Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Where's my pot of gold?

Hi there--thanks for your post on my thread today. I'm new here too, and it is hard to dispense advice to folks here who are SO great and knowledgable...I'm just muddling through (or so it feels on many days).

You sound great today. I think we must be on a similar wavelength...I'm feeling the same today too. I had a meltdown yesterday (you prob. read on the post) where I realized that I had let a lot of other things in life slide and lose focus while being hyper-focused on M. I want that back.

I love your goals. They will really make you feel better about YOU!!! I started working out again, and found that mentally, it makes me feel great...brings me out of a funk (esp. when in the morning). Think of all the things going great in your life (friends, kids, work, etc). Take solace in the things you DO have under control...it makes you feel better.

GO OUT!!!! I initially HATE going out when I'm feeling blue, or have others over, but afterwards, I can think of nothing better.

Do your nails, put on a nice outfit, grab some nice dinner and have a few drinks....ask your cousin to drive!!! Let yourself free for a night. You know, work that into your schedule regularly....so you don't feel resentful for being "chained down."

I think your H will be happy when he sees how happy you are. Let him know where you are and what time you'll be home, carry your cell, but let him know that you need this. Not to get away from him, but for balance in life. I can see where he is skiddish, he wants you back and wants to be a great H, and is afraid that he is being replaced. My H did the same thing. He was insanely busy at work, and I thought instead of always making him feel guilty for not being there with me, I would find my own fun and that might make him feel better...NOT. He felt that I had a better time alone. So explain your reasons so it doesn't backfire.

You seem to be doing great. Fostering that reconnection after such a distance in M is so hard, I'm finding.

FUNNY--if you ever feel blue...I saw that you posted on Finally_Free's thread...just imagine yourself lucky not to be married to him!! ha ha ha!

StrongEnough,

Haven't given much advice lately but felt compelled to jump in here, it kind of struck a chord.

I think Sage has given you some pretty good advice and you might want to re-read some of it. I'm not going to rehash it, but I've lived it too...who am I kidding??? I'm still living in the stage you are in and we've been back together for about two years. This stuff takes time.

Sure, I'm seeing some progress, but never as much as I think there should be. I want it solved now!! And that's not happening. Should I leave? Should you? Maybe, but that's a decision we each make on our own. We can make it today...or wait until tomorrow. I usually opt for procrastination . Hey, what can I say, it keeps me going when other methods have failed.

I said I wasn't going to rehash Sage's comments but there are a couple of real gems in there:

First

Piecing is not for the faint of heart.

Boy isn't that the truth!


Second (I loved this one):

I know that most people are happy when they reconcile with their spouses......I just really need some input on this.



It's REALLY common to struggle with negative feelings once the WAS returns. 'cause you've been in self-preservation mode for a long time and then all of a sudden, you are faced with confronting all the anger, hurt, betrayal, etc, that wasn't right in front of you.


Where in the heck did you get that idea? Read some of these Piecing Threads. Why do you think most of us are still here?

True some of the posters just slide right back into a great marriage but that's the minority. For a lot of us it's a gradual climb.

OK, enough high-level advice. Here's one last point that may give a little immediate gratification:

Quote:

---

So, two things jump out at me here...first off, the ASSumption that you need to be 100% READY to recommit.


This is not an ASSumption. H has flat out told me that he needs me to put forth 100% into this R. He expects me to be totally 100% committed emotionally, physically and otherwise. He doesn't want to hear that I can't give that. In HIS mind, it is unacceptable to expect anything less.

---

Think about it? If it's UNACCEPTABLE, and you routinely tell him that you aren't sure of your feelings for OM or you level of commitment...and he's still around... uh, just how UNACCEPTABLE can it be???

My point is that we all want it to work RIGHT NOW!!! Sometimes it doesn't. You have to work it through, so does he. We all just try to figure it out. But you do need to keep in mind that he can make a decision too, so don't take any longer than you have too or it might not be your decision anymore.

OK, I'll shut up now.

Take care and do the best you can. That's all you can really do.

Thanks for your post Always. I know how it feels to be "muddling through" most days. I am the same way. Feel like we have been at a stalemate for almost a year now.

I did read your post and I am glad that you are feeling better. How easily we slip into a funk when we are in piecing. So hard to get out of.

I do get out every now and again, usually with my mom. We have a shopping habit And I always have my cell with me. But, like H told my counselor, how does he know I am not meeting my ex-bf at the mall with my mom. To me, is sounds ludicrous. Cheating on him while with my mother. But then I think and remember when he left, he lived with his mom and she let OW go over and sleep there with him. His mom, has cheated before. My mother hasn't. My mom has been cheated ON by my dad and is strongly against it. So, we are coming from two different sides on that and I have to remember that. He has also questioned me a couple times if I would have an A for revenge. I was like WHAT???? I guess it's discouraging that we have been together for so long and sometimes I still don't understand his thought process.

But, LMAO, I think if ANY of us are ever feeling blue or hopeless.....we should ALL read FInally_Free's thread and be thankful we are not married to him!!!!!!!

Thanks for the affirmation on my goals. They sound small and silly but hey, we all have to start somewhere!

~StrongEnough

jstx- I agree. Sage gave some REALLY good advice.

SO, you've been going through this for two years? Where do you find the strength?

I can't say that I expect things to be fixed now. It would be nice but I am not that unrealistic. I think H is though. I can see how things like this take time. Especially on our part. There are trust issues, anger, etc. to deal with. None of that goes away overnight. H feels at this point, we should be able to forget about the past, and just try to move forward from this point. That's just not possible. Some of his A happened right here in our house. There are daily reminders of that. And yes, when is comes to the "should I loeave" I usually opt for procrastination too. Having 2 kids helps that decision.

<sigh> I don't know where I got the idea that most couples are happy when they reconcile. I guess I just see things in other people's posts that are different from what I am feeling so I ASSume they are happy and I am not. I knew that this wasn't going to be easy, but it is turning out to be much harder then I ever imagined it would be. And no, piecing is definitely NOT for the faint of heart.

As far as it not being my decicion anymore. Boy, do I understand that. H has made sure he pounded that into my head!

All in all, I am thankful to be here. It's nice not to feel so alone and to be reassured that this is an uphill battle. AHH.....if I only had some good walking shoes........

~StrongEnough

Ok, so I feel lousy. I didn't hit one of my goals today. Granted my son (2) is sick with the stomach virus that is going around, and I spent most of my day getting ready for H's birthday tonight. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

Our anniversary is coming up soon. I am trying to surprise him with a night away at a nice hotel in their Presidential Suite. We would have dinner and a night out at the casino down the street. Last anniversary we were still in the newness of the reconciliation, and for our gifts to each other, we put our wedding rings back on and I gave him a shirt with a letter to my L to delay finalizing the D until he heard from me as we were trying to reconcile. This year is a little harder. There have been so many negative things happen over the past few months that it makes things difficult. The one thing that sticks out to me is that he credits OW for the man he is today. He says she was an important part of his life and taught him to be an honest man and talk about his feelings. This makes me mad as he!! because he made a conscious choice to be a deceitful lying H in our marriage......yet SHE warranted this change.....not me.

Am I nit-picking? Maybe. How should I respond to something like that? Whenever he says it, it stuns me and hurts just as much as the first time I heard it so I have never addressed it. Any advice or 2x4's?

~Strong

Hi there,

Don't be so down on yourself. You are human. SUPERHUMAN in this case

Hmmm, no not nit-picking at all....once again, you're being human to feel hurt by his comments. I would feel hurt too. BUT, I think what he is trying to say (sometimes we don't know what we say is stupid)....is that he is glad for the hardship he encountered, that OW was a catalyst for, because he had to dig deep, to grow up, to see a mirage and see through it, to see his M for what it was and fix it. I too am glad for the hard time we're going through, and said it to H....then I realized that it sounded like I was happy that I screwed up or that we hit hard times....I said that I was happy that something made me focus on making our M better, on making me better, but I would not abuse our M again. I was happy that I could see that just because your M goes through hard times, does not mean that it is not strong. We rediscovered lots of great things about our feelings and us.

It bothers you, so gently bring it up. Next time he says it again, ask him what he means--gently. Ask him if he means that the period itself was an eye opener and good for your M and the new and better him. Tell him that you want a M to him where you can also be supportive of the best him.

Now, get that PMA back!!! Go paint your nails!!!

Haha.........superhuman......

No, I don't think that is what he was trying to say. He told me that SHE taught him not to be afraid of his feelings, SHE taught him how important honesty was (funny that two cheating spouses can even mention the word honesty) that SHE was and will be a VERY IMPORTANT person in his life. i.e.(as far as I know they don't communicate) He doesn't regret the A with her because in his eyes he needed her to teach him how to be a "better man".

Now, since the day we got together and up until the stime we seperated (11 years) he lied to me over and over and over again. He never talked to me about his feelings. He was never this person for me. It makes me feel like if she brought out the best in him that I couldn't, then why not be with her? He says he doesn't want to be with her. (She lives far away from us anyway)

Then I think about what he had to gain by coming home:
1) I got him out of a bad financial investment. He was up my butt to get an equity loan on the house. I had no choice because my name was on the business loan and he lost the business, they would have come after my house. So, financially he is way better off here.
2) He missed the kids. Now, he gets to see them everyday
3) He works 50 hurs a week and I work from home doing medical transcription. He doesn't have to clean, do laundry, etc.

However, I have to also weigh the positives I have seen.
1) When I was in ooutpatient counseling, he took care of the kids and the house for me. (He was out of work until recently)
2) When I had the four surgeries, he took care of the house and the kids for me.
3) He turned in his truck so I could get a better car and he took my old clunker. (I think this was more out of guilt because he told me he felt he deserved the clunker and I deserved the better car for what he put me through)

So...sigh......I don't know. He says that if he didn't love me and didn't want to be here, he wouldn't of put up with all the illnesses and the BS we have been going through. On the other hand, our D agereement has already been granted by a judge, so no changes can be made to it and his child support amount was about 2x what the law requires. He did this of his own free will when I filed for the D. Then he realized how hard it was for him to survive on what was leftover.

All the doubts, concerns, worries, excuses. My PMA is WAY LOW today.

Thanks for posting to me Always.....I hope you are having a better day then I am.

~Strong

Hi there. First, BIG hugs to you. I'm sorry that I didn't read through your post thoroughly. I went back and read many of them over again.

I realize that you're in quite a delicate dance right now, and having a low day is normal. It sucks, but it's normal. I guess if there was no pain, and it went fast (like your H anticipates--and mine) then it wouldn't be healing properly.

Hmmmm, your H has an "interesting" take on the A. I can definately see your frustrations. Do you both talk about this? Dumb question, but have you (or in MC) asked what you can do to also make him feel OK about expressing himself and being honest (yes, the irony killed me). I guess, what needs the OW met that he thought that you did not. It's frustrating, because no matter what, it's no excuse for him to find that outside the M, and then to not be sorry for it. My bet is that he IS sorry, that she did NOT in fact move him so profoundly, but it's his excuse to not say sorry and face the guilt. Guilt is a horrible process. Because, he can still say sorry, and still feel that this person, or the event in general, was ultimately good for him to mature. They are not mutually exclusive feelings.

Glad that you outlined the good and bad. So, you're primariy feeling that he is with you for $$ reasons. Perhaps true somewhat, but then again, you are with him for your son, $$ reasons, etc as well. It's hard to admit that there is more practical reasons other than gushy, rosy love that bonds 2 people. I struggled with this too.

Sounds like he was supportive through illnesses (sorry you're health was rough) and is asking for a lot from you. I know you're feeling wary. I would too. If you read my posts (which you have), you'll see that I too crave the simple, yet powerful SORRY from H. I have to deal with a lame version instead, one that I practically have to beg for. We have to believe that they ARE sorry, in their own way.

Go to bed. But, tomorrow, try this. Wake up, and try really hard to believe that he is there because he wants to be. That he loves you. That he wants somthing with you, but needs work. That the basic bond is there. Remember a really fun time/moment you had together before all this mess. Think of one great thing about his now. During the day, when you feel doubtful, think of ONLY right now, choose to believe his words and cut, in your mind, the cord to distrust. Put away your issues for the day (valid as they are).

Just do this one day. Let me know how it feels. Try really hard. It's almost like deluding yourself at first, like you are being a stupid PollyAnna, but it works, especually to calm your anxiety. Just pretend, for a day, that you have a great M, a great H. Divert your mind from the past tomorrow.

I'm NOT saying that this is how you should be, just something temporary (24 hrs) that might serve to help you gently move to the next rung.

I am trying to do this, more and more each day. I deserve a second chance, and so does my H....I have to remember that.

Always.....thanks so much for your post.

To answer some of your questions. H and I have talked a lot about the affair. H admits he feels awful, that is was a terrible thing to do, and that he is very sorry that he hurt me that way. He has a lot of guilt which, at one time while we were seperated caused him to attempt suicide. I guess I am just bitter because he gives her credit for something that he had conscious control over during our M. He made the decicion every time he lied. That's ALL him, not her. I hate being bitter.....

We had a long discussion this morning about where we stand. The little things we do to try and move forward in this R. I told him that I am trying to take baby steps, and I feel he expects leaps and bounds. That simply isn't going to happen. You are right, if things got better "right away" then we would not have the opportunity to heal properly or grow. A little later in the conversation, he said that he was feeling hurt and pushed away as he waits for something "big" to happen to show him that I truly want to be with him and work in this M. So, in essence, he basically just confirmed what I had told him, and my reasoning fell on deaf ears. I feel he listens to me but doesn't hear me.

So, I woke up with the intention of acting "as if" like you suggested but that went out the window when the R talk came up. Piecing is so hard. It is much like a dance, but almost like that dance is on a high wire and you incorporate a balancing act into it.

So, H left for work. He won't be home until later tonight. When he gets here, I will try to pick up where I intended to start this morning, push our issues aside and try to have a good night together.

Thanks so much. It is comforting when you know your feelings are normal and you aren't the only one going through them.

~StrongEnough

Of course, it's totally normal to have these feelings.

You wrote some interesting things that make me think that your H has real issues with guilt. Who does't, right? But it seems that it really scares him, overwhelms him to the point of not wanting to face it or doing something drastic if he really does. I hope I'm not overassuming here.

SO, it seems that he would want to move fast with "things are better" so he does not look into your face each day and see his mistakes. Wipe the slate clean. I also still think it's why he credits OW for his courage, etc....a way of saying that he does not have to be TOTALLY guilty of what he did, because something great came of it and benefits BOTH of you. So, it's like he HAD to do that for you BOTH.

I guess there is nothing you can do about it. My H is the same. Has a hard time saying sorry and feeling guilty, but in his mind, he thinks he's great at it (I jsut want to laugh when he says that about himself, and point to fingers at myself!!!).

I think one day, when he is distanced from this a bit, he can face it for what it is. I admit, that initially when things blew up, I wanted to move to "we're OK" really fast, and each time that H had doubts, etc. I got mad. I guess I was really just mad that what I had done landed us in something so serious. Consequently , my H felt sorry he ever shared his feelings. He needs to give you the freedom to get through the steps, emotions....he is panicked and anxious right now, it's what I felt. It's hard to back off and be OK with the fact that a person is ambivalent about you. I too demanded "emotional progress reports" from H, and he felt pressured and manipulated. I guess I realized that it's not OK to say, "OK, I'm ready to get over this, now you have to as well..." Funny, it's exactly what made me mad about H in our dating history bumbles.

Hope that helps. Maybe you could share that with H. I know you already have. Share that it's unhealthy to not go through these emotions, and you understand his guilt and feelings of anxiety, but he has to understand yours. This was a rough turn of events in your M. Rebounding is hard.

Bravo to you for having a great night. Keep the smile on, and think happy thoughts (I will send mental images of Unicorns and Rainbows your way!!).

Hang in there. In the end, we'll all look back and think, it wasn't as bad as I thought. It all worked out well.