Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Here's to 2006 - May it bring a new start!

Well, Kismet locked me out. She gets the wine! What will it be? Perhaps champagne?

I hate coming up with thread names. It is such hard work. I'm not the creative writer like Al, Anna, Kismet, Sassy, and flaneur. (I'm sure I am missing someone!) I have that scientific mind that wants to think everything through! Make sure I know everything about what I'm doing! Why I have spent a fortune at Borders and B&N? So I apologize for the bad thread title. I try though. Do I get an A for effort?

Saw my therapist tonight. She is really proud of me. Can see that I am starting to move on. That I haven't closed the door, but that I'm also not waiting around for something to happen. It's funny. I do miss my H but not nearly as much as I used to. Actually, he really annoys me sometimes. I have gotten used to my life without him around. It's ALOT less stressful! (I hear you Kismet!) I'm not killing myself trying to keep things calm and make him happy. That was way too much work. I know I can't go back there.

So, no big changes. Still here and still rambling. I had posted about self esteem and the WAS before my thread locked up. Anyone else see a tie - in between their WAS and the WAS's low self esteem? (Thanks Kismet and Lisa for your insights!)

Cheers to you all!

WCB

Hey Beth--didn't realize we were locked out. Self Esteem? I think H had problems with this for a while. He was getting really beat up at work and OW was there to listen to his problems. He also had the chance to be her knight in shining armor because she was a (twice) divorced mom with 2 kids and she was being singled out at work by their very demanding boss. I think she was better at stroking his ego than I was. Never read Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, but at that time I thought that he was an adult and he could take care of himself. I had to take care of myself and 3 kids, and the house, etc, so I thought he could take care of himself. Don't get me wrong, I still did all the cooking, cleaning, housework, etc, but never to his satisfaction. I think by putting me down, he felt better about himself, or at least he tried, huh?

I swear, we do have the same H! He too was stressed at work and OW stroked the ego BIG TIME! Especially because she is so young (24 when the A started!). I had forgotten to stoke the ego. Like you, I was busy trying to be mom to 2 kids, taking care of the house and all the details, but never to his satisfaction. I too thought he was an adult. Oops! I was wrong! Still can't believe it has taken me 20 years to see his low self-esteem! Knock me over the head with a 2X4!

Or, just give me a chocolate martini. Have you had one of those? YUMMY!!!!!!! Chocolate and alcohol!

WCB

Hey Beth! Well I have (or was) always convinced that XW was a person with the least self esteem problem I have ever met. Exudes confidence, that one does. I decided I was the one with that problem. I have had that so ingrained in my thinking, that it was really hard to decide it was any other way.

But lately, I have begun to realize a few things. First, the consuming fear of being alone, without someone even for a week or two, that she clearly has must be indicative of some self esteem problem. Second, as much as I like the idea of being neurotic , I have never been one to be "afraid" of egomaniacs. I really like forthright and overly aggressive people. Most of my friends are that way. My XW was too. Somehow, I knew those people were hiding something but that was ok with me. They liked me because I didn' run scared of them (and maybe because they relaized that I knew their secret but didn't worry about it).

It is funny, XW accused me of being incapable of true intimacy or at least of growing to be incapable of it, but true intimacy means letting so much of yourself be vulnerable that you cannot easily cut things off and move on. Guess which one of us was at that point?

Have a chocolate martini for me. Man, you have great tastes

OK, I'll join the club. I also did all the stuff around the house and it was never good enough for H. I love not having that pressure anymore. I never realized how tense I would get when he was due home if the house wasn't cleaned up - it would really bother him, and that bothered me!

And his young (27) OW strokes his ego much better than I was doing after 15 years. And she was in an unhappy marriage with a man who was abusive (I know he was controlling, but I wonder about the physical abuse. It might have been exaggerated to get my H to go running over there to 'save' her more than once) It made him feel good. However, now I see that he is living with judgement from a few people about their R...since it's in the open and it's fairly obvious why both of them got D'd. He doesn't like that. Like Al, I would not have thought it from H's personality, but he needs approval and acceptance before he can feel good about himself.

VJ

Hey WCB-

My H was def. having a self-esteem crisis and I most certainly wasn't stroking his ego when the A started. I must admit at the time I was being pretty critical about his employment issues. OW def. stroked his ego. OW also was having esteem issues, as her H had left her. My H has somewhat recognized this I think. He has admitted to me that part of why he hasn't taken action to change things is out of pride.
H always had a confident aura about him previously. I was the one who was more insecure. And when he left, it hammered my self-esteem. I find I am still struggling with this at times and learning how to maintain a positive self-esteem that does not rely on what others say or do. I now realize just how incredibly important that is to bring into a healthy R. To expect anyone else to help us with our self-esteem is really being unfair to the other person.

Hey WCB-

I'm not sure I'm going to around these boards much longer, but would like to keep in touch with you.
Email me at tico_rainforest@yahoo.com if you so desire.

Well, Kismet locked me out. She gets the wine! What will it be? Perhaps champagne?


Maybe just a piccolo bottle delivered by a magnum size courier? . Hey, hate to see it smash in the post Yep, still eating chocolate.

I have gotten used to my life without him around. It's ALOT less stressful! (I hear you Kismet!) I'm not killing myself trying to keep things calm and make him happy. That was way too much work. I know I can't go back there.



It's a good thing isn't it Beth? You know early on, my mother told me " You might actually learn to like not having him around". I remember thinking "No, that will never happen". Wise woman, my mum.

You do sound happier and more centred Beth. Now chocolate martinis I have to try one of those. Never heard of them, may have to educate myself.

Take care

Al -

It is funny, XW accused me of being incapable of true intimacy or at least of growing to be incapable of it, but true intimacy means letting so much of yourself be vulnerable that you cannot easily cut things off and move on. Guess which one of us was at that point?

Have a chocolate martini for me. Man, you have great tastes

I'll have a couple for you! I think your XW was talking about herself. She's just too caught up in her crap to see it. She may realize it. She may not. But I know that you will be a wonderful H and partner to a lucky lady someday...

Like Al, I would not have thought it from H's personality, but he needs approval and acceptance before he can feel good about himself.


VJ - I'm glad it's not just me! I was beginning to feel a little stupid just recognizing this. I knew H was selfish but the light bulb REALLY went off when I realized the self esteem stuff!

I find I am still struggling with this at times and learning how to maintain a positive self-esteem that does not rely on what others say or do. I now realize just how incredibly important that is to bring into a healthy R. To expect anyone else to help us with our self-esteem is really being unfair to the other person.


Dana - Thanks for stopping by! You said that so well. I too struggled after the bomb. Especially because I was told all this happened because I was fat and he was embarrassed by me and resented me. I now see that he was looking to me to boost his self esteem. But I couldn't. You can only do that for yourself. So, I am regaining my self esteem back. You are too.

Maybe just a piccolo bottle delivered by a magnum size courier? . Hey, hate to see it smash in the post Yep, still eating chocolate. Now chocolate martinis I have to try one of those. Never heard of them, may have to educate myself.



Kismet - I'm working on the magnum size courier. That's tough! I suppose your looking for the boofy type!

Got to try a chocolate martini. Just be careful! You can get rather intoxicated VERY quickly!!!!!

Me's thinking that we should meet up in Hawaii...that would almost be halfway...we can spend a week drinking chocolate martinia, eating chocolate and looking at beefcake!! WCB, you game?

Oh yes, I am game! We can meet on Kauai - the most beautiful place on the earth. If we are there though, we have to drink Mai Tais too. I only drink them in Hawaii! They are tasty! Now I really have to work out to drop these Christmas pounds!!

Thanks to all of you for your posts! H has the kids this weekend so I plan to relax and enjoy some peace and quiet. Going out to dinner and a movie with a friend tomorrow then have been invited to watch the Bears playoff game with friends on Sunday. Should be fun.

Hope everyone has a good weekend - remember life is what you make of it. Make it a great day!

WCB