So the guy says to the doctor, "My arm hurts when I move it this way" and the doctor says, "Stop moving it that way".

I still love him very much but I do not like the way he is treating me at all.

Oh honey... this must be getting old... he's a WAS and will act like WASs do. You're NEVER going to like it, you're NOT expected to. But you do have to detach and accept it.

I know a lot of women who told me that they were in my position once, and they filed after months of waiting...and ended up regretting not waiting a little longer. I do not want to be added to their list

Well, I'm sure this makes sense to them, but not to me. I just got divorced a couple of months back, right? Yesterday my ex writes me indicating her fog is lifting. While reconsicliation may never happen, or while if it does happen it can still be far down the road, or tomorrow... What the heck does my divorce have to do with a frickin' thing??? Our relationship continues! Her positive feelings with me are NOT erased.

Hey, Hope. I totally agree with this:

(NYS) What the heck does my divorce have to do with a frickin' thing??? Our relationship continues! Her positive feelings with me are NOT erased.

I'm copying and pasting something I posted on TTS's thread yesterday. Mine was kind of an "extreme" case (and not a D), but I think it proves a point:

I know it's not much, but this has been a thought for me the past while since H and I are apparently going to tango in court:

Many people may disagree with me, but if your H wants to be with you, I don't think he'll let previous court action or whatever stand in the way. When I was preggo with my first daughter, my XH and I went through court things -- really ugly ones. He signed his paternal rights over and everything (we weren't married yet). I despised him at the time, quite frankly. Never wanted a R with him; just looking at him made me sick. That's when I was 5 months preggo.

Four months later, my D9 was born. Three months after that, I was preggo again ... by the same guy.

Point is, feelings can change, even if the courts are/have been involved. Just my .02.

(However, I'm not recommending going the court route; I'm just suggesting that it might not be the end all, be all.)

Hope,

Tell me more about these women who regretted filing and wished they had waited a little longer. Why did they file? Why did they regret it? Did they want their H's back?

I'm having a confusing day. I'm going over to my thread to journal.

Spitfire

Tell me more about these women who regretted filing and wished they had waited a little longer. Why did they file? Why did they regret it? Did they want their H's back

My 2¢. They probably filed because they were angry/frustrated/thought it would send a message that would prompt a turnaound. They regret it because they're not any happier/it didn't cause the result they hoped for.

The mistake they make, if that's their thinking, is that if they had not filed but held off, their outcomes would be different.

Spitfire,
To answer your question, I’ll tell you about one of these ladies. She is my aunt. In her case, she was married to my uncle for over 30 years. Turns out he was a serial cheater. There was also alcohol abuse on his part involved. He left, they played the limbo game for quite some time. She got tired of waiting for him to turn himself around and work on things, so she filed. She wasn’t expecting this to prompt a turnaround; by the time she filed she really believed there was no hope left. She is a wonderful lady and met someone else after dating for a while; she has since remarried. My uncle has had a few R’s but nothing that has lasted. He is presently alone. Although my aunt is happy it’s obvious that a part of her still loves her first H. very much. He’s turned to her in recent years as someone to talk to (I think he’s very lonely now). He’s shown some remorse to our family for what he did and I think he misses what he had. In talking with my aunt, she did tell me she wishes she had waited longer before filing.

NY S,
H. has expressed a great deal of frustration over the fact that I just don’t “get it”; that he isn’t coming back and he doesn’t know how he can explain it to me so that I understand. It would be a 180 if I calmly looked right at him and said I understand—you’re not coming back. If he’s made that decision, maybe it’s time for him to start making more of them to finalize our R.

P&DB’ing,
Thanks for sharing that. I realize you can never say never, but at this juncture I can’t imagine parting ways with H. and then allowing him back into my life.

NY S,
H. has expressed a great deal of frustration over the fact that I just don't "get it"; that he isn't coming back and he doesn't know how he can explain it to me so that I understand. It would be a 180 if I calmly looked right at him and said I understand - you're not coming back.

He's told you that because you kept pursuing. If you stop pursuing, he won't get the message that 'you don't get it'... he'll get the message that you do. Hence, words aren't really needed, actions are. That's your 180 right there, ma'am.