You are right things are out of my control, and I hate that! My W hates me be controlling, and I hate it to!
Maybe I only want to be true to my controlling self and this is why she is doing what she is doing!
Yes, and yes. She needed to see you relax and ease back into things. You seem like you jumped in feet first by taking for granted that you knew what you needed to do to "fix" your marriage. Her reaction; oh God, nothing's changed, did I do the right thing? I realized VERY early on, actually the day before my first counseling session, that one of the things that would have to permanently change about me was my controlling nature. Once again, I am not a domineering person. Far from it, as I have self esteem issues as well. My control comes in the form of manipulation of situations so that I can feel comfortable. Well, people don't like to be manipulated, or feel like their lives are being orchestrated by someone else. I think if either of us is to make an impression on our W's, it will be because we finally figure out how (and I have no freakin idea how) to relax and just live life without expectation or control. Have faith. I do....for now...
Again thanx Flaneur! You are right it does sound pathetic and whinny that the only thing that makes me happy is her! I have lost touch with alot of things that made me happy before! I still do exercise and it is my outlet! But it ends too fast! I used to love my job but I used to put 70hrs a week in and that helped destroy my marriage, so I have changed careers and work 40hrs a week, but I have not found the same fufilment! I need to take everyones help, and pull myself together and make myself more attractive! Not needy and hurt! But how do you hide the hurt? It just comes thru sometimes!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
TMU you and I are way to similar! The control and manipulation issue was huge between my W and I. And I did jump feet first in to the recouncilling of our marriage! My W initially wanted to go slow and we did! But things began to progress fast between us, and the kids started to change for the better so it just went forward! I know now that is why she is still talking (and who knows what else) with the OM. She never had that tie to reflect and mourn! But I ask how can you reflect and mourn when you continually contact the OM! RELAX! Someone tell me how? I relaxed on my holidays for the first time in 8 years, but now it is "go time" again!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Quote: But how do you hide the hurt? It just comes thru sometimes!
So true Tim but a lot of the advice I have gotten here and elsewhere is not to try to hide the pain as much as not direct it at her. I have been told to let her see how much I hurt, but to be careful you don't seem pathetic. I guess that means just don't mope around or cry in front of her but an occasional reminder isn't a terrible thing. They cannot, nor do they expect that we are REALLY ok. What they need to see is that we are making the effort to be even in the face of them not being there for us, maybe ever. It shows that maybe we are taking responsibility for us and thus freeing them up to take responsibility for them. Of course to me and you that means giving them the freedom to leave us and why the hell would we want to do that? Well, because they were not ours to keep like that in the first place and if it's not truly their will to be with us, then we are going to end up hurting the ones we claim to love so much.
Quote: You deserve better than this! You have become a doormat and you deserve better! me: I am not a doormat! I have done what I felt is best and I have tried my best! All I want is us to be happy as individuals and together!
I agree with the other posters, She thinks you are, and that perception is what counts right now. From your descriptions the ILY and constant questions after she tells you what she want's "to be friends" is trying to pull her back into the cage and lock the cage door. If you can't see this, then re-read DR again and really think about it.
Quote: I want to call her! I want to write her a note....send flowers....go find her at school..... Why does my heart and mind tell me to do this! Why won't she appreciate it! What the hell happened?!
You acted NEEDY. Stop.
Quote:
I know GAL! Move on do things for yourself! I thought about that what if doing something for yourself is saving your marriage....now what!?
You answered your own question. For the past few days I have detached and stayed unavailable as much as possible. Whenever we do interact I am nice, loving and sometimes will be flirty. I am ALWAYS confident and in control of any discussion even if I am feeling like crap inside. I would suggest that if you have another room you can sleep in, DO IT! Or better yet, telher that it would be best if SHE moved into the other room. Then she has to feel what it's like to be a 'guest' in her own house and what it will feel like to NOT be with you (or anyone) when she goes to sleep at nite (lonely) and she has much more time to think. Give her what she wants.
By the way, I have a lot of friends that I only talk to when they call me. So, let her come to you to talk. Then it's on your terms and it's only about her issues. NEVER tell her ILY unless it is a response to a question or issue where it would be appropriate. I have only said ILY to my W once in about a month, and it was only to let her know that Me and our kids love her and don't wish her anything bad.
I NEVER say 'I need you'. I saw myself in the needy phase and all I was getting were 'pity hugs'. Screw that. I want the real thing.
Give her exactly what she asked for. My W wanted to be 'on her own' so I told her she should pay expenses to live in our house since she is 'separated'. That was a shock to her. I ended up paying for a lot of things because she realized she couldn't. But she is paying a share and is now BROKE. REALITY bites.
STOP BEING NEEDY. You are! Stop it! It hurts to suddenly cut off the contact you've been having because it 'looks like' intimacy but it's NOT. She isn't feeling it and because of that she is feeling guilty.
LET GO! It won't make things worse. It WILL make things change.
I agree with you a 100% I feel like I am enabling her to be with the OM by hiding my hurt..like "He's OK with everything so of I goto the OM!" Maybe that is what they think I am not sure, but I tried the needy pathetic path this summer and I know that it does not work and the results you get are form their own guilt! I actually told her this morning before she left that I don't want to see her hurt anymore, I don't want to hurt anymore. She agreed with me and after a pause I added something maybe I should not have. I said the OM probably doesn't want to hurt either! She just looked at me and really said nothing! I then said life will go on and i want to share it with her! (again that last little push) I truly don't want her to hurt anymore, and I want to do anything I can to ease the pain!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Don't keep track of the days you've done this. Just live it. I know you're scared of losing her but the one sure fire way of doing it is to not listen to her plea for space and to keep pressuring her. I laid off for a couple of months before things even began to slowly get better. There is no time line with this until one of you calls it quits or the marriage is repaired. Even now, I treat him as a friend. A passionate friend but still a friend. Not a friend without expectations but still with the respect we give our friends. It was the one thing I had forgotten to do in my marriage and look where it got me.
I'm serious though, the one sure fire way to lose your spouse is to keep bringing up the om and R talks.
I'm serious though, the one sure fire way to lose your spouse is to keep bringing up the om and R talks.
I'm serious though, the one sure fire way to lose your spouse is to keep bringing up the om and R talks.
I've said this over and over on other people's threads. Michelle talks about it in her books. Other counselors/authors say the same thing and yet people still say, "Yeah but..." Yeah but, my situation is different. Yeah but, you don't know my spouse. Yeah but, this might drive them away. Yeah but..... I don't notice any of these people progressing anywhere in their stitchs until they STOP the pursuit.
I'll take it a step farther and admit something that you may need to admit too; not only have I acted needy for a long time, I enjoy acting that way. It's a way for me to manipulate the situation so that even if she didn't feel like doing what I wanted, or having sex, giving me a hug, saying ILY, whatever, she would do it anyway out of pity...sad...wonder how long my wife has felt that way....
Quote: I'm serious though, the one sure fire way to lose your spouse is to keep bringing up the om and R talks.
I'm serious though, the one sure fire way to lose your spouse is to keep bringing up the om and R talks.
I'm serious though, the one sure fire way to lose your spouse is to keep bringing up the om and R talks.
I've said this over and over on other people's threads. Michelle talks about it in her books. Other counselors/authors say the same thing and yet people still say, "Yeah but..." Yeah but, my situation is different. Yeah but, you don't know my spouse. Yeah but, this might drive them away. Yeah but..... I don't notice any of these people progressing anywhere in their stitchs until they STOP the pursuit.
I want to progress! I progressed to the point of starting a recounciliation, so I will back off! The real tough part for me is I am very open and loving person towards my wife! I know when she is hurting. and right now that is becasue of the OM. I guess I can answer my own question and let her come to me when she is ready to talk about it! This is so damn hard! Less than 2 weeks ago I was on a beach discussing how wonderful life is being back together, and being intimate with my wife! And today I am almost nack to square 1!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I'll take it a step farther and admit something that you may need to admit too; not only have I acted needy for a long time, I enjoy acting that way. It's a way for me to manipulate the situation so that even if she didn't feel like doing what I wanted, or having sex, giving me a hug, saying ILY, whatever, she would do it anyway out of pity...sad...wonder how long my wife has felt that way....
TMU
I wonder that to! I hate feeling her actions aren't genuine and does she really want to say I love you, or even just give me a hug! I want that day when she comes to me for the same reasons I come to her! It was starting that is why I am so torn and mixe up right now!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
