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splash splash - more cold water...

I bet you already know that when you're having such a tough emotional day, and you already recognize that, it's a really bad time for an R talk. I've learned the hard way, and think I can honestly say I haven't screwed up for the whole year already! Day 17 and counting.

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I think I deserve to tell him how he made me feel
and *my point of view* and because that is what M is all about, right?!!

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Danger! Danger! You do deserve it, you do have a point of view, marriage is about sharing feelings. BUT - Is this THE RIGHT TIME?

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I just felt like letting go for a bit

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Nothing wrong with that, put it on coast. Especially when you feel like you are today. Another day will be here when the sun comes up, it's okay to let it go.
((((always))))

WCW, thanks for your wise words of calmness. H came home LATE (1am) from work (typical). I got upset in general, and a little came out at him, when I asked about his parents (who have stopped talking to me and I think dislike me a lot) reaction to my grandmother dying. I was upset at their lukewarm response and no attempt to call me, though I was VERY supportive when they had deaths in the family. It hurt a lot. I was feeling really overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted and very sad yesterday to begin with. So I had a meltdown, that at first H was mad at (he thought I was trying to pick a fight, I got defensive, and then backed off and was honest, I was sad). He was supportive then, and said sorry. I know his parents are not his fault. He went through a lot with my parents initially too and took it with such great stride, never blamed me, so I am trying to do the same.

This morning, I was very sad. We went to workout together and I just calmly blurted all that I felt during our M, his anger, impatience, me not feeling wanted, etc. He at first was very defensive, said he did not agree, but it was a perception of mine. I was sad...I then said that I was not the only one who thought this, and that seemed to really knock him to his senses. He asked more and more, and I elaborated, in a very calm way, the way he was. I asked him if he honestly did not see that in himself. He said yes, but he was not that all the time, and I said yes, it wasn't, and neither was I a bit** all the time either.

We then talked about how somewhere along the way we hurt each other, did not talk, did not change even when we did talk, stopped trusting in each others love, felt unloved, and acted on it. I told him that what was sad is that in reality the opposite is true. I was honest and told him that I had resented him, disliked being with him at times, stopped trusting him and had a hard time finding solace in him (turning to him when I am sad). I told him that I am trying to break that and turn to him more. He said he was doing the same. I know the only way that will be fostered is if the trust increases and I make myself a person he wants to come to...I have seen him come to me more when sad. We talked about how we had really distanced over the years and lived in lots of misconceptions about the other. I told him I had a hard time believing that he liked being with me and I was not a chore or task. He felt the same. We agreed that we went through a hard time in life and had allowed that to distance. He said that in ways, he felt closer to me now than ever (the talks, open emotions of crying, etc).

We agreed that we would get through this. He said he was sorry about the stress, of us still uncomfortable. He did not bring up his family at all, and I told him that I still loved them so much, mourned their loss in my life, and he understood and was sad. I told him that I did not link that to him at all. I understood how they felt. I do feel that they got a really biased side of the picture when H was feeling hated by me, and don't see that it takes 2 to ruin a good M. I have to stop thinking about things I cannot control.

Well...that's the update. I tried to be a more calm, open, gentle person to talk to. To understand that this is hard for him to realize that he could have been a better H. To be compassionate. It's clear, and sad, that we have a lot of distance between us. All we can do is try to bridge that together one piece at a time, and make sure it's really strong this time.

I'm feeling better today. I have to dig myself out of this slump. I feel that I am letting healing time pass by...

It's clearer to me each day that M has a lot of growing pains. I see couples that I don't hear of having tough times and I wonder if that is true, or they do and we don't hear about it. I heard stats that every couple does, and they make it work. H had mentioned that this weekend. I believe we have soul mates, true partners, but I also believe we are individuals. M is a dance. You grow into it, and most of the time it's beautiful, sometimes it hurts like he!!. I guess it can only make it stronger. Rediscovering each other and growing the bond back is so tough. It's funny though, H and I have been through more than one tough time together (this is the hardest), but in a way, it feels like we've grown up together, and I can say, even with the distance, there is no one I have loved more intensely in my life (we have no kids!!). I guess that is enough said.

Thanks for your thoughts and advice, it really helps to not feel so alone.

Anyone reading this today: remind yourself of at least 1 way that bonds you tighter to your spouse than anyone else on the planet. Something you know about them, experience, etc.

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Anyone reading this today: remind yourself of at least 1 way that bonds you tighter to your spouse than anyone else on the planet. Something you know about them, experience, etc.

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Thank you for this little piece of advice. It was just what I needed on this dreary day!

Glad it helped bring you out of a slump, Strong!

Speaking of strong, it's what I'm feeling more of today (which is good because I don't think I could have melted down more yesterday).

I resolved (we'll see how long I can stick to it) to not worry, or even think about, things I cannot control or have no power over. IE: what my in-laws think of me. It takes 2 to screw up a M, and I am taking my share of the blame and changing. I cannot help what they think. I cannot care for now--wow, getting tough love on yourself really works...a release.

Had a great day at work, worked out this morning, felt great...overall a nice day. I tried to get out of this vortex of M-fixing that I've been in for 2.5 months to take stock of the rest of my life, things that I need to turn attention to, things that I look forward to. What a great feeling.

I'm also realizing that this refocus and balance is helping me to be not so emotionally overfocused on the M, which makes me more apt to forgive, accept, let go and love.

Efforts to bridge the gap to a better M:
1) Give H some space and alone time (something he never has)....let him go out alone, etc.

2) At the same time, do things with H that will give you time together, make it fun and cheery.

3) Will yourself to be less nervous, more carefree, gentle and kind. Just a good friend.

4) When you're feeling blue, happy, etc, turn to him.

5) If you think of little nice things to do for him, do it. Don't hold back and second guess.

6) Don't expect anything in return (hard work on this one).

&) Be calm and constructive about R talk, don't make it a big ordeal to talk R, just casual when driving, doing chores, etc. Make it more a normal topic.

8) Be understanding and patient with H.

9) Thank H for kind things he does for you, really makes a difference. Let him know that he makes you happy.

10) TOUGH time at work for H. Be supportive and do extra nice things for him (that you used to do). Acts of love.

Hmmmm.I think 10 is enough for now....

Any advice? Am I being short-sighted or simple here?

I don't think you are being short-sighted or simple. I think your list sounds great. Not all steps forward have to be monumentous, baby steps count just as much.

Thanks for visiting my thread yesterday. I really appreciate it.

~StrongEnough

Great list! one thing to add to 6) Don't expect anything in return (hard work on this one). not only don't expect, don't be or show disappointment when it doesn't happen.

Great point, WCW!! We all know that that is where the REAL hard lies, to just take any answer, non-reaction, reaction and be OK with it. A fine art....

Last night was nice. H wanted to go into town for haircut, and I did not really need to go, had house chores to do. ALso, thought it might be nice to give him some space. I let him know that he could go alone for space, jsut so he knew that I was not blowing him off (as he invited me). He said that it was not his preference, but he was OK with that if I wanted to stay. I decided to go, keeping to my goal of spending time with H for reconnection (but also my goal of giving him space).

In the "give space" goal, I try not to always be in the same room as him, chatting away--yesterday, I found things to do in another room, and he came to talk and I engaged cheerfully, but still kept my nose in work. he does this all the time--might be that he needs space and not my overfocused attention.

We chatted in the car. He asked how I felt (after meltdown), I told him my thoughts, too overfocused on us, need to focus on other things, feeling more confident and at peace, can't worry about things I can't change....he shared similar stuff. I openly shared with him how I felt about his family, and said that I loved them and understood, but it was still painful, and I hoped he would understand that it was normal. He did. I shared with him some reasons why I thought they acted the way they did--I also said that I was done obsessing over it (basically letting him know that it hurt and I was dealing maturly)...I think he feels guilty talking about it, like most men, because it hurts me, and also because he contributed to why they feel the way they do (he talked to them and shared all the horrible things I did, really convinced them with stories, etc--his right to do that, I did it with my mom, but now he feels the consequences,and sees that probs are fixable). He really listened and it was nice. I incorporated some calm, non-personal R talk/issues...how it was nice to tell him about what I felt, how it was nice for him to know that he did things too (takes 2 to make and break), that I feel that we went through a rough 3 years in many ways that we were just so focused on keeping the seams together in life that we forgot to work on our M. We were stupidly confident that it could take our neglect. He agreed and piped in some (he was VERY tired and admitted to that). I did notice that when I asked if he was tired/bored, he really tried to engage more. That was nice, because he usually does not, and it's frustrated, like having a convo with yourself. Now, when I feel him get like that, I quiet down and engage insomething else (no pressure to talk), and I notice that he picks up and starts talking and sharing again.

Basically I am trying to weave neutral R talk in other life experiences (when we share lessons about other things, I say "yeah, like we did in our M, we neglected, over confident, etc). Makes it more normal, and he seems more comfortable to share (or so I think). I only talk R because he said it was one of the things that really made him feel like it was OK, and closer to me....at the end of each convo, even when painful, he would say that he felt better and closer.

We had a nice night out, talked, shared day to day life. etc. Still little affection between us. That's OK. I don't give or ask too much. I had some cake at work yesterday leftover and I wanted to share a piece and I took it to him. He thanked me. I try not to hug, smooch, say ILY overly, just normally and back off....no pressure to him and see if he comes back. I do notice in ways that he does. We had a nice morning today, and he actually kissed me before he left. For once I did NOT say "You don't have to do that" nor did I jump out of anxiety. I just said thanks. THis morning, I was up and doing things, and he came over and put one of his shirts on me for warmth, that was nice.

How pathetic is it that I count the little things that he does as so unique when they were so normal. I guess that's where I let things go....was stupid to take them forgranted as "normal" when I should have always treasured it. In so many ways, I feel like when we first met--counting all the signs of affection, analyzing things said, etc. As cute as those times were, I really dislike reliving them....they were so filled with insecurity, etc.

Anyway, rambling again...sorry.

Thoughts floating through my head as I lay down to sleep last night....

Nice night. H didn't come home until after I had slept, and I had spent the evening doing boring chores, but felt calm and peaceful. So nice=he had gone out of town and brought back yummy desserts, and came into the room to see if I was still awake to eat them (at 11pm??!!!--OK, I'm game!!). I could see that he was eager for me to eat the treat, so I got up and did, while he ate dinner that I had made. We had a really nice chat, as he shared his excitement over new projects at work. We were friends.

Several times last night I stopped to think about how I was feeling--peaceful and content. It was nice. I thought of past things that would usually make me mad, and I did not get a rise. I thought of the future, and was excited in a way to get things done in many aspects of life (as we all do--those small and large goals). I wasn't excited, ecstatic, joyous, enthused===just peaceful and content.

Then I thought, perhaps this is what love is. Not the giddy, butterflies, heart-stopping fireworks, the stomach in your mouth. Maybe it's peace and content. Maybe we've been trained to see that as "settling" or not good enough, and the cue to look for something (or someone) more. Of course, the giddy butterflies are wonderful, and if I could bottle that feeling of first love, I would be RICH woman. But, is that what makes it last? Is that what I should set as a goal, what I should be waiting for, something fleeting? Maybe we need the sparks in the beginning to make the bond (like chemistry, the most energy is spent on making the strong bond b/w molecules, and after that it is low energy to keep it together). H brought a treat, which he used to do, stopped and now did again. That is our spark now, little kind acts for someone you love. He told me that once, long ago, when he saw a poem he wrote. He said to me that his love then was desperate, crazy, and now he loves me more in many ways, but shows me by doing chores around the house, building a shelf, getting a dessert.

Maybe it's time we started looking for the little sparks, and to know that peace and content is true love.

Sorry for being so cheesy....just some thoughts on my mind of marriage and expectations. I know that this stuff is written everywhere, but I just came to the realization recently. It's nothing earthshattering, but worth me thinking about.

You're there today, that's great. Peace, for a day at least.

Seems like everywhere I turn people are talking about sparks. Sparks can turn into a raging ugly fire, or if you fan them just right they will be a content glowing flame. It's up to us.

Tried to hold onto the peace today--had some difficulty and tumbles at the end of the day (I find that I am mostly positive right up until the hour I come home, hmmmm). I started to think negative and allowed myself to do so for a little bit. I also thought of all the nasty things I did, and that calmed my negative feelings down, got me out of the slump. We BOTH have to move forward, and I can't stop doing my part. Got a package from ILs today, and that really didnt' set me off as much as I thought (maybe because it actually HAD MY NAME on it, so they are not ignoring me and actually realize that I am STILL their son's W!!!!!).

Nice to see a trigger that did not do much. Maybe I'm getting a hold on this peace thing? Detachment? Whatever....well, one day at a time.....let's not get too ahead of ourselves.

H isn ot home tonight, we're having dinner with a friend, that should be nice. I will try my best to be positive, but not too clingy, etc. Just normal, balanced.

I think the beer is helping too!!

Thanks!!!