2005 seemed to be a deadly year for me, I'm only hoping that 2006 brings me new in-sites into my behavior and why I failed as a husband. I guess from childhood I have carried around this anger and, of course, everyone knew why except me. (do we ever really take a good look at ourselves?) One good thing that came out of this situation was that my counselor showed me how this was not only hurting the people around me, but myself also. I am happy to say that he also showed me how to forgive my mom and for the first time in my life I can see things a little clearer and I seem not to carry that burden around any longer. Of course, I have much more to learn.
I do want to ask you also for forgiveness for all the times I hurt you and for pushing you into an affair. For all the years I've known you, I know this is not who you are. Forgive me. Don't misunderstand, I do not mean to diminish your responsibility in this affair and it's consequences, but I do want to own up to my part. Please forgive me for putting you through this, as I still Love you and always will. I know you'll probably think I'm a pathetic hopeful, but I'm trying to create a new environment for you to want to come back too and we can be a stronger family unit. I know other guys maybe can show you better things, but you, you have my and the girls' heart always.
Wow xrd, that was SO close to what I would REALLY like to tell my W most of the time, it's scary. I am really glad you posted that. I think if you keep reflecting on that and internalize it, you can use it as motivation to stay the course and make yourself better. The part about not diminishing her responsibility is so true. We seem to take so much of the blame for this on ourselves, but in the end, we only contributed to a situation for which there were many different ways for her to deal with. She chose the most hurtful and selfish of these ways. We love them, and thats the bottom line for us. We may not have known how to express that, but we are learning...right in time for them to walk away. Keep up the work on yourself and keep posting. We are ready, willing and able to support you.
It saddens me to have to write you a letter like this. Never would have imagined it, but if I step back, I should have seen it coming.
We did marry young; you have made that clear, and you are right. I guess that I thought despite that fact, we were both just lucky enough to have found the right person for each other the first time out. I guess I thought we got it right sooner than most.
For 8 years, our life together consisted of never settling down. We moved around a lot due to your job with the military, and I was fine with that, because I was so proud of you. It also afforded us so many experiences that I'll always cherish. The memories we made then are priceless to me.
When we moved back to our home state, we were still unsettled. You changed jobs a couple of times, we had an apt. and were house-hunting. Finally, you started your career with the department and we bought our little dream starter home. Just when things began to look settled...9/11.
Chaos. Destruction. Much more time apart again. You were pulled away from our life at home to deal with the repurcussions of that awful day, and then you began deploying with the guard. More time apart. Never settled down. Little did I know, but this is how you need to live.
Finally, in 2004/2005, the dust was settling. We were together much more often. We had our home and weren't going to be moving around anymore. I began to see our future. You began to feel trapped. And that's when you began an affair.
I tend to think if we had lived a more 9-5 life together, you may have done this sooner than you did. But the nature of your work afforded you all the distractions you needed so that you didn't have to focus on your problems, the lack inside yourself, the dread of normalcy. I guess the drama fed you for as long as it could, until it ran out and you had to face a stable, married lifestyle...which is not what you want right now.
And so it comes to this. I miss you very much. I wish things didn't have to be the way they are, but I know you are not capable of being a husband to me right now. Perhaps you won't ever be. I'm not sure I'm ready to fully let go of the hope.
Love, hopefloats7
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
My dearest wife,
WAKE THE F$%@ UP!!!!!!!!HAVENT YOU HAD ENOUGH FUN AND F$%^!#G around yet.
Sincerely
ME
Sorry if that was harsh for some of your eyes and ears.
