Quote: I hate this. It just makes me want to lash out and do something stupid. But, i won't...i know better.
(((((Imdi))))), I feel your pain. Roller-coaster seems like such a nice euphemism for the hellish ride we are on. We think things are going fine and then another flame laced pitchfork stabs us and pulls us back down into the inferno. Nice to have these fireproof DB suits on, eh? Anyway, I'm not making light of your sitch. I really feel like I'm going to lose it every other minute and in your situation I can imagine it's even worse. You know it will get better but it's ok to feel the way you do until it does. Just try to focus on anything else and pass the time until you feel more calm. I know for me that is hard but we both know we have to try. Keep posting, and remember you're not the person this is making you feel like. You deserve so much more and I hope you get it!
remember you're not the person this is making you feel like.
Excellent point.
In the throes of it, LBSs taking a big hit on their self-esteem, depressed over the trauma they suffered, tend to see themselves differently than they would otherwise. It is good to recall that this is not who you really are. I think MWD makes a point of that in her book, too.
I know what you feel. I was really down last night myself. I think it’s so difficult for us because for so many years, our H’s have been there for us and we never had to think twice or worry about it. For them to shut down, to stop showing concern, to not exude love anymore, well, it seems incomprehensible. I’ve spent many a moment in “how can he not love me anymore?” thought. Imdi, try really hard to not call him. I was close to breaking last night, but I didn’t do it (although he called me instead). It feels so much better when they reach out first. Tonight just get back into the Laci book (reading about Scott will be enough to make you mad and not call!). Take a hot bath, or have some tea. Or both! Just try to not do it. (I am the worst for giving out this advice and not following it). I know from experience there is nothing I can say that will fill you up in the way H’s voice would. Just know that I care very much, and I do know what it feels like all too well. He is thinking about you, Imdi, even if he isn’t calling. I know it’s hard to imagine it that way, but I believe it. Sending you big hugs. I’ll write again later.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanks TMU- I know in my head that you are right, but its my heart that is another story.
flame laced pitchfork stabs us and pulls us back down into the inferno.
Ouch....although a good analogy.
I am trying to focus on other things, but it is hard. There have been so many times over the past 3 days that i have just wanted to pick up the phone and call him. And i can't imagine why he wouldn't want to do the same. But, as i said, i should get used to him not being there every day. Just hurts.
Thanks hope- It is always good to hear from my friends here...it does pick me up and give me the strength to make it through the day.
I am trying really hard not to call him. But, i sometimes wonder if he is waiting for me to call him. I just can't understand why he hasn't picked up the phone. We had a nice time on Sunday...he was very affectionate...we laid on the couch, watching tv. So, whats the problem now? I think he feels guilty when he spends too much time with one of his "women" so he makes it up to the other by being overly attentive for a while...and then switches.
I am just missing him so much right now. I had gotten used to talking to him regularly. The last time we went this long without talking was in october, when i believe he was away with the beast for her birthday. So, of course i wonder if he is away now, and just didn't tell me, which is usual for him. I just don't understand him. I don't understand how someone can go from loving their spouse with their whole heart to having an A and having no regard for their spouse at all. I mean, really, what is wrong with these people?
As my therapist (whom I've only seen once so far) would say "You're doing it again!" What she means by that is worrying about what or why something is being done or not done by our spouses is counterproductive. We need to focus on why we do things and maybe our reaction to what they do. We cannot control them but we CAN influence them to see the light. By making him call you, you are showing showing strength. He knows you want to call, and you want HIM to call you but he does not necessarily care what you want. You are demonstrating that you are surviving (even if you're not) without that call and without him. If he is at all curious, he'll call. You can't expect (and I'm really talking to myself now) him (her) to behave in a way that you think makes sense. With any luck (and prayer) at all he'll come back to reality and then you can expect non-alien behavior. Until then, maintain....
Thanks TMU- Most of the time i do tell myself that i can't control him, only myself, and when i remember that, i do feel better. Its just that sometimes, the wave of pain crashes particularly hard against my shore. And i start to try to figure out how/why he is doing the things he is doing. I know i will not figure it out. And i am not that optimistic that he will ever come back to a reality with me. But, i do know that i will be okay. I know i will survive it. Its just the getting used to not having him in my life that is going to be hard.
This post is kind of in response to something hopefloats posted over in her thread. But given what the latest topic was over there, i thought this was appropriate.
As i was typing in her thread about the person i have become since this all started, i got this IM from someone i work with. Now, i have only worked with her for 5 months, but this is just what she sent me: "You know something.. You should never judge a book by its cover. When I first met you I thought you were mean, cold and sarcastic and that you were trying to stab me in the back.. to make a long story short I did not like you at all. But as I have gotten to know you better. You are really sweet person and you have good insight, you have gained my respect. I've learned that stress can really affect a person's persona."
Now, granted, not the things that anybody wants to hear, but the timing was perfect. That is the person i became, and i hate it. I have to work on getting back to the person that i was...the kind, fun loving girl...ahh, now that could be a feat!
Same here. And you know, I think H. is not entirely ok with the idea that I would be moving several hours away and we wouldn’t see each other anymore (or certainly not as often). Even on Sun. during our fairly negative phone call, when I mentioned that if we sell, I’m leaving this area and we would not see one another, he commented, “Not necessarily” about it. Imdi, here is something to ponder. Ask yourself what kind of a R. you want in your future. A committed husband, children? Things like that, right? Perhaps this is not what your H. wants. I say this because my H., despite o.w., tells me he does not want to be married to anyone right now. (And I’ll tell you something—if we D, I think he will be too scared to ever take that leap again.) I don’t know if my H. is capable of living up to that title anymore. Certainly not right now; maybe not ever again. We may actually have to accept that they cannot be faithful, committed husbands. I don’t want to imagine it either, but it might be why they don’t return to us.
Trying was right, too; he knows you want him to call you. By not doing so, you are showing him one more hour, one more minute of strength. That is powerful, Imdi. You do have power, even though you don’t feel it. You are doing really well, my friend. Don’t stop now. We are in this together, ok?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope- I don't think my H is necessarily comfortable with the idea of not having me in his life at all. I think this is where his struggle comes in right now. He thinks D is the only answer, the right thing to do, but with that comes the complete loss of me. And i don't think he is ready for that...i am not sure he understands what that means. Right now, he calls me up late at night, when he is sad or doesn't feel well, b/c i am the only one who understands him, the only one who can comfort him. Well, whats he gonna do if we D? Leave ow in bed in the middle of the night to call me? Hmmm, i think i might actually take pleasure in that. But, seriously, has he really, truly thought about what it would be like? I don't think so.
I have thought about, if he came back to me, what our life would be like. Would we ever have kids? Would i be able to trust him? Would he do this crap again? I don't want to have to worry about that. So, in a way, i understand his "quality of life" reasoning. But, i guess that is why we would need to work together on re-building that trust. I guess he is not up for it.
I don't know if he knows that i want him to call me. He may just be too busy with his life with the beast that he isn't giving me a second thought. Perhaps it doesn't affect him as much as it does me.
Thank you for saying that i am doing well...sometimes i wonder. But, we are in this together...pinky swear?
